Poetry corner

Some goats are just a bit like that – by Hoff Bettersmudge

Well, it's clearly a goat

Billy’s rendition of Horace Vandergelder in Hello Dolly! was very well received…

It’s funny to think that long ago,
Goats were oft’ in Broadway shows,
It didn’t matter that far back,
Some goats are just a bit like that

They often hung around backstage,
After their latest sell-out play,
For drinks and nibbles and having the craic,
Some goats are just a bit like that

Often they would tread the boards,
To delight their most admiring hoards,
Until the stage lights fade to black,
Some goats are just a bit like that

Critics said debauched behaviour,
Was not something for one to savour,
Their fans stood up and answered back,
Some goats just aren’t a bit like that


Well, another post involving goats – how original. Next we’ll be mentioning a particular supermarket far too often or something… More poetry soon, no doubt.

Tabloid squirrel

Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!

Tabloid squirrel himself

He loves a bit of wood in the morning.

Welcome back showbiz fans and have WE got shrews for you? Yes. Yes we have!

First up, Goaty Rapidcorner has been locking horns with socialite, Elky Alces. Oh dear! Apparently they’ve been seen throwing chicken Tikka at each other at a recent garden party. I’ll BET that didn’t curry favour with the hosts!

In other exciting news, the Woodlouski brothers have announced that they are in pre-production for their latest blockbuster – The Gatetrix – Re-Logged, starring the rather stilted acting skills of Koala Leaves. We can only hope that his latest performance will be tree-mendous (that’s enough timber references thank you – Ed).

Elsewhere in the crazy world of Hollywood (last warning – Ed), YOU may HAVE heard that Robin Weevils has been axed from the remake of Dead Stoats Society due to creative differences. Robin has filed a lawsuit claiming age discrimination. An insider at Toadstone Pictures told us ‘Weevils has a problem with the white powder ya know? You can’t trust a smuck like that. He’s hitting up a kilo of self-raising every day.’

Finally, we’re happy to announce that those two love-birds, Maddy and Curtis Ringdove have hatched two new additions to their happy nest. Little Trafalgar-Square and Shop-Sign Ringdove were born on Monday TO a tired but happy Mom and POP! Mother and Chicks are doing well. Coo-chi-coo you two!

Tabloid Squirrel will sadly be back with more lumber-obsessed gossip at some point probably.

Monkeybroth classifieds

Special liveried Fiat Brava SX for sale – going cheep
Fully serviced by Anne Diamond from new. Recent cambelt change carried out by HSBC and professionally valeted by Frankie Boyle (quite a poor job in all honesty). Can be seen in mirrors and through contact lenses etc. Has been professionally painted to look like a sparrow. Genuine reason for sale – I have a pathological fear of sparrows. And Fiats.
Please, please call spaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrppppppppp as soon as possible. It’s looking at me all funny.

For sale or WHY? – Ship and window frame
Full sized 3 mast Clipper and UPVC bathroom window for immediate delivery! Boat can be positioned a long way from window to give a splendid nautical view or positioned closer for more detailed viewing. Window also works with other items placed at strategic distances to give the illusion of depth. Bring 3D to your home without the aid of those unwieldy TVs.
Contact me by flag semaphore or email brian@galleondoubleglazing.net

Goats resolutely not for sale!
Honestly, what do I have to do to stop you guys pestering me for pedigree Bionda dell’Adamello goats? I haven’t any goats at the lowest prices around. My goats (that I do not have) are not on 2 for 1 special offer and are certainly not the best kept goats in Biffordshire. NO GOATS! Geddit? I cannot relieve you of your money for that goat that you’ve always promised yourself.
DO NOT CONTACT ME by my email. Which is goodnessihavenogoats@budgie.com

Monkeybroth Classifieds

Connect Four (4) for sale

Spares or repair, nice smell to it but missing half the counters. Remaining counters grind a little on the way down. This upsets our dog hence the sale. Can provide images of war damage if required. No canvass or other water-proof nonsense please.

Contact mbgames@spares.gah!


Incredible Hulk – The Hits! On Sony Minidisc

Wonderful album. Only selling due to syphilis. Slight jam damage to the 2nd track but does not affect the storyline. Includes the tracks ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green (and furious)’, ‘Christ that’s the Third Shirt This Week’ and the timeless ‘Spider Gonna Bite Ya on da Finger Fool’. £15 or may part exchange for Kia Pride or similar.

Call mah, mah, nah, nah, faust…


@@@@@@@Dreams!!!! For Sale@@@@@Look!!!!@@@@GO ON LOOK!!!!!@@@@@

I’ve got your dreams you schnitzel-faced wuss! You want them back, you’re going to have to pay!!! I’m going to ‘play with’ every one of them until you pay up you Copenhagen gouting fuss-pot! Or else! God I’m angry!

Don’t contact me, I’ll contact you…. Probably by text, I’m a busy woman (with your dreams you guppy-faced boil).


Christ on a unicycle – Goats

Seriously, I don’t have any top quality Grisons Striped goats for sale! Please stop contacting me to purchase finest stock goats! These goats are the best you’ll find, but I don’t sell them. Therefore, a transaction involving you, me and any goats is out of the question.

Ignore this contact – nogoatsheremutha@priceynongoats.beh

Monkeybroth classifieds


Do you like goats? Would you like to buy a goat? There are people that sell them you know? But I’m not one of them.

Don’t contact ihavenogoats@gmale.wow as I don’t have any goats to sell.

Plug socket for sale – Great condition

Can power dishwasher or similar appliance. Comes with free electricity (clean 220 volt none of that dirty 110 volt smut). Can be seen working with a Glade Plug In if required. First to see may or may not buy.

Call inthedark@npower.ohm for further confusion.

Professional sighs – Boxed. Mint.

A 12 pack of perfectly preserved sighs from Gail Porter. Vintage: collected pre-alopecia and boxed in a commemorative waxed cardboard box. Perfect gift for a step daughter or distant aunt.

Get in touch on bottledemotions@porterblues.why