Disco Pig

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Protecting his Nan. Like a boss.

BIP, BIP, BIP, BOP, BOP, Weeeow Weeeow Weeeow Burzzzzzp. Yeah, it’s da pig, voice boxin’ like dat funny man off Police Academy. Disco Pig, he is not liking that film coz the fuzz always win init. Not cool brah…

Anywayz, I been staying at me nans, Cha-Cha Pig, lookin’ after her and keepin’ her nice. She does a royal Sunday lunch wiv all the trimmings so life is sweeeeet! She been havin’ some trouble wiv da local hoofs comin’ around her manor and tearing up her begonias. Disco Pig be all up in their face and stuff and teachin’ dem some manners. Unfortunate for Disco Pig, dey go and call up their brothers and, before I know it, da whole Aston Clinton massive be all over Disco Pig like a moth to honey!

Me? I got outta there man! Da Pig knows what good for him ya know!

Anyway, check out the total quality on dis selection of top beats! TUUUUNZ and naaaa fillaaaaa!

Disco Pig charts

The Best of the Bests – Mauve, Mauve, oh I’m so Mauve

Grimlock Ft. Spade of Bass – Get me to Winchester and the people will be freed!

Peter Gurdy and the Festival of Angles – You’re so obtuse (you probably think this song is about Bagels)

Skanky Fire Engine – Sound your siren like you want it

Overworld – Died sloppy

Café-Del-Mars-Bar – Deep fried if possible

The Other Otters Offer Better Butter – Soon see Sue’s sale shoes

The Temperate – I can see no reason why buying this record will affect you in any way

The Spokey Dokey’s – Click………click……..click…..click…click..clickclickclickclick

Frankie goes to Pinewood – Seriously, just calm down ok?

Queens of Marbella – Your villa’s on fire (Time-Sharez mix)

Messy Conquest – Dip in the crimson lake

M Cox and the Splendid Nosegays – Today has scampi written all over it

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Poetry corner

Trolley Folly – by Humphrey Grottle

trolley on the beach

Even on the beach, I’ll be watching you…

Seconded by unanimous motion,
The trolley caused a depth of emotion,
Remembering’s of campsites, Valium and toast,
That teddy that Julie had liked the most.

Grabbing the carton,
Feel like a Spartan!
Twixt the fingers,
Find the beast

Trolleys shouldn’t cause these thoughts,
Like shoes on impulse hastily bought,
Dumplings cook gently while the dog looks on,
But in her mind the trolley still shone.

Grasping the Inuit,
Feel like a bis-cu-it!
Minus the soft bit,
Flush out the brush.

‘Get out!’ cried Julie ‘I’ve had my fill!’
The trolley trundled towards the ghostly till,
Imagine a Kit-Kat coming for dinner,
The trolley still going and clearly the winner

Holding the wash-mitt,
Feeling like a twit,
She doesn’t give a monkeys,
Julie jogs on…

 

Bis-cu-it? Really? Well, more poetry again soon dear reader!


Home maintenance with Keith Dynosheet

Many of you will remember Keith from such genre-leading TV shows as ‘How long is your guttering?’ and ‘Changing rooms changed’. A pioneer in the development of the self-leveling-level and the automatic gate mangle, Keith has been at the sharp end of home DIY for at least 6 months. An enviable CV indeed! Here, Keith takes you through some seasonal ‘must dos’ for every home tinkerer.

Hello everyone! Keith Dynosheet here with some top tips to keep you busy on those long and sultry summer days.

cold pint

Nice cold pint? Waste of time! Get in the loft instead!

When the sun is shining bright, the living’s good and the temperature is nudging the high 80’s, there’s nothing I like more than insulating the loft. Many consider this task to be madness at this time of year but ask yourself this – where would you rather be? Having a cold cider in a beautiful country pub garden or up in the loft wearing protective clothing and laying thick glass-fibre between your joists? Quite! Get up that loft ladder! It is important to utilise your full face mask to protect your eyes and your lungs from the hazardous material. It also helps to have a nice thick pair of trousers (a sturdy cavalry twill or jumbo cord for preference), a long-sleeved fleece to protect the forearms and a thick pair of gloves. I find that it’s best to lay your insulation at around midday although I don’t know why.

