Monkeybroth classifieds
Posted: 12/12/2012 Filed under: Monkeybroth classifieds | Tags: baby, book, buggy, classified, earwig, factory, gammon, landmines, sales, stroller Leave a commentFor sale – Action-Baby-stroller ‘Rampage Armageddon’ special editor)
In great condition with instructions. All blades and spikes have been kept meticulously sharp. Machine guns are fully stocked with 25 clips of ammo. Mortar cannon has just been professionally serviced. Comes complete with rain cover, cosy toes and landmines.
Contact Capt. Philip Brown-Sauce on schlumpy-wumpy254@biffordbarracks.com
A Pensioner’s Guide to Norwich – Wipe clean edition
Gives pensioners all the strategic hangouts for blocking aisles in Budgens, where to stand to cause maximum embarrassment to young couples shopping for family planning in Lloyds the chemists and the cheapest places to eat gammon, egg and chips. Comes with a fold out map of the best burlesque hotspots.
Visit our web shop to order NOW!
Earwig Factory – Sale or rent
Due to a family bereavement, the Gunterflask Earwig factory in West Flankington is surplus to requirement. The building has fallen into its dotage somewhat and will require some remedial work. The earwig-powered millstone will require renovation, but otherwise the property is sound. A rare opportunity to acquire an original 19th century earwig powered piece of history.
Please enquire in writing to Buffet & Loike Ltd.
Poetry corner
Posted: 10/12/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: Feet, fun, gimpy, otters, poetry, trotters 1 CommentRun! Scamper! Gimpy Pete! – by Olec Grantspiel
Some feet. Yes, those are feet.
Run gimpy Pete,
Run on your gimpy feet,
Run up hills and also bits that are flat,
Run like the neighbour’s cat cat cat!
Scamper gimpy Pete,
Scamper using your gimpy feet,
Scamper over flax fields and also occasional otters,
Scamper up like your legs are like trotters trotters trotters
MonkeyBroth Service announcements
Posted: 05/11/2012 Filed under: Monkeybroth announcements | Tags: announcements, biffordshire, fridge cleaning, jobs, milky, time travel Leave a commentMonkeyBroth is determined to give you, dear, dear reader, the most up-to-date announcements that are possible within the rules of time and space.
In fact, so keen are we that you are incredibly well-informed, we tried building a time machine so that we could acquire the announcements before they were conceived. Unfortunately, we quickly realised that building a time machine was a bit more difficult than we thought. Silly really, if it was that easy, someone would have done it already I suppose. Anyway, we’ve decided that we’ll stick to Meryl in the canteen who researches using Innovations magazine. Good enough really…
Me-cankers – New from MonkeyBroth kids! Conkers for the 21st century – it’s mechanical in some way! Me-cankers is the fun electronic game for all the family. Just string your ‘canker’ onto some electrical wire for hours of ball-bashing hilarity! The object of the game is simple; the first player to have their ball smashed by their opponent loses and has to live out their days knowing that they are inferior to the other player in at least one respect. Me-cankers – the new name in kids entertainment (Disclaimer: Some children may ultimately find this quite dull).
Stop this sort of thing! Apply today!
MonkeyBroth is recruiting! We need someone to come around and blow all of the dust and old food matter from our hard-worked keyboards. If you have the hunger to learn and to get on in life, you could be the person that we’re looking for! The successful candidate will have a City & Guilds Hygiene Level 1 certificate, a diploma in Mechanical engineering and a can of surprisingly expensive compressed air. A Degree in Biological Chemistry is preferred but not essential. Send your CV and something nice (Muffins always go down well) to; MonkeyBroth Towers, Pigeon Street, Cum-Wisely, Biffordshire, CW8 78X. Applications Close 11 November 2012 (or sooner if we manage to extract that piece of melted cheddar that’s jamming my space bar).
The ultimate in fridge cleanliness.
