MonkeyBroth is determined to give you, you glorious creature, the most ‘now’ and ‘it’ announcements that are achievable within the bounds of English law.
We’ll own up that we did hire a sneak-thief in an attempt to steal upcoming announcements before they were released but, due to a typo with the admin, we were sent a steak-thief instead. We have apologised to Clive, our friendly local butcher, and returned the ill-gotten rump, shoulder and brisket to him post-haste.
Frosty Bobbins? Nippy Needles? Need you thimbles thawing? The coming cold snap promises to play merry hell with our treasured knitting and sewing tools but you can protect your investment with Steamstress. Simply pop your implements into the Steamstress storage area and fill the steam reservoir with tap water to keep the contents at a perfect 300 degrees Kelvin. Also works with Quick-Unpicks and Seam-Rippers. Available now at your local, inexplicably dark and disconcertingly quiet Haberdashery shop.
Warning, items removed from your Steamstress will be hot or possibly molten. Please allow items to cool for 48 hours before use.
Important message from Biffordshire County Council Due to the punishing winter climate taking its toll on our highways, Biffordshire County Council has initiated a series of road and byway repairs in and around the town of Spimlatch. Closures will be kept to a minimum and highways that experience heavy use will have night-time repairs. The following works are planned;
– The A8008 between Dank Lane and Spinney Jimmy Crescent
– Spooning Avenue adjacent to The Boating Spaniel Public House
– The Bridge over the river Why
– The floor of Melon & Sons green grocers (just under the lemon stand)
– Mrs. Jumplead’s creaky landing at 51 Beevertooth Road
Thank you for your patience.
Graham and Bunty’s Jam Cottage is open for business! After literally hours of renovation, the old florists in Hanktitch High Street has been TRANSFORMED into The Jam Cottage! Ready for all your taxidermy needs, The Jam Cottage provides the full stuffed animal service. We’ll stuff anything from a Llama to a favourite pet woodlouse. Competitive prices guaranteed. Poses and historical scenes a speciality. Check out our window display depicting The Battle of Lowestoft in spectacular detail.
Open from 11am till late! Pop in for a consultation and a biscuit.
MonkeyBroth is determined to give you, dear, dear reader, the most up-to-date announcements that are possible within the rules of time and space.
In fact, so keen are we that you are incredibly well-informed, we tried building a time machine so that we could acquire the announcements before they were conceived. Unfortunately, we quickly realised that building a time machine was a bit more difficult than we thought. Silly really, if it was that easy, someone would have done it already I suppose. Anyway, we’ve decided that we’ll stick to Meryl in the canteen who researches using Innovations magazine. Good enough really…
Me-cankers – New from MonkeyBroth kids! Conkers for the 21st century – it’s mechanical in some way! Me-cankers is the fun electronic game for all the family. Just string your ‘canker’ onto some electrical wire for hours of ball-bashing hilarity! The object of the game is simple; the first player to have their ball smashed by their opponent loses and has to live out their days knowing that they are inferior to the other player in at least one respect. Me-cankers – the new name in kids entertainment (Disclaimer: Some children may ultimately find this quite dull).
MonkeyBroth is recruiting! We need someone to come around and blow all of the dust and old food matter from our hard-worked keyboards. If you have the hunger to learn and to get on in life, you could be the person that we’re looking for! The successful candidate will have a City & Guilds Hygiene Level 1 certificate, a diploma in Mechanical engineering and a can of surprisingly expensive compressed air. A Degree in Biological Chemistry is preferred but not essential. Send your CV and something nice (Muffins always go down well) to; MonkeyBroth Towers, Pigeon Street, Cum-Wisely, Biffordshire, CW8 78X. Applications Close 11 November 2012 (or sooner if we manage to extract that piece of melted cheddar that’s jamming my space bar).
Have you ever noticed that your fridge gets all crusty where you put the milk in it? If so, Milky Milky Go Away can help. Just ring our free-phone number, and a qualified Milky Milky Go Away crust removal engineer will be with you within weeks. That’s right, no more wondering just what unpleasant life forms are building their own evil civilisation within the detritus of your fridge-skank. Milky Milky Go Away has been a member of the Lactose Scud Removal Society since 1912. Call now for a quote or even just a chat – we’re quite quiet at the moment. 0898 MILKYAWAY
Do you have any idea just how seriously we take our public service commitments? I’ll bet you don’t. But let me tell you, it’s all straight faces and grim determination here at MonkeyBroth towers when it comes to bringing you, not just the cutting or bleeding edge information, but the blubbing-whilst-mummy-puts-a-plaster-on-it edge information.
