The proud, rural shire of Bifford is also home to a surprising number of local industries, doing and providing for the denizens of our fair corner of creamy England. But how do you know what you need without someone telling you in clear, calm tones? Well, put down that copy of Innovations and let MonkeyBroth point you to your perfect purveyor. Go on, we’ll be ever-so gentle poppet…
Pants on fire but not a liar? Then you need Crotch-Quench! We all know that burning feeling when nylon underwear creates a spark and ignites your favourite merkin. So why put up with it? Crotch-Quench puts out 65% of static-sourced undercarriage calamities meaning you can just get on with your day. A small CO2 canister reacts to a 45 degree change in temperature to ensure that your furry prosthetic remains un-scorched. Warning – sudden release of pressurised gas can cause momentary discomfort, unpleasant sensations and rapid frostbite.
Egan’s Vegans Appalled by animal products? Then Biffordshire’s newest vegan restaurant, run by 80’s suave ‘amuse me’ merchant Peter Egan, can cater for your vegetation requirements. Formal dress please. No steak boots to be worn in the premises.
Mike’s Brewers “Ooooold aaaght yor aaaand” and let us put a pint in it. Mike’s Brewers have been making Biffordshire’s finest ales for over 3 months and are holding an open day this coming weekend. Get your annnnds on our prototype new brews including the long awaited Malteaser Malt, Brewwoof, and Sapient Pony Allotment craft ale. Free admission to under 18s. Entry price highly negotiable. Mike’s Brewers is situated in Humpf-in-the-Hole next to Edd’s China.
Captain Corelli’s Mandarin Glump-under-Hill’s premiere fruit, veg and florists. Prefab sprouts, clockwork oranges, black grapes, peppers that are both red and hot always in stock. We also have some smashing pumpkins. Located just behind Egan’s Vegans in the High Street.
Here at Monkeybroth Towers, Christmas has come early, much like Mike from accounts if the graffiti in the ladies toilet is to be believed. That aside, our festive feelings have been in full overdrive this week with a cornucopia of messages offering items for sale. It would appear Biffordshirians from across the county are clearing out their garages, lofts and, in the case of a Mr G Whippet from Saggy Hole, his underground concrete-clad nuclear bunker.
Mr Whippet wrote to us personally to say his collection of Margaret Thatcher merchandise was up for grabs as part of his massive yuletide clear out so we despatched Rodney to Mr Whippet’s house for a look-see. Rodney tweeted to say he liked the look of the Margaret Thatcher toaster and the coasters, but drew the line at the Margaret Thatcher coal fire. Rodney is the office budgie we should point out, so it was probably out of respect for his got-shoved-down-a-mine-to-see-if-there-is-gas ancestors that he turned his little beak up at the fossil fuel guzzling heat-providing centrepiece.
To his credit Rodney did try and bring back the Margaret Thatcher toaster back from Mr Whippet’s bunker but he got eaten by a cat on Marshmallow Road, just a few metres from the office. The toaster doesn’t work either.
BORDER COLLIES – are your existing collies bored enough? We’ve got border collies. They are so bored they can’t even be bothered to watch the television and instead will spend hours in your bedroom looking out of the window. Our top of the range Border Collies will also roll their eyes at you while picking at their nails on command. Don’t just have bored collies, get border collies. Call Spitonme 334422 and ask for Gavin Hastings.
CHEGGERS PLAYS PLOP – I once saw Keith Chegwin at Whoft’s Otter and Marmalade Summer Roadshow. It was back in that hot summer of 1976. Anyway, I followed Keith into the portaloos and when the park ranger’s back was turned collected some of his faecal matter. No, I would have waited until I got home too. Anyway, as Christmas is approaching I thought I would…wait, how much are these per word? Oh blimey. Keith Chegwin’s 40 year old plop for sale. Call Bangles-on-the-wrist 45333322 and ask for Maggie Philbin
JESUS JONES – Remember them? Well I’ve got 43 Raleigh Mudflaps for sale. Ideal for the cycling mudlap enthusiast and with Christmas around the corner what better time to say that you want your loved one to be mud free in 2016 and beyond. Due to acute angina I am unable to split this collection, so it’s 43 mudflaps or nothing. Call Rashybuttocks on 5444553.
