Oh! For the love of beards! – By Drunkle Spiderbite
Have you ever seen a man,
Look better minus beard,
A bearded man he has a plan,
A smooth-faced man be feared
Designer stubble just won’t cut,
Trimmed goatee is just fraud,
With great big beards the case is shut,
With mono-brow for awe
See that fluff upon your lip,
It could make you a martyr,
But when you shave here is a tip,
You look a deal less smarter
So leave it be whilst walking tall,
Forget about the itching,
For when the writing’s on the wall
A beard won’t stand for bitching
Hi folksh, yesh itsh David Vienetta, top Anglo Dutch DJ and all around the place good guy. With my blonde good looksh and muschcular frame I’m a hit on the danchefloor as well and not unincluding the ladiesh in that deshcription. You bet your asses on that one. Oh yesh.
Itsh great that Discho Pig hash given me the opportunity to big up my next DJ set. Uh huh oh yeah for shure I am looking forward very much to rocking it out at the Clunge Village Hall nextsh Tuesday afternoon. Apparently I am booked in to play for the Clunge’s Women Inshitute and for that I am totally shtoked! Itsh going to be a rocking afternoon oh yeah for shure. Anywaysh, Discho Pig saysh to me, David Vienetta, you gotta give my loyal readersh a taste of your shet for the gig! You may not know but I met Discho at a Rotterdam rave way back in the late 90sshhhh. He wash just a young piglet shtarting out in the buishness, but onsh he got his trottersh on the decksh I knew he wash a natural. Oh yeah for shure.
Anyway without further adosh, here ish my shet for Clunge. Itsh gonna ba a paaaaaarrrttttaaaaayyyyyy
Drool & The Gang – Just had an injection at the dentist
Indeep – Last Night A Dj waved at my wife
Bobby Brown Stain – Can you pass me the Vosene Gladys
Luther Dandruff – Never Too Much, unless I have enough already
Rufus And Chaka Can – Ain’t nobody, just a head in a glass jar
Camel-o – Lemon curd up!
De-houseboat – Rhythm Of The Kite (it flaps around in high winds)
Black Fox – Hide On Time (I’ll close my eyes and count to ten)
Rockwell – Somebody’s Washing Me but I’m allergic to soap
Salt-N-Vinegar – Push It (starter motor is knackered)
Rainmack & Rainmack – Raindrops look like my tears after I stubbed my toe
Shalacar – A Ford Cortina to remember
The Whispers – What? You’ll have to speak up love, I’m a trifle deaf
S.A.S. Band – Gonna storm the embassy
Robert Kilometres – Children (don’t know they’re born these days)
Simon Thrombosis, MonkeyBroth’s guru of both ‘life’ and ‘style’ and part-time chiropodist, is back to solve those daily lifestyle concerns. You know the style of them – the life ones? Yes those.
Donny Callforward of Spongy Marsh writes – Dear Si, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom recently. I don’t think my wife is attracted to me since I lost my job at the fishmongers. I’m worried that she no longer respects me now that I’m out of work. What can I do to improve things as I feel so impotent?
SI writes – Speaking as a hot bloodied man, I pity you Donny. Best thing? Go out down the scummiest local boozer you can find and have a fling with some skanky piece of tail. Make sure you are clearly seen or, if possible, get caught in the act by your wife.
Make her feel as small as you feel Donny. Yesssss….that’s the way.
Either that or get another job or something.
Matthew Handcream of Lower Spatch writes – Si, I hope you can help as I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m worried that my son has never had a girlfriend and doesn’t hang out with the other local lads. He doesn’t like football, rugby or beer and spends most of his time watching old videos of Strictly Come Dancing or Friends whilst sipping cocktails and wearing a purple silk gown. He’s 20 years old and I just can’t talk to him any more.
Si writes: Clearly Matthew, your son is just confused about female lady parts and just needs a good poke in the right direction. Buy him a call-girl as a fatherly gift and get him sowing his manly oats.
