Tabloid Squirrel

Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!

The tabloid squirrel

This image – Not Photoshopped.

Phew what a scorcher! We hear on the jungle drums that Abele ‘The Face’ Otter has been on holiday showing off the assets that made her a star! She was captured flouting her fish-tinged whiskers at a $2000-a-night exclusive golf resort for the stars in Malta. Her agent told us – ‘She’s just enjoying life since the marriage break-up that cost her so much emotionally. Abele has always been keen on golf and has built up quite the handicap on the greens!’ We say – Fwourrrrrrr!

Meanwhile, Stickleback front man Chas Beaver has been in trouble with the law again after crashing his one million dollar Italian sports car into a roadside Fondue stand on the Las Vegas strip. Dam! Sources tell us that he spent the night in the cells. A Deputy of the Las Vegas Law Enforcement Department told us – ‘He was clearly not in his right mind, but once he’d come down from whatever he was on, he was sure sorry! He signed some photos and left the next morning. He’s basically a good guy.’ We still say that he’s a gnaw-ty boy!

Oscar winner Oscar ‘The Oscar’ Slow-Worm has revealed that he has a secret passion for collecting old mobile phones. On the set of his latest film, he explained – ‘It started off with a few old Motorolas but sort of snow-balled from there really. I have over 700 classic Nokias alone. They really do worm their way into your affections!’ His words, not ours! Dear God… – Ed.

Finally, New York socialite Gnatty Biteitch has been seen stepping out with yet another one of her personal trainers. This week’s hunky-monkey has been named as Barry Gibbon who had a time in the spotlight as the singer from obscure 80’s New Romantic band – The Swing of Things. His appearance alongside Gnatty has certainly caused quite a buzz!

That’s quite enough of that. Can’t believe we’re paying for this tripe… Tabloid Squirrel will be back for more animal-related shoddiness. Unless we can find a loop-hole in his contract that is.

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Tabloid squirrel

Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!

Tabloid squirrel himself

He loves a bit of wood in the morning.

Welcome back showbiz fans and have WE got shrews for you? Yes. Yes we have!

First up, Goaty Rapidcorner has been locking horns with socialite, Elky Alces. Oh dear! Apparently they’ve been seen throwing chicken Tikka at each other at a recent garden party. I’ll BET that didn’t curry favour with the hosts!

In other exciting news, the Woodlouski brothers have announced that they are in pre-production for their latest blockbuster – The Gatetrix – Re-Logged, starring the rather stilted acting skills of Koala Leaves. We can only hope that his latest performance will be tree-mendous (that’s enough timber references thank you – Ed).

Elsewhere in the crazy world of Hollywood (last warning – Ed), YOU may HAVE heard that Robin Weevils has been axed from the remake of Dead Stoats Society due to creative differences. Robin has filed a lawsuit claiming age discrimination. An insider at Toadstone Pictures told us ‘Weevils has a problem with the white powder ya know? You can’t trust a smuck like that. He’s hitting up a kilo of self-raising every day.’

Finally, we’re happy to announce that those two love-birds, Maddy and Curtis Ringdove have hatched two new additions to their happy nest. Little Trafalgar-Square and Shop-Sign Ringdove were born on Monday TO a tired but happy Mom and POP! Mother and Chicks are doing well. Coo-chi-coo you two!

Tabloid Squirrel will sadly be back with more lumber-obsessed gossip at some point probably.


Tabloid Squirrel

The tabloid squirrel

He doesn’t write for Nuts magazine.

Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!

Fans of Gerry Lee-Boar ARE in luck this week as the radio celebrity has been snapped boaring-all at Longleat Centre Parcs. THESE images clearly show that, despite the Disc-Jockeys famous love of KP peanuts, he’s been working out la-boar-iously in pursuit of a hunky body!!

