Poetry corner

The Golden Rush

by Bertram Tool


Ah, the involuntary fart at the urinal

It gives no warning of its arrival

Old Charlie is released into the open air

All fresh, free, naked and bare

All geed up for that first push

And that lovely relieving golden rush

Wandering minds turn to sport

Or that worrying day in court

As the spray foams around the pan

It’s a lovely time for any man

But then suddenly you become a little hot

What’s that tension around the bot?

A quick look around; is anyone there?

Can I really do a fart in here?

There really is nothing to be done

To stop this train, it’s no fun

Panic stricken clenching is the last resort

Keep telling yourself you’ve got to stay taught!

But Mother Nature she knows better

Just pray to your god that it won’t be wetter

Than the one you did when being examined by that nurse

That was bad, this could be worse!

For the love of Christ what is this curse?

It’s a battle in your pants the scale of Waterloo

Here it comes; choo, chip, chip, choooooo…

The smoke is clearing, the battle is done

Did you lose or was the fight won?

Another look around; the cubicles are free,

Until the next time you pop for a pee….

Bizarrely arranged garden centre display of the week…

Care bear

A bear affectionately strokes an iguana while an otter looks balefully on…

Monkeybroth Classifieds

HALF A RAT for sale. Back end. Unwanted gift so priced to sell. Would suit owner of front end of rat, looking for the back end of a rat to make one rat. Alternatively it might be useful for someone who had another back end of a rat who wants a pair of back ends of rats. Call A. Taxi on Grunton 345556433.

AIR for sale. For some reason I seem to have loads of spare air just floating about the house. Got more than enough for personal use; hence this reluctant sale. First to see will buy, but good luck with that as it’s air I’m selling. And it’s very difficult to see. Call Alex Ferguson on Badguff-on-Mold 435666433.

CORDUROY iron – need to add corduroy to your everyday items? I am the managing director of a large multinational corduroy iron company but am taking out a small classified ad to make this offer appear more genuine. We all need more corduroy in our lives and a corduroy iron can go ahead and add that corduroy. Just iron over the item you need corduroy on and within a few minutes the item you wanted corduroy on will have corduroy on. Corduroy Iron – it will have you in creases! Call Bob Satan-Marigold on Clots 45343232112211

OTTER DUNGAREES – Due to a heavy electrical storm I have up to eleven pairs of stylish denim otter dungarees. All clip fastening, these lovely items are presented in their original cardboard box complete with collectible ‘Lidl meat’ printed on the side. Due to a heavy cold these dungarees are not yet waterproof, but don’t let that put you off making a purchase for the otter (or eleven) in your life. Call Garry Baldi on Fortescue Major 4311998009

HOLIDAYS WITH PETS – Looking for the perfect getaway this summer? Since being committed last year but subsequently released with an electronic tag I know I am! How frustrating is it though to book a lovely hol only to hear that pets are not allowed? Very I should say. Well, now that disappointment no longer needs to be a thing of the past. I’ve got the keys to two lovely Biffordshire cottages just a few metres from the Keeley Kidney Stones, Biffordshire’s most ancient monument. Please note that the cottages are not suitable for pets. Call Whump on 8877665 and ask for Barry Ungulate.

THE STEAM OFF MY WEE – I’ve noticed a lot of steam comes off of my wee these days. Especially on cold days. An ideal bottled gift for the model train enthusiast or pervert. Call Arthur Stretch on Vagisil 6546443

Monkeybroth classifieds

Various items for sale

I’ve been having a clear out and have the following up for grabs – 8 mint imperials, a Pedigree Chum mobile phone which will only take calls from Jamaica, some high-grade plums, a Bang & Olufsen carpet cleaner, a Vax CD player and a corset for garden gnomes.

£10 for each item or £5 the lot.

Call Bobby Swallows on [Private Number Withheld]

Fore Sail

Ocsferd Dikshonary in gud condishon. Jenuin reeson foor seling. Wood suet klevur purson or stewdant. A bit fockst on teh covur but nise uthurwyse. Severn pownds fore a kwic sayl.

contakt Mervin on mervindothydeatgeemaildotcowdotyoukay

Porsche 924

Not for sale, just wanted to say that I have one. You probably don’t! Ha Ha! I’ve got a Porsche and you don’t! Bet you’d like to have one though wouldn’t you? It’s red! Ha! RED! Bet you’d like a red 80’s Porsche wouldn’t you eh? Yeah, of course you would! But you haven’t, so suck it up!

May swap for Astra Diesel

Contact – starteddevelopmentasavolkswagonbuttheythoughtitwasntverygood@turbo.gloat

Warehouse clearance

Due to a leaky kettle, we have hundreds of simply massive foam horse effigies at unbelievable prices! From a Palomino to a lovely Bay, we’ve got just the simply massive foam horse effigy that you’ve been searching for!  Also see our utterly enormous cakes in the shape of Graham Norton!

Located in Short Compton right next to the DangerMouse museum.