BAND MERCHANDISE – If you are a fan of local rock music then you ought probably to readdress what you are doing with your life. That notwithstanding and havingsaidthat I’ve got loads of merchandise from Biffordshire’s top band ‘Missing Cat’ for sale. You’ve probably seen their posters up and around Rashybuttocks, Climp, Flange and Tittyhole. They won’t play Spitonme or Wheft since the great Salvation Army riots of 1989. Anyway I have five ‘Missing Cat’ posters up for sale, including tabby, ginger, black and white and the rare tortoiseshell. Call Barry Sheen on Fingle 544545 and ask for extension 78. If it rings out, redial and ask to be put through to Charlton, off of Charlton and the Wheelies.
THESARUS FOR SALE – What do you give the man in your life who may also be lost for words as well as being in your life? A thesaurus, that is what is what. It’s awful unfortunately. Really awful and furthermore it’s awful. I had a look through it for inspiration but it is awful, just awful. Call Ed the Duck on Fortiscue 546363633
COCONUT SHAMPOO – Thanks to a recent fire at Austin’s Fish and Sock Bar in Wheft (Mr Clang left the fryer on again!) I have 78 bottles of luxurious coconut shampoo for sale. It brings up the little straggly hairs on a coconut a real treat and will help you get your coconut ready for a night on the town. There’s nothing worse than getting to your works Christmas do with a coconut with its hair looking all unmanageable, so cure your coconut hair concerns by calling Arthur Northern-Ireland on Flimp 78787878855
WHELP LIBRARY – Don’t forget to pop into Whelp Library over the festive season. We’ve got books on kittens, books on turtles and even books on salamanders. Since all our shelves were stolen during the great Salvation Army riots we are having to use animals instead, so catch them while they are not looking in your direction! Be quick though because some of the kittens are looking decidedly weary having to balance all those books. Ooo, talking of which my husband runs an accountancy firm from the cupboard under our stairs. So if you need any accounts done in a very small cupboard under some stairs give me a call. We’re based on Calculator-on-the-rim so we are bound to be local to you.
CALL ME – Please call me, call me, baby, baby call me now. Call me , call on me (baby, baby) Do, do , do it Baby please. Having trouble naming your baby? Don’t know what to call it or him? Call Spagna on Rome 78789090 for all your baby naming needs.
Going cheap – Chicks!
Geddit?!? Eh? Ay?!? No seriously, we have some chicks for sale and they are reasonably priced.
Call Ben Whitecliffs on Bletch 784 523
Ford Ming 19.1 L, 17 valve
In suspicious fawn with full veneer and artichoke interior. FSH. 6 sleeve gearbox, Elastic windows, Icyfox seats, Front frogs, Artbags and alloy weevils. CL, GSOH, WLTM, LOL, TL;DR, AFAIR. Comes with 12 mins MOT and Tics.
Call Dunkly Musk on a phone if possible
Concrete driveway for sale
Due to having my driving licence taken away from me, I have no need for my driveway. Much loved but has to go to make way for a bike rack. Buyer collects.
Call Mungo on Upper Crunge 564 125
For sale, my Complete Works of Danny Dyer box set. Includes ‘My F#$kin’ Britain’, ‘Sh*t me it’s a Weasel’ and his much loved ‘Christ I C@cking’ Love Bridgend trilogy. I’ll throw in a rare first edition of ‘Knitting Sh*te for Geezers’ for the right price.
Here, nestled in the sweet bosom of Monkeybroth Towers we like to look after you dear readers. We’d towel you down after a wet walk in the countryside if we could. Caress your forehead to soothe away the aches and stresses that your job as Budgens Regional Manager entails. We’d plump your cushions if only we were able, make you a hot chocolate with squirty cream, give you a rough and tumble style Chinese burn. Watch you while you sleep. Unfortunately, we can’t do any of those things, but consider the following public service announcements cum classifieds as our playful slap on your bottom…. you complete us and we heart you. Both of you.
