Life of Si

Lifesyle guru, agony uncle and part time Maritime histologist, Simon Thrombosis helps you through the stress and anguish of the proper British Christmas.*

 

bottles

Christmas

Nathen Cookworks from Scunge writes – Dear Si, Every year I dread Christmas. My partner tends to get drunk in the kitchen where she claims to be cooking the Christmas Feast, but she is in fact draining the festive stock of alcohol. She doesn’t drink at all for the rest of the year but is uncontrollable on the 25th. Last year it was so bad, she got totally confused, serving us dinner consisting of a packet of fig roles stuffed in a tramp’s vest. Just what can I do?

Si writes – I think you’re being a little unreasonable Nathen. Christmas day is all about guilt-free morning alcohol consumption, peaking at around 11.30am and quaffing just enough booze to keep you in a slightly fuzzy festive fug until you fall asleep in front of an animated children’s film at 3pm. Your partner is simply not used to acknowledging the peak and is instead, tipping ‘over the abyss’.

Maybe you can try keeping her off of the bucks-fizz for the morning, thus allowing her to complete the Turkey before she goes ‘past the post’.

Either that or you could stop being critical and cook it yourself.

 

old banger

Inappropriate

Mavis Loaf from Buttercludge Ho writes – Maybe you can advise Si? My sister has a habit of buying inappropriate gifts for people. For example, our cousin, Bertie, has a terrible swede allergy, but last year, my sister bought him an elderly second hand SAAB. Another year, she bought a subscription to the Daily Mail for her friend who suffers from hypertension. I won’t go into her gift for the local Vicar, but I will say he’ll never look at a pair of mittens in the same way ever again. My sister seems entirely unaware of the Christmas carnage that she unleashes and she is a sensitive soul. How can I broach the subject to her?

Si writes – Mavis, I have seen this behaviour before. One client I counselled had paid to have an air rifle adapted to fire peanuts for his best friend who suffered an extreme allergy to them. Another had commissioned a local sculptor to create a nine foot statue of the devil for his staunchly God-fearing Aunt.

Indeed, I believe it to be a form of consumerist Tourette’s where the present buyer compulsively purchases the most offensive item regardless of the price. Sadly, I have yet to encounter an effective cure.

Warn everyone beforehand and expect the worse.

 

Jacqui Holepunch from Clevis-on-the-Pin writes – Festive greetings to you Si! I am a naturally happy go lucky gal who loves a good old laugh and is rarely even slightly vexed. But my problem is that I get cheeky little mood-swings whenever I encounter someone who is negative towards my positivity. Indeed, I put a man in hospital when he asked why I was so cheerful. He never came out again. So my teeny weeny problem could probably do with some of your lovely advice if you’d be a fine fellow? No pressure, but I do know where you live (love what you’ve done with the place)!

Si writes – Hey Jacqui!!!! Gosh, I can’t believe that people could be down on you for being cheerful!!!! LOL!!! Don’t change a thing eh? It’s all them and not you at all. Goodness no!

Hope everything’s well and goodwill to all men I say!!

 

Si will be back after the Holidays and when he’s had all of his locks replaced.

*Disclaimer – advice may not be either accurate or in any way useful. MonkeyBroth accepts no responsibility with the use or misuse of Simon’s comments.

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Disco Pig

Pig in a hat
Jungle bellz…

Jingle da bells, jungle bellz, jingle da bellz. Stop. Swine-rewind!!!! Ya know it! It’s da pig coming at ya like a Lidl Stollen!

I bin getting the monies in ready fo Christmas coz I want to treat ma nan to a fierce foot spa dey got on special down at Boots. She totally worth it bruv!

Disco pig been working in one of those Christmas seasonal shops init. And man he be getting bored of Christmas songs on da shop stereo! Serious, if I hear Mariah Carey singin’ about what she want fo Christmas one more time, dere’ll be a crime. Nah, but serious, dere will…

Anyz, ‘ere’s da latest festive stampin’ tunez all wrapped up just fo youz.

