Life of Si
Posted: 20/12/2013 Filed under: Other stuff | Tags: advice, booze, christmas, Fig roles, lifestyle, SAAB, tramp Leave a commentLifesyle guru, agony uncle and part time Maritime histologist, Simon Thrombosis helps you through the stress and anguish of the proper British Christmas.*
Christmas
Nathen Cookworks from Scunge writes – Dear Si, Every year I dread Christmas. My partner tends to get drunk in the kitchen where she claims to be cooking the Christmas Feast, but she is in fact draining the festive stock of alcohol. She doesn’t drink at all for the rest of the year but is uncontrollable on the 25th. Last year it was so bad, she got totally confused, serving us dinner consisting of a packet of fig roles stuffed in a tramp’s vest. Just what can I do?
Si writes – I think you’re being a little unreasonable Nathen. Christmas day is all about guilt-free morning alcohol consumption, peaking at around 11.30am and quaffing just enough booze to keep you in a slightly fuzzy festive fug until you fall asleep in front of an animated children’s film at 3pm. Your partner is simply not used to acknowledging the peak and is instead, tipping ‘over the abyss’.
Maybe you can try keeping her off of the bucks-fizz for the morning, thus allowing her to complete the Turkey before she goes ‘past the post’.
Either that or you could stop being critical and cook it yourself.
Inappropriate
Mavis Loaf from Buttercludge Ho writes – Maybe you can advise Si? My sister has a habit of buying inappropriate gifts for people. For example, our cousin, Bertie, has a terrible swede allergy, but last year, my sister bought him an elderly second hand SAAB. Another year, she bought a subscription to the Daily Mail for her friend who suffers from hypertension. I won’t go into her gift for the local Vicar, but I will say he’ll never look at a pair of mittens in the same way ever again. My sister seems entirely unaware of the Christmas carnage that she unleashes and she is a sensitive soul. How can I broach the subject to her?
Si writes – Mavis, I have seen this behaviour before. One client I counselled had paid to have an air rifle adapted to fire peanuts for his best friend who suffered an extreme allergy to them. Another had commissioned a local sculptor to create a nine foot statue of the devil for his staunchly God-fearing Aunt.
Indeed, I believe it to be a form of consumerist Tourette’s where the present buyer compulsively purchases the most offensive item regardless of the price. Sadly, I have yet to encounter an effective cure.
Warn everyone beforehand and expect the worse.
Jacqui Holepunch from Clevis-on-the-Pin writes – Festive greetings to you Si! I am a naturally happy go lucky gal who loves a good old laugh and is rarely even slightly vexed. But my problem is that I get cheeky little mood-swings whenever I encounter someone who is negative towards my positivity. Indeed, I put a man in hospital when he asked why I was so cheerful. He never came out again. So my teeny weeny problem could probably do with some of your lovely advice if you’d be a fine fellow? No pressure, but I do know where you live (love what you’ve done with the place)!
Si writes – Hey Jacqui!!!! Gosh, I can’t believe that people could be down on you for being cheerful!!!! LOL!!! Don’t change a thing eh? It’s all them and not you at all. Goodness no!
Hope everything’s well and goodwill to all men I say!!
Si will be back after the Holidays and when he’s had all of his locks replaced.
*Disclaimer – advice may not be either accurate or in any way useful. MonkeyBroth accepts no responsibility with the use or misuse of Simon’s comments.
Disco Pig
Posted: 18/12/2013 Filed under: Disco Pig | Tags: charts, christmas, disco, Disco Pig, Geordie, music, Pig Leave a comment
- Jungle bellz…
Jingle da bells, jungle bellz, jingle da bellz. Stop. Swine-rewind!!!! Ya know it! It’s da pig coming at ya like a Lidl Stollen!
I bin getting the monies in ready fo Christmas coz I want to treat ma nan to a fierce foot spa dey got on special down at Boots. She totally worth it bruv!
Disco pig been working in one of those Christmas seasonal shops init. And man he be getting bored of Christmas songs on da shop stereo! Serious, if I hear Mariah Carey singin’ about what she want fo Christmas one more time, dere’ll be a crime. Nah, but serious, dere will…
Anyz, ‘ere’s da latest festive stampin’ tunez all wrapped up just fo youz.
