Brrrrdddrup brrrudpt! Yas, is da pig, coming at ya like a bag of nachos, but less cheesy init.
Well, this little piggy jus got back from Somersetshire where I’ve been totally at Glasto’. Me and my mate House Hog borrowed me nan’s Micra and razzed outta da city to get back to nature, although I did take da Nintendo with me. Yeah, we gone done the camping like da bosses. Although, HH did set fire to da tent we ‘borrowed’ from Millets with a stray blim, and we ain’t got a warranty.
It weren’t all peaches and RnB tho, as we wuz told that der’d be a lot of mud for wallowin’ in, but all we got was a dust bath and some sunburn, so wuz a bit of a scam.
Anyway, here’s sum of our top tunz performed at da festival;
SicklyB4dgr – Jumping the left shark
Cayenne East – Vocoder nightmare (where are you all going?)
CTRL-Alt-Delete – This cedar is ravenous
Spotless Highwayman – Relentless advert music
Mark Ronseal – Does exactly what it says on the sleeve
Florida Quivers – I’m just not partial to fisticuffs Nigel
Feral Wilikins – Cheerful (but tomorrow I may not be – I don’t know)
The Moo – Can we have our fields back, stoners?
Cyclebonce – The grace of maids
The Water Bottles – Telescopes offer you unrestricted lunar visuals
Well, more Disco Pig as soon as is most likely, which is possibly never given how long it’s been since the last one.
Aiiieeeee hoof, hoof, hoof… yes folks it’s the biggest night of the year innit! Disco Pig is back with the beats from the renegade master – dey told me I can’t play bass and dat I can’t play drum, but I am ere to tell ya that I’m here actually innit. I’m not a Yankee, I’m a Londoner innit, and on da playground was were I spent most of ma dayze. I got in one little fight and Mrs Disco Pig got scared so she sent me to my Auntie and Uncle’s in Walfamstow innit!
Anyway, der fond trips dahn memory alley asides, Disco Pig is ere to give ya all the bangiest playlist for da bangiest night of the year – Noo Year’s Eve, innit! Disco Pig was in da big demand dis year and as had to turn down some big gigs, including one at dat O2 in his home tahn of Londan innit. Stoked though, cos I is now rocking the bins at Biffordshire’s biggest nightclub – Da Sugar Shed, just outsida of Moistbury on da A67, if you go past der Lamb and Foreskin pub you has gone too far innit. Turn around and hed back a bit, bit more, on da left innit. Yes, da place wiv da big sign up at the front.
Anyways, it’s free Bacardi Breezers all night for da ladies, so get in quick and you might even pull a Bacardi Geezer, that’s me innit!! Nah, don’t fink dat Disco is being all up and unfaithful to da missus and shizzle – she’s out of tahn visiting her poorly piggy gran in Colchester so while da missus is away visiting her poorly piggy gran in Colchester da Disco Pig will play… da top tunes all night innit! Ha ha…
Seriously d’oh Disco Pig is all loved up an dat so it would have to be somefink special to turn his eyes onto anover lady pig innit. Like a couple of drinks and some heavy petting behind da stage innit! Disco knows you ladies will be forming an orderly queue to get ya hoofs on dis bit of quality bacon, but I ain’t bovvered. Da lady I as is da love of me life innit – plus her gran is a lovely lady piggy. She was in da war and all dat. She was an air-raid piggy – ad to squeal when she saw any of dem Nazi planes and dat flying overhead – pwoper hero she was. Her passing, if it should come to dat, would be a sad day in da Disco household innit… mind you she’s facking loaded so let the good times and da turntables roll!
Anyways, listen to me cracking on about nuffink – I has got some vinyl to dig out for tonight’s sugar shed shenanigans! Get der early Pig fans it’s going to be a crackling night of porky phat phun!
Waste of Time ft The Delighted Landlord – £15 just to get into my own local
Eric Pickles and the Cheese Crew – Leave it Barry, let’s just all have a drink yeah?
What’s the Point? – In bed by 10.30
FredMau5 – Right said Fred
Tinnie Tiddly Ft MC Shoehorn – Can’t Make Luv Tonight
Robert Kilometres – Bowl Clutcher (Hold back my hair)
The Over Friendly Strangers – What you looking at (it ain’t got no label on it)
West Street Boyz – Lager on my whities, vodka on my loafers
Phat Boy Phat – It’s raining (door) men
The Checked Shirts – Don’t encourage him, Sandra
Calvin’s Klein’s – Pants up high, trousers down low
The Bog Gropers Ft MC Smarm – Hanging around outside da Ladies
Disorientated Scoundrel (Ft Almond Van Nut) – Conkers
Rogan Josh Project – Infinity Naanty Naanies (time for a Ruby)
The Kebab Krew – You want everything on, boss?
