by Hewlett Packard
Gosh Bertie McNulty is such a wheeze,
He’s great with the ladies and at climbing trees,
He always wears lovely trousers and a nice shirt,
His hair is quite brown and his buttocks are pert,
He’s great on the dancefloor and is quite the wild rover,
He can drink lots of lager without falling over,
He’s super at football and cricket I’ve heard too,
Last week he smashed an unbeaten 102,
He can grow a moustache in an afternoon,
Holidays in the south of France for the whole of June,
Oh Bertie McNulty those ladies don’t stand a chance,
You melt their hearts with just one glance,
Oh he’s really good at board games as well like Kerplunk,
In Australia they would say ‘crikey, what a spunk’
He’s happy to lend me whatever I want,
He’s better at maths than Norman Lamont,
He’s terribly nice to his mum I’ve been told,
Never says she’s wrinkly or is looking too old,
He’s so good with the ladies with all his chatter,
Think it’s his muscles and flirty patter,
Oh Bertie those ladies, their hearts will never mend,
You really are the bestest ever imaginary friend.
By Godfrey Whipplesticks
I’m so in love with Marjorie Whim,
She looks so proper, upstanding and prim.
But underneath that restrained exterior,
I reckon she’d enjoy a whack on her posterior,
Perhaps with a rolled up copy of The Sun
Or something heavier like the Times, what fun!
But despite my yearnings for the fragrant Marge
My fears that she’ll eschew me just loom large.
I stare at her wistfully across the office canteen,
As she stoops to pick up a floored runner bean
Most of us surely would grunt and grumble,
Having to bend so low and fumble,
Along the floor to find that errant vegetable,
But graceful Marjorie is just so able.
It’s more of a swoop than anything I guess,
It’s amazing to watch I must confess,
A shapely bend of the knee towards the floor
My heart is racing, oh my god, phwoooar!
Oh crikey but now Marjorie has spotted me,
Now I am in trouble I had better be,
On my best behaviour, not be so keen
But oh look whoops I’ve dropped another bean
Just to see Marjorie bend again in the canteen
I can’t help myself but I really must be cagier
Cos now I’m in trouble with my line manager
Looking for love? Find your perfect partner wherever they may be across Biffordshire with Monkeybroth personal ads. To place an ad call Marjorie Whim at Monkeybroth Towers. 10p a letter. Which is excellent value for the penny-pinching love-mongers out there. When calling please have a copy of Evelyn Waugh’s Decline and Fall in your back pocket and send 23 mint humbugs to Marjorie at the usual address.
ELDERLY GENT, 78, scared of ponies and larvae seeks vivacious redhead model for arty photography and maybe more. An interest in spoon bending and Johnny Mathis’s early work an advantage. Box 5678790
PARTIALLY ATTRACTIVE Female, 48, raspberry blonde seeks young-looking male for catching bluebottles by the light of the silvery moon and romantic trips out to sea in a pea-green boat. Must have own owl. Box 343553433
INSENSTIVE moustachioed man seeks cougar with GSOS and ADH for night-time larks aplenty. WLTM you soon …you must be out there. I’m longing to bake potatoes for you. Box 4343554334
MAN with three thumbs seeks plug socket style lady for some electrifying fun. Partner must have three similar receptive holes with an on-switch for a nose. Let’s connect! Box car willy
BUBBLY LADY with soft lemon scented skin WLTM man with corduroy helmet and leather pouch for late night Polish translation sensations. If you’ve got the croutons I can make the love soup. Box 545454
HANDSOME Biffordshire Man enjoys going to the pub, coming back from the pub and being at the pub, seeks sober mistress type to tut at him in the mornings and open the door for him late at night with a facepack on. Must have own rolling pin and the ability to slap it into the palm of your hand. Call Wibble 543423233
POLICEMAN, 32, seeks Caucasian male approximately 6ft 2ins, around 30 years old with Englebert Humperdinck tattoos on both arms for questioning over an armed robbery at Flump Building Society last month. Speaks in a high-pitched Disney voice. Call 01999 999999 in complete confidence.
