The proud, rural shire of Bifford is also home to a surprising number of local industries, doing and providing for the denizens of our fair corner of creamy England. But how do you know what you need without someone telling you in clear, calm tones? Well, put down that copy of Innovations and let MonkeyBroth point you to your perfect purveyor. Go on, we’ll be ever-so gentle poppet…
Pants on fire but not a liar? Then you need Crotch-Quench! We all know that burning feeling when nylon underwear creates a spark and ignites your favourite merkin. So why put up with it? Crotch-Quench puts out 65% of static-sourced undercarriage calamities meaning you can just get on with your day. A small CO2 canister reacts to a 45 degree change in temperature to ensure that your furry prosthetic remains un-scorched. Warning – sudden release of pressurised gas can cause momentary discomfort, unpleasant sensations and rapid frostbite.
Egan’s Vegans Appalled by animal products? Then Biffordshire’s newest vegan restaurant, run by 80’s suave ‘amuse me’ merchant Peter Egan, can cater for your vegetation requirements. Formal dress please. No steak boots to be worn in the premises.
Mike’s Brewers “Ooooold aaaght yor aaaand” and let us put a pint in it. Mike’s Brewers have been making Biffordshire’s finest ales for over 3 months and are holding an open day this coming weekend. Get your annnnds on our prototype new brews including the long awaited Malteaser Malt, Brewwoof, and Sapient Pony Allotment craft ale. Free admission to under 18s. Entry price highly negotiable. Mike’s Brewers is situated in Humpf-in-the-Hole next to Edd’s China.
Captain Corelli’s Mandarin Glump-under-Hill’s premiere fruit, veg and florists. Prefab sprouts, clockwork oranges, black grapes, peppers that are both red and hot always in stock. We also have some smashing pumpkins. Located just behind Egan’s Vegans in the High Street.
Coming to Spatchcock 20 December
Roll up! Roll up! (or walk) to what has been called the 3,568,543rd wonder of Biffordshire!
Back by occasional demand, Mungo Frimpley’s fantastical circus returns to Spatchcock! Laugh at a creepy clown on a trampoline, Marvel at the lax health and safety! Gasp at the price of candy floss!
- Mavis Bramley’s dancing girls! – Est. 1937 and still dancing!
- The deaf-defying mumbling man!
- The stripy horses with feathers on their heads!
- Bruce Force – The only strong man/midget combo in England!
- The Damian unt Frott show – Taming lions in white leatherette!
- Nevill Freeply and the world’s strongest grape!
- Bernadette and Bernard – The amputee trapeze artists!
- Nigel Curry and his ring of fire!
- Disco Monkeys – Yes they are actual monkeys! They dance!!!
- Bendy Brenda – The human contortionist!
- Things like pigs but massive and grey with really long noses!
- Bump & Grind – Mungo’s house clowns ft. Gary the exploding horse!
- Frank Hollers – He’s louder than Brian Blessed in a lift!
- Waffle shoving on ice and laser show!
.…and little more!
Venue: Behind the recreational ground in Grattles field. Follow the smell of faded grandeur.
Tickets available from Budgens in the High Street. Curtain opens at 11pm. No flash photography, normal everyday photography only. Show may contain disappointment, feelings of mild discomfort and peanuts.
Here, nestled in the sweet bosom of Monkeybroth Towers we like to look after you dear readers. We’d towel you down after a wet walk in the countryside if we could. Caress your forehead to soothe away the aches and stresses that your job as Budgens Regional Manager entails. We’d plump your cushions if only we were able, make you a hot chocolate with squirty cream, give you a rough and tumble style Chinese burn. Watch you while you sleep. Unfortunately, we can’t do any of those things, but consider the following public service announcements cum classifieds as our playful slap on your bottom…. you complete us and we heart you. Both of you.