Biff Clitchard – Time to buy a new calendar
Bradford Moped Group – Stop! Carry on.
Ashes Misery – I put five on it
Neonicotinoid Pesticides – Brian’s off to Lowestoft again
Megaquake – The thrill of cheese
Barry Goblin (ft. Frankie Ankles) – Shambolic log flume
Hemplegrunt Mupderspinch – Tra-la-la-la-la-faraldo-gadzooks-euro
Mincing Pies – Fabulously stuffed
Grumpy Dad – You can open them after dinner
High street Robbery – Seasonal price rise (saw ya comin’ reprise mix)
The Geordie Sores – Herod as a toad
Spatch! – No honestly Claire, I’ve always wanted a slanket. Lovely.
Unauthorised Entry – Stuck up your chimney
Mungo Frimpley’s Amazing Circus
Posted: 12/12/2013 Filed under: Monkeybroth announcements | Tags: budgens, circus, clown, entertainment, midgets, Pigs Leave a commentComing to Spatchcock 20 December
Roll up! Roll up! (or walk) to what has been called the 3,568,543rd wonder of Biffordshire!
Back by occasional demand, Mungo Frimpley’s fantastical circus returns to Spatchcock! Laugh at a creepy clown on a trampoline, Marvel at the lax health and safety! Gasp at the price of candy floss!
Massive pigs
Attractions
- Mavis Bramley’s dancing girls! – Est. 1937 and still dancing!
- The deaf-defying mumbling man!
- The stripy horses with feathers on their heads!
- Bruce Force – The only strong man/midget combo in England!
- The Damian unt Frott show – Taming lions in white leatherette!
- Nevill Freeply and the world’s strongest grape!
- Bernadette and Bernard – The amputee trapeze artists!
- Nigel Curry and his ring of fire!
- Disco Monkeys – Yes they are actual monkeys! They dance!!!
- Bendy Brenda – The human contortionist!
- Things like pigs but massive and grey with really long noses!
- Bump & Grind – Mungo’s house clowns ft. Gary the exploding horse!
- Frank Hollers – He’s louder than Brian Blessed in a lift!
- Waffle shoving on ice and laser show!
.…and little more!
Venue: Behind the recreational ground in Grattles field. Follow the smell of faded grandeur.
Tickets available from Budgens in the High Street. Curtain opens at 11pm. No flash photography, normal everyday photography only. Show may contain disappointment, feelings of mild discomfort and peanuts.
Restaurant où les porcs ne voulait pas manger
Posted: 29/11/2013 Filed under: Other stuff | Tags: piggy wiggy, places to eat Leave a commentRestaurant où les porcs ne voulait pas manger
Ah bienvenue a la Restaurant où les porcs ne voulait pas manger. Nous sommes delighte to bienvenue de le restaurant, quand le residents d’Biffordshire aime tout suite. Notre menu est superb et il est tout de bon things to mange. Ouevre pour le petit-dejeuner and le grand dejeuner et les repas in between de la Huit heures Am until la evening time. Plus Tard by arrangements. Voici la menu en Anglais pour vous, vous anglais idiots et bastads. Tres bon!
Les entrees
- Pig insecurities pan fried in a special Jonathan Ross sauce. Served with oak smoked bat chips and a sympathy of garden vegetables
- Grandad’s war medals crushed in front of him, drizzled with Maroon 5 jus and spun around the block in Gustav’s Citroen 2CV. Served with a shouting of dead wildebeest horn, shaved and erected to your liking
- Chicken chop sticks straightened with an aubergine ruler and splashed with nocturnal liquids. Hand badgered until medium rare and presented on an anxious nine year-old’s duvet cover.
Les main
- HAND reared Les Dennis, matured over balsa wood for extra tenderness. Served with a medley of David Hockney examined vegetables and a view of the Norfolk Broads, binoculars optional
- MUSICAL Youth style jerk off beef. Pan fried until screaming in a David Blunkett flavoured butter sauce. Served with a blanket and a three day old bus ticket stopping at Whump, Feeble and Cock-on-the-Mold
- LAMB shanks, startled to your taste and infused with a suppository puree. Choose from baked potatoes or a three year call of duty service in Northern Belize
- MONKEY Lungs – forced up against a wall against their will. Strenuously denied in front of a live TV audience and drizzled in a Blankety Blank sauce. Served with un peu de stink of creamed back hair and a month long XBOX live pass.
