Nestling like a duckling amongst the hills of the Nylwolds, the historic and picturesque county of Biffordshire casts a contented and ambivalent attitude towards the modern rat-race. But the shire was forged in modernism and many are unaware of those that have fought and gouged for the land and its delights in times long past.
In short, Biffordshire was built on blood, grit and cake.
Indeed, so infamous is Biffordshire’s history of violence and struggle, it is a little known fact that the onomatopoeia ‘Biff’, oft used in 60’s comic book TV adaptations, originates from our furious past.
The area was originally claimed by a Land Baron named Framley Speckle-Sheet, who conquered the land from its native people – the Axfrough Pigmy tribe. The battle raged for over an hour and a half with both sides equal in terms of numbers, but each using very different tactics.
Baron Speckle-Sheet utilised a V formation for his troops after noting the success of migrating geese and their aggressiveness when cornered. Indeed, Speckle-Sheet encouraged his fighters to honk vigorously at their opponents to intimidate and confound.
The tribe leader, Esk-va-hught, (which roughly translates as ‘Basket of Case’ in our modern tongue) having studied colonies of mice, ordered his people to independently run around in random circles looking for scraps of food and soft material with which to build nests.
As you can imagine, with such even hands, very few survived the clash with both sides reporting losses in excess of 85 per cent. These numbers were disputed when, in 1975, a colony of 13th generation Axfrough were found living in a hollow tree around the original site of the battle – their ancestors having successfully nested there during the slaughter.
Speckle-Sheet ultimately prevailed after he personally killed Esk-va-hught by forcing a Chess pawn up his nose, embedding it in the tribe leader’s frontal cortex. No easy feat in the heat of the battle.
The remaining Axfrough were hounded across the border into what we now call Glockenshire where they remained until being wiped out in the great scissor famine of 1686.
Biffordshire, or Sheetik-Ily-Shankle as it was then known, enjoyed a period of relative calm for the next 150 years being presided over by the Speckle-Sheet lineage. But the coming of the Industrial Revolution and the building of the earwig factories was about to change the landscape for ever….
Next time on The History of Biffordshire… Bryan explores the land wrangles of the capitalists that help shape the counties wealth and also gives an insight to why the local architecture so closely follows that of Lithuania.
Bryan will be hosting a local history and narcotics presentation at next month’s Shire Horse Show and Shine at Hexblightly Show Ground in the tent directly behind the Dubstep arena. Please remember to bring your own specimen bottles as stock may be limited on the day.
Do you have any idea just how seriously we take our public service commitments? I’ll bet you don’t. But let me tell you, it’s all straight faces and grim determination here at MonkeyBroth towers when it comes to bringing you, not just the cutting or bleeding edge information, but the blubbing-whilst-mummy-puts-a-plaster-on-it edge information.
Who you gonna call? Ghost Scissors that’s who! If you’re scared of ghosts, ghouls and poltergeists then Ghost Scissors can help! A pair of these, lodged at just the right angle to jam your kitchen drawer, will do all the hard work. They also work on Headless Horsemen, things under your bed, the monster in the cupboard, zombies, Daniel Radcliffe, werewolves and werewomen, even sealed packaging and paper! Yes, Ghost Scissors truly are the answer to that question that you asked in your head last week while waiting in that haunted branch of Budgens. Terrified of spooks? Cut it out!
New from MonkeyBroth games, Clap Trap is the word association game for all ages from 34 to 36. Clap Trap combines the smugness of Trivial Pursuits with the pointless hours of setting up a rickety, barely functioning, plastic, mechanical contraption that contains exactly eight seconds of ‘fun’ once triggered. Laugh at your friends’ ignorance as they don’t know what the Fibonacci sequence is. Grimace as the plastic gerbil attached to the submarine pops off the spindle without pushing the coffee maker into HMS Invincible. Laugh as you find the intangible rulebook under the settee almost a decade after buying it. Clap Trap. Only a letter away from the truth!
Hengleberb Mankledink returns with his masterful comeback album, Shimplederk – Klankle Hearts Rejoiceickle. Come closer than ever before to Memplebarb’s soulful rendition of ‘Baby Got Back-shumple’. Immerse your lobes on his re-imagining of ‘I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That-umpa’. Drop into a solemn pool of sound with his cover of ‘Wait and Bleed-huffle’. Also contains the finale of his incredible trilogy, ‘Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang’. Flanklebend Hyperburp – Klankle Hearts. Out now only on Prey-Tel.