CELEBRITY FANS! If you are a fan of celebrities, then you’ll love celebrity fans! We are Biffordshire’s foremost celebrity fan stockist, well; we will be after Star Fans burns to the ground in a mysterious blaze next week. Anyway, you need look no further than the end of your nose for all your celebrity fan needs and requirements – birthdays, weddings, unexpected and sudden deaths, we can cater for any joyous occasion. Call Barbara Hugedong on Wibble 456546 or tweet your enquiry to #smellofpetrolonmyhands
STAR BRAS! If you are fan of the stars then show your enjoyment of all things celestial by donning a bra shaped into your favourite constellation. We’ve got every bra shaped in a constellation under the moon – special offer this week on balconette Orions in 34DD only or, due to flood damage, why not take advantage of the amazing discounts in our lace, whale-bone, Cassiopeia range – complete with AAA battery compartment and working mineshaft. Call Fiona Grimtinkle on Slapp 67676767 for more information today!
ANT AND DECKING – Does your garden need a makeover? Why not have a think about a North-Eastern England themed design? Graham’s Gardens, Biffordshire’s foremost landscape gardeners will happily come around to your house and turn your lawn and flower beds into a Tynetastic homage to the North East. You can be Geordie Shore of it! Don’t take our word for it? Read some of our fantastic reviews from our happy customers
“I wasn’t sure what to do with the garden and I still don’t” – Fred Thatchstiff, Glump
“I’m thrilled with the service – I now have empty Newcastle Brown Ale bottles all over my decking and Cheryl Cole themed plant pots. The highlight though has to be my new Jimmy Nail lawnmower. It’s greeet man! Thanks Graham’s Gardens!” Marge On-Abigpole, Stump
“Who? No I haven’t had any gardening work done. Sorry, think you have the wrong number.” ANON, Whump
COCKTAIL SIR? HOW ABOUT YOU MADAM? Due to a YTS apprentice falling asleep on the computer and pressing the wrong button, we’ve got far too much stock than we could ever possibly sell. That won’t stop us from trying though! We wanted to order some cool cocktail glasses to sell, but due to the slumbering student and his idiotic elbows this was entered as mole. Yes, we have 7,898 mole shaped cocktail glasses for sale. Why not have an underground mammal party with your friends and relatives? They’ll be wowed by that and will not stop going on about it. Please give us a ring. Please. Call Owen Foxtrench on Glitter 7777686866
VW FOR SALE – Got my nice VW POLIO for sale. 1.2 litre only 36k on the clock, FSH, VGC and a good sense of humour. Both passenger side tyres are smaller than the driver’s side and won’t inflate for some reason. Anyway VW POLIOs are good little runners. Well, not that good. Call me Amy – Thingulike for a test drive.
CLOWN CLONE – Want a clown cloned? Call Clown Clone today. Don’t be satisfied with owning one clown, own more. Fully secure 24 hour service. Clown Clone won’t appear on your bill, instead it will say ‘Big Jubbers Inc’. Unfortunately due to their genetic make-up clown car horns cannot be cloned, however contact us to discuss your water-squirting flower or door-falling-of- car requirements. Clown Clone – we are not joking around alright? Call Stanislav O’Grundy on Fecklip-on-Flange 45343444
THAT’S SHOE BUSINESS! – Predict the future with a pair of Nostradamus Desert Boots. Fully lace upable and with a sole. To predict the future slip them on in the morning and think about your favourite pony until you are called down for your breakfast. Please be aware the value of your dreams can go up as well as down. Your hopes are at risk if you do not keep up repayments. Call Future Shoes and ask for Derek Smallpipe.
When Monkeybroth was a lad, we used to have this old collie dog. She was called Arthur. We spent many happy years with Arthur, gambolling in the nearby fields, playing ball and swimming in the Rebecca Brooks, that lovely nature reserve which Biffordshirians are only too pleased to call their own. Arthur was more than a dog to the downy-haired and puffy-faced adolescent Monkeybroth. She was a friend, a pal, a mate, a dear and trusted confidant. Tragically, Arthur was killed during the Owlford Riots of 1989, that terrible hot summer which shames the Biffordshire Women’s Institute to this very day.
Monkeybroth held Arthur’s paw as she lay there in amongst the glass and shattered dreams on the pavement just outside Owlford Budgens. With her last breath she seemed to whisper; ‘make sure you carry on with the public service announcements as they provide an extremely vital service to communities across the county, particularly for the old and infirm who are unable to get out and about as much as they like to and who, perhaps, might have fought in the second world war or the Falklands conflict at the very least’. Those then were Arthur’s last words.