CELEBRITY FANS! If you are a fan of celebrities, then you’ll love celebrity fans! We are Biffordshire’s foremost celebrity fan stockist, well; we will be after Star Fans burns to the ground in a mysterious blaze next week. Anyway, you need look no further than the end of your nose for all your celebrity fan needs and requirements – birthdays, weddings, unexpected and sudden deaths, we can cater for any joyous occasion. Call Barbara Hugedong on Wibble 456546 or tweet your enquiry to #smellofpetrolonmyhands
STAR BRAS! If you are fan of the stars then show your enjoyment of all things celestial by donning a bra shaped into your favourite constellation. We’ve got every bra shaped in a constellation under the moon – special offer this week on balconette Orions in 34DD only or, due to flood damage, why not take advantage of the amazing discounts in our lace, whale-bone, Cassiopeia range – complete with AAA battery compartment and working mineshaft. Call Fiona Grimtinkle on Slapp 67676767 for more information today!
ANT AND DECKING – Does your garden need a makeover? Why not have a think about a North-Eastern England themed design? Graham’s Gardens, Biffordshire’s foremost landscape gardeners will happily come around to your house and turn your lawn and flower beds into a Tynetastic homage to the North East. You can be Geordie Shore of it! Don’t take our word for it? Read some of our fantastic reviews from our happy customers
“I wasn’t sure what to do with the garden and I still don’t” – Fred Thatchstiff, Glump
“I’m thrilled with the service – I now have empty Newcastle Brown Ale bottles all over my decking and Cheryl Cole themed plant pots. The highlight though has to be my new Jimmy Nail lawnmower. It’s greeet man! Thanks Graham’s Gardens!” Marge On-Abigpole, Stump
“Who? No I haven’t had any gardening work done. Sorry, think you have the wrong number.” ANON, Whump
COCKTAIL SIR? HOW ABOUT YOU MADAM? Due to a YTS apprentice falling asleep on the computer and pressing the wrong button, we’ve got far too much stock than we could ever possibly sell. That won’t stop us from trying though! We wanted to order some cool cocktail glasses to sell, but due to the slumbering student and his idiotic elbows this was entered as mole. Yes, we have 7,898 mole shaped cocktail glasses for sale. Why not have an underground mammal party with your friends and relatives? They’ll be wowed by that and will not stop going on about it. Please give us a ring. Please. Call Owen Foxtrench on Glitter 7777686866
VW FOR SALE – Got my nice VW POLIO for sale. 1.2 litre only 36k on the clock, FSH, VGC and a good sense of humour. Both passenger side tyres are smaller than the driver’s side and won’t inflate for some reason. Anyway VW POLIOs are good little runners. Well, not that good. Call me Amy – Thingulike for a test drive.
CLOWN CLONE – Want a clown cloned? Call Clown Clone today. Don’t be satisfied with owning one clown, own more. Fully secure 24 hour service. Clown Clone won’t appear on your bill, instead it will say ‘Big Jubbers Inc’. Unfortunately due to their genetic make-up clown car horns cannot be cloned, however contact us to discuss your water-squirting flower or door-falling-of- car requirements. Clown Clone – we are not joking around alright? Call Stanislav O’Grundy on Fecklip-on-Flange 45343444
THAT’S SHOE BUSINESS! – Predict the future with a pair of Nostradamus Desert Boots. Fully lace upable and with a sole. To predict the future slip them on in the morning and think about your favourite pony until you are called down for your breakfast. Please be aware the value of your dreams can go up as well as down. Your hopes are at risk if you do not keep up repayments. Call Future Shoes and ask for Derek Smallpipe.
End of the world Headphones
I’ve got a pair of P.M. Dawn branded headphones for sale. These are the noise cancelling model but unfortunately, the noise cancelling function has developed a fault which means that they cancel their own noise out. This causes an audio paradox that threatens the fabric of space and time. May be fixable.
Free to a collector – call Derrick Shambles on Skunchton 687451
Great condition with only slight cosmetic damage. Terrified of water but can be used for inflating very small hot air balloons. Alopecia forces reluctant sale.
£12 ono – email me on firstname.lastname@example.org
In only lightly foxed condition, this fox has a lovely face, can erect a marquee in only 15 seconds and has been taught proper table manners – none of that elbows on the table tat you get with lesser foxes. Due to reduced circumstances, I am unable to finish this fox but he only needs a few skills to make him the full package. First to see will buy!