Another fantastic job during this fair season is cleaning the inside of the greenhouse windows. Remember that, because of the extreme temperatures, the glass will streak very badly meaning you need to take your time to achieve that sparkling finish. Set aside a minimum 3 hours without breaks to truly do this job justice and remember the full complement of thick, heavy protective clothing when working with glass.

My final top DIY job for a balmy July day is putting down Lino in the cellar. ‘But it’s cold down there Keith!’ I hear you cry! But worry not as you’ll be wearing the full complement of heavy, think and stiff protective clothing including the most important garments – the safety scarf and luminous mittens. Also, your Lino will need to be kept warm to make it lay properly, so a large space-heater set on full power will be a necessity. A hairdryer on the hottest possible setting is also recommended for precision laying. Remember not to bring any cold drinks or refreshments into the cellar with you during this task as you may spill some on your lovely brand-new floor. Allow between 4-6 hours to complete this depending on the area you’re covering. A great time-saving tip for this is to not have any fluids for 24 hours beforehand thus saving trips to the toilet.

Until next time everyone, stay safe and most of all, stay safe!

 

Wonderful advice there to avoid wasting those precious summer days! Keith will be back in the future to explain why roofing is best done during lightning storms. You can also purchase Keith’s new book -‘Building a swimming pool during a drought’ at all good booksellers.


Up Your Way with Barry Turtleneck

UP YOUR WAY…

With Barry Turtleneck

Barry Turtleneck here, back with another edition of Up Your Way with Barry Turtleneck. The regular reader of this column will know only too well that Up Your Way with Barry Turtleneck, is an affectionate and nostalgic look back at the golden times, the by-gone days which have quite literally gone by over the years in our lovely county of Biffordshire.

The early 1980s was one such yellowy era, a time when life somehow seemed more innocent, more gay and a lot more colourful. Many of you may remember that the tiny village of Fest, a few miles outside of Clump, was thrust into the limelight back in 1982 when it hosted Biffordshire’s first ever music festival. Fest Fest as it became known, was a roaring success, due, in part, to the fantastic contacts and organisational skills of Derek Dropdownmenu, roadie to the stars. Here Derek, now aged 128, looks back at the very first Fest Fest, way back in 1982.

“What a time it was. I’d been out on the road for months with Motley Crue so I’d been busy leading up to Fest Fest. I got the call to come back and manage all the stars who had been booked for the event and, rock stars being rock stars, I had my hands and my feet full! I certainly had my work cut out for me, it was a big responsibility I can tell you.

The first act to show up at the playing fields behind Fest’s St David of Essex church, where we had set up the main stage, were Musical Youth. They were a lovely set of lads, but arrived at the venue looking really miserable. They slung their BMXes around the back of the Scout Hut and sloped over to me. While they were desperate to play, their Mum had told them in no uncertain terms to be back home for their tea – and there was no way they could play their gig in time. To make matters worse, Freddie had broken his left hand playing Connect Four, so passing the dutchie, or anything else for that matter, to the left hand side was out. I suggested they could pass the dutchie to the right hand side, given the state of Freddie’s hand. But the boys, artistes to the end, refused. As it turned out, the lads had pooled their pocket money for the past month to save up for a Huxley Pig Video they had seen in the Fest charity shop and were dead keen to get some lemonade on the go and to watch it all the way through in one sitting. I told them not to worry about the gig and to get themselves home for a spot of Huxley. That soon cheered them up and off they rode, giggling and pushing each other at the thought of having a lovely evening settled down in the front of their massive, three-channel TV.  Musical Youth pulling out last minute left a gaping hole in the schedule and with the show just a few hours away I was starting to feel the heat.

