MonkeyBroth Public Service Announcements!
Posted: 27/08/2012 Filed under: Monkeybroth announcements | Tags: albums, Daniel Radcliffe, games, ghosts, Scissors, songs, trivial pursuits Leave a commentDo you have any idea just how seriously we take our public service commitments? I’ll bet you don’t. But let me tell you, it’s all straight faces and grim determination here at MonkeyBroth towers when it comes to bringing you, not just the cutting or bleeding edge information, but the blubbing-whilst-mummy-puts-a-plaster-on-it edge information.
Who you gonna call? Ghost Scissors that’s who! If you’re scared of ghosts, ghouls and poltergeists then Ghost Scissors can help! A pair of these, lodged at just the right angle to jam your kitchen drawer, will do all the hard work. They also work on Headless Horsemen, things under your bed, the monster in the cupboard, zombies, Daniel Radcliffe, werewolves and werewomen, even sealed packaging and paper! Yes, Ghost Scissors truly are the answer to that question that you asked in your head last week while waiting in that haunted branch of Budgens. Terrified of spooks? Cut it out!
New from MonkeyBroth games, Clap Trap is the word association game for all ages from 34 to 36. Clap Trap combines the smugness of Trivial Pursuits with the pointless hours of setting up a rickety, barely functioning, plastic, mechanical contraption that contains exactly eight seconds of ‘fun’ once triggered. Laugh at your friends’ ignorance as they don’t know what the Fibonacci sequence is. Grimace as the plastic gerbil attached to the submarine pops off the spindle without pushing the coffee maker into HMS Invincible. Laugh as you find the intangible rulebook under the settee almost a decade after buying it. Clap Trap. Only a letter away from the truth!
Hengleberb Mankledink returns with his masterful comeback album, Shimplederk – Klankle Hearts Rejoiceickle. Come closer than ever before to Memplebarb’s soulful rendition of ‘Baby Got Back-shumple’. Immerse your lobes on his re-imagining of ‘I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That-umpa’. Drop into a solemn pool of sound with his cover of ‘Wait and Bleed-huffle’. Also contains the finale of his incredible trilogy, ‘Euro, Euro, Euro, Bang, Bang, Bang’. Flanklebend Hyperburp – Klankle Hearts. Out now only on Prey-Tel.
Poetry corner
Posted: 20/08/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: boats, Cake, cheese, crayons, furious, gout, moles, Quentin Blake Leave a commentGary did it – By Jimmy Spaff
A lion. For no particular reason.
He did you know,
I saw him too,
Gave him legs,
Of daring do,
He swims like crayons,
In seas of Rainham,
Gary did it,
In the Planetarium
He folded the cheese,
Like a Spaniard cake,
I based his head,
On Quentin Blake,
Sun bleached quads,
Of furious moles,
Gary did it,
On gout-filled shoals
Did you see him,
Does he know,
Boats are chasing,
His old baby grows,
Most like a fleeting,
Of chaps looking grim,
Gary did it,
I bloody well saw him
Restaurant De Moda Gimp Piscines
Posted: 03/08/2012 Filed under: Monkeybroth cuisine | Tags: budgens, donkey, fish, issues, kids, passion, waffles, war Leave a commentCome visit! Bring the kids (unless they have behavioural issues), bring Grandma (unless she’s racist), bring a long-lost friend that you ran in to in Budgens recently and have harboured a passion for over many frustrating years.
Starters
Holy moley fish soley in a rolly polly guacamole sauce.
Grunting of Pete, from Donnington. Bones a certainty.
Main
Spanking buttered goat boots. Very spicy!!
A championship of clams. *Please note clams may sing when served.
A wallet of notes flambéed at your table with a mwahahaha!!! side dish.
Donkey Waffles, smooth gravel and shavings of sweet, sweet doubt.
Pudding will be…
Muttering about the war.
Please book in advance as refusal is likely to be brutally expressed.