 

Biff Clitchard – Time to buy a new calendar

Bradford Moped Group – Stop! Carry on.

Ashes Misery – I put five on it

Neonicotinoid Pesticides – Brian’s off to Lowestoft again

Megaquake – The thrill of cheese

Barry Goblin (ft. Frankie Ankles) – Shambolic log flume

Hemplegrunt Mupderspinch – Tra-la-la-la-la-faraldo-gadzooks-euro

Mincing Pies – Fabulously stuffed

Grumpy Dad – You can open them after dinner

High street Robbery – Seasonal price rise (saw ya comin’ reprise mix)

The Geordie Sores – Herod as a toad

Spatch! – No honestly Claire, I’ve always wanted a slanket. Lovely.

Unauthorised Entry – Stuck up your chimney


Disco Pig

Pig in a hat

Well, we had to make it look a bit Festive.

Whaaaaaaaatuuuuupp swifty piggggieeeeees! Yeah, it the X of Mas already and Disco pig, he be as happy about it as a pig in brandy butter.

The pig-crib is ram full of tinsel and ma bruvs, they be out singin’ Carols and grabbin’ some cash for it. Dem boys can hold a descant like swine angels!
So, Disco Pig gonna hit wrap you up with some cataclysmic hoof-thumpas to help ya festivities along. An’ stick a bow on it. Piggy style…

 

The Shoe Horns Ft. Barry Goblin – Smacking the stoat

Alzheimer’s Collective – Do they know it’s Christmas?

Swedish Salmon – Gravlax be thy name

Flute up the shoot – Acolyte gravy

Fat Man Beard – Pulling a Cracker

Neon Orange Tan – The Ballad of Lakeside

Mythical Maps – So here it is. Merry Christmas

Strangely Green Movement – Red wine before bed

The Presents Present Presidents – Daryl’s had all the best biscuits yet again

Derrick Hailstone and the Overwrought Working Party – Mighty are the whelk

Pointing out the Bleeding Obvious – So this is Christmas

Oliver Turkey Baste – Unusual Soup

Chaser Lights – Fuse Trippin’

Made Up Terms – Crowd Sourcing Ideas

Fire Hazard – Stockings by the Fire

 

Well… inspired. I’m sure Disco Pig will be back soon enough in the New Year. So that’s good I suppose.


A Christmas message from the Very Reverend Archbishop of Toad-in-the-Wold, Dr Robert Carolgees

OMG…it’s nearly Christmas! How excited are we here at Monkeybroth Towers? Very, that’s how much. Which is a lot.

We’ve had a brilliant time decorating the office – in fact we’ve never laughed so much especially when Barry from Accounts fell off the stepladder through a suspiciously-left-open window. He plunged three floors down to his death, but it’s what he would have wanted. They’ll be picking bits of his Reindeer-themed Christmas sweater out of the cracks in the pavement for months to come. Fantastic stuff. It all happened this morning, but we can’t grieve Barry’s sad demise for ever. Onwards and upwards eh? although in Barry’s case it was more outwards and downwards.

Anyway, in the spirit of the festive season here’s a special Christmas message from the Very Right Reverend Dr Robert Carolgees.

A special Christmas message from the Very Right Reverend Archbishop of Toad-in-the-Wold, Dr Robert Carolgees

Mmmm… you catch me enjoying a rare break from my ecclesiastical duties, sipping on what my live-in help Gumpert rather optimistically billed as a café latte. All froth and not much substance, a description I could happily divert to the lithe South American who shares my home. Christmas is, of course, a special moment for Christians around the globe but I wonder how many realise that it’s a time of great significance for badgers too? I like to think of myself as being progressive; I embrace new church theories and investigations into the finer point of scripture with an open mind and open legs.