AFFLUENT MALE, 42 with iron deficiency WLTM meat. Box 54334445
INFLATABLE Woman seeks sensitive caring male for long-term friendship maybe more. Has been let-down in the past, hence saggy, wrinkly appearance. Box 9898989898
PUZZLE shaped man, looking for the missing piece in his life. I could be sky, I could be sea, but I’m not a corner. Can you fit me into your life? Box 66556565655
ELEGANT LADY, 68 seeks ex-military man in a waistcoat to propose to her immediately before throwing himself in front of a bus when I tell him I don’t want to marry him and that I am a man. You must be out there! Box 3433333232
SUCCESFUL BUSINESSMAN would like to meet woman dressed as a scatter-cushion. Bored of your run-of-the-mill ladies dressed as pillows, so if you want some haberdashery style fun in your life get in touch. Box 4433243545
LIKE MINDED MAN seeks like minded lady to stay in and watch repeats of the original Minder with Denis Waterman and eat peanuts. Denis will be there 7.30 for 8pm. Box 4
BUBBLY LADY seeks Simon Bates look-alike to help her beat up Noel Edmonds, kids, marriage and maybe more. Box 54545454533
STUNNING SIMON BATES lookalike seeks lady with shared irrational hatred of Noel Edmonds. Box 44554332234
When Monkeybroth was a lad, we used to have this old collie dog. She was called Arthur. We spent many happy years with Arthur, gambolling in the nearby fields, playing ball and swimming in the Rebecca Brooks, that lovely nature reserve which Biffordshirians are only too pleased to call their own. Arthur was more than a dog to the downy-haired and puffy-faced adolescent Monkeybroth. She was a friend, a pal, a mate, a dear and trusted confidant. Tragically, Arthur was killed during the Owlford Riots of 1989, that terrible hot summer which shames the Biffordshire Women’s Institute to this very day.
Monkeybroth held Arthur’s paw as she lay there in amongst the glass and shattered dreams on the pavement just outside Owlford Budgens. With her last breath she seemed to whisper; ‘make sure you carry on with the public service announcements as they provide an extremely vital service to communities across the county, particularly for the old and infirm who are unable to get out and about as much as they like to and who, perhaps, might have fought in the second world war or the Falklands conflict at the very least’. Those then were Arthur’s last words.
So please find below the latest harvesting of public service announcements from across this emerald and fragrant county of Biffordshire. This week dedicated to Arthur. The collie dog. May she rest in peace.
DUE to a mild case of athlete’s foot back in 1988, I have a 13 boxed Mark Knopflers for sale. Each Knopfler comes with interchangeable coloured headbands and authentic face-like-a-depressed sardine expression. So, if you are in Dire Straits, then. Erm. Call Fiona Cockgrumble on Vagisil-on-the-Mold 6787665678
PLEASE rehome an onion today. One-Yon Onion Rescue in Cleft has dozens of abandoned onions all looking for a loving new home. Many of our onions have been left to fend for themselves, living off scraps they find in the streets. Take Misty for instance. Misty was found by our volunteers with several layers of skin peeled away, foraging for scraps round the back of Budgens in Cleft. For an onion of her age and size she was desperately underweight and was terrified of humans. With our love, care and attention, we’ve turned Misty into the faithful loving onion we knew she could be. So please, if you are thinking about getting an onion, whether it be spring, red or the other sorts, call in and view our ready to home onions today. It will be a real tear jerker! Call Cleft 19191919 and ask for Shirley Youcantbeserious.
