Lifesyle guru, agony uncle and part time Maritime histologist, Simon Thrombosis helps you through the stress and anguish of the proper British Christmas.*
Nathen Cookworks from Scunge writes – Dear Si, Every year I dread Christmas. My partner tends to get drunk in the kitchen where she claims to be cooking the Christmas Feast, but she is in fact draining the festive stock of alcohol. She doesn’t drink at all for the rest of the year but is uncontrollable on the 25th. Last year it was so bad, she got totally confused, serving us dinner consisting of a packet of fig roles stuffed in a tramp’s vest. Just what can I do?
Si writes – I think you’re being a little unreasonable Nathen. Christmas day is all about guilt-free morning alcohol consumption, peaking at around 11.30am and quaffing just enough booze to keep you in a slightly fuzzy festive fug until you fall asleep in front of an animated children’s film at 3pm. Your partner is simply not used to acknowledging the peak and is instead, tipping ‘over the abyss’.
Maybe you can try keeping her off of the bucks-fizz for the morning, thus allowing her to complete the Turkey before she goes ‘past the post’.
Either that or you could stop being critical and cook it yourself.
Mavis Loaf from Buttercludge Ho writes – Maybe you can advise Si? My sister has a habit of buying inappropriate gifts for people. For example, our cousin, Bertie, has a terrible swede allergy, but last year, my sister bought him an elderly second hand SAAB. Another year, she bought a subscription to the Daily Mail for her friend who suffers from hypertension. I won’t go into her gift for the local Vicar, but I will say he’ll never look at a pair of mittens in the same way ever again. My sister seems entirely unaware of the Christmas carnage that she unleashes and she is a sensitive soul. How can I broach the subject to her?
Si writes – Mavis, I have seen this behaviour before. One client I counselled had paid to have an air rifle adapted to fire peanuts for his best friend who suffered an extreme allergy to them. Another had commissioned a local sculptor to create a nine foot statue of the devil for his staunchly God-fearing Aunt.
Indeed, I believe it to be a form of consumerist Tourette’s where the present buyer compulsively purchases the most offensive item regardless of the price. Sadly, I have yet to encounter an effective cure.
Warn everyone beforehand and expect the worse.
Jacqui Holepunch from Clevis-on-the-Pin writes – Festive greetings to you Si! I am a naturally happy go lucky gal who loves a good old laugh and is rarely even slightly vexed. But my problem is that I get cheeky little mood-swings whenever I encounter someone who is negative towards my positivity. Indeed, I put a man in hospital when he asked why I was so cheerful. He never came out again. So my teeny weeny problem could probably do with some of your lovely advice if you’d be a fine fellow? No pressure, but I do know where you live (love what you’ve done with the place)!
Si writes – Hey Jacqui!!!! Gosh, I can’t believe that people could be down on you for being cheerful!!!! LOL!!! Don’t change a thing eh? It’s all them and not you at all. Goodness no!
Hope everything’s well and goodwill to all men I say!!
Si will be back after the Holidays and when he’s had all of his locks replaced.
*Disclaimer – advice may not be either accurate or in any way useful. MonkeyBroth accepts no responsibility with the use or misuse of Simon’s comments.
Our resident lifestyle guru, Agony Uncle and part time Tosher, Simon Thrombosis, returns to help you with life’s little problems. Not that little rash though, that’s your fault for eating strawberries. We told you not to.
Calvin Horsewhip of Lower Grunting writes – Dear Si, I’ve recently taken up weightlifting but I’ve found that my lovely wife seems to have lost interest in me recently. I have noticed that she has been catching the eye of the lad at the fishmongers who is built like a Twiglet. Why is this happening when I’m getting increasingly buff and bulked up?
Si Writes – Oh dear Cal, I’m going to guess that your wife is massive. At the end of the day, biffers go for their weight-opposite in a futile attempt for cosmic balance. Many believe that this is due to a built-in primeval belief that, in the event of spawning offspring, the resulting child will be genetically pre-programmed as a mean average of the parent’s weight. Personally I think it just ends up with fat kids. The fat gene is clearly dominant. Either you need to skinny-up or she does – either of these will balance the seesaw.