With all this GOING down, you’d be forgiven for missing the latest on-set tantrum by Bobby Stoat while filming the latest mega-budget horror flick, Albino Rabbits 2 – Carrots of the Unforgiving. He reportedly threw his own droppings at a main grip who’d asked if he would sign his Beano Annual. We can’t see that this is going TO help with his already shaky reputation for being awkward to work with! He’ll be losing fans by the stoat-load!

It’s been reported that model, Melly Grasshopper, will BE the new face of MoleSkins petit range. A bold move considering the flak that Melly received when her weight plummeted to under a gram for the Weasel-Wear fashion show. Still, considering she’s in the twilight of her career, I’m sure she jumped at the chance!

Is it just me that has NOTICED a striking similarity between Turbot Jones, the flamboyant front-fish of The Oxygen Boys and Guru-to-the-stars, Findley Bosh-Horse? They’ve both been seeing the pricy image consultant Dinky Bear for a fresh new look. Unfortunately it appears to be the same fresh new look! Let’s hope Findley’s not just a one trick pony and that Turbot’s not just fishing for compliments!!!

Ouch…. More awful puns and under-developed ideas with Tabloid Squirrel soon. Unless you beg us to stop…


Tabloid Squirrel

The tabloid squirrel

Not secret. Tabloid.

Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!

Well it’s been a tough week for pip-squeak POP prima-donna Patsy Dormouse. After the scandal that was her dalliance with her burley builder, she’s been caught taking advantage of a certain swivel-headed DJ, Graham B. Owl. It GOES without saying that he’ll be having his wheels of steel spun this weekend! T-wit-t-woo’d!

Meanwhile, Tabloid Squirrel can report that THE one and only legendary boxer – Foxy Balboa – was caught training in someone else’s ring on Tuesday if you get my meaning. That’s right folks! We can almost hear the divorce papers being shuffled by his long suffering wife, Geraldene WEASEL, who is the heiress of a small fortune of hazel nuts. We think Foxy’s going to be PRETTY red-faced!

Finally this week, soap-star Franski Hedgepig can celebrate a LITTLE victory in the long running rift with Goat Stevens – the creator of Sixpence Woods – when Goat announced in an interview with Copse I Can magazine that he’d been wrong about Franski’s swimming addiction. Ahhh, let’s hope they can patch THINGS up for good!


Tabloid Squirrel

Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!

The tabloid squirrel

Not secret. Tabloid.

I see them Hedgehog Twins have been out on the razz again this week. Your loyal servant Tabloid Squirrel CAUGHT up with a close friend of the stars who have featured in films such as Benjie’s Revenge and Why are you still bleeding Mr Robinson? to get the inside gen. By all accounts the twins, Debbie, 19 and Doris, 24 were partying the night away at exclusive club HERPES until well past their bedtime. The twinkle toed twins were spotted knocking back the rum and cokes before LEAVING with Hollywood A-lister Zac Backencrack. Daddy, multi-millionaire film producer Marvin T. Robot, won’t be a happy BUNNY reading this. My guess is that they will be in T-rouble when they finally crawl home!

Meanwhile closer to home, it looks like the Krayfish brothers are in a right ol’ pickle with their dear departed marvvver, to whom they were so good while she was alive. Having escaped from prison just last week the boys are already turning their attentions to their next big scam – Scaletrix! Reggie Krayfish has already held high level talks with Hornby and their plans to make an autobiographical version of the popular kids’ toy are starting to take SHAPE. But their fledging business won’t please their poor departed ma. She was a MASSIVE fan of Buckaroo and her will stipulated that the lads could only depict their life of crime and violence through a game of luck and chance involving small plastic barrels, spades and saddlebags. Insiders reckon she has already VISITED the family home and ticked the boys off proper style during a recent SÉANCE. What the fack?

And finally, Arctic terns are famous for undertaking the longest migration of any BIRD. Some individuals travel from the Arctic to the Antarctic and back again over the course of a year. Their migration means that they NEVER really have a winter – cos when the northern hemisphere experiences its winter months, the birds are in the southern hemisphere, and VICE versa. That’s a facking tern up for the books!