Brrrrdddrup brrrudpt! Yas, is da pig, coming at ya like a bag of nachos, but less cheesy init.
Well, this little piggy jus got back from Somersetshire where I’ve been totally at Glasto’. Me and my mate House Hog borrowed me nan’s Micra and razzed outta da city to get back to nature, although I did take da Nintendo with me. Yeah, we gone done the camping like da bosses. Although, HH did set fire to da tent we ‘borrowed’ from Millets with a stray blim, and we ain’t got a warranty.
It weren’t all peaches and RnB tho, as we wuz told that der’d be a lot of mud for wallowin’ in, but all we got was a dust bath and some sunburn, so wuz a bit of a scam.
Anyway, here’s sum of our top tunz performed at da festival;
SicklyB4dgr – Jumping the left shark
Cayenne East – Vocoder nightmare (where are you all going?)
CTRL-Alt-Delete – This cedar is ravenous
Spotless Highwayman – Relentless advert music
Mark Ronseal – Does exactly what it says on the sleeve
Florida Quivers – I’m just not partial to fisticuffs Nigel
Feral Wilikins – Cheerful (but tomorrow I may not be – I don’t know)
The Moo – Can we have our fields back, stoners?
Cyclebonce – The grace of maids
The Water Bottles – Telescopes offer you unrestricted lunar visuals
Well, more Disco Pig as soon as is most likely, which is possibly never given how long it’s been since the last one.
Hubbida hubbida, wik, wik, wikki, wha, full on BOOOOM! Ya, da pig return for moar mayhem init!
Disco pig been away on one of dem foreign exchange programmes. Big up to ma main Frenchies Monsour et Madam Porc who bin puttin’ up wiv me for six months while Disco Pig been improving meself. Da ladies love da French talk init! C’est combien mon pretty pretty? Guaranteed pullin’ powwa!
Anyway, me still bin keepin’ up with all da latest choons so here’s ma chart throw down…. Frappant Mélodie!
Peter Fry up and the Desk Clocks – I got that feeling of goat in me
PoorlyR4t – Mocha latta chatter flatter platter
Captain Spoonwright – What’s good for the moose is good for the Flanders
Hurdy-Schmurdy-Glockenspiel – The fox obviously says ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH’
The Dickinson – Tan come, Tan go
Massive Economic Landslide Panda Car Collective – You can’t crack nuts with celebrity butts
The Focaccias – Honestly Betty, I thought it was going to stain the wilton.
Blink One One Eight – Repetitive, irritating, meaningless and moustached
Tiresome – They appear not to be at home Samual
Goodwood Illness – Throwin’ up in a Yaris
The Rubbish Bodgers – A colander does not a good boat maketh…
Literal Steve – This is a song that I wrote about some emotions that I once experienced
Data Moth – Light bulb binary
Aiiieeeee hoof, hoof, hoof… yes folks it’s the biggest night of the year innit! Disco Pig is back with the beats from the renegade master – dey told me I can’t play bass and dat I can’t play drum, but I am ere to tell ya that I’m here actually innit. I’m not a Yankee, I’m a Londoner innit, and on da playground was were I spent most of ma dayze. I got in one little fight and Mrs Disco Pig got scared so she sent me to my Auntie and Uncle’s in Walfamstow innit!
Anyway, der fond trips dahn memory alley asides, Disco Pig is ere to give ya all the bangiest playlist for da bangiest night of the year – Noo Year’s Eve, innit! Disco Pig was in da big demand dis year and as had to turn down some big gigs, including one at dat O2 in his home tahn of Londan innit. Stoked though, cos I is now rocking the bins at Biffordshire’s biggest nightclub – Da Sugar Shed, just outsida of Moistbury on da A67, if you go past der Lamb and Foreskin pub you has gone too far innit. Turn around and hed back a bit, bit more, on da left innit. Yes, da place wiv da big sign up at the front.
Anyways, it’s free Bacardi Breezers all night for da ladies, so get in quick and you might even pull a Bacardi Geezer, that’s me innit!! Nah, don’t fink dat Disco is being all up and unfaithful to da missus and shizzle – she’s out of tahn visiting her poorly piggy gran in Colchester so while da missus is away visiting her poorly piggy gran in Colchester da Disco Pig will play… da top tunes all night innit! Ha ha…
Seriously d’oh Disco Pig is all loved up an dat so it would have to be somefink special to turn his eyes onto anover lady pig innit. Like a couple of drinks and some heavy petting behind da stage innit! Disco knows you ladies will be forming an orderly queue to get ya hoofs on dis bit of quality bacon, but I ain’t bovvered. Da lady I as is da love of me life innit – plus her gran is a lovely lady piggy. She was in da war and all dat. She was an air-raid piggy – ad to squeal when she saw any of dem Nazi planes and dat flying overhead – pwoper hero she was. Her passing, if it should come to dat, would be a sad day in da Disco household innit… mind you she’s facking loaded so let the good times and da turntables roll!
