MonkeyBroth’s male lifestyle guru and part time midwife, Simon Thrombosis, helps you achieve….uh….stuff with your life. Probably the impossible.
Martin Xylophone from Lower Stain writes – “Dear Si, I feel inadequate when mixing with my peers. How can I feel more Alpha-male in their company?”
Si – Martin my little friend, it is very simple. Make sure you have the biggest income, the fastest car and the shiniest wife. A huge schlong can certainly help, but unless you are going to invest in a pair of glass-fronted slacks or Lycra shorts, the money, car and a brassy wife are certainly easier ways to win bragging rights to the title of group silverback.
Other factors to help you mug off your mates;
- Being hirsute
- Being well dressed
- The maximum diving depth of your watch
- Having an unusual way of opening beer bottles
- Being a braying idiot
These are my tips Martin. Use them well.
Shamus Hotpocket from Dampcrotch writes – “Hi Si, I’m tired of helping to build up the business for my employers. They are mean and sometimes laugh at me in the canteen. What advice can you give me to move on in life?”
Si – I’ll tell you what Shamus, first you need to exercise some serious pay-back to the ones laughing at you.
Set fire to them Shamus. Make sure they know it was you. Tell them to suck it up and that if you hear any more, their family and friends will be next. Your following move is not to build up your own business. Take theirs by extreme force if necessary. TAKE IT! Suckers will wish they hadn’t set eyes on you.
They’ll never laugh at you again Shamus. Never.
Frank Hexagons from Girth writes – ‘”Si, please help. Just recently, I’ve been thinking about returning to education but I find learning terrifying. I dropped out of school quite young but since the birth of my first son, I feel he’s owed a dad who he can be proud of. How can I get over my fear of learning?”
Si – I’ll be Frank with you Frank. You owe your Son nothing.
What right has he got coming into this world unexpectedly and demanding things of you eh Frank? Teach the snivelling little tyke that he’ll get what he’s given in life. Teach him that he’ll have his thicko dad and like it!
Nowadays, kids think they are all entitled to a new-age caring, sharing earth-father that will do their flipping homework for them, pay for their endless requirement for new shoes and provide them with life lessons.
One life lesson you need to give him Frank, GROW UP!
Is this stuff even legal? …well…. more life-changing advice from Simon soon chaps, unless he takes over the office by force.
The Lonely Cardigan – by Joanna Diskettes
As I cling to this cold stair rail,
Alone but never mardy,
I contemplate my lifetime,
As your favourite Cardie
Was it that I didn’t fit right?
Not protect you from the chill?
Do I now offend your sight?
That was not my woolly will
A happier time from this – my worst,
From charity shop you bought me,
And though you weren’t by far my first,
You’re now my one and only
My fate it now seems signed and sealed,
A lifetime lost in limbo,
Come back my saviour I will plead,
All sweaters are just bimbos
Trolley Folly – by Humphrey Grottle
Seconded by unanimous motion,
The trolley caused a depth of emotion,
Remembering’s of campsites, Valium and toast,
That teddy that Julie had liked the most.
Grabbing the carton,
Feel like a Spartan!
Twixt the fingers,
Find the beast
Trolleys shouldn’t cause these thoughts,
Like shoes on impulse hastily bought,
Dumplings cook gently while the dog looks on,
But in her mind the trolley still shone.
Grasping the Inuit,
Feel like a bis-cu-it!
Minus the soft bit,
Flush out the brush.
‘Get out!’ cried Julie ‘I’ve had my fill!’
The trolley trundled towards the ghostly till,
Imagine a Kit-Kat coming for dinner,
The trolley still going and clearly the winner
Holding the wash-mitt,
Feeling like a twit,
She doesn’t give a monkeys,
Julie jogs on…
Bis-cu-it? Really? Well, more poetry again soon dear reader!
Many of you will remember Keith from such genre-leading TV shows as ‘How long is your guttering?’ and ‘Changing rooms changed’. A pioneer in the development of the self-leveling-level and the automatic gate mangle, Keith has been at the sharp end of home DIY for at least 6 months. An enviable CV indeed! Here, Keith takes you through some seasonal ‘must dos’ for every home tinkerer.
Hello everyone! Keith Dynosheet here with some top tips to keep you busy on those long and sultry summer days.
When the sun is shining bright, the living’s good and the temperature is nudging the high 80’s, there’s nothing I like more than insulating the loft. Many consider this task to be madness at this time of year but ask yourself this – where would you rather be? Having a cold cider in a beautiful country pub garden or up in the loft wearing protective clothing and laying thick glass-fibre between your joists? Quite! Get up that loft ladder! It is important to utilise your full face mask to protect your eyes and your lungs from the hazardous material. It also helps to have a nice thick pair of trousers (a sturdy cavalry twill or jumbo cord for preference), a long-sleeved fleece to protect the forearms and a thick pair of gloves. I find that it’s best to lay your insulation at around midday although I don’t know why.
