Oh! For the love of beards! – By Drunkle Spiderbite
Have you ever seen a man,
Look better minus beard,
A bearded man he has a plan,
A smooth-faced man be feared
Designer stubble just won’t cut,
Trimmed goatee is just fraud,
With great big beards the case is shut,
With mono-brow for awe
See that fluff upon your lip,
It could make you a martyr,
But when you shave here is a tip,
You look a deal less smarter
So leave it be whilst walking tall,
Forget about the itching,
For when the writing’s on the wall
A beard won’t stand for bitching
Hi folksh, yesh itsh David Vienetta, top Anglo Dutch DJ and all around the place good guy. With my blonde good looksh and muschcular frame I’m a hit on the danchefloor as well and not unincluding the ladiesh in that deshcription. You bet your asses on that one. Oh yesh.
Itsh great that Discho Pig hash given me the opportunity to big up my next DJ set. Uh huh oh yeah for shure I am looking forward very much to rocking it out at the Clunge Village Hall nextsh Tuesday afternoon. Apparently I am booked in to play for the Clunge’s Women Inshitute and for that I am totally shtoked! Itsh going to be a rocking afternoon oh yeah for shure. Anywaysh, Discho Pig saysh to me, David Vienetta, you gotta give my loyal readersh a taste of your shet for the gig! You may not know but I met Discho at a Rotterdam rave way back in the late 90sshhhh. He wash just a young piglet shtarting out in the buishness, but onsh he got his trottersh on the decksh I knew he wash a natural. Oh yeah for shure.
Anyway without further adosh, here ish my shet for Clunge. Itsh gonna ba a paaaaaarrrttttaaaaayyyyyy
Drool & The Gang – Just had an injection at the dentist
Indeep – Last Night A Dj waved at my wife
Bobby Brown Stain – Can you pass me the Vosene Gladys
Luther Dandruff – Never Too Much, unless I have enough already
Rufus And Chaka Can – Ain’t nobody, just a head in a glass jar
Camel-o – Lemon curd up!
De-houseboat – Rhythm Of The Kite (it flaps around in high winds)
Black Fox – Hide On Time (I’ll close my eyes and count to ten)
Rockwell – Somebody’s Washing Me but I’m allergic to soap
Salt-N-Vinegar – Push It (starter motor is knackered)
Rainmack & Rainmack – Raindrops look like my tears after I stubbed my toe
Shalacar – A Ford Cortina to remember
The Whispers – What? You’ll have to speak up love, I’m a trifle deaf
S.A.S. Band – Gonna storm the embassy
Robert Kilometres – Children (don’t know they’re born these days)
Simon Thrombosis, MonkeyBroth’s guru of both ‘life’ and ‘style’ and part-time chiropodist, is back to solve those daily lifestyle concerns. You know the style of them – the life ones? Yes those.
Donny Callforward of Spongy Marsh writes – Dear Si, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom recently. I don’t think my wife is attracted to me since I lost my job at the fishmongers. I’m worried that she no longer respects me now that I’m out of work. What can I do to improve things as I feel so impotent?
SI writes – Speaking as a hot bloodied man, I pity you Donny. Best thing? Go out down the scummiest local boozer you can find and have a fling with some skanky piece of tail. Make sure you are clearly seen or, if possible, get caught in the act by your wife.
Make her feel as small as you feel Donny. Yesssss….that’s the way.
Either that or get another job or something.
Matthew Handcream of Lower Spatch writes – Si, I hope you can help as I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m worried that my son has never had a girlfriend and doesn’t hang out with the other local lads. He doesn’t like football, rugby or beer and spends most of his time watching old videos of Strictly Come Dancing or Friends whilst sipping cocktails and wearing a purple silk gown. He’s 20 years old and I just can’t talk to him any more.
Si writes: Clearly Matthew, your son is just confused about female lady parts and just needs a good poke in the right direction. Buy him a call-girl as a fatherly gift and get him sowing his manly oats.
Failing that, it could be that he just prefers men’s bottoms to ladies.
Barty Alkaline of Steffi on the Graf writes – I really need some advice Si. I’m stuck on the last Gollum Master boss in Call of Wizards – The Meeting 2. I’ve levelled my Wizard, Xylion the Brash, up to 2000XP and have the wind waffle power-up equipped, but he keeps breaking my defence with his Mighty Spank Batton of Kaxel. Would the Cantilever Uttering of Zook be a better magic attack or do I need to tackle his minions of Flark before turning my attention to his weak-spot?
