MonkeyBroth’s own life-style guru, agony aunt and part time goat hunter, Simon Thrombosis helps you with those tricky life decisions and problems. And with no formal training too!
Darby Dale of Flab Corner writes: Dear Si, I’ve recently started having panic attacks when presented with mushrooms and other fungi. For most, this wouldn’t be a problem, but my work with the Forestry Commission means that these things are part and parcel of my day. It’s become so bad that during the scoping of a fire break project in Ashdown forest, I came face to face with a plate fungus and ran for over 4 hours to get away from it, eventually taking up a hiding place under the table of the Red Lion pub in Chelwood Gate. I laughed it off as a prank to my colleagues, but I’m not sure they bought in to my explanation. Please help!
Si writes: Hey Darby, irrational fears are so named because they are both fears and irrational. That’s a fact! But, we have to trace the fear back to its nucleus. I suspect that you had an occurrence such as a break in by burglars disguised as Toad from Super Mario or some such. Without that centre, it’s difficult to help, but can I suggest that you tell your colleagues? You may run the risk of being forever ridiculed, losing your job and the respect of your peers, but needs must eh? You’re welcome.
Dekin Dumpvalve from Leaky Grange writes: Since I was a boy, I always feared that my thumbs are plotting with my spleen to take over my cognitive functions and cause carnage. I swear that I can hear them whispering to one another just before I fall asleep. Does this happen to other people or am I special? I’d love to be special.
Si writes: OK Leaky, this may sound a little strange to you, but usually in these occasions, it’s your bladder that is the puppet master and the thumbs and spleens are just henchmen doing its bidding. I’d say go with it. The bladder is actually quite an astute character and I know number of high-profile celebrities that gave over control and never looked back. They do tend to spend quite a lot of time in the lavatory, but you have to take the rough with the smooth. Happy to help.
Jervis Practicalmouse from Skive writes: Last month, I lost my entire collection of Roy Hattersley signed prints in a house fire caused by a faulty cheese grater. Somewhat understandably, I’m distraught as the collection was both irreplaceable and implausible. Last week, I physically harmed a man who was loudly talking derogatively about Roy’s time working under Dennis Healey whilst shopping in Budgens. I feel it’s now somewhat out of my control. Stop my grief. Make the pain go away…
SI writes: I’m very sorry for your loss Jervis. I’m afraid that the grieving process has to be carried through before you can feel better. But in the meantime, can I suggest you avoid situations that are likely to present Roy as a subject of everyday conversation? Your trip to Budgens was particularly risky when viewed from that perspective. I’d also avoid steelworks. Glad to have been of assistance.
Well, that was concise and well advised as usual. Si will return mainly because we believe he’s found somewhere to live in the heating system and maintenance has been unable to flush him out.
Coming to Spatchcock 20 December
Roll up! Roll up! (or walk) to what has been called the 3,568,543rd wonder of Biffordshire!
Back by occasional demand, Mungo Frimpley’s fantastical circus returns to Spatchcock! Laugh at a creepy clown on a trampoline, Marvel at the lax health and safety! Gasp at the price of candy floss!
- Mavis Bramley’s dancing girls! – Est. 1937 and still dancing!
- The deaf-defying mumbling man!
- The stripy horses with feathers on their heads!
- Bruce Force – The only strong man/midget combo in England!
- The Damian unt Frott show – Taming lions in white leatherette!
- Nevill Freeply and the world’s strongest grape!
- Bernadette and Bernard – The amputee trapeze artists!
- Nigel Curry and his ring of fire!
- Disco Monkeys – Yes they are actual monkeys! They dance!!!
- Bendy Brenda – The human contortionist!
- Things like pigs but massive and grey with really long noses!
- Bump & Grind – Mungo’s house clowns ft. Gary the exploding horse!
- Frank Hollers – He’s louder than Brian Blessed in a lift!
- Waffle shoving on ice and laser show!
.…and little more!
Venue: Behind the recreational ground in Grattles field. Follow the smell of faded grandeur.
Tickets available from Budgens in the High Street. Curtain opens at 11pm. No flash photography, normal everyday photography only. Show may contain disappointment, feelings of mild discomfort and peanuts.
