Disco pig – Halloween special
Posted: 31/10/2013 Filed under: Disco Pig | Tags: chart, Disco Pig, funny, halloween, music, spooky Leave a comment
Can’t breathe in dis thing!
Whoooooo…. WhoooOOOOooooo…. WhhhoooooooooOOOO! Nah, is not a ghost! Is me, Disco pig coming atcha like spooky pair a dungarees! Totally!
Disco pig, he loves Halloween coz he gets to do some of that Trick or Treatin’. Last year, some geezer on da posh estate, he bin tellin’ us that we not getting no treat, so we came back later and we treat us to his car keys! He be handin’ out da Haribo like a good boi dis year me think!
Disco pig also be playin’ up at the community centre lataz at the annual Monster Mosh, and here are some of da hauntin’ hoof hammerers me be playin!
The Decapitation Brothers – Don’t lose your head (down the back of the sofa)
Fright Train – Hell soulless sister
The Multifunctional Vampires – The JML bloodlust jamboree
The Clanking Chains – Comin’ off the sprocket
Day-Zee ft. Mad Fitt – Bryony, the Zombies are back again. I’ll tell them to try the Patterson’s next door
Schrilllllooricxxxx – Even monsters had mums once
Spectral Bookies – All bats are off
The Curse of Miss Malaprop – Prick or feet
The Jason Voorhees Ensemble – Why can’t I just meet a nice lady and settle down?
Pendulous – Calor gas night terrors
The Gangrenous Toads – Hubble double trouble
The Michael Jackson Puppetry Theatre – Thriller 2013 (strung-up mix)
Poetry corner
Posted: 25/10/2013 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: Frankenstein, funny, halloween, monster, poetry, shoddy, strange 3 CommentsThe Shoddy Monster – by Chesney Flatiron
Terrible workmanship
He had never seen a nose,
Look quite as strange as that,
A question to him it did pose,
A thinking under hat
Now he looked the ears were poor,
The eyes were not all there,
Feet that shouldn’t touch the floor,
And hands that were not paired
The more he looked the more he found,
The faults the fizgog featured,
The torso it was far too round,
A funny looking creature
Because the stitching was so rough,
This time he’d save the lightning,
Formaldehyde’s expensive stuff,
The next beast would be frightening
MonekyBroth classifieds
Posted: 18/10/2013 Filed under: Monkeybroth classifieds | Tags: classifieds, for sale, foxes, hydraphobia, molluscs, P.M. Dawn Leave a commentEnd of the world Headphones
I’ve got a pair of P.M. Dawn branded headphones for sale. These are the noise cancelling model but unfortunately, the noise cancelling function has developed a fault which means that they cancel their own noise out. This causes an audio paradox that threatens the fabric of space and time. May be fixable.
Free to a collector – call Derrick Shambles on Skunchton 687451
Hydrophobic hairdryer
Great condition with only slight cosmetic damage. Terrified of water but can be used for inflating very small hot air balloons. Alopecia forces reluctant sale.
£12 ono – email me on hairtoday@dampness.net
Unfinished Fox
In only lightly foxed condition, this fox has a lovely face, can erect a marquee in only 15 seconds and has been taught proper table manners – none of that elbows on the table tat you get with lesser foxes. Due to reduced circumstances, I am unable to finish this fox but he only needs a few skills to make him the full package. First to see will buy!
Phone or Fox Sandra Spandex – Cleft 454547
Outrageously small molluscs
Due to civic unrest, I have a warehouse full to the doorstop in outrageously small molluscs for knock-down prices! ‘How small?’ I hear you ask! They are even more outrageously small than my sale on incredulously miniscule Italian grandmothers last week. Yes, they really are that outrageously small! Discount for bulk purchases over 35 grams.
Call Fred MacAspoon – Baffle 110010
O restaurante que a minha mãe atirou em um homem em
Posted: 11/10/2013 Filed under: Monkeybroth cuisine | Tags: eating, funny, Portugal, Portuguese, resturant Leave a comment
Come dine at Thrunk’s finest Portuguese restaurant – right next door to Thrunk’s second finest Portuguese restaurant in Rumbelows Lane.
