The History of Biffordshire – with Bryan Sewage

Nestling like a duckling amongst the hills of the Nylwolds, the historic and picturesque county of Biffordshire casts a contented and ambivalent attitude towards the modern rat-race. But the shire was forged in modernism and many are unaware of those that have fought and gouged for the land and its delights in times long past.

biff

Biffordshire born and bred

In short, Biffordshire was built on blood, grit and cake.

Indeed, so infamous is Biffordshire’s history of violence and struggle, it is a little known fact that the onomatopoeia ‘Biff’, oft used in 60’s comic book TV adaptations, originates from our furious past.

The area was originally claimed by a Land Baron named Framley Speckle-Sheet, who conquered the land from its native people – the Axfrough Pigmy tribe. The battle raged for over an hour and a half with both sides equal in terms of numbers, but each using very different tactics.

geese

Inspirational formation.

Baron Speckle-Sheet utilised a V formation for his troops after noting the success of migrating geese and their aggressiveness when cornered. Indeed, Speckle-Sheet encouraged his fighters to honk vigorously at their opponents to intimidate and confound.

The tribe leader, Esk-va-hught, (which roughly translates as ‘Basket of Case’ in our modern tongue) having studied colonies of mice, ordered his people to independently run around in random circles looking for scraps of food and soft material with which to build nests.

As you can imagine, with such even hands, very few survived the clash with both sides reporting losses in excess of 85 per cent. These numbers were disputed when, in 1975, a colony of 13th generation Axfrough were found living in a hollow tree around the original site of the battle – their ancestors having successfully nested there during the slaughter.

pawn

Deadly

Speckle-Sheet ultimately prevailed after he personally killed Esk-va-hught by forcing a Chess pawn up his nose, embedding it in the tribe leader’s frontal cortex. No easy feat in the heat of the battle.

The remaining Axfrough were hounded across the border into what we now call Glockenshire where they remained until being wiped out in the great scissor famine of 1686.

Biffordshire, or Sheetik-Ily-Shankle as it was then known, enjoyed a period of relative calm for the next 150 years being presided over by the Speckle-Sheet lineage. But the coming of the Industrial Revolution and the building of the earwig factories was about to change the landscape for ever….

Next time on The History of Biffordshire… Bryan explores the land wrangles of the capitalists that help shape the counties wealth and also gives an insight to why the local architecture so closely follows that of Lithuania.

Bryan will be hosting a local history and narcotics presentation at next month’s Shire Horse Show and Shine at Hexblightly Show Ground in the tent directly behind the Dubstep arena. Please remember to bring your own specimen bottles as stock may be limited on the day.

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