Various items for sale
I’ve been having a clear out and have the following up for grabs – 8 mint imperials, a Pedigree Chum mobile phone which will only take calls from Jamaica, some high-grade plums, a Bang & Olufsen carpet cleaner, a Vax CD player and a corset for garden gnomes.
£10 for each item or £5 the lot.
Call Bobby Swallows on [Private Number Withheld]
Ocsferd Dikshonary in gud condishon. Jenuin reeson foor seling. Wood suet klevur purson or stewdant. A bit fockst on teh covur but nise uthurwyse. Severn pownds fore a kwic sayl.
contakt Mervin on mervindothydeatgeemaildotcowdotyoukay
Not for sale, just wanted to say that I have one. You probably don’t! Ha Ha! I’ve got a Porsche and you don’t! Bet you’d like to have one though wouldn’t you? It’s red! Ha! RED! Bet you’d like a red 80’s Porsche wouldn’t you eh? Yeah, of course you would! But you haven’t, so suck it up!
May swap for Astra Diesel
Due to a leaky kettle, we have hundreds of simply massive foam horse effigies at unbelievable prices! From a Palomino to a lovely Bay, we’ve got just the simply massive foam horse effigy that you’ve been searching for! Also see our utterly enormous cakes in the shape of Graham Norton!
Located in Short Compton right next to the DangerMouse museum.
For sale – Action-Baby-stroller ‘Rampage Armageddon’ special editor)
In great condition with instructions. All blades and spikes have been kept meticulously sharp. Machine guns are fully stocked with 25 clips of ammo. Mortar cannon has just been professionally serviced. Comes complete with rain cover, cosy toes and landmines.
Contact Capt. Philip Brown-Sauce on firstname.lastname@example.org
A Pensioner’s Guide to Norwich – Wipe clean edition
Gives pensioners all the strategic hangouts for blocking aisles in Budgens, where to stand to cause maximum embarrassment to young couples shopping for family planning in Lloyds the chemists and the cheapest places to eat gammon, egg and chips. Comes with a fold out map of the best burlesque hotspots.
Visit our web shop to order NOW!
Earwig Factory – Sale or rent
Due to a family bereavement, the Gunterflask Earwig factory in West Flankington is surplus to requirement. The building has fallen into its dotage somewhat and will require some remedial work. The earwig-powered millstone will require renovation, but otherwise the property is sound. A rare opportunity to acquire an original 19th century earwig powered piece of history.
Please enquire in writing to Buffet & Loike Ltd.
Special liveried Fiat Brava SX for sale – going cheep
Fully serviced by Anne Diamond from new. Recent cambelt change carried out by HSBC and professionally valeted by Frankie Boyle (quite a poor job in all honesty). Can be seen in mirrors and through contact lenses etc. Has been professionally painted to look like a sparrow. Genuine reason for sale – I have a pathological fear of sparrows. And Fiats.
Please, please call spaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrppppppppp as soon as possible. It’s looking at me all funny.
For sale or WHY? – Ship and window frame
Full sized 3 mast Clipper and UPVC bathroom window for immediate delivery! Boat can be positioned a long way from window to give a splendid nautical view or positioned closer for more detailed viewing. Window also works with other items placed at strategic distances to give the illusion of depth. Bring 3D to your home without the aid of those unwieldy TVs.
Contact me by flag semaphore or email email@example.com
Goats resolutely not for sale!
Honestly, what do I have to do to stop you guys pestering me for pedigree Bionda dell’Adamello goats? I haven’t any goats at the lowest prices around. My goats (that I do not have) are not on 2 for 1 special offer and are certainly not the best kept goats in Biffordshire. NO GOATS! Geddit? I cannot relieve you of your money for that goat that you’ve always promised yourself.
DO NOT CONTACT ME by my email. Which is firstname.lastname@example.org
MORRISSEY for sale – 16in frame with 15 Shimano gears. Hardly worn. Will sing Smiths hits if stroked. Requires 12 AA batteries. Little bit of rust in the usual places but first to see will buy, so don’t miss out. The gravitational pull of the moon forces reluctant sale. £18 Call 01224 7878784457689 and ask for Derek or one of the Dominoes.
CHE GUEVARA COLANDER – for sale. Crafted in the shape of the revolutionary leader and iconic figure. Vendor moving to Ventnor to find venue for vending machine. Colander is genuine collector’s item – make a perfect gift for fans of kitchen appliances in the shape of revolutionary leaders. Also available Garibaldi Spatula and Trotsky Griddle Pan. Entire set £43 ovno. Ask for Barry Britches on 444666777.
THE PIPS – former Gladys Knight backing singers for sale. Can be seen with mother. Fully wormed and inoculated and KC registered. All boys, ready for a new home immediately. Come with microphones and silver tuxedo style suits. Ideal first backing singers, fully harmonised and ready to go. To view, catch the midnight train and ask for Georgia.
POTATOES – two potatoes for sale. Unwanted competition prize. Unpeeled, ideal gift for potato fans. New cambelt fitted, attention needed to electrics hence bargain price £1,600 ono.
