Public Service Announcements

When Monkeybroth was a lad, we used to have this old collie dog. She was called Arthur. We spent many happy years with Arthur, gambolling in the nearby fields, playing ball and swimming in the Rebecca Brooks, that lovely nature reserve which Biffordshirians are only too pleased to call their own. Arthur was more than a dog to the downy-haired and puffy-faced adolescent Monkeybroth. She was a friend, a pal, a mate, a dear and trusted confidant. Tragically, Arthur was killed during the Owlford Riots of 1989, that terrible hot summer which shames the Biffordshire Women’s Institute to this very day.

Monkeybroth held Arthur’s paw as she lay there in amongst the glass and shattered dreams on the pavement just outside Owlford Budgens. With her last breath she seemed to whisper; ‘make sure you carry on with the public service announcements as they provide an extremely vital service to communities across the county, particularly for the old and infirm who are unable to get out and about as much as they like to and who, perhaps, might have fought in the second world war or the Falklands conflict at the very least’. Those then were Arthur’s last words.

So please find below the latest harvesting of public service announcements from across this emerald and fragrant county of Biffordshire. This week dedicated to Arthur. The collie dog. May she rest in peace.

DUE to a mild case of athlete’s foot back in 1988, I have a 13 boxed Mark Knopflers for sale. Each Knopfler comes with interchangeable coloured headbands and authentic  face-like-a-depressed sardine expression. So, if you are in Dire Straits, then. Erm. Call Fiona Cockgrumble on Vagisil-on-the-Mold 6787665678

PLEASE rehome an onion today. One-Yon Onion Rescue in Cleft has dozens of abandoned onions all looking for a loving new home. Many of our onions have been left to fend for themselves, living off scraps they find in the streets. Take Misty for instance. Misty was found by our volunteers with several layers of skin peeled away, foraging for scraps round the back of Budgens in Cleft. For an onion of her age and size she was desperately underweight and was terrified of humans. With our love, care and attention, we’ve turned Misty into the faithful loving onion we knew she could be. So please, if you are thinking about getting an onion, whether it be spring, red or the other sorts, call in and view our ready to home onions today. It will be a real tear jerker! Call Cleft 19191919 and ask for Shirley Youcantbeserious.

ARE YOU plagued by blood-sucking fruit and vegetables coming out at night and attacking your livestock? We can help. Here at Vampire Lemons we offer a 24 hour service to prevent fruit from going bad. And we mean really bad. In 2008 nearly two people were attacked in their sleep by blood thirsty fruit and veg. One person died just three weeks later after being bitten by a sharp-toothed pear in a big cape late at night. The pear had a big widow’s peak and no reflection, everything! The bloke who died was hit by a car to be fair, but the police did think it was suspicious. Too right it was! Vampire Lemons, helping you to take a bite out of your vampirical fruit bowl. Call Wayne Surgery on Minge 66666999999

THERE’S more than one way to skin a cat. So the old saying goes. Well I’ve got three fridges for sale. Two of the fridges are in the shape of Bob Holness off of Blockbusters. The third fridge is the same height and shape as Ronnie Corbett, ideal for keeping beer, other alcoholic drinks or soft beverages cool and icy during the hot summer months. The spectacles on the Ronnie Corbett fridge will need adjusting from time to time in order to keep the fridge in peak working condition. All three fridges come with a guarantee that once you have paid for them you’ll be able to take them away. Call Richard Stillgoe on Owlford 343434343

SINCE 1967 I’ve been predicting the future. Now let me do it for you. Hang on… I predict you will shortly be making a telephone call having seen an ad on Monkeybroth.com. See? I’m brilliant at it. Call Mystic Kevin on Flump 343343434. I am waiting for your call. Or am I?

FOR SALE. I have four sails for sale. Call Sally and ask about the four sails Sally has for sale. Please do as I really need to sell the four sails I have for sale. I’ve knocked £20 off the asking price so you could say there is a sale on the four sails Sally needs to sell. Anyway, when you ring you’ll need to ask for Sally who has the four sails for sale. You’ll need to be quite specific as my flatmate passed away three years ago and, to be fair, she isn’t great at taking messages any more. She smells a bit too if I’m being brutally honest.

FRANK-INCENSED. Are you alone tonight? Got nobody to talk too? Enjoy the sound of people getting angry? Call FRANK-INCENSED tonight for the ultimate in over-the-phone-listening-to-someone-being-really-angry relief. Choose option one to hear Frank scold an otter for having the stereo up too loud. Option Two to hear Frank give next door’s cat a right telling off for weeing on his shallots or Option Three for Frank’s rather agitated exchange with the paper boy, after he delivered Shoot Magazine instead of Flange Monthly one Friday morning. Call FRANK-INCENSED on Wipe 3454454543.