So please find below the latest harvesting of public service announcements from across this emerald and fragrant county of Biffordshire. This week dedicated to Arthur. The collie dog. May she rest in peace.
DUE to a mild case of athlete’s foot back in 1988, I have a 13 boxed Mark Knopflers for sale. Each Knopfler comes with interchangeable coloured headbands and authentic face-like-a-depressed sardine expression. So, if you are in Dire Straits, then. Erm. Call Fiona Cockgrumble on Vagisil-on-the-Mold 6787665678
PLEASE rehome an onion today. One-Yon Onion Rescue in Cleft has dozens of abandoned onions all looking for a loving new home. Many of our onions have been left to fend for themselves, living off scraps they find in the streets. Take Misty for instance. Misty was found by our volunteers with several layers of skin peeled away, foraging for scraps round the back of Budgens in Cleft. For an onion of her age and size she was desperately underweight and was terrified of humans. With our love, care and attention, we’ve turned Misty into the faithful loving onion we knew she could be. So please, if you are thinking about getting an onion, whether it be spring, red or the other sorts, call in and view our ready to home onions today. It will be a real tear jerker! Call Cleft 19191919 and ask for Shirley Youcantbeserious.
ARE YOU plagued by blood-sucking fruit and vegetables coming out at night and attacking your livestock? We can help. Here at Vampire Lemons we offer a 24 hour service to prevent fruit from going bad. And we mean really bad. In 2008 nearly two people were attacked in their sleep by blood thirsty fruit and veg. One person died just three weeks later after being bitten by a sharp-toothed pear in a big cape late at night. The pear had a big widow’s peak and no reflection, everything! The bloke who died was hit by a car to be fair, but the police did think it was suspicious. Too right it was! Vampire Lemons, helping you to take a bite out of your vampirical fruit bowl. Call Wayne Surgery on Minge 66666999999
THERE’S more than one way to skin a cat. So the old saying goes. Well I’ve got three fridges for sale. Two of the fridges are in the shape of Bob Holness off of Blockbusters. The third fridge is the same height and shape as Ronnie Corbett, ideal for keeping beer, other alcoholic drinks or soft beverages cool and icy during the hot summer months. The spectacles on the Ronnie Corbett fridge will need adjusting from time to time in order to keep the fridge in peak working condition. All three fridges come with a guarantee that once you have paid for them you’ll be able to take them away. Call Richard Stillgoe on Owlford 343434343
SINCE 1967 I’ve been predicting the future. Now let me do it for you. Hang on… I predict you will shortly be making a telephone call having seen an ad on Monkeybroth.com. See? I’m brilliant at it. Call Mystic Kevin on Flump 343343434. I am waiting for your call. Or am I?
FOR SALE. I have four sails for sale. Call Sally and ask about the four sails Sally has for sale. Please do as I really need to sell the four sails I have for sale. I’ve knocked £20 off the asking price so you could say there is a sale on the four sails Sally needs to sell. Anyway, when you ring you’ll need to ask for Sally who has the four sails for sale. You’ll need to be quite specific as my flatmate passed away three years ago and, to be fair, she isn’t great at taking messages any more. She smells a bit too if I’m being brutally honest.
FRANK-INCENSED. Are you alone tonight? Got nobody to talk too? Enjoy the sound of people getting angry? Call FRANK-INCENSED tonight for the ultimate in over-the-phone-listening-to-someone-being-really-angry relief. Choose option one to hear Frank scold an otter for having the stereo up too loud. Option Two to hear Frank give next door’s cat a right telling off for weeing on his shallots or Option Three for Frank’s rather agitated exchange with the paper boy, after he delivered Shoot Magazine instead of Flange Monthly one Friday morning. Call FRANK-INCENSED on Wipe 3454454543.
It’s time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire. It’s always time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire at Monkeybroth Towers. That’s cos we love them and you, dear readers. We love you more than we love crumpets. We love you more than we love Virgil, the guy who fixes the fax machine for us. Virgil loves a crumpet or two!