STALIN SHOES – Get in on the latest craze! Crocs shoes with pictures of Stalin on them. Comfortable and practical in sizes 4-11. Red only. March your way to the Urals in these high fashion items, ideal for a Siberian summer and for children with communist values everywhere. Call Red Ronnie on the phone
DOLPHIN PYSCHIC – My underwater mammal can predict your future accurately and safely. 100 per cent tuna friendly service. Readings can be done in person (please bring swimming trunks) or over the phone. Please allow minutes between readings as dolphin can get terribly tired. Full interpretation manual provided at time of writing. No Pisces please as you tend to distract dolphin from the job in hand. Call Mystic Mark and the Dolphin of Doom on 8999675. Friendly local service (based in Clumhound, Barkfordshire)
MY GRANDMOTHER – popular matriarchal octogenarian for sale. People keep telling me I would do it so here I am doing it. Lovely temperament, ideal replacement for lost elderly relatives. Slight wear and tear to chassis but structurally sound. Born post-war so very few combat stories to share. Buyer must provide own port and lemon and be prepared to register my Gran as SORN. Comes with shawl and brand new stainless steel dribble bowl. Answers to Doris but will respond to ‘Felix’ ‘Arthur’ and ‘Leo Sayer’. No time wasters please. Viewing strictly by appointment only. Call on me, Eric Prydz, on 76866788.
TRAILER – for sale or rent. Also room to let, 50c. Please note I am not selling a phone or a pool. No pets either. Will consider part exchange in return for two hours pushing broom for this or for an eight by twelve four bit room. Ain’t got no cigarettes so smoking is strictly forbidden. Call King Of The Road lettings and ask for Dean.
STAR WARS collectible inflatables. Due to a factory fire I have three Stars Wars inflatables for sale. One Darth Vader inflatable plus two full size Ewoks. Ewoks come with inflatable spears and will emit low grunts when squeezed. Due to damage Darth Vader does not inflate fully – meaning head droops to one side. Ideal for children’s parties or Star Wars themed inflatable parties. £15 each ovno. Will consider part ex for £15. Call me and ask for Spagna – yes, the 1980s Italian pop princess.
Possible swap – Swop-Shop sweater size small
A knitted homage to the popular children’s Saturday morning show. Fully certified memorabilia complete with Mike Reid’s (maygodresthissoul) stamp of disapproval. May throw in a Cheggers’ Goes Pap (rare misprint) eiderdown if the deal is right.
May swap for Manimal desk fan.
Call 64646804086406406+40640496046 for misdirection.
Wanted – Ghost Dad on DVD
Has anyone got this on DVD? Is it an actual film or have I made it up? I think it may have Kenneth Branagh in it and be themed around Bakewell Tart. I’m not sure. There may have been a follow up called The Misadventures of a Grave Digga possibly starring Frampton O’Cake as a bowling alley instructor. Whatever. I don’t wish to pay anything so you can get that idea out of your head.
Contact me on: Telepathy
Were you that girl?
Well were you? Don’t be shy – get in touch via the medium of dance. I’ve got a car, a small flat and three pairs of trousers and I’m willing to share (just the trousers mind).
See you soon pretty lady!!
For sale – A framed picture of my cousin
No particular reason for sale. She’s no stunner but is ‘handsome’ in a certain light and fully washable. Non smoking on account of it being a picture. First to see will wonder what on earth happened.
Just pop round.
Connect Four (4) for sale
Spares or repair, nice smell to it but missing half the counters. Remaining counters grind a little on the way down. This upsets our dog hence the sale. Can provide images of war damage if required. No canvass or other water-proof nonsense please.
Incredible Hulk – The Hits! On Sony Minidisc
Wonderful album. Only selling due to syphilis. Slight jam damage to the 2nd track but does not affect the storyline. Includes the tracks ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green (and furious)’, ‘Christ that’s the Third Shirt This Week’ and the timeless ‘Spider Gonna Bite Ya on da Finger Fool’. £15 or may part exchange for Kia Pride or similar.
Call mah, mah, nah, nah, faust…
@@@@@@@Dreams!!!! For Sale@@@@@Look!!!!@@@@GO ON LOOK!!!!!@@@@@
I’ve got your dreams you schnitzel-faced wuss! You want them back, you’re going to have to pay!!! I’m going to ‘play with’ every one of them until you pay up you Copenhagen gouting fuss-pot! Or else! God I’m angry!
Don’t contact me, I’ll contact you…. Probably by text, I’m a busy woman (with your dreams you guppy-faced boil).
Christ on a unicycle – Goats
Seriously, I don’t have any top quality Grisons Striped goats for sale! Please stop contacting me to purchase finest stock goats! These goats are the best you’ll find, but I don’t sell them. Therefore, a transaction involving you, me and any goats is out of the question.
Ignore this contact – email@example.com
Do you like goats? Would you like to buy a goat? There are people that sell them you know? But I’m not one of them.
Don’t contact firstname.lastname@example.org as I don’t have any goats to sell.
Plug socket for sale – Great condition
Can power dishwasher or similar appliance. Comes with free electricity (clean 220 volt none of that dirty 110 volt smut). Can be seen working with a Glade Plug In if required. First to see may or may not buy.
Call email@example.com for further confusion.
Professional sighs – Boxed. Mint.
A 12 pack of perfectly preserved sighs from Gail Porter. Vintage: collected pre-alopecia and boxed in a commemorative waxed cardboard box. Perfect gift for a step daughter or distant aunt.
Get in touch on firstname.lastname@example.org