Moonman the Apocalyptic – your May stars my little sugar puffs…

A Sham

Your monthly horoscope with our resident stargazer Moonman the Apocalyptic….

Hi everyone, I knew you’d be reading this but it’s nice to see it confirmed. It’s been a tricky month for the third eye. The other day I peeled some onions and it wept for a bit. Nasty. But it is open now and looking out for you. Yes you, my splendid little gasping fishes of wonderfulness. You look great by the way.

Aries

Well, that was a turn up for the books wasn’t it Aries? I can’t believe he totally blanked you at Sussex Stationers. Still, on Saturday, a nature trail will be bucking the system when a surprise visit from a curious vole means fair trade coffee at 10am.

Lucky hand wash – Palmolive

Taurus

So you’re feeling pretty bullish about that game of Kerplunk with Jesse Birdsall eh Taurus? As well you might for he is a strong adversary! Lock the car tomorrow or someone will steal your Garmin from under the driver’s seat. You know that’s the first place they look…

Lucky band – Sham 69

Gemini

Double up for fun Gemini, for an approaching email warns of your parents arriving at short notice for a cuppa and a chat. Hide behind the sofa and they’ll never see you. A ghost from the past will stay there so don’t heed the advice from Graham. He only likes you for your soft muffins anyway.

Lucky crossword clue – 7 across

Cancer

While Rhythm is apparently a dancer, she’s got a silly name so pay her tired moves little attention. A trip along the snacks aisle in Budgens makes you proud when you see that the letter you’re writing has paid off and they have replenished the Wasabi peanut stock. The staff does so love your little missives…

Lucky myth – Japanese cars don’t break down

Leo

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo,
A hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango.
He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty tango.
The rhino said, “I know, we’ll call it Um Bongo”… That, Leo, is fact.

Lucky drink – Kia-Ora

Virgo

You’re not surprised when a small child offers you a sticker with a spaniel puppy on it in a shopping centre on Thursday. Everyone has to start somewhere after all Virgo! Best place to stick it is on your knee. The fabric on your jacket means it won’t adhere properly.

Lucky sweep – chimney

Libra

LOOK OUT LIBRA! Phew! That was close! You’d better clear that up before it stains.

Lucky cleaner – Rug Doctor

Scorpio

Post a letter to a family friend. Go on, do it now while I wait….. There that’s better isn’t it? Didn’t I tell you? Anyway, you’ll forget about the leftover cottage pie unless it’s mopped up tonight. Use the posh bread you bought down the farmers market to clean the plate. Don’t just leave the dishes ‘till the morning either. I’m watching you Scorpio…

Lucky Muesli – Dorset Cereals

Sagittarius

Monday afternoon will bring a loved one home. This joy will be tempered by them taking a long time in the bathroom and making you late for work. Just what are they doing in there anyway?!? Milking an Asp? For Christ sake…

Lucky soup – Minestrone

Capricorn

You’ve been feeling sad for the elderly guest house owners up the road haven’t you? Don’t worry. Old Brian is a Free Mason. They look after their own so he’ll be fine. Meanwhile, a competition may win you a hamper from your local boat builders. What good fortune Capricorn!

Lucky Postcode – CV36

Aquarius

Put those long devised plans to work this week Aquarius and seek your own destiny! Because I haven’t looked into it yet. Sorry about that. Dropped the ball a bit there.

Lucky grant – Russell

Pisces

Boasting about the cutlery set you bought for a song could get you into trouble. It wasn’t a good song anyway – just a dodgy power ballad from the 80’s. The seller may get nasty when they hear it. Grasp the nettle on Friday! It’ll sting a bit but can be boiled up to make a rudimentary soup.

Lucky leaf – Dock