It’s time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire. It’s always time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire at Monkeybroth Towers. That’s cos we love them and you, dear readers. We love you more than we love crumpets. We love you more than we love Virgil, the guy who fixes the fax machine for us. Virgil loves a crumpet or two!
SQUIRREL EXPRESS – Need a squirrel in a hurry? Call Squirrel Express today for an obliged to buy quote. All our squirrels are in a real hurry – many are dashing for trains or are staring impatiently at bus time tables. Alternatively, why not select our deluxe service and get a squirrel revving behind you in his car or attempting to overtake you on a bend? Call us today but hurry, because our squirrels in a hurry too. Call Bob on Groin-Cough 45873773
FAMILIES. Looking for a fun day out only part of the family will enjoy? The 13th Annual Mumford Otter and Cheese Show promises just that. Highlights for the Saturday include Mumford Otter Show-Off group’s performance of their hilarious rendition of Oh What a Lovely Otter, while later in the day, you’ll be able to play Asian Otter or Gorgonzola! over by the cheese-shaped Ferris wheel. Plus, don’t miss a fabulous display by the Red Arrows which, for this event only, will be piloted by otters eating Red Leicester! How apt! Please note that due to foreseen circumstances, the Cirque d’Otter will not be performing at this year’s event due to a suspicious phone call to be received in the week leading up to the event. It will sound like someone’s eating crisps on the other end of the line, but they won’t be. For more details call Tulip Sunrise on Mumford 433232111.
GOT A GARDEN? Then get a life. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain. For details on garden protests in your area, visit www.lawnsarewherethedevilspawns.com
SURE, you may think you have enough spoons in your house but when was the last time you checked? Fire statistics reveal that nearly 8 out of every thousand house fires in the UK may have started due to a lack of working spoons. If you’re too busy or don’t care if you and your family are at risk from fire, then let Fire Spoons help. For a small fee and access to your underwear drawer we’ll check your spoons for you. This hassle free service only takes a few minutes but a fire caused by a lack of spoons could take a lot longer, couldn’t it? Ask for Agnetha on Sputum 8988768778
WANT TO TRY POETRY? But don’t know where to start? Try with a first line and go from there. For more poetry tips visit www.youcouldbeapoetifonlyyougotoffyourfatlegsanddidsomething.co.uk
FLOWERS Have small CCTV cameras in them linked to hell. The devil uses them to watch you. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.
FOUND. I’ve found my cat, Mrs Tinkle. Thanks to everyone who got in touch to help me find her. Particular thanks go to RAF Biffordshire Tornado Squadron who managed to shoot Mrs Tinkle down over Berkshire as she attempted to strafe Windsor Castle. I’m so embarrassed. I honestly thought her having a pilot’s licence would give her an interest and get her out of the house.
RHODENDRON BUSHES – are wigs for the devil’s demons, allowing them to go incognito and spy on you as you get undressed at bedtime. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.
Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
I see them Hedgehog Twins have been out on the razz again this week. Your loyal servant Tabloid Squirrel CAUGHT up with a close friend of the stars who have featured in films such as Benjie’s Revenge and Why are you still bleeding Mr Robinson? to get the inside gen. By all accounts the twins, Debbie, 19 and Doris, 24 were partying the night away at exclusive club HERPES until well past their bedtime. The twinkle toed twins were spotted knocking back the rum and cokes before LEAVING with Hollywood A-lister Zac Backencrack. Daddy, multi-millionaire film producer Marvin T. Robot, won’t be a happy BUNNY reading this. My guess is that they will be in T-rouble when they finally crawl home!
Meanwhile closer to home, it looks like the Krayfish brothers are in a right ol’ pickle with their dear departed marvvver, to whom they were so good while she was alive. Having escaped from prison just last week the boys are already turning their attentions to their next big scam – Scaletrix! Reggie Krayfish has already held high level talks with Hornby and their plans to make an autobiographical version of the popular kids’ toy are starting to take SHAPE. But their fledging business won’t please their poor departed ma. She was a MASSIVE fan of Buckaroo and her will stipulated that the lads could only depict their life of crime and violence through a game of luck and chance involving small plastic barrels, spades and saddlebags. Insiders reckon she has already VISITED the family home and ticked the boys off proper style during a recent SÉANCE. What the fack?
And finally, Arctic terns are famous for undertaking the longest migration of any BIRD. Some individuals travel from the Arctic to the Antarctic and back again over the course of a year. Their migration means that they NEVER really have a winter – cos when the northern hemisphere experiences its winter months, the birds are in the southern hemisphere, and VICE versa. That’s a facking tern up for the books!