Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
Well it’s been a tough week for pip-squeak POP prima-donna Patsy Dormouse. After the scandal that was her dalliance with her burley builder, she’s been caught taking advantage of a certain swivel-headed DJ, Graham B. Owl. It GOES without saying that he’ll be having his wheels of steel spun this weekend! T-wit-t-woo’d!
Meanwhile, Tabloid Squirrel can report that THE one and only legendary boxer – Foxy Balboa – was caught training in someone else’s ring on Tuesday if you get my meaning. That’s right folks! We can almost hear the divorce papers being shuffled by his long suffering wife, Geraldene WEASEL, who is the heiress of a small fortune of hazel nuts. We think Foxy’s going to be PRETTY red-faced!
Finally this week, soap-star Franski Hedgepig can celebrate a LITTLE victory in the long running rift with Goat Stevens – the creator of Sixpence Woods – when Goat announced in an interview with Copse I Can magazine that he’d been wrong about Franski’s swimming addiction. Ahhh, let’s hope they can patch THINGS up for good!
Q) Dear Monkeybroth,
Don’t cha wish your boyfriend was freak like me?
PS Love the site
The Pussycat Dolls
Hello Dolls! Finally! We’ve been running Monkeybroth for a number of months now as our loyal follower will no doubt testify, and finally the Pussycat Dolls have been in touch. Great stuff. All the staff here at Monkeybroth towers are massive fans of the Dolls or as Barry in Accounts calls them, The PCDs. We did laugh when we first heard that. Barry is a bit of a comedy genius and he’s wasted down there in Accounts. I don’t mean he should be on the stage or anything; he is literally wasted due to his many and varied addictions. The new party drug MFI is his latest fad. Him being off his razza all the time certainly does make for a fun working place, although I know Samantha gets a little fed up with all the vomiting. Still, all power to your elbow Barry. Great to have you on board.
All the best,
Hi-de-hi yellow coats,
Yes, it’s time to recline on the comfy chair of my knowledge. Are you sitting ‘comfortably’? Then let Peter wash all over you…
Welcome to Monkeybroth’s public announcements service. Here at Monkeybroth towers, we take our public service responsibilities very seriously. We love, cherish and respect our communities. We want to hug them and squeeze them dry. We want to leave them dried up and properly spent. No more juice in them at all because we would have squeezed every drop out of them. Because we love them so much. That’s why we squeeze them. Hard.
- Have you got tired and tatty buckets just lying around your house, doing nothing like a bunch of drippy, wispy-bearded, spitty little fag smoking hormone- pumped teenagers? Perhaps you have some much loved buckets which have seen better days under the kitchen cupboard, just crying out for some much needed TLBC – that’s tender, loving, bucket care in our book! Well, fret no longer. We will sporadically come around your house and breathe new life into your buckets using our special carbon life form based bucket glue. Totally toxic and harmful to pets, it will spruce up your buckets proper style. No more embarrassing grotty buckets for you, oh no! Visit bucketsnotgrimynomore.com yesterday!
- How often do you wish you could turn your cherished family memories into spoons? Wish no longer – Memory Spoons has got a (spoon) handle on it for you! It doesn’t matter what your memory is, we can spoon it for you – bar mitzvahs, birthdays, family circumcisions whatever the occasion. Why not turn that time Uncle Colin fell into the canal into a spoon? Perhaps your mum’s hysterectomy would look good in a carelessly designed and created dessert spoon format? Nothing says ‘sorry to hear for your loss’ more than turning cherished funeral memories into a spoon and sending it to the grieving parties involved. This week only… ladles! Big chunky ladles full of your memories. Yes. Visit memoryspoonsarethefuture.com today and we’ll do the rest. Memory Spoons – we’ll do your remembering for you by putting it in memory spoon format, so remember us today. Don’t forget to remember us!
- Rock and indeed Roll – turn your family pets into members of 80s rockers ZZ Top with our new food supplement. Simply add our special ‘ZZ Top Up’ sauce to your pet’s food and hey presto, overnight your pet will turn, miraculously, into smaller but just as furry, members of ZZ Top! Your pet will be giving YOU all the lovin’, with ZZ Top Up. Don’t let your neighbours be the talk of the cul-de-sac with their Hawkind llamas or Iron Maiden goldfish – they are rubbish! ZZ Top your pets today and relax, this idea has legs! Visit yesmypetsareboringpleaseturnthemintozztoptoday.com for more details. You’ll regret it!
Hoot hoot your hoot, my porcine piggy pals coz I iz back-on da groove with sum more of me razzling, and ruffling ruffty tuffty toons. Aye, it me Disco Pig here to keep your farm as phat as a monkey at monsoon time innit. I az bin away for a bit ya knaw – just burning spliff and chillin wit me brevven in da sty. In fact it bin so chillin me gonna ring MTV and get meself on Cribs – natch they will be renaming it Sties in honour and respec’ to da Disco Pig innit!
Anydeways, dat is enough from me my huge porky scratchings – dis is my latest cullectishon of boss de-boss toons for ya listening pleasure. Get yer ear caverns around dis lot – solid!
Ivory Merchant – Blood is thicker than water, and so is custard
The Exhaust Pipes – Mamma’s gonna try for an injunction
DJ Fiveskin ft. Keith Harris – Asda roll back
Dinglevalve Shumperdank – Euro, Euro, Euro, bang, bang, bang
DJ MG Midget – Handbrake off! It’s Curry Night!
The Souffle Perverts – Soiled bedding is all crispy crème
The Foolish Dictionaries – Arthur’s moved to Hemel Hempstead
MC Torpid and the Slugglish Spoons – Crap ambulance don’t do bends
The Moist Kittens – Fudge, fudge, have you got a van of fudge?
Paul Handsome-Crab – Discharge and dat charge
My Bonnie – Lies over the ocean, unless he’s dead
Throbbing Gristle – Anguished ovens ain’t cooking my pork
Unwellmau5 – Lucozade has pepped me right up
Sack, Back and Quack – Do be do, do be do, be do dooo
The Spittle-heads – The boys are all in my yard, because I do make very nice milkshakes. Second to none!
The Itch Doctors – Rash on your inner thigh
More hoof-tapping toons next week yer hear me now?
Garden hose for sale – Genuine reason for sale
Hoza-full-brand garden hose in good condition. Has been a faithful companion but time moves on. Allergy forces sale. May part exchange for hamster or equivalent plumbing tools.
Practical Cured Meats magazine – issues 50-96
My beloved collection (all carefully splash-covered). Includes the infamous Antony Worrall Thompson anti-chorizo rant in issue 54. Collectors item would suit cured meat enthusiast or recovering vegetarian.
For sale – skateboarding ants
I have been training ants to do a Wallplant for 20 years. Last week it finally happened (and they caught some ‘Japan Air’ also) so I have no more interest. Comes with a totally ‘rad’ ant farm and tiny skateboards. Everything you need to get started.
Get in touch on firstname.lastname@example.org
Q) Dear Monkeybroth,
Do you really want to hurt me?
Mr. B George
Dear Mr. George,
Of course not! Monkeybroth is not cruel by nature you know! I realise that the lack of stuff on here in the last week could be disappointing, but there was no intention to cause hurt either physical or mental. We really hope you understand Mr. George. We really do.
Yours, always and forever,