Failing that, it could be that he just prefers men’s bottoms to ladies.
Barty Alkaline of Steffi on the Graf writes – I really need some advice Si. I’m stuck on the last Gollum Master boss in Call of Wizards – The Meeting 2. I’ve levelled my Wizard, Xylion the Brash, up to 2000XP and have the wind waffle power-up equipped, but he keeps breaking my defence with his Mighty Spank Batton of Kaxel. Would the Cantilever Uttering of Zook be a better magic attack or do I need to tackle his minions of Flark before turning my attention to his weak-spot?
Si writes – Barty, I have no idea what you’re on about. Go and get yourself laid.
Is it over? Good! Right… off to the damage limitation meeting we go.
by Hewlett Packard
Gosh Bertie McNulty is such a wheeze,
He’s great with the ladies and at climbing trees,
He always wears lovely trousers and a nice shirt,
His hair is quite brown and his buttocks are pert,
He’s great on the dancefloor and is quite the wild rover,
He can drink lots of lager without falling over,
He’s super at football and cricket I’ve heard too,
Last week he smashed an unbeaten 102,
He can grow a moustache in an afternoon,
Holidays in the south of France for the whole of June,
Oh Bertie McNulty those ladies don’t stand a chance,
You melt their hearts with just one glance,
Oh he’s really good at board games as well like Kerplunk,
In Australia they would say ‘crikey, what a spunk’
He’s happy to lend me whatever I want,
He’s better at maths than Norman Lamont,
He’s terribly nice to his mum I’ve been told,
Never says she’s wrinkly or is looking too old,
He’s so good with the ladies with all his chatter,
Think it’s his muscles and flirty patter,
Oh Bertie those ladies, their hearts will never mend,
You really are the bestest ever imaginary friend.
Tomahawk missile – Still boxed with instructions, enamel paints and decals. Buyer will need a trailer to take away. Unwanted present as I’m more into Claymore mines. Call Damian Frunk – Upper Clunge 020 5415
Like Moths? – OMG!!!! Me too!!!!!!!!!! I just love moths!!!!! I mean I really just adore moths! I think the way they crash repeatedly into light bulbs is soooooo cute! Give me a call if you want to talk about moths coz they rock my world!!!! CHRIST!!!!! MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fax Betty Deathshead on Coitus-twixt-the-Sea 285715
Vast Knitted Fawns – Due to an amazing coincidence involving bottle tops, I have over 200 vast knitted fawns for sale at knock-down prices. These vast knitted fawns range in vastness from a conservative 150 square feet to over 300 miles in width. Must go as I need the space for a consignment of biblically-huge crocheted Tapirs. Email Barry.Fountain@glosscoat.not
Wanted – Classified ad – I want to sell my collection of mouldy Harvey Keitel figurines but I need some advertising space. If you know of somewhere I can advertise my rotten dolls or can supply some space, I’d love to hear from you! Please call Ptolemy Drunge on P.Drunge@felch.can
One, Two, Buckle my shoe – Three, four come buy my door! £67.50 or near offer. Can you just print that? Yeah, I like it… it’s snappy. No, don’t put the bit about dry rot in. I don’t want to put people off. So that will be up for 7 days yeah? Ok, no that’s great. Thanks for the help… click….buzzzzzz…. Darcy Handcream on Swang 478 478
Framley wants a goose – By Hilary Insertcoin
Framley such a nice young boy,
Received a multitude of toys,
Upon his birthday – why so sad?
What troubles this upstanding lad?
When asked just what the problem was,
He told them that it was because,
A waterfowl was more required,
A feathered friend was most desired
“I told you mum
And you too dad,
I just love geese,
It’s not a fad!”
“The other gifts are nice and all,
I love the prostitute and ball,
But I implore I am so fond,
The thought of geese upon our pond”
His loving parents racked with guilt,
Had also purchased him a quilt,
But what was used to stuff this gift?
