Poetry Corner
Posted: 13/03/2021 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: alternative, bottle, funny, milk, poetry, solders, strange Leave a commentGlass Warriors – by Romily Whirt

Lined up on the doorstop,
Soldiers without their foil top,
Small see-through battalions,
Stripped of their medallions
They’d fought the war of Cocopops,
The skirmish of hot chocolates,
The battlegrounds of tea,
For coffees paid their fee
Locked up in a cold dark gulag
They could not hoist the white flag,
White blood chilled for freshness,
Both pasteurised and restless
The screech of a an opened gate
The journey rattled in plastic crate,
To Valhalla they think and out of the hunt,
Alas to dairy then back to battlefront
Poetry corner
Posted: 18/04/2018 Filed under: Poetry corner, Uncategorized | Tags: bees, humour, odd poems, wasps 1 CommentMonster wasp – by Gent Thunderblanket and Franz Wotsit

Picked on the wrong wasp fool.
An unbelievable beast it was rarely believed,
Brian’s pet wasp all his friends they agreed,
Such a good pet it was for a young buck,
Though the constant stinging yeah, that did suck
But the wasp was Brian’s for bad and for good,
He cared for it, paid for its education and food,
It wore the best clothes that could be provided,
For invertebrate tailors are often misguided
Stripy it was, bad tempered and surly,
Its owner, dear Brian still loved it most purely,
A habit of jam jars and pub garden cider,
Harsh buzzing of wings and its owner the rider
For Brian you see was a finger-width tall,
For him a matchbox was the size of a hall,
So a wasp was a monster to a man of his stature,
A brave choice of pet and tricky to capture
Yet one day Brian spied in a neighbouring field,
A similar bug but far better heeled,
It was stripy and fluffy so soft on his knees,
It seemed that he’d finally fallen for bees
The sort of pet you could show to your mum,
With it’s nicer demeanour and gentler humm,
All the advantages afforded to wasps,
But none of the stinging or tailoring costs
“I can’t keep them both for I am too little!”
Sighed Brian the height of a badger’s toy skittle,
“Can I abandon my overwrought wasp?”
“It’s not like I owe him. I’ve never been boss.”
So by nightfall Brian rushed out and ran to the hive,
So neat not like wasps nests that were always such dives,
He selected a bee the biggest he’d seen,
Not knowing he’d foolishly stolen the queen
It fought for a while but he resolute,
Tamed the queen bee and escaped with a hoot,
But bees are possessive of their majesty,
The swarm quickly roused and pursued with alacrity
It dawned on him quickly he’d made quite the blunder,
That bees were not pets and would tear him asunder,
The abandonment guilt for his old wasp felt funny,
But not as unpleasant as falling in honey
He’d fallen right off of his striped royal steed,
Into the stuff on which bears like to feed,
It closed round his ankles a sugary glue,
And closer and closer the angry swarm flew
The moral of this as the buzzing grew keener,
Thought Brian is that the grass is not greener,
A wasp is a wasp from cradle to grave,
Angry and surly but incredibly brave
But wasps feel abandonment issues like us,
Although they may hide it not making a fuss,
Too late this epiphany for treacherous Brian,
A thousand stings later he lay there just dying.
Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash
Good gardenstuffs! Is this site still limping along? Well I’ll be… More poetry possibly in the next decade only on MonkeyBroth.
Poetry corner
Posted: 15/08/2016 Filed under: Poetry corner, Uncategorized | Tags: coodle, dark, doodle, funny, nonsense, poetry 8 CommentsThe roughage grows dark – by Minty Boffle

