Do you have any idea just how seriously we take our public service commitments? I’ll bet you don’t. But let me tell you, it’s all straight faces and grim determination here at MonkeyBroth towers when it comes to bringing you, not just the cutting or bleeding edge information, but the blubbing-whilst-mummy-puts-a-plaster-on-it edge information.
Who you gonna call? Ghost Scissors that’s who! If you’re scared of ghosts, ghouls and poltergeists then Ghost Scissors can help! A pair of these, lodged at just the right angle to jam your kitchen drawer, will do all the hard work. They also work on Headless Horsemen, things under your bed, the monster in the cupboard, zombies, Daniel Radcliffe, werewolves and werewomen, even sealed packaging and paper! Yes, Ghost Scissors truly are the answer to that question that you asked in your head last week while waiting in that haunted branch of Budgens. Terrified of spooks? Cut it out!
New from MonkeyBroth games, Clap Trap is the word association game for all ages from 34 to 36. Clap Trap combines the smugness of Trivial Pursuits with the pointless hours of setting up a rickety, barely functioning, plastic, mechanical contraption that contains exactly eight seconds of ‘fun’ once triggered. Laugh at your friends’ ignorance as they don’t know what the Fibonacci sequence is. Grimace as the plastic gerbil attached to the submarine pops off the spindle without pushing the coffee maker into HMS Invincible. Laugh as you find the intangible rulebook under the settee almost a decade after buying it. Clap Trap. Only a letter away from the truth!
Hengleberb Mankledink returns with his masterful comeback album, Shimplederk – Klankle Hearts Rejoiceickle. Come closer than ever before to Memplebarb’s soulful rendition of ‘Baby Got Back-shumple’. Immerse your lobes on his re-imagining of ‘I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That-umpa’. Drop into a solemn pool of sound with his cover of ‘Wait and Bleed-huffle’. Also contains the finale of his incredible trilogy, ‘Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang’. Flanklebend Hyperburp – Klankle Hearts. Out now only on Prey-Tel.
It appears Disco Pig has been away… here the man himself picks up the story…
Aiieee – what is da matter wiv dem five-os innit? Disco Pig ain’t been able to update his loyal ungulate followers cos he has been banged up in da slammer innit. On some trumped up charge innit. Dey say, da five-os dat is, dat yours truly was out smashin’ up ‘is hood and rioting an lootin an that when da weather was blazing hotter than blazing squad’s underpants over da weekend. Dey say I knicked two car stereo and dat washing machine innit from Curry’s flecking digical. Disco Pig were nowhere near da joint! Dem stereos were all legally purchased and that for ma sistas birfday. Sheet – Disco Pig ain’t talkin to da haters man – talk to da trotter cos da snout is on holidays, camping in Cornwall or sumfink…sheet
Anydeways er is da bossin, basin toons from my time in da slammer over de summa hear me know my little piglets of passion – get your ear toobes around this stonkers…sheet
DJ Vaseline feat MC Hardofhearing – Smooth it in easy rider
The Sheds of Bromley – Why won’t Rosemary come down from the roof (it’s going to rain)
Machine Gun Noises – Ack, ack, ack, shakka, shakka, ack, ack, ack
Trail of Snacks –Frazzle, Pork Pie, Wotsit, Wotsit
The Motherflumpers – Flump You, Motherflumper
Tinchy Temper – It takes a lot to get me cross, but when I go.. goodness me!
Gastric Band ft The Hulk – That’s three ripped shirts this week, I think you’re stressed
The Muggs – Are you mugging me off in the mug shop, mug?
The Otter Knees – Ha ha you fell off your BMX ha ha
Gum Rash feat. DJ Corsodyl – Can’t eat my vegetables can I go to Bicester now?
Trip to A&E – Caught my Jacobs on a slated bench
Banglebert Stumpydick – Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang (Part II)
Lawrence and his Arabian Machine – Blowfish sweat, blowfish die
Directions to the chemist – Turn right at the roundabout, just next to Budgens
The Acid Kings – Weeee are the National Westminster Bank Piggeeeess
DJ Chicksticks – If you don’t, you’ll regret it
Moterhome – The Ace of Shovels
Fishbender and the wonky fins – Amanda, the Findus Crispy Pancakes are too hot
MC Mitchell Brother – It’s Kelloggs Fruit and Fibre every day
Mmmm… well ,quite. More phat-tuned porcine piggery-jokery next time folks…..
Gary did it – By Jimmy Spaff
He did you know,
I saw him too,
Gave him legs,
Of daring do,
He swims like crayons,
In seas of Rainham,
Gary did it,
In the Planetarium
He folded the cheese,
Like a Spaniard cake,
I based his head,
On Quentin Blake,
Sun bleached quads,
Of furious moles,
Gary did it,
On gout-filled shoals
Did you see him,
Does he know,
Boats are chasing,
His old baby grows,
Most like a fleeting,
Of chaps looking grim,
Gary did it,
I bloody well saw him
Come visit! Bring the kids (unless they have behavioural issues), bring Grandma (unless she’s racist), bring a long-lost friend that you ran in to in Budgens recently and have harboured a passion for over many frustrating years.
Holy moley fish soley in a rolly polly guacamole sauce.
Grunting of Pete, from Donnington. Bones a certainty.
Spanking buttered goat boots. Very spicy!!
A championship of clams. *Please note clams may sing when served.
A wallet of notes flambéed at your table with a mwahahaha!!! side dish.
Donkey Waffles, smooth gravel and shavings of sweet, sweet doubt.
Pudding will be…
Muttering about the war.
Please book in advance as refusal is likely to be brutally expressed.