Double entendre gardening with Ivor Longun

Ooo err missus it’s double-entendre gardening with Ivor Longun!

A root vegetable…..

Yes folks, you asked for it and now you’re going to get it. Ivor Longun here back to regale you with some more seasonal and green-fingered tips to help you keep your garden looking lovely and bushy.

Those lovely people at Monkeybroth Towers got on the blower to me last week begging me to reprise my much missed weekly column – Double Entendre Gardening with Ivor Longun. As you can imagine, I am a busy man so had to think long and hard about it. I’ve got a lot of other commitments on these days, but my missus, Eva Longoria off of Desperate Housewives, has been so supportive. She said to me; Ivor – you’ll regret it if you don’t go back. You’ve had your knockers in the past she reminded me, but I don’t want you tossing and turning at night worrying about it. She told me to give them a bell, end of story!

So you see I had to go back to doing the column readers, otherwise she would have given me a right mouthful.

Anyway, here we go for some lovely autumnal tasks to help keep your garden plants thriving as the weather gets a bit nippy. There’s nothing worse than a clogged up dry ditch crying for out for a splash of moisture so the first thing you have to do is to get out the watering can and give all your autumnal borders a good vigorous spraying of liquid.

You might want to think about adding some plant food to the can to give your plants a nice boost. Tomato Growth Serum is a good one – but it can take some effort to get the lid off! Once you’ve managed to strain some of the cloudy liquid out of the small hole in the end, you are good to go.

Empty it carefully into the watering can being careful not to spill your mess all over the patio. Then go around the garden and give all the big bloomers a proper squirting.

If you find that your plants are just lapping it all up greedily then you might need to get your hose out and start waving it around the garden. Getting everything really wet and dripping is where you want to be. Once done, wipe your hose on a bit of cloth and recoil it back to its starting position.

That’s a good start – now you’ll need to think about putting in some lovely autumnal flowering young shoots. Ideally you want to scatter your seed around wherever takes your fancy but it’s important that the seed bed is well prepared. To enlarge the hole for your seed to go into, first insert a couple of fingers and wiggle them around a bit. This should open up the cavity giving you enough room to pop your dibber in. You may find this takes several goes. Don’t be afraid to plunge it in and out for a couple of minutes – once you are ready it will be time to release the seeds.

Don’t worry if your missus is moaning and groaning at this stage. It’s an important job and the shopping trip will just have to wait!

It’s always important to clear away after working up a sweat with your tool. I’ve got a little garden chest which is very convenient. I just lift up the flaps and release all my clutter into it. Mind you I forgot the keys last week and was forced to smash the back doors in so I could get all my junk out the back of it.

That makes a lovely start to the autumnal season I am sure you will agree. If you do find you have a bit more time, then tool maintenance ready for the busy spring ahead is always a good use of time. Last week I smashed up a hoe so took some time to repair it. Gripping the shaft I had to twist the top until it came off in my hands.

Luckily, it was my number two – not my favourite number one hoe. It wasn’t as if I had to strain myself to clip off the end of the number two……..

Great, we are so pleased Ivor’s back. Next week double-entendre yachting with erm, oooo, erm, ooo not sure actually. Seaman stains is a bit obvious isn’t it?

MonkeyBroth Service announcements

MonkeyBroth is determined to give you, dear, dear reader, the most up-to-date announcements that are possible within the rules of time and space.

In fact, so keen are we that you are incredibly well-informed, we tried building a time machine so that we could acquire the announcements before they were conceived. Unfortunately, we quickly realised that building a time machine was a bit more difficult than we thought. Silly really, if it was that easy, someone would have done it already I suppose. Anyway, we’ve decided that we’ll stick to Meryl in the canteen who researches using Innovations magazine. Good enough really…


Me-cankers – New from MonkeyBroth kids! Conkers for the 21st century – it’s mechanical in some way! Me-cankers is the fun electronic game for all the family. Just string your ‘canker’ onto some electrical wire for hours of ball-bashing hilarity! The object of the game is simple; the first player to have their ball smashed by their opponent loses and has to live out their days knowing that they are inferior to the other player in at least one respect. Me-cankers – the new name in kids entertainment (Disclaimer: Some children may ultimately find this quite dull).

Stop this sort of thing! Apply today!

MonkeyBroth is recruiting! We need someone to come around and blow all of the dust and old food matter from our hard-worked keyboards. If you have the hunger to learn and to get on in life, you could be the person that we’re looking for! The successful candidate will have a City & Guilds Hygiene Level 1 certificate, a diploma in Mechanical engineering and a can of surprisingly expensive compressed air. A Degree in Biological Chemistry is preferred but not essential. Send your CV and something nice (Muffins always go down well) to; MonkeyBroth Towers, Pigeon Street, Cum-Wisely, Biffordshire, CW8 78X. Applications Close 11 November 2012 (or sooner if we manage to extract that piece of melted cheddar that’s jamming my space bar).

The ultimate in fridge cleanliness.

Have you ever noticed that your fridge gets all crusty where you put the milk in it? If so, Milky Milky Go Away can help. Just ring our free-phone number, and a qualified Milky Milky Go Away crust removal engineer will be with you within weeks. That’s right, no more wondering just what unpleasant life forms are building their own evil civilisation within the detritus of your fridge-skank. Milky Milky Go Away has been a member of the Lactose Scud Removal Society since 1912. Call now for a quote or even just a chat – we’re quite quiet at the moment. 0898 MILKYAWAY