Woop woop piggy swiiiiinnnnggg piggy piggy. Know dat. Yeah dat’s right, da pig is here, bangin on ya ears like a massive snowman of tuuuuuunes! What I mean bruv!
Disco pig, he been layin low for a coupla weeks. Da Solid Hog Crew, dey bin movin in on me patch and kickin up a whole heapa trouble wit ma bruvahs. I been planning a comeback of biblical size man! Gonna hit em wit some of my favourite snout bangers on da weekend. Dem bruvas not gonna know wat hit em! Turn up these tooooooons!
Ghastly Chocolate – Certain it’s carob
Judge in Session – Bang that gavel (to the beat of the drum)
Massive Tea Chest – You say it, I call it, he made it
A Guy Called Key – Show it you’re furious and it’ll back down
Faulty bricks – Kick it like a hamster
Distribution – Moving on out (of the depot)
The Mighty Q Pushers – I think you’ll find I was next
Bastion of Moss – The Kenilworth sessions
Last Chop in the Shop – Lookin’ Good (feeling jaded)
Base Model Vectra – Wind up windows and no alloys
The Kenneth Greasy Project– Ghosts in the windmill
Baritone Rising – Pie floater
Some People – Have no respect (tsk! remix)
The Shoddy Craftsman – Left my drill in the pub again
Sally Silly Sadly Society featuring Heidi-Holes – Chicken fillets
Historic Environments – Dusting the Burmese
Unsolicited Calls – Don’t hang up!
2pm Leaving the Cinema – I expected it to be dark outside
Peter Feet and the Convivial Jugglers – One up, two up, three up…. awwww
More top tunes and maybe a double leaning jowler from Disco Pig soon…
The aggressive crisp – by Brannigan McCoy
Thrown in anger like a morning star,
The twang of the crisp shattering on my car door,
What brought on this rage from a normal teenager?
Maybe deep-seated reports of shark attack dangers
For this teenager with crisp-dust strewn on upper lip,
Spouting his anger and losing his grip,
Is shouting some nonsense about ‘frumping some chissle’,
That might not be right but it sounded like drivel
So I halted my journey on route to the Vets,
To collect my vole from having its ears reset,
And alighted my vehicle to step to the curb,
To investigate why this teen is perturbed
And then suddenly thought it was only a crisp,
Thrown from his hand with a flick of the wrist,
No matter why this bile came to me with a frown,
I got back in my car and ran the chap down.
Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
Welcome back showbiz fans and have WE got shrews for you? Yes. Yes we have!
First up, Goaty Rapidcorner has been locking horns with socialite, Elky Alces. Oh dear! Apparently they’ve been seen throwing chicken Tikka at each other at a recent garden party. I’ll BET that didn’t curry favour with the hosts!
In other exciting news, the Woodlouski brothers have announced that they are in pre-production for their latest blockbuster – The Gatetrix – Re-Logged, starring the rather stilted acting skills of Koala Leaves. We can only hope that his latest performance will be tree-mendous (that’s enough timber references thank you – Ed).
Elsewhere in the crazy world of Hollywood (last warning – Ed), YOU may HAVE heard that Robin Weevils has been axed from the remake of Dead Stoats Society due to creative differences. Robin has filed a lawsuit claiming age discrimination. An insider at Toadstone Pictures told us ‘Weevils has a problem with the white powder ya know? You can’t trust a smuck like that. He’s hitting up a kilo of self-raising every day.’
Finally, we’re happy to announce that those two love-birds, Maddy and Curtis Ringdove have hatched two new additions to their happy nest. Little Trafalgar-Square and Shop-Sign Ringdove were born on Monday TO a tired but happy Mom and POP! Mother and Chicks are doing well. Coo-chi-coo you two!
Tabloid Squirrel will sadly be back with more lumber-obsessed gossip at some point probably.
Grotesque spout – by Foppy Squeeze-Cheese
As they taxied across,
The cracked asphalt byway,
Fiona the legend,
Was engrossed in some word-play,
A Puzzler mag,
A cheerfully chewed biro,
A grab-bag of Revels,
And a ticket to Cairo
An air-fare paid,
By hazardous means,
Fiona tucked in,
To her aeroplane beans
‘But these are not Heinz’,
She complained to the crew,
It was clear to them,
That Fiona rarely flew
As the plane touched down,
On Egyptian soil,
Fiona triumphed at last,
Seven across – ‘Gargoyle’
Special liveried Fiat Brava SX for sale – going cheep
Fully serviced by Anne Diamond from new. Recent cambelt change carried out by HSBC and professionally valeted by Frankie Boyle (quite a poor job in all honesty). Can be seen in mirrors and through contact lenses etc. Has been professionally painted to look like a sparrow. Genuine reason for sale – I have a pathological fear of sparrows. And Fiats.
