Entries now open for the annual Biffordshire Summer Games 2013®!

Biffordshire… ah Biffordshire. Its rolling green and pasture rich hills, its sweet bubbling brooks and the song of larks in the air. Biffordshire… ah Biffordshire.

It’s an ancient county, steeped in gloriously thick history. It’s as thick as, ooo we don’t know, mud, or nutella mixed with cornflour, perhaps. Maybe it’s as thick as a good pair of loyal corduroy trousers or otter fur after it’s been for a dip in one of Biffordshire’s sweet bubbling brooks. Anyway, part of Biffordshire’s ancient traditions is the Biffordshire Summer Games® and this summer we are saying let the games commence!

Open to all residents of Biffordshire, the Biffordshire Summer Games 2013® offer Biffordshirians across the glorious county the chance to meet up and take part in some sweaty and oh-so-healthy competitive sports. And now Monkeybroth is underwhelmed to announce that entries are open and are very much actively being sought for the event, to be held at Gangly Manor in June. Full details on the various challenges and how to enter are below. But first, to get you all giddy and aroused, here’s a rallying call from the Biffordshire Summer Games 2013® chairperson Marjorie Go-Getem, who says with lots of fantastic challenges to choose from, this year’s games will be better than ever! “With lots of fantastic challenges to choose from, this year’s games will be better than ever!” she said.

Biffordshire Summer Games 2013 challenges

Frog Bonding – a tricky challenge for even the most gifted of amphibian smooth talkers! The games’ organisers have selected five pairs of brooding frogs, all of whom have fallen out considerably over the years and are now no longer talking. The challenge will involve getting them to communicate with each other once again, perhaps through a series of open and candid sessions where they can revisit the reasons why they met and fell in love in the first place. Please note our frog pairings are close to divorce – you could say they are at frogger-heads, so only serious and experienced Frog Bonders should think about taking part. For details, contact Arthur Combine-Harvester on Moistbury 789766.

Dog Guessing – pretty much does what it says on the tin. We’ll be putting various items into a big sack cloth and you have to guess whether each item is a dog or not. As in previous years, participants will only be able to handle each bag for five seconds and must shout clearly ‘DOG’ or ‘NOT DOG’ in order to be properly judged. If you own a dog, and don’t mind it being tied up in a sack all afternoon, please get in touch. No Pekinese please, as they feel too much like toasters through a heavy cloth sack.  For more information, contact Group Captain Edward Even-Love on Cleft 237888

Hazelnut Shy – Come and have a go at knocking off hazelnuts which have been glued to bits of bamboo 12 feet away! We’ll provide you with the subbuteo balls to throw at the hazelnuts; you just need to bring your hazelnut knocking-off skills.  Due to expected demand, please register with Gordonette Dingle-Dangle on Orifice-on-the-Mole, 333879

Tug-of-Whore – Biffordshire’s finest will be out in the sunshine for a change for this test of strength and dexterity. We currently have two teams booked for the event; Mrs Marplewhip’s ‘£10’ crew and an as yet unnamed team from the house of ill repute on Clam Street, Orifice-on-the Mole. Come on ladies and brothel runners – the good name of your establishment is on the line! For details, and to hear me fix my lawn mower dressed only in a boiler suit and trilby, call Monica Badcheeks on Titbury 696969. This year’s competition has been kindly sponsored by the Our Lady of David Essex Church, Hornbag, Biffordshire.

Seagull arranging – Biffordshire WI are once again delighted to be running this year’s seagull arranging competition in the main marquee. We are now open for registration, so whether you are an experienced seagull arranger or have never even touched a Guillemot before why not come along and see what all the fuss is about? Last year’s supreme champion Annabelle Ihavenobeard will be demonstrating her seagull arranging skills all afternoon, so pick up some tips and get involved why don’t you? For more details and to arrange a delivery of complimentary seagulls for arranging, call Mrs G Dimpled-Thighs on Surecock 4567888.

Double entendre gardening with Ivor Longun

Ooo err missus it’s double-entendre gardening with Ivor Longun!

A root vegetable…..

Yes folks, you asked for it and now you’re going to get it. Ivor Longun here back to regale you with some more seasonal and green-fingered tips to help you keep your garden looking lovely and bushy.