ARE YOU plagued by blood-sucking fruit and vegetables coming out at night and attacking your livestock? We can help. Here at Vampire Lemons we offer a 24 hour service to prevent fruit from going bad. And we mean really bad. In 2008 nearly two people were attacked in their sleep by blood thirsty fruit and veg. One person died just three weeks later after being bitten by a sharp-toothed pear in a big cape late at night. The pear had a big widow’s peak and no reflection, everything! The bloke who died was hit by a car to be fair, but the police did think it was suspicious. Too right it was! Vampire Lemons, helping you to take a bite out of your vampirical fruit bowl. Call Wayne Surgery on Minge 66666999999
THERE’S more than one way to skin a cat. So the old saying goes. Well I’ve got three fridges for sale. Two of the fridges are in the shape of Bob Holness off of Blockbusters. The third fridge is the same height and shape as Ronnie Corbett, ideal for keeping beer, other alcoholic drinks or soft beverages cool and icy during the hot summer months. The spectacles on the Ronnie Corbett fridge will need adjusting from time to time in order to keep the fridge in peak working condition. All three fridges come with a guarantee that once you have paid for them you’ll be able to take them away. Call Richard Stillgoe on Owlford 343434343
SINCE 1967 I’ve been predicting the future. Now let me do it for you. Hang on… I predict you will shortly be making a telephone call having seen an ad on Monkeybroth.com. See? I’m brilliant at it. Call Mystic Kevin on Flump 343343434. I am waiting for your call. Or am I?
FOR SALE. I have four sails for sale. Call Sally and ask about the four sails Sally has for sale. Please do as I really need to sell the four sails I have for sale. I’ve knocked £20 off the asking price so you could say there is a sale on the four sails Sally needs to sell. Anyway, when you ring you’ll need to ask for Sally who has the four sails for sale. You’ll need to be quite specific as my flatmate passed away three years ago and, to be fair, she isn’t great at taking messages any more. She smells a bit too if I’m being brutally honest.
FRANK-INCENSED. Are you alone tonight? Got nobody to talk too? Enjoy the sound of people getting angry? Call FRANK-INCENSED tonight for the ultimate in over-the-phone-listening-to-someone-being-really-angry relief. Choose option one to hear Frank scold an otter for having the stereo up too loud. Option Two to hear Frank give next door’s cat a right telling off for weeing on his shallots or Option Three for Frank’s rather agitated exchange with the paper boy, after he delivered Shoot Magazine instead of Flange Monthly one Friday morning. Call FRANK-INCENSED on Wipe 3454454543.
By Godfrey Butterwings
There is no light at the end of the tunnel
It’s just dark and empty, like Sally Gunnel
Must have been feeling when she lost a race
Disappointment and gloom is something we all must face
As we grow older, we’re supposed to get wiser
But I’m just getting mean and more of a miser
My portaloo hiring business has gone down the pan
Now I’m about as much use as Han
Solo without Chewbacca, that great big
Grizzly man bear, much better than Leia, just couldn’t hack her
I’m broke cos nobody wants to hire my lavatories
Just drifting along in my life like Denise
Van Outen without a celebrity bash to attend
This is what I’m facing, with what I must contend
Oh! I wish I could be a wookie, carrying a space gun
And having fur, that would be brilliant, but life isn’t fair
Otherwise my portaloo business would be doing well
Mrs Butterwings would love me, my life would be swell
But now like the band I have one direction
I must get a cure for my erection dysfunction
There is no light at the end of the tunnel
It’s just dark and empty with no hope of redemption
It’s time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire. It’s always time for some more public service announcements from around Biffordshire at Monkeybroth Towers. That’s cos we love them and you, dear readers. We love you more than we love crumpets. We love you more than we love Virgil, the guy who fixes the fax machine for us. Virgil loves a crumpet or two!
SQUIRREL EXPRESS – Need a squirrel in a hurry? Call Squirrel Express today for an obliged to buy quote. All our squirrels are in a real hurry – many are dashing for trains or are staring impatiently at bus time tables. Alternatively, why not select our deluxe service and get a squirrel revving behind you in his car or attempting to overtake you on a bend? Call us today but hurry, because our squirrels in a hurry too. Call Bob on Groin-Cough 45873773
FAMILIES. Looking for a fun day out only part of the family will enjoy? The 13th Annual Mumford Otter and Cheese Show promises just that. Highlights for the Saturday include Mumford Otter Show-Off group’s performance of their hilarious rendition of Oh What a Lovely Otter, while later in the day, you’ll be able to play Asian Otter or Gorgonzola! over by the cheese-shaped Ferris wheel. Plus, don’t miss a fabulous display by the Red Arrows which, for this event only, will be piloted by otters eating Red Leicester! How apt! Please note that due to foreseen circumstances, the Cirque d’Otter will not be performing at this year’s event due to a suspicious phone call to be received in the week leading up to the event. It will sound like someone’s eating crisps on the other end of the line, but they won’t be. For more details call Tulip Sunrise on Mumford 433232111.