Et pour les desserts
- WRANGLED cream, shot at close range with the chief’s butter gun. Ransomed gently over a low flame and beaten to make it look like an accident. Dripped with fresh fruit puree instilled with disappointment
- PAPAL turnover – traditional Vatican dessert, stripped and oiled to your liking. Cooked aggressively over a high heat before being gently neutered in the larger of our two fridges. Served with a panacotta of goat complaints and a David Dimbelby jus
- LES Chats est non importante – enjoy a taste of Spain with our speciality. Cats are not important pudding is secreted from live ginger toms before being worked into a light and frothy muffin. Delicious served with broken toast and a bag of forgotten aspirations
- ARTHUR C CLARKE – exhumed lovingly by our resident chef de partie and served with warm custard and flavoured oxygen
Rockstars in the morning
Posted: 29/11/2013 Filed under: Rockstars in the morning... | Tags: bob geldof Leave a commentRock stars in the morning
Number 78: Bob Geldof
Bob Geldof’s mum: “Come on Robert, get up now, it’s time for school’’
Bob Geldof: “Aww bleedin hell ma, it’s too early.”
Bob Geldof’s mum: “Come on – the Curiously Cinnamon is already in the bowl going soggy”
Bob Geldof: “Aw Jaysus ma. Ma?”
Bob Geldof’s mum: “Yes Robert?”
Bob Geldof: “What day is it today?”
Bob Geldof’s mum: “Oh, well it’s erm… Tuesday Robert, it’s Tuesday.”
Bob Geldof: “It had better not be Monday ma…”
Bob Geldof’s mum: “Of course it’s not, it’s erm definitely Tuesday, yes Tuesday. Now hurry up.”
Bob Geldof: “Okay ma, I’m coming, as it’s Tuesday….”
More rock icon early morning slash breakfast time fun next time folks!
Poetry corner
Posted: 28/11/2013 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: flan, jam, more flan, odd, poetry, Stan Leave a commentFlan was bought – by Wendy Bendy
Stan’s flan. No Jam.
I haven’t seen him,
Said the man,
The man,
That bought flan,
Not for weeks,
Said he who speaks,
For weeks,
He repeats
Tried the gym?
Said him,
Keeping trim?
Not like him
Flan was bought,
Without thought,
Special flan,
Bought by man
Flan with jam,
Made by Stan,
How convenient
That rhymes
I don’t like the man-bought flan,
I will not eat it Stan flan man
Public service announcements cum Classifieds
Posted: 27/11/2013 Filed under: Monkeybroth announcements, Monkeybroth classifieds | Tags: Give us a playful squeeze, oh go on 4 CommentsHere, nestled in the sweet bosom of Monkeybroth Towers we like to look after you dear readers. We’d towel you down after a wet walk in the countryside if we could. Caress your forehead to soothe away the aches and stresses that your job as Budgens Regional Manager entails. We’d plump your cushions if only we were able, make you a hot chocolate with squirty cream, give you a rough and tumble style Chinese burn. Watch you while you sleep. Unfortunately, we can’t do any of those things, but consider the following public service announcements cum classifieds as our playful slap on your bottom…. you complete us and we heart you. Both of you.
CELEBRITY FANS! If you are a fan of celebrities, then you’ll love celebrity fans! We are Biffordshire’s foremost celebrity fan stockist, well; we will be after Star Fans burns to the ground in a mysterious blaze next week. Anyway, you need look no further than the end of your nose for all your celebrity fan needs and requirements – birthdays, weddings, unexpected and sudden deaths, we can cater for any joyous occasion. Call Barbara Hugedong on Wibble 456546 or tweet your enquiry to #smellofpetrolonmyhands
STAR BRAS! If you are fan of the stars then show your enjoyment of all things celestial by donning a bra shaped into your favourite constellation. We’ve got every bra shaped in a constellation under the moon – special offer this week on balconette Orions in 34DD only or, due to flood damage, why not take advantage of the amazing discounts in our lace, whale-bone, Cassiopeia range – complete with AAA battery compartment and working mineshaft. Call Fiona Grimtinkle on Slapp 67676767 for more information today!
