Peter Foust-Grumpert and his blog within a blog

Return of F-G (it is)
Return of F-G (come on)
Return of F-G (oh my God)
You knew that I’d be back (here I am)

That’s right my grateful followers, Peter’s back to rock the show. Respect due to me.

Thursday 26 July 2012 – 12.45pm

Sausages

Not your average bangers.

Well I’ve been on a sabbatical due to some personal matters and, of course, big business. I was asked for some advice on a promising little blog regarding luxury sausage making. ‘Squeezing one out’ will be making big waves on the blog scene very soon and is set to put our little town on the map for quality sausages. Keep them pealed (not the sausages though, that’s reserved for potatoes and other hard skinned vegetables. Pealing sausages is only for emergency stuffing use only). Offaly good.

And the personal matters? Well I’ve been suffering with post-nasal drip which has sapped some creative energy recently. Well, I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself off and got on with conquering my goals. Is there any left to conquer eh Peter?

Thursday 26 July 2012 – 3.56pm

So Peter’s back. Bring on the trumpets and play a lament to boredom because it’s being chased up the flag-pole. Bingo!

Back to business, you’ll be glad to hear that the leylandii article is right back on the front burner. It’s as refined as single malt and twice as mind-blowing. Long gestation

So, how are the courses going over at the leisure centre? It’s a funny story but, due to circumstances beyond my control and a court order, I’ve been stopped from running them. Daphne turned on me and claimed sexual harassment on the third lesson. Like she had a chance with old Peter eh? I like my women like I like my coffee. Strong. And Kenyan. Mrs. F-G is a lucky lady eh Peter?

Back soon for more pearls of genius. I may even break out the leylandii post. Brace yourself…

Christ who invited Peter back? No…… I missed that email otherwise I’d have done something… I’m not having another Irish back-lash…. Um, looks like there will be more Peter Foust-Grumpert soon… Sorry about that.

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Poetry corner

Dolphins of Dagenham – by Hanky Meatspin

Bang!
The divorce,
That ripped that family into a whole three quarters,
Wantonly spoke at the cat in Dutch paint

Fwap!
The letter,
That signalled the end of days around the spoon,
Talking of deeds never spoken of then

Boingggggg!
His cheques,
Written in jest of days when they were once happened of yet,
Spoken words on tea towels

Changgggggggggg!
The sound of closure,
Closing closily in a closing way backwards,
Moisture clinging from Scouts

Spang!
The fork of destiny,
Hanging like a sausage around their cloaks,
They leave


More monkeybroth classifieds

MORRISSEY for sale – 16in frame with 15 Shimano gears. Hardly worn. Will sing Smiths hits if stroked. Requires 12 AA batteries. Little bit of rust in the usual places but first to see will buy, so don’t miss out. The gravitational pull of the moon forces reluctant sale. £18 Call 01224 7878784457689 and ask for Derek or one of the Dominoes.

CHE GUEVARA COLANDER – for sale. Crafted in the shape of the revolutionary leader and iconic figure. Vendor moving to Ventnor to find venue for vending machine. Colander is genuine collector’s item – make a perfect gift for fans of kitchen appliances in the shape of revolutionary leaders. Also available Garibaldi Spatula and Trotsky Griddle Pan. Entire set £43 ovno. Ask for Barry Britches on 444666777.

THE PIPS – former Gladys Knight backing singers for sale. Can be seen with mother. Fully wormed and inoculated and KC registered. All boys, ready for a new home immediately. Come with microphones and silver tuxedo style suits. Ideal first backing singers, fully harmonised and ready to go. To view, catch the midnight train and ask for Georgia.

POTATOES – two potatoes for sale. Unwanted competition prize. Unpeeled, ideal gift for potato fans. New cambelt fitted, attention needed to electrics hence bargain price £1,600 ono.

STALIN SHOES – Get in on the latest craze! Crocs shoes with pictures of Stalin on them. Comfortable and practical in sizes 4-11. Red only. March your way to the Urals in these high fashion items, ideal for a Siberian summer and for children with communist values everywhere. Call Red Ronnie on the phone

DOLPHIN PYSCHIC – My underwater mammal can predict your future accurately and safely. 100 per cent tuna friendly service. Readings can be done in person (please bring swimming trunks) or over the phone. Please allow minutes between readings as dolphin can get terribly tired. Full interpretation manual provided at time of writing. No Pisces please as you tend to distract dolphin from the job in hand. Call Mystic Mark and the Dolphin of Doom on 8999675. Friendly local service (based in Clumhound, Barkfordshire)

MY GRANDMOTHER – popular matriarchal octogenarian for sale. People keep telling me I would do it so here I am doing it. Lovely temperament, ideal replacement for lost elderly relatives. Slight wear and tear to chassis but structurally sound. Born post-war so very few combat stories to share. Buyer must provide own port and lemon and be prepared to register my Gran as SORN. Comes with shawl and brand new stainless steel dribble bowl. Answers to Doris but will respond to ‘Felix’ ‘Arthur’ and ‘Leo Sayer’. No time wasters please. Viewing strictly by appointment only. Call on me, Eric Prydz, on 76866788.

TRAILER – for sale or rent. Also room to let, 50c. Please note I am not selling a phone or a pool. No pets either. Will consider part exchange in return for two hours pushing broom for this or for an eight by twelve four bit room. Ain’t got no cigarettes so smoking is strictly forbidden. Call King Of The Road lettings and ask for Dean.

STAR WARS collectible inflatables. Due to a factory fire I have three Stars Wars inflatables for sale. One Darth Vader inflatable plus two full size Ewoks. Ewoks come with inflatable spears and will emit low grunts when squeezed. Due to damage Darth Vader does not inflate fully – meaning head droops to one side. Ideal for children’s parties or Star Wars themed inflatable parties. £15 each ovno. Will consider part ex for £15. Call me and ask for Spagna – yes, the 1980s Italian pop princess.


Monkeybroth classifieds

Possible swap – Swop-Shop sweater size small

A knitted homage to the popular children’s Saturday morning show. Fully certified memorabilia complete with Mike Reid’s (maygodresthissoul) stamp of disapproval. May throw in a Cheggers’ Goes Pap (rare misprint) eiderdown if the deal is right.

May swap for Manimal desk fan.

Call 64646804086406406+40640496046 for misdirection.

Wanted – Ghost Dad on DVD

Has anyone got this on DVD? Is it an actual film or have I made it up? I think it may have Kenneth Branagh in it and be themed around Bakewell Tart. I’m not sure. There may have been a follow up called The Misadventures of a Grave Digga possibly starring Frampton O’Cake as a bowling alley instructor. Whatever. I don’t wish to pay anything so you can get that idea out of your head.

Contact me on: Telepathy

Were you that girl?

Well were you? Don’t be shy – get in touch via the medium of dance. I’ve got a car, a small flat and three pairs of trousers and I’m willing to share (just the trousers mind).

See you soon pretty lady!!

For sale – A framed picture of my cousin

No particular reason for sale. She’s no stunner but is ‘handsome’ in a certain light and fully washable. Non smoking on account of it being a picture.  First to see will wonder what on earth happened.

Just pop round.