Another fantastic job during this fair season is cleaning the inside of the greenhouse windows. Remember that, because of the extreme temperatures, the glass will streak very badly meaning you need to take your time to achieve that sparkling finish. Set aside a minimum 3 hours without breaks to truly do this job justice and remember the full complement of thick, heavy protective clothing when working with glass.
My final top DIY job for a balmy July day is putting down Lino in the cellar. ‘But it’s cold down there Keith!’ I hear you cry! But worry not as you’ll be wearing the full complement of heavy, think and stiff protective clothing including the most important garments – the safety scarf and luminous mittens. Also, your Lino will need to be kept warm to make it lay properly, so a large space-heater set on full power will be a necessity. A hairdryer on the hottest possible setting is also recommended for precision laying. Remember not to bring any cold drinks or refreshments into the cellar with you during this task as you may spill some on your lovely brand-new floor. Allow between 4-6 hours to complete this depending on the area you’re covering. A great time-saving tip for this is to not have any fluids for 24 hours beforehand thus saving trips to the toilet.
Until next time everyone, stay safe and most of all, stay safe!
Wonderful advice there to avoid wasting those precious summer days! Keith will be back in the future to explain why roofing is best done during lightning storms. You can also purchase Keith’s new book -‘Building a swimming pool during a drought’ at all good booksellers.
MonkeyBroth is almost hyperactively committed to keeping its readers (that’s you there sweet-cheeks) bang up-to-date with all the very most exciting developments created by human kind.
So much so, that we hired a platoon of attractive ladies who were sent out to seduce scientists and product designers all over the globe. Sadly our geek-centric honey trap failed after it turned out that both the scientists and the product designers were, in fact, a platoon of chiselled hunks sent out by a rival blog to seduce attractive agency girls. Which just goes to show something – possibly the sexist belief that women can’t be scientists and product designers for one.
We all love to say that we had a great time at festivals, but there’s no denying that, by day two, you struggle to hold a smile due to trench-foot, gastric poisoning and close proximity to aspiring middle-class music lovers. Well you too can now post that tricky ‘having a great time’ photo on Facebook with ‘Festival Face’. Just slip on your Festival Face mask and hide your sleep deprived look of desperation behind a perfect happy-faced fizzog and get snapping! Festival Face masks are 100 per cent guaranteed free of pained facial features, so you can buy in confidence.
See our stand at the Biffordshire Shopping Trolley Expo, Flipflopton village hall.
Persian Cat-extric – New from MonkeyBroth games!
Be the race! Be speed! Be endurance! Be a Peke Faced Persian! That’s right, now you can recreate the famous Persian racing series from the 70’s in purrrfect 1:16 scale. These beautifully detailed model Persians can reach scale-speeds of over 250mph around the realistic recreation of the famous Sil-fur-stone track. Set contains one Peke-faced and one Smoke Persian complete with drivers, pit-crew, track and controllers. Batteries not included.
Warning – Persians will require regular grooming and greasing for best performance.
Tired of charging your mobile phone?
Then read the newest inspirational book from Jarred Smitherquake. Put it Away is a revolutionary lifestyle book that encourages people to actually put down their mobile phones and concentrate on what they are doing rather than finding out what everyone else is doing whilst they are not doing what they are trying to do. Or something. The theory is that by ‘putting it away’ you’ll not run down the battery, thus saving valuable time spent hooking your phone up to a charger and giving you back up to 14 minutes a year of your life to spend doing what you like best (possibly going to the toilet or talking to pigeons).
Please note – Side effects of not staring constantly at your phone includes not stepping blindly out in front of traffic, being aware that your children are causing mayhem in Budgens and not seeing a picture of what your best friend had for lunch.
Mobile version available from all good eBook retailers.
Some goats are just a bit like that – by Hoff Bettersmudge
It’s funny to think that long ago,
Goats were oft’ in Broadway shows,
It didn’t matter that far back,
Some goats are just a bit like that
They often hung around backstage,
After their latest sell-out play,
For drinks and nibbles and having the craic,
Some goats are just a bit like that
Often they would tread the boards,
To delight their most admiring hoards,
Until the stage lights fade to black,
Some goats are just a bit like that
Critics said debauched behaviour,
Was not something for one to savour,
Their fans stood up and answered back,
Some goats just aren’t a bit like that
Well, another post involving goats – how original. Next we’ll be mentioning a particular supermarket far too often or something… More poetry soon, no doubt.
Come and eat at Biffordshire’s most popular Spanish / Venezuelan fusion restaurant!