SQUIRREL EXPRESS – Need a squirrel in a hurry? Call Squirrel Express today for an obliged to buy quote. All our squirrels are in a real hurry – many are dashing for trains or are staring impatiently at bus time tables. Alternatively, why not select our deluxe service and get a squirrel revving behind you in his car or attempting to overtake you on a bend? Call us today but hurry, because our squirrels in a hurry too. Call Bob on Groin-Cough 45873773
FAMILIES. Looking for a fun day out only part of the family will enjoy? The 13th Annual Mumford Otter and Cheese Show promises just that. Highlights for the Saturday include Mumford Otter Show-Off group’s performance of their hilarious rendition of Oh What a Lovely Otter, while later in the day, you’ll be able to play Asian Otter or Gorgonzola! over by the cheese-shaped Ferris wheel. Plus, don’t miss a fabulous display by the Red Arrows which, for this event only, will be piloted by otters eating Red Leicester! How apt! Please note that due to foreseen circumstances, the Cirque d’Otter will not be performing at this year’s event due to a suspicious phone call to be received in the week leading up to the event. It will sound like someone’s eating crisps on the other end of the line, but they won’t be. For more details call Tulip Sunrise on Mumford 433232111.
GOT A GARDEN? Then get a life. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain. For details on garden protests in your area, visit www.lawnsarewherethedevilspawns.com
SURE, you may think you have enough spoons in your house but when was the last time you checked? Fire statistics reveal that nearly 8 out of every thousand house fires in the UK may have started due to a lack of working spoons. If you’re too busy or don’t care if you and your family are at risk from fire, then let Fire Spoons help. For a small fee and access to your underwear drawer we’ll check your spoons for you. This hassle free service only takes a few minutes but a fire caused by a lack of spoons could take a lot longer, couldn’t it? Ask for Agnetha on Sputum 8988768778
WANT TO TRY POETRY? But don’t know where to start? Try with a first line and go from there. For more poetry tips visit www.youcouldbeapoetifonlyyougotoffyourfatlegsanddidsomething.co.uk
FLOWERS Have small CCTV cameras in them linked to hell. The devil uses them to watch you. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.
FOUND. I’ve found my cat, Mrs Tinkle. Thanks to everyone who got in touch to help me find her. Particular thanks go to RAF Biffordshire Tornado Squadron who managed to shoot Mrs Tinkle down over Berkshire as she attempted to strafe Windsor Castle. I’m so embarrassed. I honestly thought her having a pilot’s licence would give her an interest and get her out of the house.
RHODENDRON BUSHES – are wigs for the devil’s demons, allowing them to go incognito and spy on you as you get undressed at bedtime. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.
MonkeyBroth is almost hyperactively committed to keeping its readers (that’s you there sweet-cheeks) bang up-to-date with all the very most exciting developments created by human kind.
So much so, that we hired a platoon of attractive ladies who were sent out to seduce scientists and product designers all over the globe. Sadly our geek-centric honey trap failed after it turned out that both the scientists and the product designers were, in fact, a platoon of chiselled hunks sent out by a rival blog to seduce attractive agency girls. Which just goes to show something – possibly the sexist belief that women can’t be scientists and product designers for one.
We all love to say that we had a great time at festivals, but there’s no denying that, by day two, you struggle to hold a smile due to trench-foot, gastric poisoning and close proximity to aspiring middle-class music lovers. Well you too can now post that tricky ‘having a great time’ photo on Facebook with ‘Festival Face’. Just slip on your Festival Face mask and hide your sleep deprived look of desperation behind a perfect happy-faced fizzog and get snapping! Festival Face masks are 100 per cent guaranteed free of pained facial features, so you can buy in confidence.
See our stand at the Biffordshire Shopping Trolley Expo, Flipflopton village hall.
Persian Cat-extric – New from MonkeyBroth games!