Who you gonna call? Ghost Scissors that’s who! If you’re scared of ghosts, ghouls and poltergeists then Ghost Scissors can help! A pair of these, lodged at just the right angle to jam your kitchen drawer, will do all the hard work. They also work on Headless Horsemen, things under your bed, the monster in the cupboard, zombies, Daniel Radcliffe, werewolves and werewomen, even sealed packaging and paper! Yes, Ghost Scissors truly are the answer to that question that you asked in your head last week while waiting in that haunted branch of Budgens. Terrified of spooks? Cut it out!
New from MonkeyBroth games, Clap Trap is the word association game for all ages from 34 to 36. Clap Trap combines the smugness of Trivial Pursuits with the pointless hours of setting up a rickety, barely functioning, plastic, mechanical contraption that contains exactly eight seconds of ‘fun’ once triggered. Laugh at your friends’ ignorance as they don’t know what the Fibonacci sequence is. Grimace as the plastic gerbil attached to the submarine pops off the spindle without pushing the coffee maker into HMS Invincible. Laugh as you find the intangible rulebook under the settee almost a decade after buying it. Clap Trap. Only a letter away from the truth!
Hengleberb Mankledink returns with his masterful comeback album, Shimplederk – Klankle Hearts Rejoiceickle. Come closer than ever before to Memplebarb’s soulful rendition of ‘Baby Got Back-shumple’. Immerse your lobes on his re-imagining of ‘I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That-umpa’. Drop into a solemn pool of sound with his cover of ‘Wait and Bleed-huffle’. Also contains the finale of his incredible trilogy, ‘Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang’. Flanklebend Hyperburp – Klankle Hearts. Out now only on Prey-Tel.
Monkeybroth Public Services Announcements
‘I don’t know who you are but you’re a read dead ringer for love, a real dead ringer for love’. So sang popular and hugely rotund front man Meat Loaf. And by the power of Greyskull he was right you know. Here at Monkeybroth Towers we take our public service commitments extremely seriously. We don’t know you from Adam, unless you are called Adam and we know you, but even then we don’t even know you. You could be anybody coming on our website and leaving it all messy and sticky with your views. Our point is we don’t know who you are but there is one thing we are sure of – you are a dead ringer for love in our eyes. Even you, Barry Frecklesack from Lowestoft!
- Like a flutter? Enjoy the comforting warmth of a decent pair of slippers? We bet you do! Now you can combine your gambling and footwear passions with Bet Slippers. With Bet Slippers, you’ll never be short of a good tip or a good pair of slippers! Bet Slippers come with a choice of delightful linings, from soft and bouncy fleece to more demanding marbles – if you like to be kept on your toes and are perhaps not so much a fan of comfortable slippers preferring them to be hard and a difficult item to wear. You pays your money you take your choice of slipper lining. No matter, because with Bet Slippers you’ll soon be wallowing ankle deep in ill-earned cash direct from the bookmakers! Interested? It’s odds on you are! Bet Slippers are 87 per cent accurate predictors of interesting sporting event results, but please consult your doctor before engaging in any heavy lifting or implementing a change in your exercise regime. Visit www.betslipperswinmeadream.com and choose your lining Mister. Today is the last day of the weekend when your cash dreams will come true!
- In 1947 the average size of a man’s ears was six inches long and three inches across. In 2012, that average size has shrunk to a shocking four inches in length and just two inches across. Please help us reverse this trend by making a donation today. There are many reasons why men’s ears have been shrivelling up like a mouse with rigor mortis over the decades; over-fishing, global warming and human predation are just three. The destruction of the Amazonian rain forests is another reason as is the fact that ears have just gotten smaller somehow. This isn’t some distant, third world problem – it’s affecting all ears everywhere, even perhaps on your head or on a head very much like it near you or not that near at all. Together we can do so much to enlarge men’s ears. Give us the chance to help men like Arthur Tidyhorse from Binkley whose own ears have shrunk by up to 30 per cent in the last decade alone. Arthur reports erectile difficulties and says his marriage has been hit by his ever decreasing ear size. Last week, Arthur lost his job and his driving licence – all because of his laughably small ears. You, yes you, could be next. So please, help Arthur and others like him by donating here today. www.bfgtakingthepiss.com. Thank you….
