Biffordshire… ah Biffordshire. Its rolling green and pasture rich hills, its sweet bubbling brooks and the song of larks in the air. Biffordshire… ah Biffordshire.
It’s an ancient county, steeped in gloriously thick history. It’s as thick as, ooo we don’t know, mud, or nutella mixed with cornflour, perhaps. Maybe it’s as thick as a good pair of loyal corduroy trousers or otter fur after it’s been for a dip in one of Biffordshire’s sweet bubbling brooks. Anyway, part of Biffordshire’s ancient traditions is the Biffordshire Summer Games® and this summer we are saying let the games commence!
Open to all residents of Biffordshire, the Biffordshire Summer Games 2013® offer Biffordshirians across the glorious county the chance to meet up and take part in some sweaty and oh-so-healthy competitive sports. And now Monkeybroth is underwhelmed to announce that entries are open and are very much actively being sought for the event, to be held at Gangly Manor in June. Full details on the various challenges and how to enter are below. But first, to get you all giddy and aroused, here’s a rallying call from the Biffordshire Summer Games 2013® chairperson Marjorie Go-Getem, who says with lots of fantastic challenges to choose from, this year’s games will be better than ever! “With lots of fantastic challenges to choose from, this year’s games will be better than ever!” she said.
Biffordshire Summer Games 2013 challenges
Frog Bonding – a tricky challenge for even the most gifted of amphibian smooth talkers! The games’ organisers have selected five pairs of brooding frogs, all of whom have fallen out considerably over the years and are now no longer talking. The challenge will involve getting them to communicate with each other once again, perhaps through a series of open and candid sessions where they can revisit the reasons why they met and fell in love in the first place. Please note our frog pairings are close to divorce – you could say they are at frogger-heads, so only serious and experienced Frog Bonders should think about taking part. For details, contact Arthur Combine-Harvester on Moistbury 789766.
Dog Guessing – pretty much does what it says on the tin. We’ll be putting various items into a big sack cloth and you have to guess whether each item is a dog or not. As in previous years, participants will only be able to handle each bag for five seconds and must shout clearly ‘DOG’ or ‘NOT DOG’ in order to be properly judged. If you own a dog, and don’t mind it being tied up in a sack all afternoon, please get in touch. No Pekinese please, as they feel too much like toasters through a heavy cloth sack. For more information, contact Group Captain Edward Even-Love on Cleft 237888
Hazelnut Shy – Come and have a go at knocking off hazelnuts which have been glued to bits of bamboo 12 feet away! We’ll provide you with the subbuteo balls to throw at the hazelnuts; you just need to bring your hazelnut knocking-off skills. Due to expected demand, please register with Gordonette Dingle-Dangle on Orifice-on-the-Mole, 333879
Tug-of-Whore – Biffordshire’s finest will be out in the sunshine for a change for this test of strength and dexterity. We currently have two teams booked for the event; Mrs Marplewhip’s ‘£10’ crew and an as yet unnamed team from the house of ill repute on Clam Street, Orifice-on-the Mole. Come on ladies and brothel runners – the good name of your establishment is on the line! For details, and to hear me fix my lawn mower dressed only in a boiler suit and trilby, call Monica Badcheeks on Titbury 696969. This year’s competition has been kindly sponsored by the Our Lady of David Essex Church, Hornbag, Biffordshire.
Seagull arranging – Biffordshire WI are once again delighted to be running this year’s seagull arranging competition in the main marquee. We are now open for registration, so whether you are an experienced seagull arranger or have never even touched a Guillemot before why not come along and see what all the fuss is about? Last year’s supreme champion Annabelle Ihavenobeard will be demonstrating her seagull arranging skills all afternoon, so pick up some tips and get involved why don’t you? For more details and to arrange a delivery of complimentary seagulls for arranging, call Mrs G Dimpled-Thighs on Surecock 4567888.