Their answer back was not too swift
By Godfrey Whipplesticks
I’m so in love with Marjorie Whim,
She looks so proper, upstanding and prim.
But underneath that restrained exterior,
I reckon she’d enjoy a whack on her posterior,
Perhaps with a rolled up copy of The Sun
Or something heavier like the Times, what fun!
But despite my yearnings for the fragrant Marge
My fears that she’ll eschew me just loom large.
I stare at her wistfully across the office canteen,
As she stoops to pick up a floored runner bean
Most of us surely would grunt and grumble,
Having to bend so low and fumble,
Along the floor to find that errant vegetable,
But graceful Marjorie is just so able.
It’s more of a swoop than anything I guess,
It’s amazing to watch I must confess,
A shapely bend of the knee towards the floor
My heart is racing, oh my god, phwoooar!
Oh crikey but now Marjorie has spotted me,
Now I am in trouble I had better be,
On my best behaviour, not be so keen
But oh look whoops I’ve dropped another bean
Just to see Marjorie bend again in the canteen
I can’t help myself but I really must be cagier
Cos now I’m in trouble with my line manager
Schlump, schlump, schlump, weep, weep, WEEEP! Big greetings to ya ma’ tribe of trotterlytes! It’s ‘da’ pig comin’ atcha like a tube o’ Smarties.
Last week, Disco Pig been helping out his blud, Plumbing Pig, puttin’ in some on-suites in a swanky development in da’ ‘burbs. It was haaaard work and I been sufferin’ with grout-snout ever since. Na’ cool at all.
Anyway, we got tru it listening to some choice tunz on the ghetto blaster. Check out deez beday bangers!
Norris Cheeseweight and the Horn Bags – Blue Water is a place on Earth
Wrong Direction – Wrong. Just plain wrong
The White Gloves – Cue-balls in ma pockets (chalk in my heart)
Jazz Chicken (ft. Andy Coleslaw) – Honestly Gertrude, none of us are safe
Brighton Grammar – The song what we did write
Attic Spades – What’s your shed at?
The Young and Hip-Trendy – Amazeballs! Now get out
La Rochelle – Où est la plage?
Desmond Double Decker – Eating makes my jaw sore
The Osrams – Ele-mental horses (Waaah!…Waaah!)
Sizzle Chicks – Lost shuttlecocks tell no lies
Dustin Lumberjack – International Monetary Funk
MonkeyBroth’s male lifestyle guru and part time midwife, Simon Thrombosis, helps you achieve….uh….stuff with your life. Probably the impossible.
Martin Xylophone from Lower Stain writes – “Dear Si, I feel inadequate when mixing with my peers. How can I feel more Alpha-male in their company?”
Si – Martin my little friend, it is very simple. Make sure you have the biggest income, the fastest car and the shiniest wife. A huge schlong can certainly help, but unless you are going to invest in a pair of glass-fronted slacks or Lycra shorts, the money, car and a brassy wife are certainly easier ways to win bragging rights to the title of group silverback.
Other factors to help you mug off your mates;
- Being hirsute
- Being well dressed
- The maximum diving depth of your watch
- Having an unusual way of opening beer bottles
- Being a braying idiot
These are my tips Martin. Use them well.
Shamus Hotpocket from Dampcrotch writes – “Hi Si, I’m tired of helping to build up the business for my employers. They are mean and sometimes laugh at me in the canteen. What advice can you give me to move on in life?”
Si – I’ll tell you what Shamus, first you need to exercise some serious pay-back to the ones laughing at you.
Set fire to them Shamus. Make sure they know it was you. Tell them to suck it up and that if you hear any more, their family and friends will be next. Your following move is not to build up your own business. Take theirs by extreme force if necessary. TAKE IT! Suckers will wish they hadn’t set eyes on you.
They’ll never laugh at you again Shamus. Never.
