More monkeybroth classifieds

MORRISSEY for sale – 16in frame with 15 Shimano gears. Hardly worn. Will sing Smiths hits if stroked. Requires 12 AA batteries. Little bit of rust in the usual places but first to see will buy, so don’t miss out. The gravitational pull of the moon forces reluctant sale. £18 Call 01224 7878784457689 and ask for Derek or one of the Dominoes.

CHE GUEVARA COLANDER – for sale. Crafted in the shape of the revolutionary leader and iconic figure. Vendor moving to Ventnor to find venue for vending machine. Colander is genuine collector’s item – make a perfect gift for fans of kitchen appliances in the shape of revolutionary leaders. Also available Garibaldi Spatula and Trotsky Griddle Pan. Entire set £43 ovno. Ask for Barry Britches on 444666777.

THE PIPS – former Gladys Knight backing singers for sale. Can be seen with mother. Fully wormed and inoculated and KC registered. All boys, ready for a new home immediately. Come with microphones and silver tuxedo style suits. Ideal first backing singers, fully harmonised and ready to go. To view, catch the midnight train and ask for Georgia.

POTATOES – two potatoes for sale. Unwanted competition prize. Unpeeled, ideal gift for potato fans. New cambelt fitted, attention needed to electrics hence bargain price £1,600 ono.

STALIN SHOES – Get in on the latest craze! Crocs shoes with pictures of Stalin on them. Comfortable and practical in sizes 4-11. Red only. March your way to the Urals in these high fashion items, ideal for a Siberian summer and for children with communist values everywhere. Call Red Ronnie on the phone

DOLPHIN PYSCHIC – My underwater mammal can predict your future accurately and safely. 100 per cent tuna friendly service. Readings can be done in person (please bring swimming trunks) or over the phone. Please allow minutes between readings as dolphin can get terribly tired. Full interpretation manual provided at time of writing. No Pisces please as you tend to distract dolphin from the job in hand. Call Mystic Mark and the Dolphin of Doom on 8999675. Friendly local service (based in Clumhound, Barkfordshire)

MY GRANDMOTHER – popular matriarchal octogenarian for sale. People keep telling me I would do it so here I am doing it. Lovely temperament, ideal replacement for lost elderly relatives. Slight wear and tear to chassis but structurally sound. Born post-war so very few combat stories to share. Buyer must provide own port and lemon and be prepared to register my Gran as SORN. Comes with shawl and brand new stainless steel dribble bowl. Answers to Doris but will respond to ‘Felix’ ‘Arthur’ and ‘Leo Sayer’. No time wasters please. Viewing strictly by appointment only. Call on me, Eric Prydz, on 76866788.

TRAILER – for sale or rent. Also room to let, 50c. Please note I am not selling a phone or a pool. No pets either. Will consider part exchange in return for two hours pushing broom for this or for an eight by twelve four bit room. Ain’t got no cigarettes so smoking is strictly forbidden. Call King Of The Road lettings and ask for Dean.

STAR WARS collectible inflatables. Due to a factory fire I have three Stars Wars inflatables for sale. One Darth Vader inflatable plus two full size Ewoks. Ewoks come with inflatable spears and will emit low grunts when squeezed. Due to damage Darth Vader does not inflate fully – meaning head droops to one side. Ideal for children’s parties or Star Wars themed inflatable parties. £15 each ovno. Will consider part ex for £15. Call me and ask for Spagna – yes, the 1980s Italian pop princess.