MonkeyBroth’s male lifestyle guru and part time midwife, Simon Thrombosis, helps you achieve….uh….stuff with your life. Probably the impossible.
Martin Xylophone from Lower Stain writes – “Dear Si, I feel inadequate when mixing with my peers. How can I feel more Alpha-male in their company?”
Si – Martin my little friend, it is very simple. Make sure you have the biggest income, the fastest car and the shiniest wife. A huge schlong can certainly help, but unless you are going to invest in a pair of glass-fronted slacks or Lycra shorts, the money, car and a brassy wife are certainly easier ways to win bragging rights to the title of group silverback.
Other factors to help you mug off your mates;
- Being hirsute
- Being well dressed
- The maximum diving depth of your watch
- Having an unusual way of opening beer bottles
- Being a braying idiot
These are my tips Martin. Use them well.
Shamus Hotpocket from Dampcrotch writes – “Hi Si, I’m tired of helping to build up the business for my employers. They are mean and sometimes laugh at me in the canteen. What advice can you give me to move on in life?”
Si – I’ll tell you what Shamus, first you need to exercise some serious pay-back to the ones laughing at you.
Set fire to them Shamus. Make sure they know it was you. Tell them to suck it up and that if you hear any more, their family and friends will be next. Your following move is not to build up your own business. Take theirs by extreme force if necessary. TAKE IT! Suckers will wish they hadn’t set eyes on you.
They’ll never laugh at you again Shamus. Never.
Frank Hexagons from Girth writes – ‘”Si, please help. Just recently, I’ve been thinking about returning to education but I find learning terrifying. I dropped out of school quite young but since the birth of my first son, I feel he’s owed a dad who he can be proud of. How can I get over my fear of learning?”
Si – I’ll be Frank with you Frank. You owe your Son nothing.
What right has he got coming into this world unexpectedly and demanding things of you eh Frank? Teach the snivelling little tyke that he’ll get what he’s given in life. Teach him that he’ll have his thicko dad and like it!
Nowadays, kids think they are all entitled to a new-age caring, sharing earth-father that will do their flipping homework for them, pay for their endless requirement for new shoes and provide them with life lessons.
One life lesson you need to give him Frank, GROW UP!
Is this stuff even legal? …well…. more life-changing advice from Simon soon chaps, unless he takes over the office by force.