The dark doodle
Once it may have been true to a point,
That the roughage was rough and the flample was goint,
But when looked down on it’s true that you see,
The flample was pample and goadingly droit
It once looked quite pretty when viewed in the dark,
The roughage, the pample, hung out in the park,
For sitting on swings and going all weeee,
But the droit came upon them and cut them a’grark
The pample did stample and the roughage did yank,
And across the sandpit the pair they did sank,
To rid them both ever of the nether-seen droit,
They pitched up a coodle and had a stout plank
But the roughage not covered beneath the pitch coodle,
Was exposed to the droit right on to his noodle,
And the pample did peek out a safe word to utter,
But the roughage was lost with it’s memory a doodle
Poetry corner
Posted: 17/10/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: almost funny, love, lunar, moon, nonsence, poetry 1 CommentYou celestial thing you – by Jenny Hatswitch
Oh moon why is it that,
At evening time you make me swoon,
When you are gibbous it sends me a flutter,
Your colour akin to some slightly off butter.
Your evening display quintessentially lunar,
After which I feel like having a bhuna,
I know that this sounds so strange to you moon,
But that you’re a rock to me is a boon.
So Moon, never leave me here all alone,
I wish for your heavenly body to be shown,
While I’m not quite sure that I’d be suicidal,
I do feel my mood swings are massively tidal.
Poetry rectangle
Posted: 28/08/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: food poetry, odd poems, surreal poetry Leave a commentSavoury trees
By Jordan Drysponge-Wetsponge
A decent buffet is really all a chap wants,
Wotsits, sausage rolls and mushroom vol-au-vents
Add in pints of strong continental lager,
And your average Joe will be in a heavenly lather
But for the love of arse don’t just lazily tip out a bag of twiglets,
And expect THAT to constitute a buffet, I’d rather nosh on piglets’
Buttocks or electrocute myself in the bath with a hairdryer,
Or immerse my whole body in a turned on chip fryer,
Or throw myself in front of the 8.46 from Waterloo,
Or stick a fork in my eyes and give myself a Chinese burn. Oooo
It makes me mad these twiglet loving idiots whose brains are clearly dead,
Just going around pouring them out and calling that a buffet instead
of taking some time and care about their savoury presentations
Running around all evil and weird with their nasty twiglet machinations,
I’d rather shove a piglet, yes another one, in my ear than gracefully concede to friggin twiglets PLEASE!
Hello? People? What’s so wrong with a decent bit of pineapple and cheese?
You bunch of howling apes with your stupid savoury trees,
Except they’re not trees are they, Mmmm? They are made of erm, actually…
I’m not sure what they are or what they could be
Marmite? Oh marmite did you say?
I quite like marmite, but I’m still going to stick forks in my eyes anyway
Hah! That will teach you, Mum, for
Not serving me a buffet for my 43rd birthday
Poetry corner
Posted: 01/08/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: ears, kidneys, knees, lobes, nonsense, poetry, strange Leave a commentBodily terrors – by Gloria Headtorch
There are noses in my dreams,
Snorting and snuffling and tooting and bubbling,
There are noses in my dreams,
The sort of thing that makes sleep so troubling
Knees feature quite prominently too,
Clicking and clacking and knobbly and retching,
Although I’d wish for something new,
It’s knees and not even ones that are fetching
Don’t get me started on the kidneys,
They frighten me most and make waking a pleasure,
They make me sleep-punch my Sidney,
He says that it’s fine and to punch at my leisure
The lobes! The lobes! Oh Christ yes the lobes,
Most often lobes scare me half blind,
And while I’m worrying about them in droves,
Stalking eyelashes sneak from behind
So while my night terrors are full to the brim,
With feelings of dread and foreboding,
Body parts full of most murderous vim,
With arms on the side-lines still goading.
Poetry corner
Posted: 17/06/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: funny, nonsense, poetry, power, spoon, sword Leave a commentThe Soon Spoon – by Hilliard Ever-Soslightly
Oooo wasn’t it a bendy spoon,
It made light and yet made gloom,
It stayed all bendy until noon,
And then became so stiff
With a spoon like that you’d be the boss,
You would never suffer loss,
If you did you’d barely give a toss,
And should you care – you shouldn’t
When stiff it could become a sword,
When bendy makes you feel a Lord,
Your subjects ever overawed,
That spoon could crumble empires
Destroyer of worlds the spoon became,
Sheer power of it never tamed,
And you will never be the same,
Now you are in its thrall.
A weapon beyond the realms of man,
It weighs a tonne and yet a gram,
You borrowed it from your old Nan,
Part of her picnic hamper
Poetry Corner
Posted: 16/05/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: fun, funny, Mildred, poetry, pork pie, quirky, running 1 CommentRacing Mildred – by Norbert Twistgrip
Mildred was a bandy lass,
The speed that she could cover grass,
School sports days she was never passed,
Over hundred metres
One day she spied a nice pork pie,
Through the corner of her eye,
And truly could no more deny,
She fancied a bit of that
Fast forward on a decade more,
Mildred’s sitting on the floor,
Within her flat that she abhors,
Too heavy now to race
At first she never noticed signs,
The pies had slowed her record times,
Oft’ passed and lagging long behind,
With pork pie-induced stitches
The Commonwealth, Olympic games,
A distant dream with her to blame,
The bakery fed this hall of shame,
A sedentary life for Mildred
Mildred’s is a cautionary story,
If you yearn for running glory,
Avoid pies and you’ll be hunky-dory,
And probably sausage rolls
Poetry corner. A bit like one of those yoghurt fruit corner things but with poetry instead of yoghurt. And the fruit corner bit.
Posted: 02/05/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: Breathtaking poetry, do you like poems or do you prefer scaletrix?, poetry to make you think 'gosh that's good poetry' Leave a commentMinted Sauce
By Sophie Jumpersforgoalposts
Good morning little lamb have you sent that email yet?
And what about that spreadsheet? You haven’t even started it I bet…
What about that report for the chairman of the board? Come on, get it done!
And once you’ve done that I have some errands for you to run
We’ve got a meeting in an hour, have you prepared the lengthy agenda?
What’s the matter with you today, you lazy little blighter…
Come ON little lamb your appraisal is later today,
We have some feedback for you little lamb, about training and your pay
You need to show your finance skills and that you can work out the VAT
This is low hanging fruit for you lamb! Surely you realise that?
Oh!
But his hooves, his hooves, his tiny cloven hooves,
Are supposed to be used for trotting on grass
Not renewing his monthly security pass
His hooves, his hooves, his tiny cloven hooves, so often they do fail
He can’t even open Outlook, let alone send any mail
His hooves, his hooves, his tiny cloven hooves
They can’t input data or create a PDF,
Come ON little lamb get it done, my god are you deaf?
Little lamb, little lamb, I want to see you in my office
We thought you were a senior pro, when clearly you’re a novice
Oh little lamb, little lamb to them you are just an ovine resource
Now shut up and get in the oven while we prepare the minted sauce…
Poetry corner
Posted: 14/04/2014 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: Patrick Duffy, poetry, rags, snake Leave a commentNo chance for David – By Dominic Falafel
Rags plainly borrowed not bought,
Or pressed,
His gusset was so clearly fraught,
Ill dressed
Shirt flailing against waist,
So tatty,
His sense of unpleasant taste,
Ratty
Tie like a broken snake,
Flaccid,
Over shoulder in his wake,
And vapid
Brogues cracked through soles are felt,
Tardy,
His gut restrained by tired belt,
Lardy
David thought this interview,
A shoo-in,
His threads have likely cast askew,
Bobby Ewing