Peter Foust-Grumpert and his blog within a blog
Posted: 27/07/2012 Filed under: Peter Foust-Grumpert | Tags: back lash, offal, post nasal drip, sausage, trumpets 1 CommentReturn of F-G (it is)
Return of F-G (come on)
Return of F-G (oh my God)
You knew that I’d be back (here I am)
That’s right my grateful followers, Peter’s back to rock the show. Respect due to me.
Thursday 26 July 2012 – 12.45pm
Not your average bangers.
Well I’ve been on a sabbatical due to some personal matters and, of course, big business. I was asked for some advice on a promising little blog regarding luxury sausage making. ‘Squeezing one out’ will be making big waves on the blog scene very soon and is set to put our little town on the map for quality sausages. Keep them pealed (not the sausages though, that’s reserved for potatoes and other hard skinned vegetables. Pealing sausages is only for emergency stuffing use only). Offaly good.
And the personal matters? Well I’ve been suffering with post-nasal drip which has sapped some creative energy recently. Well, I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself off and got on with conquering my goals. Is there any left to conquer eh Peter?
Thursday 26 July 2012 – 3.56pm
So Peter’s back. Bring on the trumpets and play a lament to boredom because it’s being chased up the flag-pole. Bingo!
Back to business, you’ll be glad to hear that the leylandii article is right back on the front burner. It’s as refined as single malt and twice as mind-blowing. Long gestation
So, how are the courses going over at the leisure centre? It’s a funny story but, due to circumstances beyond my control and a court order, I’ve been stopped from running them. Daphne turned on me and claimed sexual harassment on the third lesson. Like she had a chance with old Peter eh? I like my women like I like my coffee. Strong. And Kenyan. Mrs. F-G is a lucky lady eh Peter?
Back soon for more pearls of genius. I may even break out the leylandii post. Brace yourself…
Christ who invited Peter back? No…… I missed that email otherwise I’d have done something… I’m not having another Irish back-lash…. Um, looks like there will be more Peter Foust-Grumpert soon… Sorry about that.
Poetry corner
Posted: 25/07/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: deeds, divorce, free, fwap, poetry, sausage, Scouts Leave a commentDolphins of Dagenham – by Hanky Meatspin
Bang!
The divorce,
That ripped that family into a whole three quarters,
Wantonly spoke at the cat in Dutch paint
Fwap!
The letter,
That signalled the end of days around the spoon,
Talking of deeds never spoken of then
Boingggggg!
His cheques,
Written in jest of days when they were once happened of yet,
Spoken words on tea towels
Changgggggggggg!
The sound of closure,
Closing closily in a closing way backwards,
Moisture clinging from Scouts
Spang!
The fork of destiny,
Hanging like a sausage around their cloaks,
They leave
Monkeybroth classifieds
Posted: 23/07/2012 Filed under: Monkeybroth classifieds | Tags: Cheggers, classifieds, cousin, picture, Swap Shop, trousers Leave a commentPossible swap – Swop-Shop sweater size small
A knitted homage to the popular children’s Saturday morning show. Fully certified memorabilia complete with Mike Reid’s (maygodresthissoul) stamp of disapproval. May throw in a Cheggers’ Goes Pap (rare misprint) eiderdown if the deal is right.
May swap for Manimal desk fan.
Call 64646804086406406+40640496046 for misdirection.
Wanted – Ghost Dad on DVD
Has anyone got this on DVD? Is it an actual film or have I made it up? I think it may have Kenneth Branagh in it and be themed around Bakewell Tart. I’m not sure. There may have been a follow up called The Misadventures of a Grave Digga possibly starring Frampton O’Cake as a bowling alley instructor. Whatever. I don’t wish to pay anything so you can get that idea out of your head.
Contact me on: Telepathy
Were you that girl?
Well were you? Don’t be shy – get in touch via the medium of dance. I’ve got a car, a small flat and three pairs of trousers and I’m willing to share (just the trousers mind).
See you soon pretty lady!!
For sale – A framed picture of my cousin
No particular reason for sale. She’s no stunner but is ‘handsome’ in a certain light and fully washable. Non smoking on account of it being a picture. First to see will wonder what on earth happened.
