Moonman the Apocalyptic…

Your weekly horoscope with our resident stargazer Moonman the Apocalyptic….

Hi guys, Moonman the Apocalyptic here back for another starry-eyed gaze into your future. There’s much to discuss this week especially for hairy-backed Librans from Redditch, who are in for a fantastic Wednesday week. Don’t forget to stock up on AAA batteries for that one, you superbly super hairy-backed Librans you…

Aquarius

Moonman loves Aquarians – you are so super watery aren’t you? The moon will be entering its fifth phase this week, so there’s bound to be some strange and unaccounted for discounts at your local Aldi. Their washing up liquid has won a best buy so don’t let that tall dark handsome stranger you’ll meet outside Costa Coffee at 11.28am put you off.

Lucky amphibian: Natterjack Toad

Pisces

For Christ’s sake, leave Natterjack Toads out of your plans over the next lunar phase. They are for Aquarians only. There’s a chance of a biscuit or two for Pisceans on Friday and for lady Pisceans that obsessive check out guy who questioned your choice of crisps last week looms large over your weekend. Yes, cheese and onion crisps should be securely packaged and sold in green bags but don’t let that stop your lunar love from being nourished.

Lucky tool: Angle Grinder

Aries

The days are getting lighter aren’t they Arians? You know what I am talking about

Lucky cat: Garfield

Taurus

Sturdy, forgiving and motivated pretty much sums up your boss at work doesn’t it? You want to be like him don’t you? Be better than you are by Moonman the Apocalyptic will tell you how you can be more like your boss, Taureans. It’s only £19.99 you miserable tight fisted jock wads.

Lucky complaint: Hernia

Gemini

Neptune is straining into Mercury and Jupiter has fallen out with Saturn over a lost MOT certificate. Bad news for the stellar community, but good news for you, dear Gemini. Your childhood dog will return covered in cobwebs and carrying an empty hoover bag. Grab your destiny, Gemini, and open the hoover bag.

Lucky former US President: J.Edgar Hoover

Cancer

Duvets are the root of all evil Cancer – desist from using yours as some sort of high-togged cloth replacement for your husband. He’s not coming back. Thursday offers the chance to think about Friday, Saturday will offer the chance to get your reptilian hat back from the shop. Sorry they rang and left a message, I forgot to tell you.

Lucky jumper: V-neck

Leo

I feel like dancing, hoo, dancing, hoo…you make me feel like dancing, Leo

Lucky road feature: Adverse camber

Virgo

Thanks to Uranus’s cold the chemist becomes the focal point of civil unrest on Monday. Avoid it, Virgo and use Church Road instead, you can always double back via the level crossing if you really need to visit the High Street. Your obsession with purple reaches its tumescence on Friday so use it to the full. You will meet a disabled former lollipop lady outside the Co-Op who will offer you a pair of orange shoes. Ignore her.

Lucky food: Sausages

Libra

Lovely Librans, how balanced you are. If you live in the B96-B98 postcode areas and enjoy the velvety and welcoming softness of a hairy back you will enjoy riches beyond your dreams. Batteries will be required as they are not included. The fuel injected version is for demonstration purposes only remember, dear, dear Librans.

Lucky orifice: nostril

Scorpio

Grab the Subbutteo from the loft and have a beer for the sake of all that is holy, Scorpio. You can wipe that smile off your face too.

Lucky hobby: Train sets

Sagittarius

Welsh cakes will keep you sustained over the weekend, Sagittarius, as the moon waxes to remove unsightly upper thigh hair. Don’t pause by the corpse of that dead squirrel on Saturday morning. It was elderly and it’s time had come that’s all.

Lucky root vegetable: Turnip

Capricorn

A surprise phone call, well it won’t be a surprise now because I am telling you about it, from Des Lynam puts an abrupt end to that franchise business idea you have been mulling over. Alright mardy, don’t shoot the messenger.

Lucky tramp: Wille McTavish, Green Park, London