The Catholic Church has led many such investigations which, as many readers will know, led to many aubergines being beautified and declared as saints as late as 1978. The church has also sought to martyrize a single colony of Leatherback Turtles who were found adrift and quite dead off the coast of Bora Bora in 1992. History fans will recall that the quite dead mammals were floating in the shape of the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. As hungry seagulls swooped to peck out the eyes of the deceased flotilla of amphibious marine mammals, many observers likened them to small white flying Roman soldiers, honking and barracking the whole scene.

Regular readers of this column will know that my thoughts are likely to be interrupted any minute now by Gumpert and they won’t be disappointed to hear that at that very minute my sinewy live-in help burst into my conservatory-cum-nook brandishing what appeared to be a bespangled star with a limp bit of thread hanging rather droopily from a hook at the top. On closer inspection it transpired that the object was actually in fact a bespangled star with a limp bit of thread hanging rather droopily from a hook at the top.

Gumpert’s face was positively beetroot in colour and  in taste as I was to later discover, as he stomped towards my high back leather chair, so kindly provided to me by my parishioners. His flimsy cotton t-shirt was also ripped just above his left breast I noticed, before my gaze was interrupted by the sight of the star flying through the air towards my torso. Thankfully Gumpert’s normally trusty aim was askew on this occasion and the star landed gently onto the soft Persian carpet, so kindly provided to me by my parishioners, beneath my slippered feet.

Gumpert had moodily grunted his plans to me that morning and these were confirmed by his earlier thrashings and tossings in the small cupboard under the stairs where the Christmas decorations are stored.

He had a fine film of perspiration on his head and shoulders and I noticed a few drips were now starting to weave their way down the curve of his neck into the nook nestling above his by now exposed collar bone. Given Gumpert’s gruntings that morning I had an idea that he was now engaged in erecting our newly bought Norway Spruce Christmas tree and had spent much of the previous two hours rummaging around for the festive baubles and nick-knacks.

As Gumpert stomped moodily towards the drawing room I resigned myself to the task of curing whatever was clearly ailing him. As regular readers will know I am normally confronted by utter chaos of some kind – flapping underpants on the clothes line or angry wasps greedily slurping up the mess left behind by Gumpert’s efforts to make jam and toast. However, on this occasion the scene in the drawing room was one of festive serenity. Gumpert’s sweaty efforts had, for once, managed to produce a great erection. The tree stood tall and tumescent in the winter half-light and I could see that Gumpert had managed to get his baubles out and was clearly proud of them as they rested gently atop the tree’s lower boughs.

Irked though I was by having to place on hold the particular knotty seven across in that morning’s Guardian, I was intrigued to understand the underlying cause of Gumpert’s clear disgruntlement. As he rolled one of his foul-smelling Moroccan cigarillos, Gumpert nodded grumpily towards the aforementioned star which was now resting on the solid oak coffee table, so kindly provided to me by my parishioners. I understood the root cause of his ire, but how was I, at just 5ft 6ins in my stockinginged feet, going to be able to place the star in its rightful place at the top of the festive horticultural item?

At that very moment the kitchen behind me was bathed in a strange, ethereal light. I do believe the Lord spoke to me at that very moment. As I turned to drink in the glorious illumination I noticed that the light was concentrating on a pair of stepladders left behind by one of the tradesmen who had been employed by Gumpert to clear out some outbuilding guttering. The afternoon, if I recall, had turned into a quite a late night for the pair as I believe Gumpert had asked his new found friend to help clear out his back cupboard. There was certainly much grunting and groaning emanating from Gumpert’s room as the two men went hard at the task in hand throughout most of that evening.

As the light glinted off the stepladder my path suddenly became clear. Why, by just mounting the stepladder near to the tree I could climb up and place the star atop the festive tree. What could have taken many days of mental problem solving had been resolved in a matter of moments! Verily the Lord doth move in mysterious ways!

The Very Right Reverend Dr Robert Carolgees will be leading a special Christmas Eve service from 4pm until 6pm at the St David of Essex Church, Oddstain, Biffordshire. The service is not suitable for those with light-sensitive epilepsy or a fear of ungulates.