ANT AND DECKING – Does your garden need a makeover? Why not have a think about a North-Eastern England themed design? Graham’s Gardens, Biffordshire’s foremost landscape gardeners will happily come around to your house and turn your lawn and flower beds into a Tynetastic homage to the North East. You can be Geordie Shore of it! Don’t take our word for it? Read some of our fantastic reviews from our happy customers
“I wasn’t sure what to do with the garden and I still don’t” – Fred Thatchstiff, Glump
“I’m thrilled with the service – I now have empty Newcastle Brown Ale bottles all over my decking and Cheryl Cole themed plant pots. The highlight though has to be my new Jimmy Nail lawnmower. It’s greeet man! Thanks Graham’s Gardens!” Marge On-Abigpole, Stump
“Who? No I haven’t had any gardening work done. Sorry, think you have the wrong number.” ANON, Whump
COCKTAIL SIR? HOW ABOUT YOU MADAM? Due to a YTS apprentice falling asleep on the computer and pressing the wrong button, we’ve got far too much stock than we could ever possibly sell. That won’t stop us from trying though! We wanted to order some cool cocktail glasses to sell, but due to the slumbering student and his idiotic elbows this was entered as mole. Yes, we have 7,898 mole shaped cocktail glasses for sale. Why not have an underground mammal party with your friends and relatives? They’ll be wowed by that and will not stop going on about it. Please give us a ring. Please. Call Owen Foxtrench on Glitter 7777686866
VW FOR SALE – Got my nice VW POLIO for sale. 1.2 litre only 36k on the clock, FSH, VGC and a good sense of humour. Both passenger side tyres are smaller than the driver’s side and won’t inflate for some reason. Anyway VW POLIOs are good little runners. Well, not that good. Call me Amy – Thingulike for a test drive.
CLOWN CLONE – Want a clown cloned? Call Clown Clone today. Don’t be satisfied with owning one clown, own more. Fully secure 24 hour service. Clown Clone won’t appear on your bill, instead it will say ‘Big Jubbers Inc’. Unfortunately due to their genetic make-up clown car horns cannot be cloned, however contact us to discuss your water-squirting flower or door-falling-of- car requirements. Clown Clone – we are not joking around alright? Call Stanislav O’Grundy on Fecklip-on-Flange 45343444
THAT’S SHOE BUSINESS! – Predict the future with a pair of Nostradamus Desert Boots. Fully lace upable and with a sole. To predict the future slip them on in the morning and think about your favourite pony until you are called down for your breakfast. Please be aware the value of your dreams can go up as well as down. Your hopes are at risk if you do not keep up repayments. Call Future Shoes and ask for Derek Smallpipe.
Poetry in the corner. Poetry corner then really….
Posted: 26/11/2013 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: buffet ideas this christmas, limericks Leave a commentBengal
By Whiskas McGhee
There was a young man from Bengal
Who didn’t really get Limericks at all
Buffet belly
By Sainsburys O’Keefe
Oh my goodness I don’t half love a buffet
I could stay for hours and just scoff all day
From pickley pork pies to cheese and onion rings
A buffet must be one of my favourite things
I drool as I stare out over the table
Everything’s lovely and very digestible
Cheese and pineapple on sticks are so tasty
But they can be sharp so not good for health and safety
I once consumed a whole red onion
My tummy afterwards was a bit of a funny’un
That’s the only real downside I can make out
It turns my insides over of that there’s no doubt
They are great at Christmas perhaps after tobogganing
But too much of the good stuff and I’m back in the bog-again
Scotch eggs are the worst they go straight through me
Once I ate 47 in under an hour, and wolfed a load of Caerphilly
I swigged down the lager and ate a whole gammon
I downed 18 pies my bot was like a horrid brown cannon
My head was spinning and it was all a bit surreal
But blimey it wasn’t half a cracking funeral
Life of Si
Posted: 15/11/2013 Filed under: Other stuff | Tags: advice, cushions, funny, help, lifestyle, paint, Pyracantha Leave a commentOur resident lifestyle guru, Agony Uncle and part time Tosher, Simon Thrombosis, returns to help you with life’s little problems. Not that little rash though, that’s your fault for eating strawberries. We told you not to.