Just pop round.
Poetry corner
Posted: 28/06/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: Barnsley, boat, gibbous, gravy, loot, Minstrel, mouse, snoot Leave a comment
Captions are hard sometimes OK?
Minstrel holes – by Bobby Biddy
Scant were the words of Geraldine’s mouse,
That lived out days in Minstrel holes
Gravid once was her lived in spouse
Played once for Barnsley and scored no goals
Gravy boats danced,
Gravy boats spurned,
Gravy boat cocked her a snoot,
Gravy boats turned
Gravy boats jumped
Gravy boats pillaged for loot
She glanced at frost ‘cross the Lillo,
Formed where once there were fields,
Reminisced while she peered through the shadow,
And thought ‘pon her days as a shield
Gravy boats danced,
Gravy boats spurned,
Gravy boat formed coalitions,
Gravy boats turned
Gravy boats jumped
Gravy boats on special missions
Her faded Formica told a few tales,
Of life on the open road and bathroom glue,
And nant it did bimp flont gibbousy nails
And bibidy bobbidy boo
Gravy boats danced,
Gravy boats spurned,
Gravy boat bounced around Clapham,
Gravy boats turned
Gravy boats jumped
Gravy boats talked to the tax man
Poorly drawn pavement marking of the week…
Posted: 20/06/2012 Filed under: ...of the week | Tags: bird, Darkstar, man, marking, partridge Green, road Leave a comment
The Bird-Man of Partridge Green…
Poetry corner
Posted: 18/06/2012 Filed under: Poetry corner, Uncategorized | Tags: ericaceous, floral, hat, milk, thunk Leave a commentThe Floral Hat by Margetea Flappys
Hattage.
To wither your hat so floral be,
That hat betched on fine memories,
Snunched from ericaceous bottled grasp,
Drunk from a hidden hip flask
Asked gurunder hats contentious tilt,
Fleeced of all its Mother’s Milk,
I mithered around a musky thunk,
And bothered memoires hastily shrunk
Madeleicly shong the beasts away,
Himpingly greened and kept at bay,
Bamping and fluntingly you beefed a chat,
Due to the gant of your floral hat
Tabloid Squirrel
Posted: 15/06/2012 Filed under: Tabloid Squirrel | Tags: animals, beano, bour, celebrity, news, rabbits, woodland Leave a comment
He doesn’t write for Nuts magazine.
Gertcha! All the latest Hollywoodland gossip from Monkey Broth’s very own peeping tom rodent, Tabloid Squirrel…gertcha!
Fans of Gerry Lee-Boar ARE in luck this week as the radio celebrity has been snapped boaring-all at Longleat Centre Parcs. THESE images clearly show that, despite the Disc-Jockeys famous love of KP peanuts, he’s been working out la-boar-iously in pursuit of a hunky body!!
With all this GOING down, you’d be forgiven for missing the latest on-set tantrum by Bobby Stoat while filming the latest mega-budget horror flick, Albino Rabbits 2 – Carrots of the Unforgiving. He reportedly threw his own droppings at a main grip who’d asked if he would sign his Beano Annual. We can’t see that this is going TO help with his already shaky reputation for being awkward to work with! He’ll be losing fans by the stoat-load!
It’s been reported that model, Melly Grasshopper, will BE the new face of MoleSkins petit range. A bold move considering the flak that Melly received when her weight plummeted to under a gram for the Weasel-Wear fashion show. Still, considering she’s in the twilight of her career, I’m sure she jumped at the chance!
Is it just me that has NOTICED a striking similarity between Turbot Jones, the flamboyant front-fish of The Oxygen Boys and Guru-to-the-stars, Findley Bosh-Horse? They’ve both been seeing the pricy image consultant Dinky Bear for a fresh new look. Unfortunately it appears to be the same fresh new look! Let’s hope Findley’s not just a one trick pony and that Turbot’s not just fishing for compliments!!!
Ouch…. More awful puns and under-developed ideas with Tabloid Squirrel soon. Unless you beg us to stop…
monkeybroth 