Anyways, listen to me cracking on about nuffink – I has got some vinyl to dig out for tonight’s sugar shed shenanigans! Get der early Pig fans it’s going to be a crackling night of porky phat phun!
Waste of Time ft The Delighted Landlord – £15 just to get into my own local
Eric Pickles and the Cheese Crew – Leave it Barry, let’s just all have a drink yeah?
What’s the Point? – In bed by 10.30
FredMau5 – Right said Fred
Tinnie Tiddly Ft MC Shoehorn – Can’t Make Luv Tonight
Robert Kilometres – Bowl Clutcher (Hold back my hair)
The Over Friendly Strangers – What you looking at (it ain’t got no label on it)
West Street Boyz – Lager on my whities, vodka on my loafers
Phat Boy Phat – It’s raining (door) men
The Checked Shirts – Don’t encourage him, Sandra
Calvin’s Klein’s – Pants up high, trousers down low
The Bog Gropers Ft MC Smarm – Hanging around outside da Ladies
Disorientated Scoundrel (Ft Almond Van Nut) – Conkers
Rogan Josh Project – Infinity Naanty Naanies (time for a Ruby)
The Kebab Krew – You want everything on, boss?
Street Fighters (Ft DJ Punch Drunk) – Oh heavens, Andrea, I appear to have dropped my chips
The Beer Scooters – La, la, la, la, la, lager, bit, bit, bit, bitter, vod, vod, vod, vodka, she, she, she, sherry
The Misguided (Ft MC Testosterone) – Yes, she probably IS a lesbian, Stuart
DJ Morning After – Very dark in colour, but it floats
Jingle da bells, jungle bellz, jingle da bellz. Stop. Swine-rewind!!!! Ya know it! It’s da pig coming at ya like a Lidl Stollen!
I bin getting the monies in ready fo Christmas coz I want to treat ma nan to a fierce foot spa dey got on special down at Boots. She totally worth it bruv!
Disco pig been working in one of those Christmas seasonal shops init. And man he be getting bored of Christmas songs on da shop stereo! Serious, if I hear Mariah Carey singin’ about what she want fo Christmas one more time, dere’ll be a crime. Nah, but serious, dere will…
Anyz, ‘ere’s da latest festive stampin’ tunez all wrapped up just fo youz.
Biff Clitchard – Time to buy a new calendar
Bradford Moped Group – Stop! Carry on.
Ashes Misery – I put five on it
Neonicotinoid Pesticides – Brian’s off to Lowestoft again
Megaquake – The thrill of cheese
Barry Goblin (ft. Frankie Ankles) – Shambolic log flume
Hemplegrunt Mupderspinch – Tra-la-la-la-la-faraldo-gadzooks-euro
Mincing Pies – Fabulously stuffed
Grumpy Dad – You can open them after dinner
High street Robbery – Seasonal price rise (saw ya comin’ reprise mix)
The Geordie Sores – Herod as a toad
Spatch! – No honestly Claire, I’ve always wanted a slanket. Lovely.
Unauthorised Entry – Stuck up your chimney
Whoooooo…. WhoooOOOOooooo…. WhhhoooooooooOOOO! Nah, is not a ghost! Is me, Disco pig coming atcha like spooky pair a dungarees! Totally!
Disco pig, he loves Halloween coz he gets to do some of that Trick or Treatin’. Last year, some geezer on da posh estate, he bin tellin’ us that we not getting no treat, so we came back later and we treat us to his car keys! He be handin’ out da Haribo like a good boi dis year me think!
Disco pig also be playin’ up at the community centre lataz at the annual Monster Mosh, and here are some of da hauntin’ hoof hammerers me be playin!
The Decapitation Brothers – Don’t lose your head (down the back of the sofa)
Fright Train – Hell soulless sister
The Multifunctional Vampires – The JML bloodlust jamboree
The Clanking Chains – Comin’ off the sprocket
Day-Zee ft. Mad Fitt – Bryony, the Zombies are back again. I’ll tell them to try the Patterson’s next door
Schrilllllooricxxxx – Even monsters had mums once
Spectral Bookies – All bats are off
The Curse of Miss Malaprop – Prick or feet
The Jason Voorhees Ensemble – Why can’t I just meet a nice lady and settle down?