We cater to all shapes and genders regardless of nationality or pet ownership (no dogs please). We are also farm machinery-friendly and operate strict no groping zones at each end of the premises.
Starters
Cautious Goujons with a mudcat terrine
Little tiny Brian Blessed cakes
A surprised marmot with fried potato strips
Mains
A bilious of tarmac with flotsam and jetsam coulis
Hermetically sealed hermit with a shy salad
Fame! cutlet with live for ever fries
Flame grilled Saturn with onion rings
Pudding will be…
…having an epiphany
Please ensure that you are who you say you are and not an imposter pretending to be who you aren’t. Thank you for your understanding.
Rock Stars in the morning
Posted: 04/10/2013 Filed under: Rockstars in the morning... | Tags: ALice Cooper, fiction, morning, rock, Star Leave a commentNumber 4: Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper’s Dad: Hey Alice, did ya sleep well champ?
Alice Cooper: Not so good Dad. Not so good…
Alice Cooper’s Dad: Is it the nightmares again son?
Alice Cooper: Yeah, the big boys were chasing me again and this time, they almost caught me.
Alice Cooper’s Dad: Aww son, I feel for you I sure do. Did you bring your bedding down with ya sport?
Alice Cooper: Yeah Dad… sorry….
Alice Cooper’s Dad: Don’t be sorry son. It’s just a phase big guy.
Bless… He was a troubled youth wasn’t he eh? More completely spurious Rock Star post-nocturnal tales soon folks!
Poetry corner
Posted: 30/09/2013 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: beards, fluff, funny, goatee, hair, poetry Leave a commentOh! For the love of beards! – By Drunkle Spiderbite
A whisker away from greatness.
Have you ever seen a man,
Look better minus beard,
A bearded man he has a plan,
A smooth-faced man be feared
Designer stubble just won’t cut,
Trimmed goatee is just fraud,
With great big beards the case is shut,
With mono-brow for awe
See that fluff upon your lip,
It could make you a martyr,
But when you shave here is a tip,
You look a deal less smarter
So leave it be whilst walking tall,
Forget about the itching,
For when the writing’s on the wall
A beard won’t stand for bitching
Life of Si
Posted: 24/09/2013 Filed under: Other stuff | Tags: advice, boozer, cocktails, funny, lifestyle, skanky, wizards Leave a comment
Cocktails. Simon says -Not always a warning. Sometimes just a cry for help.
Simon Thrombosis, MonkeyBroth’s guru of both ‘life’ and ‘style’ and part-time chiropodist, is back to solve those daily lifestyle concerns. You know the style of them – the life ones? Yes those.
Donny Callforward of Spongy Marsh writes – Dear Si, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom recently. I don’t think my wife is attracted to me since I lost my job at the fishmongers. I’m worried that she no longer respects me now that I’m out of work. What can I do to improve things as I feel so impotent?
SI writes – Speaking as a hot bloodied man, I pity you Donny. Best thing? Go out down the scummiest local boozer you can find and have a fling with some skanky piece of tail. Make sure you are clearly seen or, if possible, get caught in the act by your wife.
Make her feel as small as you feel Donny. Yesssss….that’s the way.
Either that or get another job or something.
Matthew Handcream of Lower Spatch writes – Si, I hope you can help as I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m worried that my son has never had a girlfriend and doesn’t hang out with the other local lads. He doesn’t like football, rugby or beer and spends most of his time watching old videos of Strictly Come Dancing or Friends whilst sipping cocktails and wearing a purple silk gown. He’s 20 years old and I just can’t talk to him any more.
Si writes: Clearly Matthew, your son is just confused about female lady parts and just needs a good poke in the right direction. Buy him a call-girl as a fatherly gift and get him sowing his manly oats.
Failing that, it could be that he just prefers men’s bottoms to ladies.
Barty Alkaline of Steffi on the Graf writes – I really need some advice Si. I’m stuck on the last Gollum Master boss in Call of Wizards – The Meeting 2. I’ve levelled my Wizard, Xylion the Brash, up to 2000XP and have the wind waffle power-up equipped, but he keeps breaking my defence with his Mighty Spank Batton of Kaxel. Would the Cantilever Uttering of Zook be a better magic attack or do I need to tackle his minions of Flark before turning my attention to his weak-spot?