Terry Tuppence of Hairy Mole writes – Hope you can help Si. My partner is driving me mad with his obsession for scatter cushions. Seriously, we are drowning in them and he keeps bringing more home! Our sitting room has over 2,000 of them lying around and the couch collapsed last week from the soft-furnishing onslaught. I think he has a problem. Please help – I’ve just found more in our Fiesta!!
Si Writes – Terry, sadly this type of obsessive behaviour is increasingly common. Just last week, I was called to the house of a farmer who had an almost unshakable addiction to lace doilies. When the fire-crew finally dragged him out of his cottage he was still desperately browsing the Selfridges website trying to buy more. Very sad. The best way forward is to try and displace the obsession with something less material. Some of the best recoveries have been made by transferring the victims on to another fad that has no physical presence such as imaginary friends. It’s an ideal scenario for all as they don’t take up any space and are easy to collect. Best of luck Terry.
Amanda Tubes of Weighsaton writes – Si, last week the current Mr. Tubes asked me where we are going on holiday. I’ve been hiding the fact that I spent our holiday funds on Laura Ashley print dresses and Airfix Messerschmitts (my own personal vice). I’m not sure what to tell him to be honest, as there is only £80 left in the kitty and I can’t see that going far in Cephalonia. What can I do?
SI writes – Frankly, I’d be surprised if your husband doesn’t know already as I imagine the smell of drying Humbrol paints is a giveaway. This reminds me of a startlingly similar situation with a former client of mine. He spent the electricity money on model tanks. He didn’t know what to tell his wife so he covered himself in the camouflage decals for the tanks and hid down the garden in amongst the Pyracantha. Eventually, I managed to coax the badly wounded chap out and off to hospital. In your case, I would sit down and explain to your husband that you’re going to make a den under the dinner table using an old blanket and you are both going have a holiday in your own house using your imaginations. Hey Amanda, it might actually be fun!
More of Si’s unqualified (as we’ve found out) advice soon folks…
Simon Thrombosis, MonkeyBroth’s guru of both ‘life’ and ‘style’ and part-time chiropodist, is back to solve those daily lifestyle concerns. You know the style of them – the life ones? Yes those.
Donny Callforward of Spongy Marsh writes – Dear Si, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom recently. I don’t think my wife is attracted to me since I lost my job at the fishmongers. I’m worried that she no longer respects me now that I’m out of work. What can I do to improve things as I feel so impotent?
SI writes – Speaking as a hot bloodied man, I pity you Donny. Best thing? Go out down the scummiest local boozer you can find and have a fling with some skanky piece of tail. Make sure you are clearly seen or, if possible, get caught in the act by your wife.
Make her feel as small as you feel Donny. Yesssss….that’s the way.
Either that or get another job or something.
Matthew Handcream of Lower Spatch writes – Si, I hope you can help as I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m worried that my son has never had a girlfriend and doesn’t hang out with the other local lads. He doesn’t like football, rugby or beer and spends most of his time watching old videos of Strictly Come Dancing or Friends whilst sipping cocktails and wearing a purple silk gown. He’s 20 years old and I just can’t talk to him any more.
Si writes: Clearly Matthew, your son is just confused about female lady parts and just needs a good poke in the right direction. Buy him a call-girl as a fatherly gift and get him sowing his manly oats.
Failing that, it could be that he just prefers men’s bottoms to ladies.
Barty Alkaline of Steffi on the Graf writes – I really need some advice Si. I’m stuck on the last Gollum Master boss in Call of Wizards – The Meeting 2. I’ve levelled my Wizard, Xylion the Brash, up to 2000XP and have the wind waffle power-up equipped, but he keeps breaking my defence with his Mighty Spank Batton of Kaxel. Would the Cantilever Uttering of Zook be a better magic attack or do I need to tackle his minions of Flark before turning my attention to his weak-spot?
Si writes – Barty, I have no idea what you’re on about. Go and get yourself laid.
Is it over? Good! Right… off to the damage limitation meeting we go.