Pendulous – Calor gas night terrors
The Gangrenous Toads – Hubble double trouble
The Michael Jackson Puppetry Theatre – Thriller 2013 (strung-up mix)
Hi folksh, yesh itsh David Vienetta, top Anglo Dutch DJ and all around the place good guy. With my blonde good looksh and muschcular frame I’m a hit on the danchefloor as well and not unincluding the ladiesh in that deshcription. You bet your asses on that one. Oh yesh.
Itsh great that Discho Pig hash given me the opportunity to big up my next DJ set. Uh huh oh yeah for shure I am looking forward very much to rocking it out at the Clunge Village Hall nextsh Tuesday afternoon. Apparently I am booked in to play for the Clunge’s Women Inshitute and for that I am totally shtoked! Itsh going to be a rocking afternoon oh yeah for shure. Anywaysh, Discho Pig saysh to me, David Vienetta, you gotta give my loyal readersh a taste of your shet for the gig! You may not know but I met Discho at a Rotterdam rave way back in the late 90sshhhh. He wash just a young piglet shtarting out in the buishness, but onsh he got his trottersh on the decksh I knew he wash a natural. Oh yeah for shure.
Anyway without further adosh, here ish my shet for Clunge. Itsh gonna ba a paaaaaarrrttttaaaaayyyyyy
Drool & The Gang – Just had an injection at the dentist
Indeep – Last Night A Dj waved at my wife
Bobby Brown Stain – Can you pass me the Vosene Gladys
Luther Dandruff – Never Too Much, unless I have enough already
Rufus And Chaka Can – Ain’t nobody, just a head in a glass jar
Camel-o – Lemon curd up!
De-houseboat – Rhythm Of The Kite (it flaps around in high winds)
Black Fox – Hide On Time (I’ll close my eyes and count to ten)
Rockwell – Somebody’s Washing Me but I’m allergic to soap
Salt-N-Vinegar – Push It (starter motor is knackered)
Rainmack & Rainmack – Raindrops look like my tears after I stubbed my toe
Shalacar – A Ford Cortina to remember
The Whispers – What? You’ll have to speak up love, I’m a trifle deaf
S.A.S. Band – Gonna storm the embassy
Robert Kilometres – Children (don’t know they’re born these days)
Schlump, schlump, schlump, weep, weep, WEEEP! Big greetings to ya ma’ tribe of trotterlytes! It’s ‘da’ pig comin’ atcha like a tube o’ Smarties.
Last week, Disco Pig been helping out his blud, Plumbing Pig, puttin’ in some on-suites in a swanky development in da’ ‘burbs. It was haaaard work and I been sufferin’ with grout-snout ever since. Na’ cool at all.
Anyway, we got tru it listening to some choice tunz on the ghetto blaster. Check out deez beday bangers!
Norris Cheeseweight and the Horn Bags – Blue Water is a place on Earth
Wrong Direction – Wrong. Just plain wrong
The White Gloves – Cue-balls in ma pockets (chalk in my heart)
Jazz Chicken (ft. Andy Coleslaw) – Honestly Gertrude, none of us are safe
Brighton Grammar – The song what we did write
Attic Spades – What’s your shed at?
The Young and Hip-Trendy – Amazeballs! Now get out
La Rochelle – Où est la plage?
Desmond Double Decker – Eating makes my jaw sore
The Osrams – Ele-mental horses (Waaah!…Waaah!)
Sizzle Chicks – Lost shuttlecocks tell no lies
Dustin Lumberjack – International Monetary Funk
Yeee haaaaa! Howdy y’all! My name is Country Pig and yep, you guessed it I am the rootin’ tootin’ cousin of your friend and mine Disco Pig, writing this all the way from my swamp hide out in southern Alabama. Disco’s got his trotters all mucky and has gone away for a few weeks. ‘Parently he had his beadies on a brand new Mustang motor car, but it had an owner. That didn’t stop Disco from taking it tho…yeee haaaa! Anyway, he got himself caught and is now banged up tighter than a rattlesnake in a match box. So he says to me Country? I says Yes… Will you take over ma musicical column on that there Monkeybroth for a few weeks? I says sure boy count me in!
Now I ain’t tuned in to all that high beat pumpin’ music that Disco’s in to. No sir. To me it sounds like a three legged grasshopper banging around in an old moonshine jar. Disco won’t mind if I give y’all a taste of real Southern Comfort, some proper rebel bluegrass tunes which will put you right in the mind for some lovin’ with those hogtastic lady pigs in your life. So strap down your gators folks, here comes Country Pig’s top tunes, they’re hotter than a bluejay burger with extra jalapenos….Yeee haaaaaaaaaa……..