Street Fighters (Ft DJ Punch Drunk) – Oh heavens, Andrea, I appear to have dropped my chips
The Beer Scooters – La, la, la, la, la, lager, bit, bit, bit, bitter, vod, vod, vod, vodka, she, she, she, sherry
The Misguided (Ft MC Testosterone) – Yes, she probably IS a lesbian, Stuart
DJ Morning After – Very dark in colour, but it floats
Jingle da bells, jungle bellz, jingle da bellz. Stop. Swine-rewind!!!! Ya know it! It’s da pig coming at ya like a Lidl Stollen!
I bin getting the monies in ready fo Christmas coz I want to treat ma nan to a fierce foot spa dey got on special down at Boots. She totally worth it bruv!
Disco pig been working in one of those Christmas seasonal shops init. And man he be getting bored of Christmas songs on da shop stereo! Serious, if I hear Mariah Carey singin’ about what she want fo Christmas one more time, dere’ll be a crime. Nah, but serious, dere will…
Anyz, ‘ere’s da latest festive stampin’ tunez all wrapped up just fo youz.
Biff Clitchard – Time to buy a new calendar
Bradford Moped Group – Stop! Carry on.
Ashes Misery – I put five on it
Neonicotinoid Pesticides – Brian’s off to Lowestoft again
Megaquake – The thrill of cheese
Barry Goblin (ft. Frankie Ankles) – Shambolic log flume
Hemplegrunt Mupderspinch – Tra-la-la-la-la-faraldo-gadzooks-euro
Mincing Pies – Fabulously stuffed
Grumpy Dad – You can open them after dinner
High street Robbery – Seasonal price rise (saw ya comin’ reprise mix)
The Geordie Sores – Herod as a toad
Spatch! – No honestly Claire, I’ve always wanted a slanket. Lovely.
Unauthorised Entry – Stuck up your chimney
Schlump, schlump, schlump, weep, weep, WEEEP! Big greetings to ya ma’ tribe of trotterlytes! It’s ‘da’ pig comin’ atcha like a tube o’ Smarties.
Last week, Disco Pig been helping out his blud, Plumbing Pig, puttin’ in some on-suites in a swanky development in da’ ‘burbs. It was haaaard work and I been sufferin’ with grout-snout ever since. Na’ cool at all.
Anyway, we got tru it listening to some choice tunz on the ghetto blaster. Check out deez beday bangers!
Norris Cheeseweight and the Horn Bags – Blue Water is a place on Earth
Wrong Direction – Wrong. Just plain wrong
The White Gloves – Cue-balls in ma pockets (chalk in my heart)
Jazz Chicken (ft. Andy Coleslaw) – Honestly Gertrude, none of us are safe
Brighton Grammar – The song what we did write
Attic Spades – What’s your shed at?
The Young and Hip-Trendy – Amazeballs! Now get out
La Rochelle – Où est la plage?
Desmond Double Decker – Eating makes my jaw sore
The Osrams – Ele-mental horses (Waaah!…Waaah!)
Sizzle Chicks – Lost shuttlecocks tell no lies
Dustin Lumberjack – International Monetary Funk
Diggin’ da piggy! Diggin’ da piggy ! Diggin’ da piggy! SWINE-OVERLORD!
Ya, das right, it Disco pig comin’ atcha like a bag of Fruitella!
Me and ma pig-brudda’s be all tearing up da clubs fo sho and Disco pig, he been spinning da platterz wot matterz iniit? In fact, Disco Pig been spinnin’ other platterz coz he been doin’ Come Dine Wiv Me on the T of V. Last night, Disco Pig had Delroy Pearson from Five Star, Vicki Michelle from dat Allo, Allo and Leonard Fenton who is Mister Dr. Legg from da Eastenders. Disco Pig won wiv his Moroccan inspired Kefta and chips. Dat some tasty dish I laid on them muthas. Fenton was well gutted.
Anywayz, time for Disco Pig to give out me musical advice from his bass-bin of tail-twirlers. Dis gonna mess ya right up!