- Would you like to swing on a star? Perhaps you’ve always wanted to carry home moonbeams in a jar? Well now you can thanks to Pocket Planetarium. Brought to you from the makers of Flip-Flop Aquarium, your dreams of owning your own pocket-sized planetarium are just beginning. To get things started visit our website below and choose which stars, galaxies and horse-shoe style nebulae you would like in your pocket, or pockets. All that glitters in the firmament will be yours to own and house in your very own pockets! Impress your friends and neighbours by having lots of stars and other heavenly things right there in your very own trousers! Visit www.planetpants.org.uk to start your celestial dreams today – they are not a million miles away you know (in fact we’re in Bedford).
Welcome to Monkeybroth’s public announcements service. Here at Monkeybroth towers, we take our public service responsibilities very seriously. We love, cherish and respect our communities. We want to hug them and squeeze them dry. We want to leave them dried up and properly spent. No more juice in them at all because we would have squeezed every drop out of them. Because we love them so much. That’s why we squeeze them. Hard.
- Have you got tired and tatty buckets just lying around your house, doing nothing like a bunch of drippy, wispy-bearded, spitty little fag smoking hormone- pumped teenagers? Perhaps you have some much loved buckets which have seen better days under the kitchen cupboard, just crying out for some much needed TLBC – that’s tender, loving, bucket care in our book! Well, fret no longer. We will sporadically come around your house and breathe new life into your buckets using our special carbon life form based bucket glue. Totally toxic and harmful to pets, it will spruce up your buckets proper style. No more embarrassing grotty buckets for you, oh no! Visit bucketsnotgrimynomore.com yesterday!
- How often do you wish you could turn your cherished family memories into spoons? Wish no longer – Memory Spoons has got a (spoon) handle on it for you! It doesn’t matter what your memory is, we can spoon it for you – bar mitzvahs, birthdays, family circumcisions whatever the occasion. Why not turn that time Uncle Colin fell into the canal into a spoon? Perhaps your mum’s hysterectomy would look good in a carelessly designed and created dessert spoon format? Nothing says ‘sorry to hear for your loss’ more than turning cherished funeral memories into a spoon and sending it to the grieving parties involved. This week only… ladles! Big chunky ladles full of your memories. Yes. Visit memoryspoonsarethefuture.com today and we’ll do the rest. Memory Spoons – we’ll do your remembering for you by putting it in memory spoon format, so remember us today. Don’t forget to remember us!
- Rock and indeed Roll – turn your family pets into members of 80s rockers ZZ Top with our new food supplement. Simply add our special ‘ZZ Top Up’ sauce to your pet’s food and hey presto, overnight your pet will turn, miraculously, into smaller but just as furry, members of ZZ Top! Your pet will be giving YOU all the lovin’, with ZZ Top Up. Don’t let your neighbours be the talk of the cul-de-sac with their Hawkind llamas or Iron Maiden goldfish – they are rubbish! ZZ Top your pets today and relax, this idea has legs! Visit yesmypetsareboringpleaseturnthemintozztoptoday.com for more details. You’ll regret it!
Monkeybroth Public service announcements
Welcome to Monkeybroth’s public announcements service. Here at Monkeybroth towers, we take our public service responsibilities very seriously. We love, cherish and respect our communities… hang on we’ve already done this. Suffice to say, dear reader, the below public service announcements will help us all defeat globalism and the rising tide of imperialistic dogma which so blights our lives. Or something like that.
- Gold for Gold! Do you have large quantities of gold? Send it us today using our you-pay envelopes. Simply get an envelope, stick a stamp on it and stuff all your gold into it. Once it arrives we’ll eventually open it and look at it for a bit. Then we’ll send it back! What could be simpler? We all need extra gold these days so go for gold by visiting goldforgold.com. We are as good as gold!
- Blue suede shoes? Do you have a pair? Well, we’ll come round your house and step on them for you. Since 1987 we’ve been doing stuff that songs tell us we can’t do. Special offer this week – We will break your heart, we do know a lot about biology and we do know a lot about a science book. We will also leave you with this way, and naturally we do want you, baby! For a frankly ridiculous fee, we’ll come around to your house and do all this stuff! Visit doingstuffsongssaywecan’t.com today!
- Talking of Elvis, see public service announcement above, do you have any spare Elvis Presley’s in your house? We can come round and turn them into elves. How many times a day do you wish your spare Elvis Presley’s could be elves instead? We are betting it’s a lot of times. Don’t just sit there – turn your Elvis Presley’s into Elves today! (24 hour emergency call out fee applies). Visit elvistoelves.co.uk this very afternoon. You don’t need to have a suspicious mind about our service!