Another thought of the week – with the very Rev Archbishop of Toad-in-the-Wold

Thought of the week

With the extremely and hugely reverend Archbishop of Toad-in-the-Wold, Dr Robert Carolgees…

“Many of you will know and appreciate I am certain about the church’s stance on same-sex marriages and it is with this thought running through my head that I sat down with my live-in helper to play Scrabble the other night. As you may recall my house is kindly paid for from the generous pockets of my parishioners, and as  Gumpert and I settled down to lock mental horns over a taxing game of word play, I plumped my cushions in order to comfort myself for the challenge ahead. Gumpert was noisily masticating on the last Findus Crispy Pancake, which he had snuck away at the back of the freezer out of my ecclesiastical reaches, the little scamp.

As the crumbs from his meaty treat scattered themselves onto the floor, I felt annoyed that alas the vacuum Hoover, kindly supplied to me by my parishioners, had long lain dormant in the cupboard, and was resting lazily against the bottles of communion wine left over from my New Year’s Eve party in 2004.  As Gumpert crunched against the crust of the pancake, which, I was to discover through a spray of reconditioned chicken meat and orangey breadcrumbs, was his favourite bit of a crispy pancake, my thoughts weighted heavy on me. How would we ever get the half chewed and saliva encrusted pancake from the expensive Persian rug, so kindly provided to me by my parishioners?

Holy Henry

As I pondered, I resigned myself to having to clear up the ungodly mess with a dust pan and brush. Gumpert wasn’t in a position to help; he was too busy draining a can of Vimto and had decided at that very moment to roll one of his foul-smelling Moroccan cigarillos. As I stood to fetch the dust pan, a sudden beam of ethereal light illuminated the handle to one of the drawers in the drawing-room. I rose to investigate and pulled sharply at the drawer to discover a transparent pouch stuffed full of Hoover bags. I do believe that the Lord was speaking to me at that very moment.

Suddenly the solution became clear to me – why, perhaps by changing the bag on the Hoover I could rid the rug of crispy pancake globules and indeed perhaps be able to tackle the now spat out Vimto with effective gusto. Rising in an almost trance like state I fetched the Hoover and simply, and without fuss, changed the bag. With Gumpert now snoozing on the sofa in a rather natty pose, I simply hoovered up the offending crumbage. What would have taken me many hours with my dust pan and brush and taken mere seconds – verily the Lord doth move in mysterious ways!

More divine nonsense from Dr Robert Carolgees next week folks!