Come visit! Bring the kids (unless they have behavioural issues), bring Grandma (unless she’s racist), bring a long-lost friend that you ran in to in Budgens recently and have harboured a passion for over many frustrating years.
Holy moley fish soley in a rolly polly guacamole sauce.
Grunting of Pete, from Donnington. Bones a certainty.
Spanking buttered goat boots. Very spicy!!
A championship of clams. *Please note clams may sing when served.
A wallet of notes flambéed at your table with a mwahahaha!!! side dish.
Donkey Waffles, smooth gravel and shavings of sweet, sweet doubt.
Pudding will be…
Muttering about the war.
Please book in advance as refusal is likely to be brutally expressed.
Your monthly horoscope with our resident stargazer Moonman the Apocalyptic….
Hi everyone, I knew you’d be reading this but it’s nice to see it confirmed. It’s been a tricky month for the third eye. The other day I peeled some onions and it wept for a bit. Nasty. But it is open now and looking out for you. Yes you, my splendid little gasping fishes of wonderfulness. You look great by the way.
Well, that was a turn up for the books wasn’t it Aries? I can’t believe he totally blanked you at Sussex Stationers. Still, on Saturday, a nature trail will be bucking the system when a surprise visit from a curious vole means fair trade coffee at 10am.
Lucky hand wash – Palmolive
So you’re feeling pretty bullish about that game of Kerplunk with Jesse Birdsall eh Taurus? As well you might for he is a strong adversary! Lock the car tomorrow or someone will steal your Garmin from under the driver’s seat. You know that’s the first place they look…
Lucky band – Sham 69
Double up for fun Gemini, for an approaching email warns of your parents arriving at short notice for a cuppa and a chat. Hide behind the sofa and they’ll never see you. A ghost from the past will stay there so don’t heed the advice from Graham. He only likes you for your soft muffins anyway.
Lucky crossword clue – 7 across
While Rhythm is apparently a dancer, she’s got a silly name so pay her tired moves little attention. A trip along the snacks aisle in Budgens makes you proud when you see that the letter you’re writing has paid off and they have replenished the Wasabi peanut stock. The staff does so love your little missives…
Lucky myth – Japanese cars don’t break down
Way down deep in the middle of the Congo,
A hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango.
He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty tango.
The rhino said, “I know, we’ll call it Um Bongo”… That, Leo, is fact.
Lucky drink – Kia-Ora
You’re not surprised when a small child offers you a sticker with a spaniel puppy on it in a shopping centre on Thursday. Everyone has to start somewhere after all Virgo! Best place to stick it is on your knee. The fabric on your jacket means it won’t adhere properly.
Lucky sweep – chimney
LOOK OUT LIBRA! Phew! That was close! You’d better clear that up before it stains.
Lucky cleaner – Rug Doctor
Post a letter to a family friend. Go on, do it now while I wait….. There that’s better isn’t it? Didn’t I tell you? Anyway, you’ll forget about the leftover cottage pie unless it’s mopped up tonight. Use the posh bread you bought down the farmers market to clean the plate. Don’t just leave the dishes ‘till the morning either. I’m watching you Scorpio…
Lucky Muesli – Dorset Cereals
Monday afternoon will bring a loved one home. This joy will be tempered by them taking a long time in the bathroom and making you late for work. Just what are they doing in there anyway?!? Milking an Asp? For Christ sake…
Lucky soup – Minestrone
You’ve been feeling sad for the elderly guest house owners up the road haven’t you? Don’t worry. Old Brian is a Free Mason. They look after their own so he’ll be fine. Meanwhile, a competition may win you a hamper from your local boat builders. What good fortune Capricorn!
Lucky Postcode – CV36
Put those long devised plans to work this week Aquarius and seek your own destiny! Because I haven’t looked into it yet. Sorry about that. Dropped the ball a bit there.
Lucky grant – Russell
Boasting about the cutlery set you bought for a song could get you into trouble. It wasn’t a good song anyway – just a dodgy power ballad from the 80’s. The seller may get nasty when they hear it. Grasp the nettle on Friday! It’ll sting a bit but can be boiled up to make a rudimentary soup.
Lucky leaf – Dock