GOT A GARDEN? Then get a life. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain. For details on garden protests in your area, visit www.lawnsarewherethedevilspawns.com
SURE, you may think you have enough spoons in your house but when was the last time you checked? Fire statistics reveal that nearly 8 out of every thousand house fires in the UK may have started due to a lack of working spoons. If you’re too busy or don’t care if you and your family are at risk from fire, then let Fire Spoons help. For a small fee and access to your underwear drawer we’ll check your spoons for you. This hassle free service only takes a few minutes but a fire caused by a lack of spoons could take a lot longer, couldn’t it? Ask for Agnetha on Sputum 8988768778
WANT TO TRY POETRY? But don’t know where to start? Try with a first line and go from there. For more poetry tips visit www.youcouldbeapoetifonlyyougotoffyourfatlegsanddidsomething.co.uk
FLOWERS Have small CCTV cameras in them linked to hell. The devil uses them to watch you. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.
FOUND. I’ve found my cat, Mrs Tinkle. Thanks to everyone who got in touch to help me find her. Particular thanks go to RAF Biffordshire Tornado Squadron who managed to shoot Mrs Tinkle down over Berkshire as she attempted to strafe Windsor Castle. I’m so embarrassed. I honestly thought her having a pilot’s licence would give her an interest and get her out of the house.
RHODENDRON BUSHES – are wigs for the devil’s demons, allowing them to go incognito and spy on you as you get undressed at bedtime. Issued by the Royal Anti-Horticultural Society of Great Britain.
Yeee haaaaa! Howdy y’all! My name is Country Pig and yep, you guessed it I am the rootin’ tootin’ cousin of your friend and mine Disco Pig, writing this all the way from my swamp hide out in southern Alabama. Disco’s got his trotters all mucky and has gone away for a few weeks. ‘Parently he had his beadies on a brand new Mustang motor car, but it had an owner. That didn’t stop Disco from taking it tho…yeee haaaa! Anyway, he got himself caught and is now banged up tighter than a rattlesnake in a match box. So he says to me Country? I says Yes… Will you take over ma musicical column on that there Monkeybroth for a few weeks? I says sure boy count me in!
Now I ain’t tuned in to all that high beat pumpin’ music that Disco’s in to. No sir. To me it sounds like a three legged grasshopper banging around in an old moonshine jar. Disco won’t mind if I give y’all a taste of real Southern Comfort, some proper rebel bluegrass tunes which will put you right in the mind for some lovin’ with those hogtastic lady pigs in your life. So strap down your gators folks, here comes Country Pig’s top tunes, they’re hotter than a bluejay burger with extra jalapenos….Yeee haaaaaaaaaa……..
Polly Darton – You ain’t so much fun (now you’ve quit drinking)
Shania Twine – Man, I feel by using nerve ends which send messages to my brain
Kenny Loggins – I just want some analytics, s’all
Box Car Barry – I got so much, so how comes I ain’t got nothin’?
Carsick Chris – Slow down on the bends or else I’m gonna hurl
Barry Ray Circus – You wanna a piece of my flaky tart, my flaky, flaky tart?
Alligator McBeal – Gonna put you in the hot box in the swamp (cos I love you so)
Fried chicken and grits – It’s not real grit in the pie, it’s potatoes
The Mother Frackers – The Sun is bakin’ and my heart is breaking (cos you’ve gone and grown a beard)
Lovesick Larry – Cos I can’t think of another country singer
Dukes of Hazard – Health and Safety is important y’all
The Confederates – Ain’t given up yet Lincoln you hear us boy?
The Diner Boys – I’ll eat till I puke, then I’m gonna eat some more
The Stretched belts – Gut to meet you liddle lady
Dressed All in Denim – Love hurts, that’s why you got you some black eyes
Gator wrestlers – Stand by your Nan, cos she gave birth to your mother y’all