Public Service Announcements…YES

This is getting serious, as Celine Dion once sang. And she was right. Here at Monkeybroth Towers we are getting real serious about our public service commitments. We rub up and down suggestively against the legs of our public before oiling them all over with rapeseed oil. We then take them down to the Turkish baths above Budgens in the High Street for a good solid soaking. That’s how much we LOVE them…mwah, mwah, mwah. You are special; you do know that, don’t you?

 LOVE SQUIRRELS? Don’t we all! As a busy working mum to two small children, I often find I am asked ‘how do I do it?’ My job as anti-aircraft gunner crew on the Syrian/Iranian border keeps me busy enough – just ask the Syrian rebels!! Juggling my busy lifestyle is tricky but what about ‘me’ time? Relaxing as a busy working mum to two small children is almost impossible. But when I do get to grab a few moments I immediately get my squirrel out to help me relax. With its bright, twinkling eyes, endearing buck teeth and its lovely bushy tale, my squirrel is the perfect way to unwind after a hard day doing the school run and shooting down Russian supplied Mig-42 aircraft over the Middle Eastern desert. I know only too well that keeping a squirrel can be a full time job in itself. You could say you would be nuts to even try! That’s why I have set up another income stream, and if the stress doesn’t kill me stone dead in six months, then my husband, Roger De Courcey, surely will! I’m so busy that nookie has certainly been off the agenda for a while. In fact he is at the bottom of the wardrobe under Roger’s old dressing gown.

Anyway, if you can’t keep a squirrel for those oh-so-precious ‘me’ moments, why not hire one? I’ve got literally a few squirrels right here all waiting for your call; whether it’s by the hour or on a  corporate stay- the-night, all the extras basis, we’ve got the right squirrel for your needs. Call 0800 NUTSACK and ask for la-di-dah Gunner Graham. As the song goes, if you want a squirrel, we got a squirrel!

HOLY ICONS…Batman! I am a deeply religious person and because I am I covert the toes of saints and the body hair of leading religious figures. I have been collecting since last Thursday and have already built up an impressive portfolio of preserved saintly parts and pieces. To be fair, my toe from St Winslett (the patron saint of arse-crushingly awful movies) could be anyone’s toe. But it is nicely preserved and you can still see some of the little hairs on it. Which I rather like about it. Anyway, and I know this is the public service announcement bit of Monkeybroth, but I want to sell it. Had enough of it really. It looks like a big withered pork scratching and the dog keeps chewing on it.

SHED HEIGHTENING SERVICE – If you are disappointed with the height of your shed, don’t despair. There is something you can do about it, so don’t despair! Using a special blend of The Force off the Star Wars films and Voodoo I can pop around your house and heighten your shed through the power of my mind. So don’t despair! For a small fee allow me to sit cross-legged in your garden for half an hour and your shed will be at least three inches taller. Call me for a quote for more height. Please note that all this mind power normally leads to an immediate evacuation of my bowels, so please do have a few wet wipes handy. Call me, Frank Dartmoor-Prison today and together we can lift your shed to the height of your dreams.

GUSSET WHITENING – Why buy expensive and cumbersome new pants when a simple gusset whitening will make them all white again? It will be all white on the night with my gusset whitening service. Blood, tears, dream remnants, sweat, rat poison, chlorine, crushed aspirations, connect four discs and snakes can all be removed from gussets in a matter of moments. Please call me for a quote if your gussets have been affected by any issues they may have seen on this programme. If you have blue or purple pants then please call our sister company run by my sister. Ideal gift for the dirty gusseted in your life, we also do demonstrations every Christmas Eve round the back of my brother’s pub. Call Whitey Whitey Gussets-a-go-go today! Free cucumber with every order over £200.