Once the plaything of the Victorians, the Radar Mouse – Biffordshire’s acoustically over-endowed small mammal – had one of the most obscure of all the roads towards endangerment.
Initially, they thrilled our ancestors with the discovery that, by forcing air through the mouse, a tune could be played. However, after the inventing of the mechanical mouse pipe, the fad of blowing small mammals quickly died out.
Looking like a cross between a common mouse and the ear trumpet used by Madame Fanny in the BBC comedy, Allo Allo!, the Radar Mouse had long cut a curious dash amongst the woodlands of our fair shire.
The few that remain live a life typical to a common mouse but have evolved a curious survival technique. When threatened, they can reverse their talents and emit a loud noise similar to a Chinook gaining altitude. This shocks the approaching predator into thinking that they are about to be sucked into a whirling vortex of rotor blades, giving the mouse ample time to beat a hasty retreat.
Common belief holds that the decline of the Radar Mouse was due to an epidemic of Pirate Radio stations that cropped up in Biffordshire in the early 90’s. The Mouse, with its complicated attenuation was thought to have been able to pick up these off-piste shows over 30 miles away from their source.
Driven mad by the harmonics of Drum ‘n Bass ruff cuts, over 90 per cent of this native species were lost when a stampeding pack of Radar Mice threw themselves in to Buttercludge gorge.
Frank Leyspeaking, president of the Biffordshire Association of Failed Creatures, recalls the scene…
“It were horrible I tell you. They were cuing up to jump!
“It fair makes me shiver to think of those poor little mites, falling to their demise with nothing but the soundtrack of ‘Bump up da eeezee rider caaaaammmm down!!!’ playing in their little heads.
“All those tiny bodies…… Still, I had me wife knock up this lovely set of gloves with the remains. Look! She even kept their little noses on!”
Happily, the Radar Mouse is a creature very much on the bounce. Since the culling of the Pirate DJs back in 2010, the remaining mouse population (believed to have survived by corking their ear trumpets) has been on the rise with sightings cropping up regularly across Biffordshire.
We can only hope that the happy parping of these tiny creatures continues to become more common-place.
Our resident lifestyle guru, Agony Uncle and part time Tosher, Simon Thrombosis, returns to help you with life’s little problems. Not that little rash though, that’s your fault for eating strawberries. We told you not to.
Calvin Horsewhip of Lower Grunting writes – Dear Si, I’ve recently taken up weightlifting but I’ve found that my lovely wife seems to have lost interest in me recently. I have noticed that she has been catching the eye of the lad at the fishmongers who is built like a Twiglet. Why is this happening when I’m getting increasingly buff and bulked up?
Si Writes – Oh dear Cal, I’m going to guess that your wife is massive. At the end of the day, biffers go for their weight-opposite in a futile attempt for cosmic balance. Many believe that this is due to a built-in primeval belief that, in the event of spawning offspring, the resulting child will be genetically pre-programmed as a mean average of the parent’s weight. Personally I think it just ends up with fat kids. The fat gene is clearly dominant. Either you need to skinny-up or she does – either of these will balance the seesaw.
Terry Tuppence of Hairy Mole writes – Hope you can help Si. My partner is driving me mad with his obsession for scatter cushions. Seriously, we are drowning in them and he keeps bringing more home! Our sitting room has over 2,000 of them lying around and the couch collapsed last week from the soft-furnishing onslaught. I think he has a problem. Please help – I’ve just found more in our Fiesta!!
Si Writes – Terry, sadly this type of obsessive behaviour is increasingly common. Just last week, I was called to the house of a farmer who had an almost unshakable addiction to lace doilies. When the fire-crew finally dragged him out of his cottage he was still desperately browsing the Selfridges website trying to buy more. Very sad. The best way forward is to try and displace the obsession with something less material. Some of the best recoveries have been made by transferring the victims on to another fad that has no physical presence such as imaginary friends. It’s an ideal scenario for all as they don’t take up any space and are easy to collect. Best of luck Terry.
