Brrrrdddrup brrrudpt! Yas, is da pig, coming at ya like a bag of nachos, but less cheesy init.
Well, this little piggy jus got back from Somersetshire where I’ve been totally at Glasto’. Me and my mate House Hog borrowed me nan’s Micra and razzed outta da city to get back to nature, although I did take da Nintendo with me. Yeah, we gone done the camping like da bosses. Although, HH did set fire to da tent we ‘borrowed’ from Millets with a stray blim, and we ain’t got a warranty.
It weren’t all peaches and RnB tho, as we wuz told that der’d be a lot of mud for wallowin’ in, but all we got was a dust bath and some sunburn, so wuz a bit of a scam.
Anyway, here’s sum of our top tunz performed at da festival;
SicklyB4dgr – Jumping the left shark
Cayenne East – Vocoder nightmare (where are you all going?)
CTRL-Alt-Delete – This cedar is ravenous
Spotless Highwayman – Relentless advert music
Mark Ronseal – Does exactly what it says on the sleeve
Florida Quivers – I’m just not partial to fisticuffs Nigel
Feral Wilikins – Cheerful (but tomorrow I may not be – I don’t know)
The Moo – Can we have our fields back, stoners?
Cyclebonce – The grace of maids
The Water Bottles – Telescopes offer you unrestricted lunar visuals
Well, more Disco Pig as soon as is most likely, which is possibly never given how long it’s been since the last one.
The mighty Cheese Eagle. As it soars over the landscape of the Cheddar Gorge, it is all too easy to forget that this bird, once hunted as a pest, is now on the UK endangered species list along with the Winged Vole and the Jelly Weasel.
But who could forget the once common sight of the local gentry in pursuit of this majestic creature? Now the preserve of villages keen to convey a folk-inspired and lively history while all the time hiding the fact that their landmarks consist of a pub and a very steep hill – Cheese rolling stems from attempts to lure the Cheese Eagle out of hiding by throwing a Double Gloucester down an incline. The Lords would hide at the bottom to pick off the cheese-frenzied birds with a rifle.
Now these poor animals, having been pushed to the brink, are more likely to be seen nesting above your local Budgens. They survive as opportunist thieves, carrying off the occasional fishnet bag of Mini Babybel being absent-mindedly loaded into the back of a Nissan Primera.
They rear their young almost exclusively on a diet of Oude kaas Gouda, a rare commodity in and around Cheddar. Luckily, the adult Cheese Eagle has adapted and is less choosy, happily preying on Applewood Smoked or even a cheap Roulade.
The female Cheese Eagle, being incredibly shy, has been known only to break cover in dire times. The most infamous occurrence being the attack on a farmers market in Saxmundham where yellow-corded stall-holders were forced to shelter behind their Volvos. Nearly twenty blocks of pungent Limburger were lost that fateful day.
Luckily for the Cheese Eagle, there are people who have dedicated their time to helping this reduced animal. Betty and Duncan Knockfelt run the Essex Cheese Eagle Sanctuary at Bures St. Mary.
‘It’s impossible to know the total number of nesting pairs left in the UK’ says Betty. ‘At last count, Essex had fewer than 1,250,000 but in the rest of the country, who knows? Well, actually we do have numbers for all counties in England but, to tell the truth we got bored adding them up.’
Duncan adds ‘We bought a calculator, but the symbols on it confused us to be honest. Whatever, there’s a limited number about. Sort of in the region of grey squirrels at a guess. Maybe more…’
Regardless of actual figures, the Cheese Eagle will continue to inspire and awe in equal amounts. We can only hope that with the tireless and committed work of people like Betty and Duncan, it will long cast its impressive shadow across our fair isle.
Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
Fans of Gerry Lee-Boar ARE in luck this week as the radio celebrity has been snapped boaring-all at Longleat Centre Parcs. THESE images clearly show that, despite the Disc-Jockeys famous love of KP peanuts, he’s been working out la-boar-iously in pursuit of a hunky body!!
With all this GOING down, you’d be forgiven for missing the latest on-set tantrum by Bobby Stoat while filming the latest mega-budget horror flick, Albino Rabbits 2 – Carrots of the Unforgiving. He reportedly threw his own droppings at a main grip who’d asked if he would sign his Beano Annual. We can’t see that this is going TO help with his already shaky reputation for being awkward to work with! He’ll be losing fans by the stoat-load!
It’s been reported that model, Melly Grasshopper, will BE the new face of MoleSkins petit range. A bold move considering the flak that Melly received when her weight plummeted to under a gram for the Weasel-Wear fashion show. Still, considering she’s in the twilight of her career, I’m sure she jumped at the chance!
Is it just me that has NOTICED a striking similarity between Turbot Jones, the flamboyant front-fish of The Oxygen Boys and Guru-to-the-stars, Findley Bosh-Horse? They’ve both been seeing the pricy image consultant Dinky Bear for a fresh new look. Unfortunately it appears to be the same fresh new look! Let’s hope Findley’s not just a one trick pony and that Turbot’s not just fishing for compliments!!!
Ouch…. More awful puns and under-developed ideas with Tabloid Squirrel soon. Unless you beg us to stop…