Moonman the Apocalyptic – your April stars my darlings….

Your weekly horoscope with our resident stargazer Moonman the Apocalyptic….

Hi guys, Moonman the Apocalyptic here back for another starry-eyed gaze into your future. What a week I’ve had my little star benders. On Monday a group of builders mistook me for mercurial pop star PJ Harvey, while my local Budgens completely ran out of Party Rings. All predicted by me last week of course. Here’s my horoscope for you for the week ahead my lovely little beads of sweaty love….

Aquarius

Water, water and lots of it to drink. Not in the South East though eh Aquarians? Never mind, do you remember that African child you sponsored back in 1984? Well, this week he’ll knock on your door demanding food and lodgings. Pretend to be out if you dare Aquarius.

Lucky job: Party planner

Pisces

‘Overblown politicians blow over blow pipe imports’ will be the rather natty headline in your local paper on Thursday, Pisces. It’s a fascinating story but my main concern dear, dear Pisces is your love life. Or lack of it, you infuriatingly stupid bag of a person you. For heaven’s sake lose the moustache and buy a waistcoat – I have spoken Pisces…

Lucky 80s singer: Hazel O’Connor

Aries

Ooo you are super Aries – all bold and ram like. Look at you with your wool all glistening and welcoming in the thin early April sunshine. Tuesday will see a lovely boil develop on your love rat of a husband’s forehead but don’t let that put you off pickling your eggs. With the new moon rising wearily it’s the ideal time to stop hiding in bushes by the church. And anyway, the cops are on to you Aries.

Lucky weapon: A big tank

Taurus

Hirsute and manly are never words that could be used to describe your mother, if we are being honest Taurus. Still, Friday will be one of those days you’ll want to write home about as you end up buying a pen and a saucy seaside postcard. Mercury’s argument with Jupiter does mean you’ll end up on the sofa again on Saturday night, but with the television all to yourself the possibilities are limited.

Lucky limb: Arm

Gemini

The moon loves a challenge and so will spend all week climbing all over Mercury. Its gravitational pull will see life confidence surge through your frankly ridiculous body this week, dear Gemini. With the stars and planets going ape muck insane you’ll have a chance to finally ring the World Wrestling Federation and leave a message for Noel Edmonds. He’s free Thursdays. I think it’s your knees I hate more than anything.

Lucky dictator: Mussolini

Cancer

I’ve heard from your husband, dear Cancer. He’s just bought a house in Dudley and doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You can keep all the paperweights but he would like the Bunty Magazine 1974 Christmas Annual back. His new girlfriend likes Bunty. Thanks heavens for the benevolent wonder of the firmament Cancer! ALL the paperweights!

Lucky island: Wight

Leo

Leo the lion – ha ha ha ha ha – you’re basically a lion, Leo…. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Lucky drink: Strong West Country cider

Virgo

Thanks to Saturn’s corns your West Wing box sets become lost in the post. On Monday, after a heavy night on the sauce, you’ll wake to discover you have slept with a starting pistol. Don’t bother – he won’t call you and he won’t respect you. Nice breakfast though. On Wednesday, watch out for the pigeons on Human Street. They look like they are watching you for a reason, which is that they are watching you.

Lucky luck: Luck

Libra

There’s much more to being a lollipop lady than first glance Libra. It’s not all sexy uniforms and hanging around outside schools with big signs you know. There’s loads of other stuff involved. More pertinently you’ll get bumped into by a former president of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, on Wednesday morning, outside WH Smiths. Smile politely and walk on Libra – don’t even think about asking him about his BMX.

Lucky nostril: The left one – no as you look at it

Scorpio

You will finally fall in love this week dear Scorpio! Big, spunky ice hockey players from the Moronto Maples ice hockey team will be in your local tobacconists on Tuesday, selecting souvenirs to send home to Canada. For Christ sakes, sort your hair out, get some slap on and snare yourself a Maple man you untidy, baggy heap of an arse-bendingly idiotic trollope.

Lucky shop: Staples

 Sagittarius

Thank god for Sagittarians everywhere. Bringing some sanity into this horsed-up world of ours. It’s going to be a great week for you Sagittarius. Mostly because Neptune has forgotten to sort out that Council Tax direct debit and has got a date for the magistrates through the post. He’s cool about it though – he’s being all laid back and Channel 5’s Home and Away about it. It helps you out too, you entirely beautiful sack of tulips you, as Mercury gets annoyed and orders a tramp to give you his last bottle of Thunderbird. Happy days!

Lucky clucky: A chicken

Capricorn

An email from Ryan Giggs is the best possible start to the week eh Capricorn? Unfortunately, it will go straight to spam and you’ll delete it. Ah well, there’s plenty more harmful carcinogens in the sea eh Cappy old thing? Your cousin sends on a grow your own moustaches kit for your birthday in the post, so its ying and frigging yang ain’t it Capricorn eh? eh?

Lucky mucky: Razzle