Attractive
Calvin Horsewhip of Lower Grunting writes – Dear Si, I’ve recently taken up weightlifting but I’ve found that my lovely wife seems to have lost interest in me recently. I have noticed that she has been catching the eye of the lad at the fishmongers who is built like a Twiglet. Why is this happening when I’m getting increasingly buff and bulked up?
Si Writes – Oh dear Cal, I’m going to guess that your wife is massive. At the end of the day, biffers go for their weight-opposite in a futile attempt for cosmic balance. Many believe that this is due to a built-in primeval belief that, in the event of spawning offspring, the resulting child will be genetically pre-programmed as a mean average of the parent’s weight. Personally I think it just ends up with fat kids. The fat gene is clearly dominant. Either you need to skinny-up or she does – either of these will balance the seesaw.
Addictive
Terry Tuppence of Hairy Mole writes – Hope you can help Si. My partner is driving me mad with his obsession for scatter cushions. Seriously, we are drowning in them and he keeps bringing more home! Our sitting room has over 2,000 of them lying around and the couch collapsed last week from the soft-furnishing onslaught. I think he has a problem. Please help – I’ve just found more in our Fiesta!!
Si Writes – Terry, sadly this type of obsessive behaviour is increasingly common. Just last week, I was called to the house of a farmer who had an almost unshakable addiction to lace doilies. When the fire-crew finally dragged him out of his cottage he was still desperately browsing the Selfridges website trying to buy more. Very sad. The best way forward is to try and displace the obsession with something less material. Some of the best recoveries have been made by transferring the victims on to another fad that has no physical presence such as imaginary friends. It’s an ideal scenario for all as they don’t take up any space and are easy to collect. Best of luck Terry.
Giveaway.
Amanda Tubes of Weighsaton writes – Si, last week the current Mr. Tubes asked me where we are going on holiday. I’ve been hiding the fact that I spent our holiday funds on Laura Ashley print dresses and Airfix Messerschmitts (my own personal vice). I’m not sure what to tell him to be honest, as there is only £80 left in the kitty and I can’t see that going far in Cephalonia. What can I do?
SI writes – Frankly, I’d be surprised if your husband doesn’t know already as I imagine the smell of drying Humbrol paints is a giveaway. This reminds me of a startlingly similar situation with a former client of mine. He spent the electricity money on model tanks. He didn’t know what to tell his wife so he covered himself in the camouflage decals for the tanks and hid down the garden in amongst the Pyracantha. Eventually, I managed to coax the badly wounded chap out and off to hospital. In your case, I would sit down and explain to your husband that you’re going to make a den under the dinner table using an old blanket and you are both going have a holiday in your own house using your imaginations. Hey Amanda, it might actually be fun!
More of Si’s unqualified (as we’ve found out) advice soon folks…
Disco pig – Halloween special
Posted: 31/10/2013 Filed under: Disco Pig | Tags: chart, Disco Pig, funny, halloween, music, spooky Leave a comment
Can’t breathe in dis thing!
Whoooooo…. WhoooOOOOooooo…. WhhhoooooooooOOOO! Nah, is not a ghost! Is me, Disco pig coming atcha like spooky pair a dungarees! Totally!
Disco pig, he loves Halloween coz he gets to do some of that Trick or Treatin’. Last year, some geezer on da posh estate, he bin tellin’ us that we not getting no treat, so we came back later and we treat us to his car keys! He be handin’ out da Haribo like a good boi dis year me think!
Disco pig also be playin’ up at the community centre lataz at the annual Monster Mosh, and here are some of da hauntin’ hoof hammerers me be playin!
The Decapitation Brothers – Don’t lose your head (down the back of the sofa)
Fright Train – Hell soulless sister
The Multifunctional Vampires – The JML bloodlust jamboree
The Clanking Chains – Comin’ off the sprocket
Day-Zee ft. Mad Fitt – Bryony, the Zombies are back again. I’ll tell them to try the Patterson’s next door
Schrilllllooricxxxx – Even monsters had mums once
Spectral Bookies – All bats are off
The Curse of Miss Malaprop – Prick or feet
The Jason Voorhees Ensemble – Why can’t I just meet a nice lady and settle down?
Pendulous – Calor gas night terrors
The Gangrenous Toads – Hubble double trouble
The Michael Jackson Puppetry Theatre – Thriller 2013 (strung-up mix)
monkeybroth 