Looking for love? Find your perfect partner wherever they may be across Biffordshire with Monkeybroth personal ads. To place an ad call Marjorie Whim at Monkeybroth Towers. 10p a letter. Which is excellent value for the penny-pinching love-mongers out there. When calling please have a copy of Evelyn Waugh’s Decline and Fall in your back pocket and send 23 mint humbugs to Marjorie at the usual address.
ELDERLY GENT, 78, scared of ponies and larvae seeks vivacious redhead model for arty photography and maybe more. An interest in spoon bending and Johnny Mathis’s early work an advantage. Box 5678790
PARTIALLY ATTRACTIVE Female, 48, raspberry blonde seeks young-looking male for catching bluebottles by the light of the silvery moon and romantic trips out to sea in a pea-green boat. Must have own owl. Box 343553433
INSENSTIVE moustachioed man seeks cougar with GSOS and ADH for night-time larks aplenty. WLTM you soon …you must be out there. I’m longing to bake potatoes for you. Box 4343554334
MAN with three thumbs seeks plug socket style lady for some electrifying fun. Partner must have three similar receptive holes with an on-switch for a nose. Let’s connect! Box car willy
BUBBLY LADY with soft lemon scented skin WLTM man with corduroy helmet and leather pouch for late night Polish translation sensations. If you’ve got the croutons I can make the love soup. Box 545454
HANDSOME Biffordshire Man enjoys going to the pub, coming back from the pub and being at the pub, seeks sober mistress type to tut at him in the mornings and open the door for him late at night with a facepack on. Must have own rolling pin and the ability to slap it into the palm of your hand. Call Wibble 543423233
POLICEMAN, 32, seeks Caucasian male approximately 6ft 2ins, around 30 years old with Englebert Humperdinck tattoos on both arms for questioning over an armed robbery at Flump Building Society last month. Speaks in a high-pitched Disney voice. Call 01999 999999 in complete confidence.
AFFLUENT MALE, 42 with iron deficiency WLTM meat. Box 54334445
INFLATABLE Woman seeks sensitive caring male for long-term friendship maybe more. Has been let-down in the past, hence saggy, wrinkly appearance. Box 9898989898
PUZZLE shaped man, looking for the missing piece in his life. I could be sky, I could be sea, but I’m not a corner. Can you fit me into your life? Box 66556565655
ELEGANT LADY, 68 seeks ex-military man in a waistcoat to propose to her immediately before throwing himself in front of a bus when I tell him I don’t want to marry him and that I am a man. You must be out there! Box 3433333232
SUCCESFUL BUSINESSMAN would like to meet woman dressed as a scatter-cushion. Bored of your run-of-the-mill ladies dressed as pillows, so if you want some haberdashery style fun in your life get in touch. Box 4433243545
LIKE MINDED MAN seeks like minded lady to stay in and watch repeats of the original Minder with Denis Waterman and eat peanuts. Denis will be there 7.30 for 8pm. Box 4
BUBBLY LADY seeks Simon Bates look-alike to help her beat up Noel Edmonds, kids, marriage and maybe more. Box 54545454533
STUNNING SIMON BATES lookalike seeks lady with shared irrational hatred of Noel Edmonds. Box 44554332234