Finley ‘Handy squares’ Squirrel-Mash, born Scandal-on-Rye, Biffordshire son of Bunty and Dorf Squirrel-Mash sadly died of break-beat while fixing a leaky arial.
Finley was best known for his time in the Royal Agricultural Paramilitary regiment – having been awarded the green cross by the National Trust for bravery in the face of Japanese Knot weed during the great Boscastle Rocky Valley outbreak. His fearless and innovative approach to eradication involved donning a lightweight poly-tunnel, shouting a great deal and swinging a scythe like he was batting for the Biffordshire under 4’s team.
After service, Finley set his commendable mind towards the running of his father’s business, Squirrel Mash and Pye Inc – a business that was very much the fore-runner to the modern kettle descaler service that has become quite the fashion. Back in the heyday, it was quite unthinkable for a person of standing to have a kettle that was not SM & P Inc-cleansed.
His greatest love, as ever, was his collection of antique spaniels. He was oft seen capering across the Scandal-on-Rye broads with a motley selection of arthritic sad-eyed Cockers. He leaves behind Airfix, Leggy No-Legs, Afterthought and Merry Tail who have been provided for by the Slapton stiff dog rescue.
Green-fingered Hero, canine farther and occasionally faithful husband, he leaves behind his beloved wife Hollyoaks and two children, whose names we’ve forgotten. They’re rotters anyway.
BIRTHS, DEATHS AND MARRIAGES
Monkeybroth is deflated to bring you the latest round up of personal announcements from across Biffordshire. The county clearly has got it going ON. We need to add our own sad news to these announcements. Frank, the office goose here at Monkeybroth Towers, passed away gently in his sleep on Friday night. He was six and leaves behind a wife Gloria and 234 goslings. We used to hook Frank up to the office fax machine and took great delight in pulling the archaic communications from his beak. He was a real joker and used to make great cappuccinos. A sad, sad loss. Still never mind, we can’t sit around here all day crying over dead geese.
A SON! Mr and Mrs Michael Go-Cat of Trumpet Avenue, Badcheek have found a baby under the pampas grass in their front garden. While the Go-Cats are keen roundabouters they don’t think it’s been there since their last roundabout party with other couples from the neighbourhood, nine months ago. Anyway, they have provisionally called the baby Eczema, so if it’s yours come and claim little Eczema by ringing Badcheek, 69696969
ANOTHER SON! Barry and Petunia Pink-Floyd of Grassyknees, Biffordshire are delighted to announce the birth of their son Aardvark, a brother to the couples’ twin daughters, Ant-Eater and Jane. To celebrate, the family are hosting an open event in the grounds of Stuart Hall, Grassyknees’ sumptuous Elizabethan house. All are welcome, but asthmatics are asked to book in advance.
MR ARTHUR CABINET of Whisk is saddened to announce the sad passing of his mother. Varnish Gladys used to work at Woolworths where she would lick the flying saucers before placing them in the pick ‘n’ mix buckets. A former test pilot for NASA, Varnish went into steady decline over the last few months although still managed to delight younger family members by inviting them to find the Cornettos she had hidden around her body. Donations to the British Fart Houndation please.
A DAUGHTER! George and Mildred Thunderstorm of Barrygibb, Biffordshire are pleased to announce the birth of their first daughter, Steve, a sister to the couple’s sons, Angela and Octavia. The Thunderstorms are delighted to have a daughter after all this time and they have already enrolled young Steve in the Barrygibb Academy for Ladies with Boys Names. The Christening takes place next Tuesday when Archbishop Dr Robert Carolgees will be officiating. He’s doing it in his new leather jacket, kindly provided to him by his parishioners.
Hello there. My name is Carter Unstoppablesexmachine, and I am the editor and founder of the Mimsey-on-the-Mold Gazette. We cover the whole of west Biffordshire and if hasn’t happened in west Biffordshire then as far as myself and the editorial team are concerned it hasn’t happened at all. That’s what we said about the moon landings and we are sticking to it. Anyway, you could have struck me down with a Ford Mondeo instruction manual the other week. In part, that’s due to the fact that I got an email direct from Monkeybroth Towers asking me most kindly if I could re-supply some of the birth, death and marriage notices we get for the Gazette for publishing on everyone’s most hated blog-cum- arse shatteringly numb-holed rubbish website thing. I was halfway through a pack of Midgen’s Moist Chicken and Hazelnut flavour Marvels at the time.. so as you can imagine it was quite a shock…anyway as promised…
A Boy! – Mr and Mrs A. Pringletube of Fortescue Road, Gunge, are delighted to announce the safe arrival of their baby boy, Dennis. A brother to the Pringletube’s daughters, Germuntude and Half-fist the slovenly. No flowers please but high salt content crisps and snacks can be scattered on the happy family’s lawn during the hours of darkness by way of celebrating this worrying turn of events.
Another Boy! – Mr and Mrs George Armchair of Frankly-Speaking Avenue, Clumtit, have gone and done it again! Please welcome into the world their newest bundle of joy, Sofa. Sofa is the Armchair’s fifth child and comes soon after the birth of their daughter Scatter-Cushion. Tragically the family recently lost eldest son Footstool who had to be returned to DFS due to a wonky caster wheel. Throws and ornamental knick knacks welcome.
I’ve finally done it! After years of hiding in her hedge, my beautiful girlfriend has finally agreed to be my wife! Thank you Prawny, you’ve made me, Criggs Bathingsphere, the happiest man in Biffordshire! Oh and no probs re the pre-nuptials sweetheart… if I leave you of course you can beat my Uncle Steven into a bloody pulp outside the Horse and Hounds. Love you!
Sweet Jesus – shaped lollipops for everyone! Mr and Mrs Drab-Crab are delighted to announce the marriage of their only daughter Spatula to Mr Kevin Slab of 44, Rubic Cube Lane, Penistron, Owlford. The marriage will take place at our Lady of the Ginster Eaters church in Mimsey on Christmas Eve 2012. We know – on Christmas Eve. Like we don’t have enough to do. It won’t last anyway.
Sad passing – It is with deep regret that we must announce the passing of Tulip Rose Flower. Tulip was in her 120s when she finally met Jesus in heaven. Cantankerous to the end, Tulip certainly kept her family on her toes – particularly when her legs went missing during last week’s thunderstorm. A fitting way to remember her we think. Her memorial service will take place at St Gareth Gates Church of the Afflicted, in Bumwipe, Penistron next Tuesday. Ironically Tulip requested that she have no flowers at her funeral, but you can bring them anyway if you want. Alternatively please bring a spare pair of shoes in memorandum of this lovely, if slighty erratic old lady. Arrr sad innit?