Have you ever noticed that your fridge gets all crusty where you put the milk in it? If so, Milky Milky Go Away can help. Just ring our free-phone number, and a qualified Milky Milky Go Away crust removal engineer will be with you within weeks. That’s right, no more wondering just what unpleasant life forms are building their own evil civilisation within the detritus of your fridge-skank. Milky Milky Go Away has been a member of the Lactose Scud Removal Society since 1912. Call now for a quote or even just a chat – we’re quite quiet at the moment. 0898 MILKYAWAY
Disco pig
Posted: 27/10/2012 Filed under: Disco Pig | Tags: chocolate, disco, hamster, pie floater, Pig, vauxhall vectra, windmill Leave a comment
Bustin’ outta da hood.
Woop woop piggy swiiiiinnnnggg piggy piggy. Know dat. Yeah dat’s right, da pig is here, bangin on ya ears like a massive snowman of tuuuuuunes! What I mean bruv!
Disco pig, he been layin low for a coupla weeks. Da Solid Hog Crew, dey bin movin in on me patch and kickin up a whole heapa trouble wit ma bruvahs. I been planning a comeback of biblical size man! Gonna hit em wit some of my favourite snout bangers on da weekend. Dem bruvas not gonna know wat hit em! Turn up these tooooooons!
Ghastly Chocolate – Certain it’s carob
Judge in Session – Bang that gavel (to the beat of the drum)
Massive Tea Chest – You say it, I call it, he made it
A Guy Called Key – Show it you’re furious and it’ll back down
Faulty bricks – Kick it like a hamster
Distribution – Moving on out (of the depot)
The Mighty Q Pushers – I think you’ll find I was next
Bastion of Moss – The Kenilworth sessions
Last Chop in the Shop – Lookin’ Good (feeling jaded)
Base Model Vectra – Wind up windows and no alloys
The Kenneth Greasy Project– Ghosts in the windmill
Baritone Rising – Pie floater
Some People – Have no respect (tsk! remix)
The Shoddy Craftsman – Left my drill in the pub again
Sally Silly Sadly Society featuring Heidi-Holes – Chicken fillets
Historic Environments – Dusting the Burmese
Unsolicited Calls – Don’t hang up!
2pm Leaving the Cinema – I expected it to be dark outside
Peter Feet and the Convivial Jugglers – One up, two up, three up…. awwww
More top tunes and maybe a double leaning jowler from Disco Pig soon…
Poetry corner
Posted: 27/10/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: anger, crisps, ears, morning star, teenager, vole Leave a commentThe aggressive crisp – by Brannigan McCoy
Crisps. Lethal in the wrong hands.
Thrown in anger like a morning star,
The twang of the crisp shattering on my car door,
What brought on this rage from a normal teenager?
Maybe deep-seated reports of shark attack dangers
For this teenager with crisp-dust strewn on upper lip,
Spouting his anger and losing his grip,
Is shouting some nonsense about ‘frumping some chissle’,
That might not be right but it sounded like drivel
So I halted my journey on route to the Vets,
To collect my vole from having its ears reset,
And alighted my vehicle to step to the curb,
To investigate why this teen is perturbed
And then suddenly thought it was only a crisp,
Thrown from his hand with a flick of the wrist,
No matter why this bile came to me with a frown,
I got back in my car and ran the chap down.
Tabloid squirrel
Posted: 19/10/2012 Filed under: Tabloid Squirrel | Tags: doves, even more wood, goats, gossip, more wood, stars, timber, wood Leave a commentGertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
He loves a bit of wood in the morning.
Welcome back showbiz fans and have WE got shrews for you? Yes. Yes we have!
First up, Goaty Rapidcorner has been locking horns with socialite, Elky Alces. Oh dear! Apparently they’ve been seen throwing chicken Tikka at each other at a recent garden party. I’ll BET that didn’t curry favour with the hosts!
In other exciting news, the Woodlouski brothers have announced that they are in pre-production for their latest blockbuster – The Gatetrix – Re-Logged, starring the rather stilted acting skills of Koala Leaves. We can only hope that his latest performance will be tree-mendous (that’s enough timber references thank you – Ed).
