MonkeyBroth Obituaries – Sir Finley Squirrel-Mash 1946-2016

Finley ‘Handy squares’ Squirrel-Mash, born Scandal-on-Rye, Biffordshire son of Bunty and Dorf Squirrel-Mash sadly died of break-beat while fixing a leaky arial.

Airfix, grieving.

Airfix, grieving.

Finley was best known for his time in the Royal Agricultural Paramilitary regiment – having been awarded the green cross by the National Trust for bravery in the face of Japanese Knot weed during the great Boscastle Rocky Valley outbreak. His fearless and innovative approach to eradication involved donning a lightweight poly-tunnel, shouting a great deal and swinging a scythe like he was batting for the Biffordshire under 4’s team.

After service, Finley set his commendable mind towards the running of his father’s business, Squirrel Mash and Pye Inc – a business that was very much the fore-runner to the modern kettle descaler service that has become quite the fashion. Back in the heyday, it was quite unthinkable for a person of standing to have a kettle that was not SM & P Inc-cleansed.

His greatest love, as ever, was his collection of antique spaniels. He was oft seen capering across the Scandal-on-Rye broads with a motley selection of arthritic sad-eyed Cockers. He leaves behind Airfix, Leggy No-Legs, Afterthought and Merry Tail who have been provided for by the Slapton stiff dog rescue.

Green-fingered Hero, canine farther and occasionally faithful husband, he leaves behind his beloved wife Hollyoaks and two children, whose names we’ve forgotten. They’re rotters anyway.

What ever happened to – The Microsoft help paperclip?

Remember the little tyke that used to pop up while you were writing a letter and proclaim ‘Hey! It looks like you’re writing a letter!’? If you do, then you’re probably wondering right now where he’s spending his days. After all, he was probably a big part of you missive-typing life back in ’97. By gosh, he knew when to help you start doing something that you had already started doing.

We tracked Clint the clip down to his recently opened R&D company – We research and develop things PLC – and discussed his life, his lows and his triumphs.

Monkey Broth – ‘So Clint, you left our monitors without really saying goodbye. What happened?’

Clint – ‘Hey! It looks like you’re interviewing a fictional character! Well, MB. The split between Bill Gates and me was a shock. One day we just chatting away over a cup of Horlicks, and I made a nice comment about the fact that he appeared to be wearing trousers. Frankly he just snapped. I mean he was really angry. That was that really. I was out on my rounded metallic bit by the afternoon.’

MB – ‘After that, you made a living resetting electrical devices and opening stuck CDROM drives for money is that right?’

C – ‘Hey! It looks like you’re asking me about the wilderness years! Yeah, times were rough. Staples were cornering the market really and there wasn’t much interest in a celebrity paper securing device. You get by where you can and those weird little reset switches built into electrical stuff were a life-line. I was bent out of shape for years though.’

MB –‘Harsh. But you straightened yourself out in the end? DON’T DO IT!!’

C – ‘Hey! It looks like…. Sorry, old habits and all that… I spotted a gap in the market for artificial intelligent household items and started We research and develop things PLC about 3 years ago. Obvious really. We’ve worked for some of the big brands including Office World and their self aware laminators and Ravensburger for a series of puzzles that tell you when you’ve put them back in the box.’

MB – ‘Yes, I had one of those. Didn’t really add to the puzzle experience much.’

Can't deny the obvious kettle

Morphy Richards goes AI

B – ‘Never said it would.’

MB – ‘So what’s next for the clip?’

C –‘Well, I’ve we’ve got a contract with Morphy Richards and their kitchen range But I can’t tell you more. There will be a bit of me in it though. You’ll just have to wait and see!’

MB – ‘Thanks Clint, you’re an inspiration to your kind.’

C – ‘Hey! It looks like you’re giving me a compliment!’

MB –‘Careful. I know Uri Geller…’