Be the race! Be speed! Be endurance! Be a Peke Faced Persian! That’s right, now you can recreate the famous Persian racing series from the 70’s in purrrfect 1:16 scale. These beautifully detailed model Persians can reach scale-speeds of over 250mph around the realistic recreation of the famous Sil-fur-stone track. Set contains one Peke-faced and one Smoke Persian complete with drivers, pit-crew, track and controllers. Batteries not included.
Warning – Persians will require regular grooming and greasing for best performance.
Tired of charging your mobile phone?
Then read the newest inspirational book from Jarred Smitherquake. Put it Away is a revolutionary lifestyle book that encourages people to actually put down their mobile phones and concentrate on what they are doing rather than finding out what everyone else is doing whilst they are not doing what they are trying to do. Or something. The theory is that by ‘putting it away’ you’ll not run down the battery, thus saving valuable time spent hooking your phone up to a charger and giving you back up to 14 minutes a year of your life to spend doing what you like best (possibly going to the toilet or talking to pigeons).
Please note – Side effects of not staring constantly at your phone includes not stepping blindly out in front of traffic, being aware that your children are causing mayhem in Budgens and not seeing a picture of what your best friend had for lunch.
Mobile version available from all good eBook retailers.
Exciting stuff this week, Monkey Broth-ers. We’ve just received official news that Hornbag, Biffordshire, has been selected as Duvet Times and Blanket News’ official page three village! It’s a real honour for the good folk of Hornbag, who are rightly proud of their picturesque and quintessentially picturesque village. Nestled between the Busty Downs of East Biffordshire, Hornbag is a village steeped in picturesque history. If you get a moment, do visit Old Ma’s Spring museum showcasing different types of spring from across the village. Once you have seen both springs, then enjoy a much needed reviver at the The Crow’s Crack Inn on Whump Avenue, just opposite Budgens. Hornbag, come for a day and stay for a day!
To celebrate Hornbag’s elevation to the dizzying heights of becoming Duvet Times and Blanket News’ page three village of the month, we’ve dedicated our public services announcement to all things Hornbag. So if you are in Hornbag, BE in Hornbag by immersing yourself in everything this quintessentially picturesque village has to offer!
Hornbag’s Premier Indian Restaurant, The Harvest Moon, is just too pleased to announce a new addition to our most popular menu. After much pleading by Hornbaggians we’ve turned the famous local Hornbag delicacy into a curry! Yes, for the first time, you can now enjoy overweight, sweaty paper boy masala or, for a special creamy treat, why not plump for overweight, sweaty, paper boy korma! Hornbaggians receive no discount so get along to the Harvest Moon, situated just yards from this theatre! Call the Harvest Moon on Hornbag 7688976. You’ll have reservations about visiting!
Having a dinner party? Great! So am I! Call Gordon Bleu on Hornbag 558737 for more details.
Need to look busy at work? Well, let us glue a phone to the side of your face! Glue Phone has been operating out of Hornbag since 1887 and we are fine purveyors of glue and phones. If you have a big meeting coming up but don’t fancy it, simply give us a call and we’ll glue a phone to your face, right there and then! Ideal treat for the busy corporate executive in your life! Not to be confused with Glued To The Television Company in Cleft.
Moles – Huh! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing! So goes the famous poem by William Shakespeare. But that’s where you are wrong, because here at Moles to Poles we know much better than you! Turn your unwanted moles into poles today. No mole too small; so whether your tent needs much needed restoration or your daughter is getting married and the spoilt little cow wants the big showy wedding, and guess what Daddy, you’re paying for it, and you need a marquee put up quick then let us know. Why buy expensive poles when we can turn your unwanted moles into poles for you? Some self-assembly is required. Hornbag 45454545
Giant Inflatable Kittens – have been hitting the news recently and why not? They are only too adorable. Often the preserve of the rich and famous, now you too can own and enjoy a taste of Hollywood’s latest craze. For a quite a big fee actually we’ll happily lower giant inflatable kittens on to your roof. 24 hour emergency call out rate applies, roof owner must supply own gas in order to inflate giant kittens.
MonkeyBroth is determined to give you, you glorious creature, the most ‘now’ and ‘it’ announcements that are achievable within the bounds of English law.
