Public Service Announcements

It’s time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire. It’s always time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire at Monkeybroth Towers. That’s cos we love them and you, dear readers. We love you more than we love crumpets. We love you more than we love Virgil, the guy who fixes the fax machine for us. Virgil loves a crumpet or two!

SQUIRREL EXPRESS – Need a squirrel in a hurry? Call Squirrel Express today for an obliged to buy quote. All our squirrels are in a real hurry – many are dashing for trains or are staring impatiently at bus time tables. Alternatively, why not select our deluxe service and get a squirrel revving behind you in his car or attempting to overtake you on a bend? Call us today but hurry, because our squirrels in a hurry too. Call Bob on Groin-Cough 45873773

FAMILIES. Looking for a fun day out only part of the family will enjoy? The 13th Annual Mumford Otter and Cheese Show promises just that. Highlights for the Saturday include Mumford Otter Show-Off group’s performance of their hilarious rendition of Oh What a Lovely Otter, while later in the day, you’ll be able to play Asian Otter or Gorgonzola! over by the cheese-shaped Ferris wheel. Plus, don’t miss a fabulous display by the Red Arrows which, for this event only, will be piloted by otters eating Red Leicester! How apt! Please note that due to foreseen circumstances, the Cirque d’Otter will not be performing at this year’s event due to a suspicious phone call to be received in the week leading up to the event. It will sound like someone’s eating crisps on the other end of the line, but they won’t be. For more details call Tulip Sunrise on Mumford 433232111.

GOT A GARDEN? Then get a life. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.  For details on garden protests in your area, visit www.lawnsarewherethedevilspawns.com

SURE, you may think you have enough spoons in your house but when was the last time you checked? Fire statistics reveal that nearly 8 out of every thousand house fires in the UK may have started due to a lack of working spoons. If you’re too busy or don’t care if you and your family are at risk from fire, then let Fire Spoons help. For a small fee and access to your underwear drawer we’ll check your spoons for you. This hassle free service only takes a few minutes but a fire caused by a lack of spoons could take a lot longer, couldn’t it? Ask for Agnetha on Sputum 8988768778

WANT TO TRY POETRY? But don’t know where to start? Try with a first line and go from there. For more poetry tips visit www.youcouldbeapoetifonlyyougotoffyourfatlegsanddidsomething.co.uk

FLOWERS Have small CCTV cameras in them linked to hell. The devil uses them to watch you. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.

FOUND. I’ve found my cat, Mrs Tinkle. Thanks to everyone who got in touch to help me find her. Particular thanks go to RAF Biffordshire Tornado Squadron who managed to shoot Mrs Tinkle down over Berkshire as she attempted to strafe Windsor Castle. I’m so embarrassed. I honestly thought her having a pilot’s licence would give her an interest and get her out of the house.

 RHODENDRON BUSHES – are wigs for the devil’s demons, allowing them to go incognito and spy on you as you get undressed at bedtime. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.