Please, please call spaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrppppppppp as soon as possible. It’s looking at me all funny.
For sale or WHY? – Ship and window frame
Full sized 3 mast Clipper and UPVC bathroom window for immediate delivery! Boat can be positioned a long way from window to give a splendid nautical view or positioned closer for more detailed viewing. Window also works with other items placed at strategic distances to give the illusion of depth. Bring 3D to your home without the aid of those unwieldy TVs.
Contact me by flag semaphore or email email@example.com
Goats resolutely not for sale!
Honestly, what do I have to do to stop you guys pestering me for pedigree Bionda dell’Adamello goats? I haven’t any goats at the lowest prices around. My goats (that I do not have) are not on 2 for 1 special offer and are certainly not the best kept goats in Biffordshire. NO GOATS! Geddit? I cannot relieve you of your money for that goat that you’ve always promised yourself.
DO NOT CONTACT ME by my email. Which is firstname.lastname@example.org
Hello there. My name is Carter Unstoppablesexmachine, and I am the editor and founder of the Mimsey-on-the-Mold Gazette. We cover the whole of west Biffordshire and if hasn’t happened in west Biffordshire then as far as myself and the editorial team are concerned it hasn’t happened at all. That’s what we said about the moon landings and we are sticking to it. Anyway, you could have struck me down with a Ford Mondeo instruction manual the other week. In part, that’s due to the fact that I got an email direct from Monkeybroth Towers asking me most kindly if I could re-supply some of the birth, death and marriage notices we get for the Gazette for publishing on everyone’s most hated blog-cum- arse shatteringly numb-holed rubbish website thing. I was halfway through a pack of Midgen’s Moist Chicken and Hazelnut flavour Marvels at the time.. so as you can imagine it was quite a shock…anyway as promised…
A Boy! – Mr and Mrs A. Pringletube of Fortescue Road, Gunge, are delighted to announce the safe arrival of their baby boy, Dennis. A brother to the Pringletube’s daughters, Germuntude and Half-fist the slovenly. No flowers please but high salt content crisps and snacks can be scattered on the happy family’s lawn during the hours of darkness by way of celebrating this worrying turn of events.
Another Boy! – Mr and Mrs George Armchair of Frankly-Speaking Avenue, Clumtit, have gone and done it again! Please welcome into the world their newest bundle of joy, Sofa. Sofa is the Armchair’s fifth child and comes soon after the birth of their daughter Scatter-Cushion. Tragically the family recently lost eldest son Footstool who had to be returned to DFS due to a wonky caster wheel. Throws and ornamental knick knacks welcome.
I’ve finally done it! After years of hiding in her hedge, my beautiful girlfriend has finally agreed to be my wife! Thank you Prawny, you’ve made me, Criggs Bathingsphere, the happiest man in Biffordshire! Oh and no probs re the pre-nuptials sweetheart… if I leave you of course you can beat my Uncle Steven into a bloody pulp outside the Horse and Hounds. Love you!
Sweet Jesus – shaped lollipops for everyone! Mr and Mrs Drab-Crab are delighted to announce the marriage of their only daughter Spatula to Mr Kevin Slab of 44, Rubic Cube Lane, Penistron, Owlford. The marriage will take place at our Lady of the Ginster Eaters church in Mimsey on Christmas Eve 2012. We know – on Christmas Eve. Like we don’t have enough to do. It won’t last anyway.
Sad passing – It is with deep regret that we must announce the passing of Tulip Rose Flower. Tulip was in her 120s when she finally met Jesus in heaven. Cantankerous to the end, Tulip certainly kept her family on her toes – particularly when her legs went missing during last week’s thunderstorm. A fitting way to remember her we think. Her memorial service will take place at St Gareth Gates Church of the Afflicted, in Bumwipe, Penistron next Tuesday. Ironically Tulip requested that she have no flowers at her funeral, but you can bring them anyway if you want. Alternatively please bring a spare pair of shoes in memorandum of this lovely, if slighty erratic old lady. Arrr sad innit?