Phone or Fox Sandra Spandex – Cleft 454547
Outrageously small molluscs
Due to civic unrest, I have a warehouse full to the doorstop in outrageously small molluscs for knock-down prices! ‘How small?’ I hear you ask! They are even more outrageously small than my sale on incredulously miniscule Italian grandmothers last week. Yes, they really are that outrageously small! Discount for bulk purchases over 35 grams.
Call Fred MacAspoon – Baffle 110010
Tomahawk missile – Still boxed with instructions, enamel paints and decals. Buyer will need a trailer to take away. Unwanted present as I’m more into Claymore mines. Call Damian Frunk – Upper Clunge 020 5415
Like Moths? – OMG!!!! Me too!!!!!!!!!! I just love moths!!!!! I mean I really just adore moths! I think the way they crash repeatedly into light bulbs is soooooo cute! Give me a call if you want to talk about moths coz they rock my world!!!! CHRIST!!!!! MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fax Betty Deathshead on Coitus-twixt-the-Sea 285715
Vast Knitted Fawns – Due to an amazing coincidence involving bottle tops, I have over 200 vast knitted fawns for sale at knock-down prices. These vast knitted fawns range in vastness from a conservative 150 square feet to over 300 miles in width. Must go as I need the space for a consignment of biblically-huge crocheted Tapirs. Email Barry.Fountain@glosscoat.not
Wanted – Classified ad – I want to sell my collection of mouldy Harvey Keitel figurines but I need some advertising space. If you know of somewhere I can advertise my rotten dolls or can supply some space, I’d love to hear from you! Please call Ptolemy Drunge on P.Drunge@felch.can
One, Two, Buckle my shoe – Three, four come buy my door! £67.50 or near offer. Can you just print that? Yeah, I like it… it’s snappy. No, don’t put the bit about dry rot in. I don’t want to put people off. So that will be up for 7 days yeah? Ok, no that’s great. Thanks for the help… click….buzzzzzz…. Darcy Handcream on Swang 478 478
HALF A RAT for sale. Back end. Unwanted gift so priced to sell. Would suit owner of front end of rat, looking for the back end of a rat to make one rat. Alternatively it might be useful for someone who had another back end of a rat who wants a pair of back ends of rats. Call A. Taxi on Grunton 345556433.
AIR for sale. For some reason I seem to have loads of spare air just floating about the house. Got more than enough for personal use; hence this reluctant sale. First to see will buy, but good luck with that as it’s air I’m selling. And it’s very difficult to see. Call Alex Ferguson on Badguff-on-Mold 435666433.
CORDUROY iron – need to add corduroy to your everyday items? I am the managing director of a large multinational corduroy iron company but am taking out a small classified ad to make this offer appear more genuine. We all need more corduroy in our lives and a corduroy iron can go ahead and add that corduroy. Just iron over the item you need corduroy on and within a few minutes the item you wanted corduroy on will have corduroy on. Corduroy Iron – it will have you in creases! Call Bob Satan-Marigold on Clots 45343232112211
OTTER DUNGAREES – Due to a heavy electrical storm I have up to eleven pairs of stylish denim otter dungarees. All clip fastening, these lovely items are presented in their original cardboard box complete with collectible ‘Lidl meat’ printed on the side. Due to a heavy cold these dungarees are not yet waterproof, but don’t let that put you off making a purchase for the otter (or eleven) in your life. Call Garry Baldi on Fortescue Major 4311998009
HOLIDAYS WITH PETS – Looking for the perfect getaway this summer? Since being committed last year but subsequently released with an electronic tag I know I am! How frustrating is it though to book a lovely hol only to hear that pets are not allowed? Very I should say. Well, now that disappointment no longer needs to be a thing of the past. I’ve got the keys to two lovely Biffordshire cottages just a few metres from the Keeley Kidney Stones, Biffordshire’s most ancient monument. Please note that the cottages are not suitable for pets. Call Whump on 8877665 and ask for Barry Ungulate.
THE STEAM OFF MY WEE – I’ve noticed a lot of steam comes off of my wee these days. Especially on cold days. An ideal bottled gift for the model train enthusiast or pervert. Call Arthur Stretch on Vagisil 6546443