As they disappeared around the corner, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Karen, the 6/10 one from Bananarama. Back then the girls used to travel around to gigs in a hot air balloon, but there was no sign of the tour balloon anywhere. Uh oh, we’re in trouble I thought, before remembering that was a song from the future by Shampoo. Thinking the girls were here for their sound check, I ushered them towards the scout hut, which was doubling up as the stars’ changing rooms for the bash. But before I could speak the girls piped up in unison telling me that there was a major issue I needed to sort. They led me around the corner and there on the roof of the vicarage was Billy Ocean. I couldn’t believe it. Caribbean star Billy was sat with his legs dangling off the guttering, crying his eyes out. That’s all I need I thought – the top act at Fest Fest 82 throwing a wobbly. I managed to find a ladder and climbed up determined to find out why Billy Ocean was throwing a major sulk. It transpired that Limahl and he had had a falling out when the Kajagoogoo singer had drunk all of Billy’s Tizer. Sighing, I managed to track down Limahl who explained that he thought that it was his Tizer, although to be honest, Billy had taken the trouble to stick an Elastoplast on the bottle with the word ‘Billy’s’ on it, so I don’t think Limahl had much of a leg to stand on to be fair. Anyway Limahl launched into a long tirade about what he said was an innocent mistake – you could say it was a real never ending story, except the subject matter was Tizer! Anyway, I managed to coax Billy down and the lads shook hands to put an end to the whole sorry saga.

As it turned out that was just the start of my troubles and there was more fizzy pop worries ahead of me! I thought I had better check on some of the other stars, who by now should have been all getting changed over at the Scout Hut ready for the gig to begin. It was a chaotic scene. Shakin’ Stevens had arrived in good time, but to my horror I saw his denim jacket and jeans were still hanging on their peg by the serving hatch. His white shoes were also still there, so god knows where he was. As it turned out he’d been upsetting Manhattan Transfer by getting all their Lilt out of the fridge and Shakin’ the cans around before handing it to the Chanson D’Amour stars. He was rolling around laughing as one by one, members of the group got sprayed by the sugary Caribbean-themed liquid.

I made a mental note to have a little chat with Shakin’ before he went on stage, but there were more problems I had to deal with right there and then.

Lilt... with it's totally tropical taste. LILT!

Lilt… with it’s totally tropical taste. LILT!

I have to say I expected a lot better from Renee and Renato. The pair were huge back then and I thought I could rely on them to at least bring a little bit of mature decorum to the proceedings. How wrong, was I?? Hailing from Italy, Renato had never seen space dust before and it wasn’t long before he saw the practical joke opportunities the fizzy snack offered. I had been away trying to fix a puncture and the squeaky brakes on the Bee Gees’ Raleigh Burners, when I heard a loud rumpus coming from the scout hut. I burst in only to see Renato holding on to his allocated peg crying his eyes out with laughter. As I found out to my horror, he had crafted a paste of water and space dust and delighted in rubbing it into the crotch of Midge Ure’s swimming trunks, when the Ultravox star’s back was turned. Midge had opted to take a pre-gig dip in the Fest community pool, but was now hopping around the scout hut grabbing and itching at his crotch. Everyone was splitting their sides laughing and Siouxsie Sue was almost unconscious with mirth.Thankfully the stars were all professionals and the show went on. I was relieved when the whole event finally got under way. I even got a thank you card at the end from Thomas Dolby to thank me for having him. It was a relief to get the acts back to the scout hut after the gig. Soon their mums were there to pick them up, so I handed out the party bags, gave each of them a balloon as a souvenir and poured myself a long drink. Never again until Fest Fest ‘83!”


Births, Deaths and Marriages

BIRTHS, DEATHS AND MARRIAGES

Monkeybroth is deflated to bring you the latest round up of personal announcements from across Biffordshire. The county clearly has got it going ON. We need to add our own sad news to these announcements. Frank, the office goose here at Monkeybroth Towers, passed away gently in his sleep on Friday night. He was six and leaves behind a wife Gloria and 234 goslings. We used to hook Frank up to the office fax machine and took great delight in pulling the archaic communications from his beak. He was a real joker and used to make great cappuccinos. A sad, sad loss. Still never mind, we can’t sit around here all day crying over dead geese.

