Life of Si

Cocktails. Simon says -Not always a warning. Sometimes just a cry for help.

Simon Thrombosis, MonkeyBroth’s guru of both ‘life’ and ‘style’ and part-time chiropodist, is back to solve those daily lifestyle concerns. You know the style of them – the life ones? Yes those.

Donny Callforward of Spongy Marsh writes – Dear Si, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom recently. I don’t think my wife is attracted to me since I lost my job at the fishmongers. I’m worried that she no longer respects me now that I’m out of work. What can I do to improve things as I feel so impotent?

SI writes – Speaking as a hot bloodied man, I pity you Donny. Best thing? Go out down the scummiest local boozer you can find and have a fling with some skanky piece of tail. Make sure you are clearly seen or, if possible, get caught in the act by your wife.

Make her feel as small as you feel Donny. Yesssss….that’s the way.

Either that or get another job or something.

Matthew Handcream of Lower Spatch writes – Si, I hope you can help as I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m worried that my son has never had a girlfriend and doesn’t hang out with the other local lads. He doesn’t like football, rugby or beer and spends most of his time watching old videos of Strictly Come Dancing or Friends whilst sipping cocktails and wearing a purple silk gown. He’s 20 years old and I just can’t talk to him any more.

Si writes: Clearly Matthew, your son is just confused about female lady parts and just needs a good poke in the right direction. Buy him a call-girl as a fatherly gift and get him sowing his manly oats.

Failing that, it could be that he just prefers men’s bottoms to ladies.

Barty Alkaline of Steffi on the Graf writes – I really need some advice Si. I’m stuck on the last Gollum Master boss in Call of Wizards – The Meeting 2. I’ve levelled my Wizard, Xylion the Brash, up to 2000XP and have the wind waffle power-up equipped, but he keeps breaking my defence with his Mighty Spank Batton of Kaxel. Would the Cantilever Uttering of Zook be a better magic attack or do I need to tackle his minions of Flark before turning my attention to his weak-spot?

Si writes – Barty, I have no idea what you’re on about. Go and get yourself laid.

Is it over? Good! Right… off to the damage limitation meeting we go.