Finley ‘Handy squares’ Squirrel-Mash, born Scandal-on-Rye, Biffordshire son of Bunty and Dorf Squirrel-Mash sadly died of break-beat while fixing a leaky arial.
Finley was best known for his time in the Royal Agricultural Paramilitary regiment – having been awarded the green cross by the National Trust for bravery in the face of Japanese Knot weed during the great Boscastle Rocky Valley outbreak. His fearless and innovative approach to eradication involved donning a lightweight poly-tunnel, shouting a great deal and swinging a scythe like he was batting for the Biffordshire under 4’s team.
After service, Finley set his commendable mind towards the running of his father’s business, Squirrel Mash and Pye Inc – a business that was very much the fore-runner to the modern kettle descaler service that has become quite the fashion. Back in the heyday, it was quite unthinkable for a person of standing to have a kettle that was not SM & P Inc-cleansed.
His greatest love, as ever, was his collection of antique spaniels. He was oft seen capering across the Scandal-on-Rye broads with a motley selection of arthritic sad-eyed Cockers. He leaves behind Airfix, Leggy No-Legs, Afterthought and Merry Tail who have been provided for by the Slapton stiff dog rescue.
Green-fingered Hero, canine farther and occasionally faithful husband, he leaves behind his beloved wife Hollyoaks and two children, whose names we’ve forgotten. They’re rotters anyway.
Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
Phew what a scorcher! We hear on the jungle drums that Abele ‘The Face’ Otter has been on holiday showing off the assets that made her a star! She was captured flouting her fish-tinged whiskers at a $2000-a-night exclusive golf resort for the stars in Malta. Her agent told us – ‘She’s just enjoying life since the marriage break-up that cost her so much emotionally. Abele has always been keen on golf and has built up quite the handicap on the greens!’ We say – Fwourrrrrrr!
Meanwhile, Stickleback front man Chas Beaver has been in trouble with the law again after crashing his one million dollar Italian sports car into a roadside Fondue stand on the Las Vegas strip. Dam! Sources tell us that he spent the night in the cells. A Deputy of the Las Vegas Law Enforcement Department told us – ‘He was clearly not in his right mind, but once he’d come down from whatever he was on, he was sure sorry! He signed some photos and left the next morning. He’s basically a good guy.’ We still say that he’s a gnaw-ty boy!
Oscar winner Oscar ‘The Oscar’ Slow-Worm has revealed that he has a secret passion for collecting old mobile phones. On the set of his latest film, he explained – ‘It started off with a few old Motorolas but sort of snow-balled from there really. I have over 700 classic Nokias alone. They really do worm their way into your affections!’ His words, not ours! Dear God… – Ed.
Finally, New York socialite Gnatty Biteitch has been seen stepping out with yet another one of her personal trainers. This week’s hunky-monkey has been named as Barry Gibbon who had a time in the spotlight as the singer from obscure 80’s New Romantic band – The Swing of Things. His appearance alongside Gnatty has certainly caused quite a buzz!
That’s quite enough of that. Can’t believe we’re paying for this tripe… Tabloid Squirrel will be back for more animal-related shoddiness. Unless we can find a loop-hole in his contract that is.