 

A SON! Mr and Mrs Michael Go-Cat of Trumpet Avenue, Badcheek have found a baby under the pampas grass in their front garden. While the Go-Cats are keen roundabouters they don’t think it’s been there since their last roundabout party with other couples from the neighbourhood, nine months ago. Anyway, they have provisionally called the baby Eczema, so if it’s yours come and claim little Eczema by ringing Badcheek, 69696969

ANOTHER SON! Barry and Petunia Pink-Floyd of Grassyknees, Biffordshire are delighted to announce the birth of their son Aardvark, a brother to the couples’ twin daughters, Ant-Eater and Jane. To celebrate, the family are hosting an open event in the grounds of Stuart Hall, Grassyknees’ sumptuous Elizabethan house. All are welcome, but asthmatics are asked to book in advance.

MR ARTHUR CABINET of Whisk is saddened to announce the sad passing of his mother. Varnish Gladys used to work at Woolworths where she would lick the flying saucers before placing them in the pick ‘n’ mix buckets. A former test pilot for NASA, Varnish went into steady decline over the last few months although still managed to delight younger family members by inviting them to find the Cornettos she had hidden around her body. Donations to the British Fart Houndation please.

A DAUGHTER! George and Mildred Thunderstorm of Barrygibb, Biffordshire are pleased to announce the birth of their first daughter, Steve, a sister to the couple’s sons, Angela and Octavia. The Thunderstorms are delighted to have a daughter after all this time and they have already enrolled young Steve in the Barrygibb Academy for Ladies with Boys Names. The Christening takes place next Tuesday when Archbishop Dr Robert Carolgees will be officiating. He’s doing it in his new leather jacket, kindly provided to him by his parishioners.


MonkeyBroth public service announcements

MonkeyBroth is almost hyperactively committed to keeping its readers (that’s you there sweet-cheeks) bang up-to-date with all the very most exciting developments created by human kind.

So much so, that we hired a platoon of attractive ladies who were sent out to seduce scientists and product designers all over the globe. Sadly our geek-centric honey trap failed after it turned out that both the scientists and the product designers were, in fact, a platoon of chiselled hunks sent out by a rival blog to seduce attractive agency girls. Which just goes to show something – possibly the sexist belief that women can’t be scientists and product designers for one.

 

Festival Face

We all love to say that we had a great time at festivals, but there’s no denying that, by day two, you struggle to hold a smile due to trench-foot, gastric poisoning and close proximity to aspiring middle-class music lovers. Well you too can now post that tricky ‘having a great time’ photo on Facebook with ‘Festival Face’. Just slip on your Festival Face mask and hide your sleep deprived look of desperation behind a perfect happy-faced fizzog and get snapping! Festival Face masks are 100 per cent guaranteed free of pained facial features, so you can buy in confidence.

See our stand at the Biffordshire Shopping Trolley Expo, Flipflopton village hall.

 

meeeeeeeooooooooowwww!

Persian racing was the very pinnacle of motor sport in the 70’s…

Persian Cat-extric – New from MonkeyBroth games!

Be the race! Be speed! Be endurance! Be a Peke Faced Persian! That’s right, now you can recreate the famous Persian racing series from the 70’s in purrrfect 1:16 scale. These beautifully detailed model Persians can reach scale-speeds of over 250mph around the realistic recreation of the famous Sil-fur-stone track. Set contains one Peke-faced and one Smoke Persian complete with drivers, pit-crew, track and controllers. Batteries not included.

Warning – Persians will require regular grooming and greasing for best performance.

 

Tired of charging your mobile phone?

Then read the newest inspirational book from Jarred Smitherquake. Put it Away is a revolutionary lifestyle book that encourages people to actually put down their mobile phones and concentrate on what they are doing rather than finding out what everyone else is doing whilst they are not doing what they are trying to do. Or something. The theory is that by ‘putting it away’ you’ll not run down the battery, thus saving valuable time spent hooking your phone up to a charger and giving you back up to 14 minutes a year of your life to spend doing what you like best (possibly going to the toilet or talking to pigeons).

Please note – Side effects of not staring constantly at your phone includes not stepping blindly out in front of traffic, being aware that your children are causing mayhem in Budgens and not seeing a picture of what your best friend had for lunch.

Mobile version available from all good eBook retailers.