Elsewhere in the crazy world of Hollywood (last warning – Ed), YOU may HAVE heard that Robin Weevils has been axed from the remake of Dead Stoats Society due to creative differences. Robin has filed a lawsuit claiming age discrimination. An insider at Toadstone Pictures told us ‘Weevils has a problem with the white powder ya know? You can’t trust a smuck like that. He’s hitting up a kilo of self-raising every day.’
Finally, we’re happy to announce that those two love-birds, Maddy and Curtis Ringdove have hatched two new additions to their happy nest. Little Trafalgar-Square and Shop-Sign Ringdove were born on Monday TO a tired but happy Mom and POP! Mother and Chicks are doing well. Coo-chi-coo you two!
Tabloid Squirrel will sadly be back with more lumber-obsessed gossip at some point probably.
Poetry corner
Posted: 12/10/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: aeroplane, biro, eygpt, gargoyle, spout Leave a commentGrotesque spout – by Foppy Squeeze-Cheese
Coooeeeeee…
As they taxied across,
The cracked asphalt byway,
Fiona the legend,
Was engrossed in some word-play,
A Puzzler mag,
A cheerfully chewed biro,
A grab-bag of Revels,
And a ticket to Cairo
An air-fare paid,
By hazardous means,
Fiona tucked in,
To her aeroplane beans
‘But these are not Heinz’,
She complained to the crew,
It was clear to them,
That Fiona rarely flew
As the plane touched down,
On Egyptian soil,
Fiona triumphed at last,
Seven across – ‘Gargoyle’
Monkeybroth classifieds
Posted: 04/10/2012 Filed under: Monkeybroth classifieds | Tags: anne diamond, brava, clipper, fiat, Frankie Boyle, goats, ships, windows Leave a commentSpecial liveried Fiat Brava SX for sale – going cheep
Fully serviced by Anne Diamond from new. Recent cambelt change carried out by HSBC and professionally valeted by Frankie Boyle (quite a poor job in all honesty). Can be seen in mirrors and through contact lenses etc. Has been professionally painted to look like a sparrow. Genuine reason for sale – I have a pathological fear of sparrows. And Fiats.
Please, please call spaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrppppppppp as soon as possible. It’s looking at me all funny.
For sale or WHY? – Ship and window frame
Full sized 3 mast Clipper and UPVC bathroom window for immediate delivery! Boat can be positioned a long way from window to give a splendid nautical view or positioned closer for more detailed viewing. Window also works with other items placed at strategic distances to give the illusion of depth. Bring 3D to your home without the aid of those unwieldy TVs.
Contact me by flag semaphore or email brian@galleondoubleglazing.net
Goats resolutely not for sale!
Honestly, what do I have to do to stop you guys pestering me for pedigree Bionda dell’Adamello goats? I haven’t any goats at the lowest prices around. My goats (that I do not have) are not on 2 for 1 special offer and are certainly not the best kept goats in Biffordshire. NO GOATS! Geddit? I cannot relieve you of your money for that goat that you’ve always promised yourself.
DO NOT CONTACT ME by my email. Which is goodnessihavenogoats@budgie.com
Terrifying toy range of the week
Posted: 30/09/2012 Filed under: ...of the week | Tags: Baby Jake, funny, Kevin Spacey, odd, scary, shaved, toys Leave a comment
Baby Jake re-imagined as a shaved Kevin Spacey. Just wrong..
Your emails
Posted: 05/09/2012 Filed under: It's your emails | Tags: Disco Pig, KLF, love, time Leave a comment
Not Free Post. We’re not made of money.
Q) Dear Monkeybroth,
What time is love?
P.S. We luv Disco Pig! He’s the best pig/DJ in our opinion! Yay!
Yours Eternally,
The KLF
MonkeyBroth says;
Dear KLF,
The last we heard it was about 3am, but times are subject to change due to circumstances beyond our control. Stand by the Jams for further information.
Yours,
MoooonkeyBroth! A-ha, A-ha
monkeybroth 