Aiiieeeee hoof, hoof, hoof… yes folks it’s the biggest night of the year innit! Disco Pig is back with the beats from the renegade master – dey told me I can’t play bass and dat I can’t play drum, but I am ere to tell ya that I’m here actually innit. I’m not a Yankee, I’m a Londoner innit, and on da playground was were I spent most of ma dayze. I got in one little fight and Mrs Disco Pig got scared so she sent me to my Auntie and Uncle’s in Walfamstow innit!
Anyway, der fond trips dahn memory alley asides, Disco Pig is ere to give ya all the bangiest playlist for da bangiest night of the year – Noo Year’s Eve, innit! Disco Pig was in da big demand dis year and as had to turn down some big gigs, including one at dat O2 in his home tahn of Londan innit. Stoked though, cos I is now rocking the bins at Biffordshire’s biggest nightclub – Da Sugar Shed, just outsida of Moistbury on da A67, if you go past der Lamb and Foreskin pub you has gone too far innit. Turn around and hed back a bit, bit more, on da left innit. Yes, da place wiv da big sign up at the front.
Anyways, it’s free Bacardi Breezers all night for da ladies, so get in quick and you might even pull a Bacardi Geezer, that’s me innit!! Nah, don’t fink dat Disco is being all up and unfaithful to da missus and shizzle – she’s out of tahn visiting her poorly piggy gran in Colchester so while da missus is away visiting her poorly piggy gran in Colchester da Disco Pig will play… da top tunes all night innit! Ha ha…
Seriously d’oh Disco Pig is all loved up an dat so it would have to be somefink special to turn his eyes onto anover lady pig innit. Like a couple of drinks and some heavy petting behind da stage innit! Disco knows you ladies will be forming an orderly queue to get ya hoofs on dis bit of quality bacon, but I ain’t bovvered. Da lady I as is da love of me life innit – plus her gran is a lovely lady piggy. She was in da war and all dat. She was an air-raid piggy – ad to squeal when she saw any of dem Nazi planes and dat flying overhead – pwoper hero she was. Her passing, if it should come to dat, would be a sad day in da Disco household innit… mind you she’s facking loaded so let the good times and da turntables roll!
Anyways, listen to me cracking on about nuffink – I has got some vinyl to dig out for tonight’s sugar shed shenanigans! Get der early Pig fans it’s going to be a crackling night of porky phat phun!
Waste of Time ft The Delighted Landlord – £15 just to get into my own local
Eric Pickles and the Cheese Crew – Leave it Barry, let’s just all have a drink yeah?
What’s the Point? – In bed by 10.30
FredMau5 – Right said Fred
Tinnie Tiddly Ft MC Shoehorn – Can’t Make Luv Tonight
Robert Kilometres – Bowl Clutcher (Hold back my hair)
The Over Friendly Strangers – What you looking at (it ain’t got no label on it)
West Street Boyz – Lager on my whities, vodka on my loafers
Phat Boy Phat – It’s raining (door) men
The Checked Shirts – Don’t encourage him, Sandra
Calvin’s Klein’s – Pants up high, trousers down low
The Bog Gropers Ft MC Smarm – Hanging around outside da Ladies
Disorientated Scoundrel (Ft Almond Van Nut) – Conkers
Rogan Josh Project – Infinity Naanty Naanies (time for a Ruby)
The Kebab Krew – You want everything on, boss?
Street Fighters (Ft DJ Punch Drunk) – Oh heavens, Andrea, I appear to have dropped my chips
The Beer Scooters – La, la, la, la, la, lager, bit, bit, bit, bitter, vod, vod, vod, vodka, she, she, she, sherry
The Misguided (Ft MC Testosterone) – Yes, she probably IS a lesbian, Stuart
DJ Morning After – Very dark in colour, but it floats
Jingle da bells, jungle bellz, jingle da bellz. Stop. Swine-rewind!!!! Ya know it! It’s da pig coming at ya like a Lidl Stollen!
I bin getting the monies in ready fo Christmas coz I want to treat ma nan to a fierce foot spa dey got on special down at Boots. She totally worth it bruv!
Disco pig been working in one of those Christmas seasonal shops init. And man he be getting bored of Christmas songs on da shop stereo! Serious, if I hear Mariah Carey singin’ about what she want fo Christmas one more time, dere’ll be a crime. Nah, but serious, dere will…
Anyz, ‘ere’s da latest festive stampin’ tunez all wrapped up just fo youz.
Biff Clitchard – Time to buy a new calendar
Bradford Moped Group – Stop! Carry on.
Ashes Misery – I put five on it
Neonicotinoid Pesticides – Brian’s off to Lowestoft again
Megaquake – The thrill of cheese
Barry Goblin (ft. Frankie Ankles) – Shambolic log flume
Hemplegrunt Mupderspinch – Tra-la-la-la-la-faraldo-gadzooks-euro
Mincing Pies – Fabulously stuffed
Grumpy Dad – You can open them after dinner
High street Robbery – Seasonal price rise (saw ya comin’ reprise mix)
The Geordie Sores – Herod as a toad
Spatch! – No honestly Claire, I’ve always wanted a slanket. Lovely.
Unauthorised Entry – Stuck up your chimney
Woop woop piggy swiiiiinnnnggg piggy piggy. Know dat. Yeah dat’s right, da pig is here, bangin on ya ears like a massive snowman of tuuuuuunes! What I mean bruv!
Disco pig, he been layin low for a coupla weeks. Da Solid Hog Crew, dey bin movin in on me patch and kickin up a whole heapa trouble wit ma bruvahs. I been planning a comeback of biblical size man! Gonna hit em wit some of my favourite snout bangers on da weekend. Dem bruvas not gonna know wat hit em! Turn up these tooooooons!
Ghastly Chocolate – Certain it’s carob
Judge in Session – Bang that gavel (to the beat of the drum)
Massive Tea Chest – You say it, I call it, he made it
A Guy Called Key – Show it you’re furious and it’ll back down
Faulty bricks – Kick it like a hamster
Distribution – Moving on out (of the depot)
The Mighty Q Pushers – I think you’ll find I was next
Bastion of Moss – The Kenilworth sessions
Last Chop in the Shop – Lookin’ Good (feeling jaded)
Base Model Vectra – Wind up windows and no alloys
The Kenneth Greasy Project– Ghosts in the windmill
Baritone Rising – Pie floater
Some People – Have no respect (tsk! remix)
The Shoddy Craftsman – Left my drill in the pub again
Sally Silly Sadly Society featuring Heidi-Holes – Chicken fillets
Historic Environments – Dusting the Burmese
Unsolicited Calls – Don’t hang up!
2pm Leaving the Cinema – I expected it to be dark outside
Peter Feet and the Convivial Jugglers – One up, two up, three up…. awwww
More top tunes and maybe a double leaning jowler from Disco Pig soon…
It appears Disco Pig has been away… here the man himself picks up the story…
Aiieee – what is da matter wiv dem five-os innit? Disco Pig ain’t been able to update his loyal ungulate followers cos he has been banged up in da slammer innit. On some trumped up charge innit. Dey say, da five-os dat is, dat yours truly was out smashin’ up ‘is hood and rioting an lootin an that when da weather was blazing hotter than blazing squad’s underpants over da weekend. Dey say I knicked two car stereo and dat washing machine innit from Curry’s flecking digical. Disco Pig were nowhere near da joint! Dem stereos were all legally purchased and that for ma sistas birfday. Sheet – Disco Pig ain’t talkin to da haters man – talk to da trotter cos da snout is on holidays, camping in Cornwall or sumfink…sheet
Anydeways er is da bossin, basin toons from my time in da slammer over de summa hear me know my little piglets of passion – get your ear toobes around this stonkers…sheet
DJ Vaseline feat MC Hardofhearing – Smooth it in easy rider
The Sheds of Bromley – Why won’t Rosemary come down from the roof (it’s going to rain)
Machine Gun Noises – Ack, ack, ack, shakka, shakka, ack, ack, ack
Trail of Snacks –Frazzle, Pork Pie, Wotsit, Wotsit
The Motherflumpers – Flump You, Motherflumper
Tinchy Temper – It takes a lot to get me cross, but when I go.. goodness me!
Gastric Band ft The Hulk – That’s three ripped shirts this week, I think you’re stressed
The Muggs – Are you mugging me off in the mug shop, mug?
The Otter Knees – Ha ha you fell off your BMX ha ha
Gum Rash feat. DJ Corsodyl – Can’t eat my vegetables can I go to Bicester now?
Trip to A&E – Caught my Jacobs on a slated bench
Banglebert Stumpydick – Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang (Part II)
Lawrence and his Arabian Machine – Blowfish sweat, blowfish die
Directions to the chemist – Turn right at the roundabout, just next to Budgens
The Acid Kings – Weeee are the National Westminster Bank Piggeeeess
DJ Chicksticks – If you don’t, you’ll regret it
Moterhome – The Ace of Shovels
Fishbender and the wonky fins – Amanda, the Findus Crispy Pancakes are too hot
MC Mitchell Brother – It’s Kelloggs Fruit and Fibre every day
Mmmm… well ,quite. More phat-tuned porcine piggery-jokery next time folks…..
Chang, chang, chang…badawhoop, badawhoop. Ayeiiie it me, Disco Da Friggin’ Pig back in da house to spin you some more of me bangin numbers, my little lean back bacon butties. Gloop, Gloop! What has de world famus Disco Pig been doin dis last week I hear you grunt? Well, woz no more my little mucky piglets cos I iz here to tell ya. Pin ’em back cos here it is.
Da Disco Pig’s sista, Nightclub Pig came round ma crib last week wiv her little porkers. Dey is da bomb, but still young and finding der trotters in dis difficult world of ours ya know? Anydeways, dey got out da connect four and we had a battle in front of Cash in de Attic on da tellybox. Dem young porkers stink at connecting fours and Disco Pig beat em up bad, real bad wiv a 3-1 win in a best of five…Hah Disco Pig is da boss hog! Chill time now bloods – here is ma selection of top toons from da music scene this week, so burn up a spliff and enjoy – chang, chang!
Gullible Seagulls – Would you stop rubbing it now, Nigel!
Barry Goblin feat. MC Toolkit – Takin’ my barnacle (back to the shop)
The Biscuit Twins – Kung Fu Hymen gonna get you
Twisted Aubergines – No, it’s a not a pear, clearly
Frumpledink Hunglebert – Blackbird’s heart going to break in two
Asthmatic Maths Teachers – Squeezing the chalk
The Secret Gypsys – Can’t find my horse, perhaps it’s gone to Oxford
Amorphous Whores – Money can’t buy you gloves
The Arctic Camcorders – Weasel, weasel, weasel, stoat, stoat, stoat
The Suppository Muffins – Ding Dong Squirrel (gonna ring ya bell)
Subordinate Lemons – Mashin up and mashin down, we are mashin all around
Asbestos Mice Ft. DJ Jacket Potato – Ships stop at the chip shop for chips, stop
The Scrotum Warriors – Went to the library and popped in to see my sister afterwards
The Cactus Moose – Hospital beds ain’t what they used to be
George Haemorrhoid – Push it, push it real good
Compulsive Tennis Nets – Can’t get you out of my shed
More hoof-tapping toons next week yer hear me now?
Hoot hoot your hoot, my porcine piggy pals coz I iz back-on da groove with sum more of me razzling, and ruffling ruffty tuffty toons. Aye, it me Disco Pig here to keep your farm as phat as a monkey at monsoon time innit. I az bin away for a bit ya knaw – just burning spliff and chillin wit me brevven in da sty. In fact it bin so chillin me gonna ring MTV and get meself on Cribs – natch they will be renaming it Sties in honour and respec’ to da Disco Pig innit!
Anydeways, dat is enough from me my huge porky scratchings – dis is my latest cullectishon of boss de-boss toons for ya listening pleasure. Get yer ear caverns around dis lot – solid!
Ivory Merchant – Blood is thicker than water, and so is custard
The Exhaust Pipes – Mamma’s gonna try for an injunction
DJ Fiveskin ft. Keith Harris – Asda roll back
Dinglevalve Shumperdank – Euro, Euro, Euro, bang, bang, bang
DJ MG Midget – Handbrake off! It’s Curry Night!
The Souffle Perverts – Soiled bedding is all crispy crème
The Foolish Dictionaries – Arthur’s moved to Hemel Hempstead
MC Torpid and the Slugglish Spoons – Crap ambulance don’t do bends
The Moist Kittens – Fudge, fudge, have you got a van of fudge?
Paul Handsome-Crab – Discharge and dat charge
My Bonnie – Lies over the ocean, unless he’s dead
Throbbing Gristle – Anguished ovens ain’t cooking my pork
Unwellmau5 – Lucozade has pepped me right up
Sack, Back and Quack – Do be do, do be do, be do dooo
The Spittle-heads – The boys are all in my yard, because I do make very nice milkshakes. Second to none!
The Itch Doctors – Rash on your inner thigh
More hoof-tapping toons next week yer hear me now?
Yo,what it is you disco- loving muthas. It’s me Disco Pig, back with the phattest tunes on da phat farm. Hear me now, dese toons are the drizzle my little headphone piglets so get on em while dey is hot to trotter. Can I get a snout out, rewind…come on my little pink players, get em downloaded…dey be the Frazzlest terrrr-acks out there innit….
DJ Budgens Ft. Annabel Croft – Scupper the boat
Suspicious Brownstar – The shed is still locked, George
Basic carrots – Arthur C Clarke
Westside of town Ft. Lionel Blair – Carpet Stains
Arthur C Clarke – Basic Carrots
Can you feel the heat? – Get off the radiator you odious man
DJ Cream T – Jammin on the bread product
Marrissey – Heaven knows I’m in love with bread products
Badsnake – Gone done and bit me on the ass
Findus Crispy Pancakes – Dark side of the pancake
Goobledooble Facemymother – Magnificent Oaks
Whackstain – Arthur loves trains. ok?
The Chlorine Sisters – Swimming Trunks, rock, swimming trunks roll
Fast Freddy and Barry Goblin – Tracks of my ears