Frank Hexagons from Girth writes – ‘”Si, please help. Just recently, I’ve been thinking about returning to education but I find learning terrifying. I dropped out of school quite young but since the birth of my first son, I feel he’s owed a dad who he can be proud of. How can I get over my fear of learning?”
Si – I’ll be Frank with you Frank. You owe your Son nothing.
What right has he got coming into this world unexpectedly and demanding things of you eh Frank? Teach the snivelling little tyke that he’ll get what he’s given in life. Teach him that he’ll have his thicko dad and like it!
Nowadays, kids think they are all entitled to a new-age caring, sharing earth-father that will do their flipping homework for them, pay for their endless requirement for new shoes and provide them with life lessons.
One life lesson you need to give him Frank, GROW UP!
Is this stuff even legal? …well…. more life-changing advice from Simon soon chaps, unless he takes over the office by force.
Looking for love? Find your perfect partner wherever they may be across Biffordshire with Monkeybroth personal ads. To place an ad call Marjorie Whim at Monkeybroth Towers. 10p a letter. Which is excellent value for the penny-pinching love-mongers out there. When calling please have a copy of Evelyn Waugh’s Decline and Fall in your back pocket and send 23 mint humbugs to Marjorie at the usual address.
ELDERLY GENT, 78, scared of ponies and larvae seeks vivacious redhead model for arty photography and maybe more. An interest in spoon bending and Johnny Mathis’s early work an advantage. Box 5678790
PARTIALLY ATTRACTIVE Female, 48, raspberry blonde seeks young-looking male for catching bluebottles by the light of the silvery moon and romantic trips out to sea in a pea-green boat. Must have own owl. Box 343553433
INSENSTIVE moustachioed man seeks cougar with GSOS and ADH for night-time larks aplenty. WLTM you soon …you must be out there. I’m longing to bake potatoes for you. Box 4343554334
MAN with three thumbs seeks plug socket style lady for some electrifying fun. Partner must have three similar receptive holes with an on-switch for a nose. Let’s connect! Box car willy
BUBBLY LADY with soft lemon scented skin WLTM man with corduroy helmet and leather pouch for late night Polish translation sensations. If you’ve got the croutons I can make the love soup. Box 545454
HANDSOME Biffordshire Man enjoys going to the pub, coming back from the pub and being at the pub, seeks sober mistress type to tut at him in the mornings and open the door for him late at night with a facepack on. Must have own rolling pin and the ability to slap it into the palm of your hand. Call Wibble 543423233
POLICEMAN, 32, seeks Caucasian male approximately 6ft 2ins, around 30 years old with Englebert Humperdinck tattoos on both arms for questioning over an armed robbery at Flump Building Society last month. Speaks in a high-pitched Disney voice. Call 01999 999999 in complete confidence.
AFFLUENT MALE, 42 with iron deficiency WLTM meat. Box 54334445
INFLATABLE Woman seeks sensitive caring male for long-term friendship maybe more. Has been let-down in the past, hence saggy, wrinkly appearance. Box 9898989898
PUZZLE shaped man, looking for the missing piece in his life. I could be sky, I could be sea, but I’m not a corner. Can you fit me into your life? Box 66556565655
ELEGANT LADY, 68 seeks ex-military man in a waistcoat to propose to her immediately before throwing himself in front of a bus when I tell him I don’t want to marry him and that I am a man. You must be out there! Box 3433333232
SUCCESFUL BUSINESSMAN would like to meet woman dressed as a scatter-cushion. Bored of your run-of-the-mill ladies dressed as pillows, so if you want some haberdashery style fun in your life get in touch. Box 4433243545
LIKE MINDED MAN seeks like minded lady to stay in and watch repeats of the original Minder with Denis Waterman and eat peanuts. Denis will be there 7.30 for 8pm. Box 4
BUBBLY LADY seeks Simon Bates look-alike to help her beat up Noel Edmonds, kids, marriage and maybe more. Box 54545454533
STUNNING SIMON BATES lookalike seeks lady with shared irrational hatred of Noel Edmonds. Box 44554332234