Amanda Tubes of Weighsaton writes – Si, last week the current Mr. Tubes asked me where we are going on holiday. I’ve been hiding the fact that I spent our holiday funds on Laura Ashley print dresses and Airfix Messerschmitts (my own personal vice). I’m not sure what to tell him to be honest, as there is only £80 left in the kitty and I can’t see that going far in Cephalonia. What can I do?
SI writes – Frankly, I’d be surprised if your husband doesn’t know already as I imagine the smell of drying Humbrol paints is a giveaway. This reminds me of a startlingly similar situation with a former client of mine. He spent the electricity money on model tanks. He didn’t know what to tell his wife so he covered himself in the camouflage decals for the tanks and hid down the garden in amongst the Pyracantha. Eventually, I managed to coax the badly wounded chap out and off to hospital. In your case, I would sit down and explain to your husband that you’re going to make a den under the dinner table using an old blanket and you are both going have a holiday in your own house using your imaginations. Hey Amanda, it might actually be fun!
More of Si’s unqualified (as we’ve found out) advice soon folks…
Whoooooo…. WhoooOOOOooooo…. WhhhoooooooooOOOO! Nah, is not a ghost! Is me, Disco pig coming atcha like spooky pair a dungarees! Totally!
Disco pig, he loves Halloween coz he gets to do some of that Trick or Treatin’. Last year, some geezer on da posh estate, he bin tellin’ us that we not getting no treat, so we came back later and we treat us to his car keys! He be handin’ out da Haribo like a good boi dis year me think!
Disco pig also be playin’ up at the community centre lataz at the annual Monster Mosh, and here are some of da hauntin’ hoof hammerers me be playin!
The Decapitation Brothers – Don’t lose your head (down the back of the sofa)
Fright Train – Hell soulless sister
The Multifunctional Vampires – The JML bloodlust jamboree
The Clanking Chains – Comin’ off the sprocket
Day-Zee ft. Mad Fitt – Bryony, the Zombies are back again. I’ll tell them to try the Patterson’s next door
Schrilllllooricxxxx – Even monsters had mums once
Spectral Bookies – All bats are off
The Curse of Miss Malaprop – Prick or feet
The Jason Voorhees Ensemble – Why can’t I just meet a nice lady and settle down?
Pendulous – Calor gas night terrors
The Gangrenous Toads – Hubble double trouble
The Michael Jackson Puppetry Theatre – Thriller 2013 (strung-up mix)
The Shoddy Monster – by Chesney Flatiron
He had never seen a nose,
Look quite as strange as that,
A question to him it did pose,
A thinking under hat
Now he looked the ears were poor,
The eyes were not all there,
Feet that shouldn’t touch the floor,
And hands that were not paired
The more he looked the more he found,
The faults the fizgog featured,
The torso it was far too round,
A funny looking creature
Because the stitching was so rough,
This time he’d save the lightning,
Formaldehyde’s expensive stuff,
The next beast would be frightening
We cater to all shapes and genders regardless of nationality or pet ownership (no dogs please). We are also farm machinery-friendly and operate strict no groping zones at each end of the premises.
Cautious Goujons with a mudcat terrine
Little tiny Brian Blessed cakes
A surprised marmot with fried potato strips
A bilious of tarmac with flotsam and jetsam coulis
Hermetically sealed hermit with a shy salad
Fame! cutlet with live for ever fries
Flame grilled Saturn with onion rings
Pudding will be…
…having an epiphany
Please ensure that you are who you say you are and not an imposter pretending to be who you aren’t. Thank you for your understanding.
Oh! For the love of beards! – By Drunkle Spiderbite
Have you ever seen a man,
Look better minus beard,
A bearded man he has a plan,
A smooth-faced man be feared
Designer stubble just won’t cut,
Trimmed goatee is just fraud,
With great big beards the case is shut,
With mono-brow for awe
See that fluff upon your lip,
It could make you a martyr,
But when you shave here is a tip,
You look a deal less smarter
So leave it be whilst walking tall,
Forget about the itching,
For when the writing’s on the wall
A beard won’t stand for bitching
Simon Thrombosis, MonkeyBroth’s guru of both ‘life’ and ‘style’ and part-time chiropodist, is back to solve those daily lifestyle concerns. You know the style of them – the life ones? Yes those.