Si writes – Barty, I have no idea what you’re on about. Go and get yourself laid.
Is it over? Good! Right… off to the damage limitation meeting we go.
MonkeyBroth Classifieds
Posted: 20/09/2013 Filed under: Monkeybroth classifieds | Tags: adverts, classifieds, fawn, funny, moths Leave a commentTomahawk missile – Still boxed with instructions, enamel paints and decals. Buyer will need a trailer to take away. Unwanted present as I’m more into Claymore mines. Call Damian Frunk – Upper Clunge 020 5415
Like Moths? – OMG!!!! Me too!!!!!!!!!! I just love moths!!!!! I mean I really just adore moths! I think the way they crash repeatedly into light bulbs is soooooo cute! Give me a call if you want to talk about moths coz they rock my world!!!! CHRIST!!!!! MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fax Betty Deathshead on Coitus-twixt-the-Sea 285715
Vast Knitted Fawns – Due to an amazing coincidence involving bottle tops, I have over 200 vast knitted fawns for sale at knock-down prices. These vast knitted fawns range in vastness from a conservative 150 square feet to over 300 miles in width. Must go as I need the space for a consignment of biblically-huge crocheted Tapirs. Email Barry.Fountain@glosscoat.not
Wanted – Classified ad – I want to sell my collection of mouldy Harvey Keitel figurines but I need some advertising space. If you know of somewhere I can advertise my rotten dolls or can supply some space, I’d love to hear from you! Please call Ptolemy Drunge on P.Drunge@felch.can
One, Two, Buckle my shoe – Three, four come buy my door! £67.50 or near offer. Can you just print that? Yeah, I like it… it’s snappy. No, don’t put the bit about dry rot in. I don’t want to put people off. So that will be up for 7 days yeah? Ok, no that’s great. Thanks for the help… click….buzzzzzz…. Darcy Handcream on Swang 478 478
Poetry corner
Posted: 19/09/2013 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: amusing, birthday, funny, geese, goose, poetry, Waterfowl Leave a commentFramley wants a goose – By Hilary Insertcoin
A great companion for any young lad.
Framley such a nice young boy,
Received a multitude of toys,
Upon his birthday – why so sad?
What troubles this upstanding lad?
When asked just what the problem was,
He told them that it was because,
A waterfowl was more required,
A feathered friend was most desired
“I told you mum
And you too dad,
I just love geese,
It’s not a fad!”
“The other gifts are nice and all,
I love the prostitute and ball,
But I implore I am so fond,
The thought of geese upon our pond”
His loving parents racked with guilt,
Had also purchased him a quilt,
But what was used to stuff this gift?
Their answer back was not too swift
Disco Pig
Posted: 11/09/2013 Filed under: Disco Pig | Tags: beday, chart, development, Pig, tunz Leave a comment
Close the door eh?
Schlump, schlump, schlump, weep, weep, WEEEP! Big greetings to ya ma’ tribe of trotterlytes! It’s ‘da’ pig comin’ atcha like a tube o’ Smarties.
Last week, Disco Pig been helping out his blud, Plumbing Pig, puttin’ in some on-suites in a swanky development in da’ ‘burbs. It was haaaard work and I been sufferin’ with grout-snout ever since. Na’ cool at all.
Anyway, we got tru it listening to some choice tunz on the ghetto blaster. Check out deez beday bangers!
Norris Cheeseweight and the Horn Bags – Blue Water is a place on Earth
Wrong Direction – Wrong. Just plain wrong
The White Gloves – Cue-balls in ma pockets (chalk in my heart)
Jazz Chicken (ft. Andy Coleslaw) – Honestly Gertrude, none of us are safe
Brighton Grammar – The song what we did write
Attic Spades – What’s your shed at?
The Young and Hip-Trendy – Amazeballs! Now get out
La Rochelle – Où est la plage?
Desmond Double Decker – Eating makes my jaw sore
The Osrams – Ele-mental horses (Waaah!…Waaah!)
Sizzle Chicks – Lost shuttlecocks tell no lies
Dustin Lumberjack – International Monetary Funk
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