Si writes – Barty, I have no idea what you’re on about. Go and get yourself laid.
Is it over? Good! Right… off to the damage limitation meeting we go.
by Hewlett Packard
Gosh Bertie McNulty is such a wheeze,
He’s great with the ladies and at climbing trees,
He always wears lovely trousers and a nice shirt,
His hair is quite brown and his buttocks are pert,
He’s great on the dancefloor and is quite the wild rover,
He can drink lots of lager without falling over,
He’s super at football and cricket I’ve heard too,
Last week he smashed an unbeaten 102,
He can grow a moustache in an afternoon,
Holidays in the south of France for the whole of June,
Oh Bertie McNulty those ladies don’t stand a chance,
You melt their hearts with just one glance,
Oh he’s really good at board games as well like Kerplunk,
In Australia they would say ‘crikey, what a spunk’
He’s happy to lend me whatever I want,
He’s better at maths than Norman Lamont,
He’s terribly nice to his mum I’ve been told,
Never says she’s wrinkly or is looking too old,
He’s so good with the ladies with all his chatter,
Think it’s his muscles and flirty patter,
Oh Bertie those ladies, their hearts will never mend,
You really are the bestest ever imaginary friend.
Tomahawk missile – Still boxed with instructions, enamel paints and decals. Buyer will need a trailer to take away. Unwanted present as I’m more into Claymore mines. Call Damian Frunk – Upper Clunge 020 5415
Like Moths? – OMG!!!! Me too!!!!!!!!!! I just love moths!!!!! I mean I really just adore moths! I think the way they crash repeatedly into light bulbs is soooooo cute! Give me a call if you want to talk about moths coz they rock my world!!!! CHRIST!!!!! MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fax Betty Deathshead on Coitus-twixt-the-Sea 285715
Vast Knitted Fawns – Due to an amazing coincidence involving bottle tops, I have over 200 vast knitted fawns for sale at knock-down prices. These vast knitted fawns range in vastness from a conservative 150 square feet to over 300 miles in width. Must go as I need the space for a consignment of biblically-huge crocheted Tapirs. Email Barry.Fountain@glosscoat.not
Wanted – Classified ad – I want to sell my collection of mouldy Harvey Keitel figurines but I need some advertising space. If you know of somewhere I can advertise my rotten dolls or can supply some space, I’d love to hear from you! Please call Ptolemy Drunge on P.Drunge@felch.can
One, Two, Buckle my shoe – Three, four come buy my door! £67.50 or near offer. Can you just print that? Yeah, I like it… it’s snappy. No, don’t put the bit about dry rot in. I don’t want to put people off. So that will be up for 7 days yeah? Ok, no that’s great. Thanks for the help… click….buzzzzzz…. Darcy Handcream on Swang 478 478
Framley wants a goose – By Hilary Insertcoin
Framley such a nice young boy,
Received a multitude of toys,
Upon his birthday – why so sad?
What troubles this upstanding lad?
When asked just what the problem was,
He told them that it was because,
A waterfowl was more required,
A feathered friend was most desired
“I told you mum
And you too dad,
I just love geese,
It’s not a fad!”
“The other gifts are nice and all,
I love the prostitute and ball,
But I implore I am so fond,
The thought of geese upon our pond”
His loving parents racked with guilt,
Had also purchased him a quilt,
But what was used to stuff this gift?
Their answer back was not too swift
By Godfrey Whipplesticks
I’m so in love with Marjorie Whim,
She looks so proper, upstanding and prim.
But underneath that restrained exterior,
I reckon she’d enjoy a whack on her posterior,
Perhaps with a rolled up copy of The Sun
Or something heavier like the Times, what fun!
But despite my yearnings for the fragrant Marge
My fears that she’ll eschew me just loom large.
I stare at her wistfully across the office canteen,
As she stoops to pick up a floored runner bean
Most of us surely would grunt and grumble,
Having to bend so low and fumble,
Along the floor to find that errant vegetable,
But graceful Marjorie is just so able.
It’s more of a swoop than anything I guess,
It’s amazing to watch I must confess,
A shapely bend of the knee towards the floor
My heart is racing, oh my god, phwoooar!
Oh crikey but now Marjorie has spotted me,
Now I am in trouble I had better be,
On my best behaviour, not be so keen
But oh look whoops I’ve dropped another bean
Just to see Marjorie bend again in the canteen
I can’t help myself but I really must be cagier
Cos now I’m in trouble with my line manager