Polly Darton – You ain’t so much fun (now you’ve quit drinking)
Shania Twine – Man, I feel by using nerve ends which send messages to my brain
Kenny Loggins – I just want some analytics, s’all
Box Car Barry – I got so much, so how comes I ain’t got nothin’?
Carsick Chris – Slow down on the bends or else I’m gonna hurl
Barry Ray Circus – You wanna a piece of my flaky tart, my flaky, flaky tart?
Alligator McBeal – Gonna put you in the hot box in the swamp (cos I love you so)
Fried chicken and grits – It’s not real grit in the pie, it’s potatoes
The Mother Frackers – The Sun is bakin’ and my heart is breaking (cos you’ve gone and grown a beard)
Lovesick Larry – Cos I can’t think of another country singer
Dukes of Hazard – Health and Safety is important y’all
The Confederates – Ain’t given up yet Lincoln you hear us boy?
The Diner Boys – I’ll eat till I puke, then I’m gonna eat some more
The Stretched belts – Gut to meet you liddle lady
Dressed All in Denim – Love hurts, that’s why you got you some black eyes
Gator wrestlers – Stand by your Nan, cos she gave birth to your mother y’all
BIP, BIP, BIP, BOP, BOP, Weeeow Weeeow Weeeow Burzzzzzp. Yeah, it’s da pig, voice boxin’ like dat funny man off Police Academy. Disco Pig, he is not liking that film coz the fuzz always win init. Not cool brah…
Anywayz, I been staying at me nans, Cha-Cha Pig, lookin’ after her and keepin’ her nice. She does a royal Sunday lunch wiv all the trimmings so life is sweeeeet! She been havin’ some trouble wiv da local hoofs comin’ around her manor and tearing up her begonias. Disco Pig be all up in their face and stuff and teachin’ dem some manners. Unfortunate for Disco Pig, dey go and call up their brothers and, before I know it, da whole Aston Clinton massive be all over Disco Pig like a moth to honey!
Me? I got outta there man! Da Pig knows what good for him ya know!
Anyway, check out the total quality on dis selection of top beats! TUUUUNZ and naaaa fillaaaaa!
Disco Pig charts
The Best of the Bests – Mauve, Mauve, oh I’m so Mauve
Grimlock Ft. Spade of Bass – Get me to Winchester and the people will be freed!
Peter Gurdy and the Festival of Angles – You’re so obtuse (you probably think this song is about Bagels)
Skanky Fire Engine – Sound your siren like you want it
Overworld – Died sloppy
Café-Del-Mars-Bar – Deep fried if possible
The Other Otters Offer Better Butter – Soon see Sue’s sale shoes
The Temperate – I can see no reason why buying this record will affect you in any way
The Spokey Dokey’s – Click………click……..click…..click…click..clickclickclickclick
Frankie goes to Pinewood – Seriously, just calm down ok?
Queens of Marbella – Your villa’s on fire (Time-Sharez mix)
Messy Conquest – Dip in the crimson lake
M Cox and the Splendid Nosegays – Today has scampi written all over it
Wooop. Wooop. Woooooop! WOOOOOOOOOP! Yeah it Disco Pig smahin’ your brain wit’ a sack load of bass. That’s low frequency sound not a fish.
Yeah, so last week Dicsco Pig he be DJ’in for his cuz – Hoedown Hog at his wedding. Wantage was bangin’ dat night with some hard hittin’ Kenny Rogers. Man, that guy is one sharp-bearded smooth silver-fox mutha.
Next morning, Disco Pig, it be his head that’s bangin’ coz he had waaaay too much Stella 4! Serious, I threw up a LOT of kee-bab.
Anywayz, check the dub on these tail-twirlers.
The Beagles – Welcome to the Hotel Best Western
Barry Goblin ft. Oily Mars – Slippery chocolate
The Remotes – Spin the batteries a bit and it’ll work
Flip Fasteners – Warren Beatty is in the eye of the beholder
Over-done Genre – Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (and some more zombies)
Worst Ever Gymkhana (redruM mirror-mix) – Walk on you silly boy!
The Grinning Stoves – Heat up for sex (do not freeze once reheated)
Brake Well Tarts – Avoiding a prostitute
Spongy Beast – Oh please don’t climb the pergola Betty
The Racqueteers – Mega grunt
Jonny Space Queen – Seemingly impossible dustbin races
The Over Here Sisters – Don’t stop moving babies
Ox-O Lamb – Constant Gravy
Coffee and Creme – Under your mum (forever)