Ramm Jamm and Gran Spam – Feed it some liver and let it live
The Spellbound Toddlers – Bright colours
Fracking Marvelous – Spanklebracelet
The Budleigh Salterton Cruize Party – Bowling green tragedy
Bobby Halitosis – Huffing in ya hand
The Ocelot Bombers – Whispering tramp, proud at heart
They Might be Muffins – Cup cake mix up
Antimacassar – Greasy marks
Toast Float ft. Spanish Graham – Fold them before they crease (ee-zee iron remix)
Consuming the Boat – Even the oars
The Unhappy Camper – Loving in the stoat bunkers
Bum-Taps – Rear ended (by your huge love vehicle)
Incredible Nazi Goldfish – Fish tash and no lighthouse
Miss Kia-Ora – Seven year warranty
Potato Party Ft. PSY – Salty banquet
Woop woop piggy swiiiiinnnnggg piggy piggy. Know dat. Yeah dat’s right, da pig is here, bangin on ya ears like a massive snowman of tuuuuuunes! What I mean bruv!
Disco pig, he been layin low for a coupla weeks. Da Solid Hog Crew, dey bin movin in on me patch and kickin up a whole heapa trouble wit ma bruvahs. I been planning a comeback of biblical size man! Gonna hit em wit some of my favourite snout bangers on da weekend. Dem bruvas not gonna know wat hit em! Turn up these tooooooons!
Ghastly Chocolate – Certain it’s carob
Judge in Session – Bang that gavel (to the beat of the drum)
Massive Tea Chest – You say it, I call it, he made it
A Guy Called Key – Show it you’re furious and it’ll back down
Faulty bricks – Kick it like a hamster
Distribution – Moving on out (of the depot)
The Mighty Q Pushers – I think you’ll find I was next
Bastion of Moss – The Kenilworth sessions
Last Chop in the Shop – Lookin’ Good (feeling jaded)
Base Model Vectra – Wind up windows and no alloys
The Kenneth Greasy Project– Ghosts in the windmill
Baritone Rising – Pie floater
Some People – Have no respect (tsk! remix)
The Shoddy Craftsman – Left my drill in the pub again
Sally Silly Sadly Society featuring Heidi-Holes – Chicken fillets
Historic Environments – Dusting the Burmese
Unsolicited Calls – Don’t hang up!
2pm Leaving the Cinema – I expected it to be dark outside
Peter Feet and the Convivial Jugglers – One up, two up, three up…. awwww
More top tunes and maybe a double leaning jowler from Disco Pig soon…
It appears Disco Pig has been away… here the man himself picks up the story…
Aiieee – what is da matter wiv dem five-os innit? Disco Pig ain’t been able to update his loyal ungulate followers cos he has been banged up in da slammer innit. On some trumped up charge innit. Dey say, da five-os dat is, dat yours truly was out smashin’ up ‘is hood and rioting an lootin an that when da weather was blazing hotter than blazing squad’s underpants over da weekend. Dey say I knicked two car stereo and dat washing machine innit from Curry’s flecking digical. Disco Pig were nowhere near da joint! Dem stereos were all legally purchased and that for ma sistas birfday. Sheet – Disco Pig ain’t talkin to da haters man – talk to da trotter cos da snout is on holidays, camping in Cornwall or sumfink…sheet
Anydeways er is da bossin, basin toons from my time in da slammer over de summa hear me know my little piglets of passion – get your ear toobes around this stonkers…sheet
DJ Vaseline feat MC Hardofhearing – Smooth it in easy rider
The Sheds of Bromley – Why won’t Rosemary come down from the roof (it’s going to rain)
Machine Gun Noises – Ack, ack, ack, shakka, shakka, ack, ack, ack
Trail of Snacks –Frazzle, Pork Pie, Wotsit, Wotsit
The Motherflumpers – Flump You, Motherflumper
Tinchy Temper – It takes a lot to get me cross, but when I go.. goodness me!
Gastric Band ft The Hulk – That’s three ripped shirts this week, I think you’re stressed
The Muggs – Are you mugging me off in the mug shop, mug?
The Otter Knees – Ha ha you fell off your BMX ha ha
Gum Rash feat. DJ Corsodyl – Can’t eat my vegetables can I go to Bicester now?
Trip to A&E – Caught my Jacobs on a slated bench
Banglebert Stumpydick – Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang (Part II)
Lawrence and his Arabian Machine – Blowfish sweat, blowfish die
Directions to the chemist – Turn right at the roundabout, just next to Budgens
The Acid Kings – Weeee are the National Westminster Bank Piggeeeess
DJ Chicksticks – If you don’t, you’ll regret it
Moterhome – The Ace of Shovels
Fishbender and the wonky fins – Amanda, the Findus Crispy Pancakes are too hot
MC Mitchell Brother – It’s Kelloggs Fruit and Fibre every day
Mmmm… well ,quite. More phat-tuned porcine piggery-jokery next time folks…..