We’ll own up that we did hire a sneak-thief in an attempt to steal upcoming announcements before they were released but, due to a typo with the admin, we were sent a steak-thief instead. We have apologised to Clive, our friendly local butcher, and returned the ill-gotten rump, shoulder and brisket to him post-haste.
Frosty Bobbins? Nippy Needles? Need you thimbles thawing? The coming cold snap promises to play merry hell with our treasured knitting and sewing tools but you can protect your investment with Steamstress. Simply pop your implements into the Steamstress storage area and fill the steam reservoir with tap water to keep the contents at a perfect 300 degrees Kelvin. Also works with Quick-Unpicks and Seam-Rippers. Available now at your local, inexplicably dark and disconcertingly quiet Haberdashery shop.
Warning, items removed from your Steamstress will be hot or possibly molten. Please allow items to cool for 48 hours before use.
Important message from Biffordshire County Council Due to the punishing winter climate taking its toll on our highways, Biffordshire County Council has initiated a series of road and byway repairs in and around the town of Spimlatch. Closures will be kept to a minimum and highways that experience heavy use will have night-time repairs. The following works are planned;
– The A8008 between Dank Lane and Spinney Jimmy Crescent
– Spooning Avenue adjacent to The Boating Spaniel Public House
– The Bridge over the river Why
– The floor of Melon & Sons green grocers (just under the lemon stand)
– Mrs. Jumplead’s creaky landing at 51 Beevertooth Road
Thank you for your patience.
Graham and Bunty’s Jam Cottage is open for business! After literally hours of renovation, the old florists in Hanktitch High Street has been TRANSFORMED into The Jam Cottage! Ready for all your taxidermy needs, The Jam Cottage provides the full stuffed animal service. We’ll stuff anything from a Llama to a favourite pet woodlouse. Competitive prices guaranteed. Poses and historical scenes a speciality. Check out our window display depicting The Battle of Lowestoft in spectacular detail.
Open from 11am till late! Pop in for a consultation and a biscuit.
MonkeyBroth is determined to give you, dear, dear reader, the most up-to-date announcements that are possible within the rules of time and space.
In fact, so keen are we that you are incredibly well-informed, we tried building a time machine so that we could acquire the announcements before they were conceived. Unfortunately, we quickly realised that building a time machine was a bit more difficult than we thought. Silly really, if it was that easy, someone would have done it already I suppose. Anyway, we’ve decided that we’ll stick to Meryl in the canteen who researches using Innovations magazine. Good enough really…
Me-cankers – New from MonkeyBroth kids! Conkers for the 21st century – it’s mechanical in some way! Me-cankers is the fun electronic game for all the family. Just string your ‘canker’ onto some electrical wire for hours of ball-bashing hilarity! The object of the game is simple; the first player to have their ball smashed by their opponent loses and has to live out their days knowing that they are inferior to the other player in at least one respect. Me-cankers – the new name in kids entertainment (Disclaimer: Some children may ultimately find this quite dull).
MonkeyBroth is recruiting! We need someone to come around and blow all of the dust and old food matter from our hard-worked keyboards. If you have the hunger to learn and to get on in life, you could be the person that we’re looking for! The successful candidate will have a City & Guilds Hygiene Level 1 certificate, a diploma in Mechanical engineering and a can of surprisingly expensive compressed air. A Degree in Biological Chemistry is preferred but not essential. Send your CV and something nice (Muffins always go down well) to; MonkeyBroth Towers, Pigeon Street, Cum-Wisely, Biffordshire, CW8 78X. Applications Close 11 November 2012 (or sooner if we manage to extract that piece of melted cheddar that’s jamming my space bar).
Have you ever noticed that your fridge gets all crusty where you put the milk in it? If so, Milky Milky Go Away can help. Just ring our free-phone number, and a qualified Milky Milky Go Away crust removal engineer will be with you within weeks. That’s right, no more wondering just what unpleasant life forms are building their own evil civilisation within the detritus of your fridge-skank. Milky Milky Go Away has been a member of the Lactose Scud Removal Society since 1912. Call now for a quote or even just a chat – we’re quite quiet at the moment. 0898 MILKYAWAY