We cater for anyone from an angry distant aunt to your brother’s mate Tarquinii. Special rates for Monarchs and third division footballers. In house entertainment includes our very own Gastric Band who will serenade you with Yazoo’s greatest hits.
Deep fried frog on a log with a scraping of turnip shoe
Prawn surprise – not suitable for those with heart conditions as the prawns are very keen
Bloated Plutocrat on a deep-stuffed mattress
Baby mushrooms in a white trouser sauce with a flimsy of Smash™
Steak of Peter Frampton lightly gnashed with boiled ear oil (a real colon pleaser!)
Mmmmmmmm of Salmon served with a reconstructed turkey drummer and blast-radius salad
‘Oh come ON!’ toast with a thermal caribou pâté
Postre will be…
…making snarky comments from the corner of the room.
Please book early to avoid booking late. Or alternatively, book late to avoid booking early – whichever suits.
Hoopla hoopla hoooooopla! Snout! Snout! Wiiiiiggieeeeeee!
Nice, intro there I reckon! How’s it goin’ ‘me trotter tribe? Disco pig be here spinning ‘d platterz what matterz! Well I have been spinning platterz coz Disco Pig get himself a cushy job down at Nando’s. Peri peri nice! I been workin’ and savin’ up for a sweet lookin’ scootae to impress ma sly sty friends. Dat’s ‘d ladies init! Dey be lovin’ a pig wiv wheels.
Anywayz, I been sniffin’ out some musical truffles for yoos. Bang ‘em on ya sound system…
Kevin Crackers and The Spreads – Both ways lead to Evesham
Shania Twine – Man! I feel like a cheese string
Rash Judges – Gavel burns
Tiny Fix – Leaky tap doing my nut in
They Could Be Midgets – Richard Roundtree stole my face but bought me flowers to make amends
Bad Trip – Sesame Street pinball shuffle(Ft. The number 7)
Spooky Fruit – OooooooooOOOoooooooooOOOoooooranges…
The Stoned Moses – G.E.A.R
Jif Marathon – Stupid global brand alignment
Jonny Trialer – Pop goes the Euro (vision)
Lexus Teaspoon Massacre – Got any two-stroke mister?
Bruno Saturn – When I was your Planet
The Barely Bare Bears – Quick Louise! The microwave’s on fire!
Thinking Lizards – Has Brenda found that pair of ornamental bees yet?
Backed a Wrong ‘un – Yes! Yes! Yes! Aw come ON!
No. 3: Axl Rose
Rock Star Axl Rose’s mom: Axl honey? Axl? Time for school honey!
Rock star Axl Rose: Awww mom….I’m trying real hard to comb my hair….
Rock Star Axl Rose’s mom: Come on honey, or you’ll miss your lift! Do you want me to do your hair sweetums?
Rock star Axl Rose: Yes please mom… Shucks! It sure is hard to comb.
Rock Star Axl Rose’s mom: And red honey…. You’ve always had such lovely, soft red hair…..
Such a nice polite young man wasn’t he? More entirely made-up flashbacks into rock stars’ childhood mornings soon folks!
Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
Phew what a scorcher! We hear on the jungle drums that Abele ‘The Face’ Otter has been on holiday showing off the assets that made her a star! She was captured flouting her fish-tinged whiskers at a $2000-a-night exclusive golf resort for the stars in Malta. Her agent told us – ‘She’s just enjoying life since the marriage break-up that cost her so much emotionally. Abele has always been keen on golf and has built up quite the handicap on the greens!’ We say – Fwourrrrrrr!
Meanwhile, Stickleback front man Chas Beaver has been in trouble with the law again after crashing his one million dollar Italian sports car into a roadside Fondue stand on the Las Vegas strip. Dam! Sources tell us that he spent the night in the cells. A Deputy of the Las Vegas Law Enforcement Department told us – ‘He was clearly not in his right mind, but once he’d come down from whatever he was on, he was sure sorry! He signed some photos and left the next morning. He’s basically a good guy.’ We still say that he’s a gnaw-ty boy!
Oscar winner Oscar ‘The Oscar’ Slow-Worm has revealed that he has a secret passion for collecting old mobile phones. On the set of his latest film, he explained – ‘It started off with a few old Motorolas but sort of snow-balled from there really. I have over 700 classic Nokias alone. They really do worm their way into your affections!’ His words, not ours! Dear God… – Ed.
Finally, New York socialite Gnatty Biteitch has been seen stepping out with yet another one of her personal trainers. This week’s hunky-monkey has been named as Barry Gibbon who had a time in the spotlight as the singer from obscure 80’s New Romantic band – The Swing of Things. His appearance alongside Gnatty has certainly caused quite a buzz!
That’s quite enough of that. Can’t believe we’re paying for this tripe… Tabloid Squirrel will be back for more animal-related shoddiness. Unless we can find a loop-hole in his contract that is.