Those lovely people at Monkeybroth Towers got on the blower to me last week begging me to reprise my much missed weekly column – Double Entendre Gardening with Ivor Longun. As you can imagine, I am a busy man so had to think long and hard about it. I’ve got a lot of other commitments on these days, but my missus, Eva Longoria off of Desperate Housewives, has been so supportive. She said to me; Ivor – you’ll regret it if you don’t go back. You’ve had your knockers in the past she reminded me, but I don’t want you tossing and turning at night worrying about it. She told me to give them a bell, end of story!

So you see I had to go back to doing the column readers, otherwise she would have given me a right mouthful.

Anyway, here we go for some lovely autumnal tasks to help keep your garden plants thriving as the weather gets a bit nippy. There’s nothing worse than a clogged up dry ditch crying for out for a splash of moisture so the first thing you have to do is to get out the watering can and give all your autumnal borders a good vigorous spraying of liquid.

You might want to think about adding some plant food to the can to give your plants a nice boost. Tomato Growth Serum is a good one – but it can take some effort to get the lid off! Once you’ve managed to strain some of the cloudy liquid out of the small hole in the end, you are good to go.

Empty it carefully into the watering can being careful not to spill your mess all over the patio. Then go around the garden and give all the big bloomers a proper squirting.

If you find that your plants are just lapping it all up greedily then you might need to get your hose out and start waving it around the garden. Getting everything really wet and dripping is where you want to be. Once done, wipe your hose on a bit of cloth and recoil it back to its starting position.

That’s a good start – now you’ll need to think about putting in some lovely autumnal flowering young shoots. Ideally you want to scatter your seed around wherever takes your fancy but it’s important that the seed bed is well prepared. To enlarge the hole for your seed to go into, first insert a couple of fingers and wiggle them around a bit. This should open up the cavity giving you enough room to pop your dibber in. You may find this takes several goes. Don’t be afraid to plunge it in and out for a couple of minutes – once you are ready it will be time to release the seeds.

Don’t worry if your missus is moaning and groaning at this stage. It’s an important job and the shopping trip will just have to wait!

It’s always important to clear away after working up a sweat with your tool. I’ve got a little garden chest which is very convenient. I just lift up the flaps and release all my clutter into it. Mind you I forgot the keys last week and was forced to smash the back doors in so I could get all my junk out the back of it.

That makes a lovely start to the autumnal season I am sure you will agree. If you do find you have a bit more time, then tool maintenance ready for the busy spring ahead is always a good use of time. Last week I smashed up a hoe so took some time to repair it. Gripping the shaft I had to twist the top until it came off in my hands.

Luckily, it was my number two – not my favourite number one hoe. It wasn’t as if I had to strain myself to clip off the end of the number two……..

Great, we are so pleased Ivor’s back. Next week double-entendre yachting with erm, oooo, erm, ooo not sure actually. Seaman stains is a bit obvious isn’t it?

Poetry corner

The Floral Hat by Margetea Flappys

It's nice isn't it?


To wither your hat so floral be,

That hat betched on fine memories,

Snunched from ericaceous bottled grasp,

Drunk from a hidden hip flask


Asked gurunder hats contentious tilt,

Fleeced of all its Mother’s Milk,

I mithered around a musky thunk,

And bothered memoires hastily shrunk


Madeleicly shong the beasts away,

Himpingly greened and kept at bay,

Bamping and fluntingly you beefed a chat,

Due to the gant of your floral hat

Win with Monkeybroth!

It’s competition time, folks!

Monkeybroth is apprehensive to announce its very first competition!

Yes, that’s right, you could win…

Your own body weight in moles!

We’ve teamed up with the UK’s leading mole provider Going Underground Mole, Mole, Mole to offer one lucky reader the chance to win their own body weight in moles. Clearly, and perhaps hopefully this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! To take part, simply answer this question below and you’ll be on your way to win your own body weight in moles.

Just complete this well-known phrase or saying: A mole in the hand is worth….

a)     A mole

b)    Two moles

c)     Three moles

d)    Bisto Gravy Granules

Email your answer right here to us at Monkeybroth Towers on christIlovemoles@monkeybroth.com Alternatively, call our mole hotline on: 0845 33333333333333 (lines open every alternate Shrove Tuesday from 9am until 9.01am) Again alternatively, text your answer followed by your name to MOLE on 1111. Even more alternatively, write to us at: Yes, I want loads of moles, Derek the competition chap, Monkeybroth Towers, Pigeon Street, