Hello there. My name is Carter Unstoppablesexmachine, and I am the editor and founder of the Mimsey-on-the-Mold Gazette. We cover the whole of west Biffordshire and if hasn’t happened in west Biffordshire then as far as myself and the editorial team are concerned it hasn’t happened at all. That’s what we said about the moon landings and we are sticking to it. Anyway, you could have struck me down with a Ford Mondeo instruction manual the other week. In part, that’s due to the fact that I got an email direct from Monkeybroth Towers asking me most kindly if I could re-supply some of the birth, death and marriage notices we get for the Gazette for publishing on everyone’s most hated blog-cum- arse shatteringly numb-holed rubbish website thing. I was halfway through a pack of Midgen’s Moist Chicken and Hazelnut flavour Marvels at the time.. so as you can imagine it was quite a shock…anyway as promised…
A Boy! – Mr and Mrs A. Pringletube of Fortescue Road, Gunge, are delighted to announce the safe arrival of their baby boy, Dennis. A brother to the Pringletube’s daughters, Germuntude and Half-fist the slovenly. No flowers please but high salt content crisps and snacks can be scattered on the happy family’s lawn during the hours of darkness by way of celebrating this worrying turn of events.
Another Boy! – Mr and Mrs George Armchair of Frankly-Speaking Avenue, Clumtit, have gone and done it again! Please welcome into the world their newest bundle of joy, Sofa. Sofa is the Armchair’s fifth child and comes soon after the birth of their daughter Scatter-Cushion. Tragically the family recently lost eldest son Footstool who had to be returned to DFS due to a wonky caster wheel. Throws and ornamental knick knacks welcome.
I’ve finally done it! After years of hiding in her hedge, my beautiful girlfriend has finally agreed to be my wife! Thank you Prawny, you’ve made me, Criggs Bathingsphere, the happiest man in Biffordshire! Oh and no probs re the pre-nuptials sweetheart… if I leave you of course you can beat my Uncle Steven into a bloody pulp outside the Horse and Hounds. Love you!
Sweet Jesus – shaped lollipops for everyone! Mr and Mrs Drab-Crab are delighted to announce the marriage of their only daughter Spatula to Mr Kevin Slab of 44, Rubic Cube Lane, Penistron, Owlford. The marriage will take place at our Lady of the Ginster Eaters church in Mimsey on Christmas Eve 2012. We know – on Christmas Eve. Like we don’t have enough to do. It won’t last anyway.
Sad passing – It is with deep regret that we must announce the passing of Tulip Rose Flower. Tulip was in her 120s when she finally met Jesus in heaven. Cantankerous to the end, Tulip certainly kept her family on her toes – particularly when her legs went missing during last week’s thunderstorm. A fitting way to remember her we think. Her memorial service will take place at St Gareth Gates Church of the Afflicted, in Bumwipe, Penistron next Tuesday. Ironically Tulip requested that she have no flowers at her funeral, but you can bring them anyway if you want. Alternatively please bring a spare pair of shoes in memorandum of this lovely, if slighty erratic old lady. Arrr sad innit?