Donny Callforward of Spongy Marsh writes – Dear Si, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom recently. I don’t think my wife is attracted to me since I lost my job at the fishmongers. I’m worried that she no longer respects me now that I’m out of work. What can I do to improve things as I feel so impotent?
SI writes – Speaking as a hot bloodied man, I pity you Donny. Best thing? Go out down the scummiest local boozer you can find and have a fling with some skanky piece of tail. Make sure you are clearly seen or, if possible, get caught in the act by your wife.
Make her feel as small as you feel Donny. Yesssss….that’s the way.
Either that or get another job or something.
Matthew Handcream of Lower Spatch writes – Si, I hope you can help as I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m worried that my son has never had a girlfriend and doesn’t hang out with the other local lads. He doesn’t like football, rugby or beer and spends most of his time watching old videos of Strictly Come Dancing or Friends whilst sipping cocktails and wearing a purple silk gown. He’s 20 years old and I just can’t talk to him any more.
Si writes: Clearly Matthew, your son is just confused about female lady parts and just needs a good poke in the right direction. Buy him a call-girl as a fatherly gift and get him sowing his manly oats.
Failing that, it could be that he just prefers men’s bottoms to ladies.
Barty Alkaline of Steffi on the Graf writes – I really need some advice Si. I’m stuck on the last Gollum Master boss in Call of Wizards – The Meeting 2. I’ve levelled my Wizard, Xylion the Brash, up to 2000XP and have the wind waffle power-up equipped, but he keeps breaking my defence with his Mighty Spank Batton of Kaxel. Would the Cantilever Uttering of Zook be a better magic attack or do I need to tackle his minions of Flark before turning my attention to his weak-spot?
Si writes – Barty, I have no idea what you’re on about. Go and get yourself laid.
Is it over? Good! Right… off to the damage limitation meeting we go.
Tomahawk missile – Still boxed with instructions, enamel paints and decals. Buyer will need a trailer to take away. Unwanted present as I’m more into Claymore mines. Call Damian Frunk – Upper Clunge 020 5415
Like Moths? – OMG!!!! Me too!!!!!!!!!! I just love moths!!!!! I mean I really just adore moths! I think the way they crash repeatedly into light bulbs is soooooo cute! Give me a call if you want to talk about moths coz they rock my world!!!! CHRIST!!!!! MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fax Betty Deathshead on Coitus-twixt-the-Sea 285715
Vast Knitted Fawns – Due to an amazing coincidence involving bottle tops, I have over 200 vast knitted fawns for sale at knock-down prices. These vast knitted fawns range in vastness from a conservative 150 square feet to over 300 miles in width. Must go as I need the space for a consignment of biblically-huge crocheted Tapirs. Email Barry.Fountain@glosscoat.not
Wanted – Classified ad – I want to sell my collection of mouldy Harvey Keitel figurines but I need some advertising space. If you know of somewhere I can advertise my rotten dolls or can supply some space, I’d love to hear from you! Please call Ptolemy Drunge on P.Drunge@felch.can
One, Two, Buckle my shoe – Three, four come buy my door! £67.50 or near offer. Can you just print that? Yeah, I like it… it’s snappy. No, don’t put the bit about dry rot in. I don’t want to put people off. So that will be up for 7 days yeah? Ok, no that’s great. Thanks for the help… click….buzzzzzz…. Darcy Handcream on Swang 478 478
Framley wants a goose – By Hilary Insertcoin
Framley such a nice young boy,
Received a multitude of toys,
Upon his birthday – why so sad?
What troubles this upstanding lad?
When asked just what the problem was,
He told them that it was because,
A waterfowl was more required,
A feathered friend was most desired
“I told you mum
And you too dad,
I just love geese,
It’s not a fad!”
“The other gifts are nice and all,
I love the prostitute and ball,
But I implore I am so fond,
The thought of geese upon our pond”
His loving parents racked with guilt,
Had also purchased him a quilt,
But what was used to stuff this gift?
Their answer back was not too swift