Going cheap – Chicks!
Geddit?!? Eh? Ay?!? No seriously, we have some chicks for sale and they are reasonably priced.
Call Ben Whitecliffs on Bletch 784 523
Ford Ming 19.1 L, 17 valve
In suspicious fawn with full veneer and artichoke interior. FSH. 6 sleeve gearbox, Elastic windows, Icyfox seats, Front frogs, Artbags and alloy weevils. CL, GSOH, WLTM, LOL, TL;DR, AFAIR. Comes with 12 mins MOT and Tics.
Call Dunkly Musk on a phone if possible
Concrete driveway for sale
Due to having my driving licence taken away from me, I have no need for my driveway. Much loved but has to go to make way for a bike rack. Buyer collects.
Call Mungo on Upper Crunge 564 125
For sale, my Complete Works of Danny Dyer box set. Includes ‘My F#$kin’ Britain’, ‘Sh*t me it’s a Weasel’ and his much loved ‘Christ I C@cking’ Love Bridgend trilogy. I’ll throw in a rare first edition of ‘Knitting Sh*te for Geezers’ for the right price.
End of the world Headphones
I’ve got a pair of P.M. Dawn branded headphones for sale. These are the noise cancelling model but unfortunately, the noise cancelling function has developed a fault which means that they cancel their own noise out. This causes an audio paradox that threatens the fabric of space and time. May be fixable.
Free to a collector – call Derrick Shambles on Skunchton 687451
Great condition with only slight cosmetic damage. Terrified of water but can be used for inflating very small hot air balloons. Alopecia forces reluctant sale.
£12 ono – email me on firstname.lastname@example.org
In only lightly foxed condition, this fox has a lovely face, can erect a marquee in only 15 seconds and has been taught proper table manners – none of that elbows on the table tat you get with lesser foxes. Due to reduced circumstances, I am unable to finish this fox but he only needs a few skills to make him the full package. First to see will buy!
Phone or Fox Sandra Spandex – Cleft 454547
Outrageously small molluscs
Due to civic unrest, I have a warehouse full to the doorstop in outrageously small molluscs for knock-down prices! ‘How small?’ I hear you ask! They are even more outrageously small than my sale on incredulously miniscule Italian grandmothers last week. Yes, they really are that outrageously small! Discount for bulk purchases over 35 grams.
Call Fred MacAspoon – Baffle 110010
Tomahawk missile – Still boxed with instructions, enamel paints and decals. Buyer will need a trailer to take away. Unwanted present as I’m more into Claymore mines. Call Damian Frunk – Upper Clunge 020 5415
Like Moths? – OMG!!!! Me too!!!!!!!!!! I just love moths!!!!! I mean I really just adore moths! I think the way they crash repeatedly into light bulbs is soooooo cute! Give me a call if you want to talk about moths coz they rock my world!!!! CHRIST!!!!! MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fax Betty Deathshead on Coitus-twixt-the-Sea 285715
Vast Knitted Fawns – Due to an amazing coincidence involving bottle tops, I have over 200 vast knitted fawns for sale at knock-down prices. These vast knitted fawns range in vastness from a conservative 150 square feet to over 300 miles in width. Must go as I need the space for a consignment of biblically-huge crocheted Tapirs. Email Barry.Fountain@glosscoat.not
Wanted – Classified ad – I want to sell my collection of mouldy Harvey Keitel figurines but I need some advertising space. If you know of somewhere I can advertise my rotten dolls or can supply some space, I’d love to hear from you! Please call Ptolemy Drunge on P.Drunge@felch.can
One, Two, Buckle my shoe – Three, four come buy my door! £67.50 or near offer. Can you just print that? Yeah, I like it… it’s snappy. No, don’t put the bit about dry rot in. I don’t want to put people off. So that will be up for 7 days yeah? Ok, no that’s great. Thanks for the help… click….buzzzzzz…. Darcy Handcream on Swang 478 478
Possible swap – Swop-Shop sweater size small
A knitted homage to the popular children’s Saturday morning show. Fully certified memorabilia complete with Mike Reid’s (maygodresthissoul) stamp of disapproval. May throw in a Cheggers’ Goes Pap (rare misprint) eiderdown if the deal is right.
May swap for Manimal desk fan.
Call 64646804086406406+40640496046 for misdirection.
Wanted – Ghost Dad on DVD
Has anyone got this on DVD? Is it an actual film or have I made it up? I think it may have Kenneth Branagh in it and be themed around Bakewell Tart. I’m not sure. There may have been a follow up called The Misadventures of a Grave Digga possibly starring Frampton O’Cake as a bowling alley instructor. Whatever. I don’t wish to pay anything so you can get that idea out of your head.
Contact me on: Telepathy
Were you that girl?
Well were you? Don’t be shy – get in touch via the medium of dance. I’ve got a car, a small flat and three pairs of trousers and I’m willing to share (just the trousers mind).
See you soon pretty lady!!
For sale – A framed picture of my cousin
No particular reason for sale. She’s no stunner but is ‘handsome’ in a certain light and fully washable. Non smoking on account of it being a picture. First to see will wonder what on earth happened.
Just pop round.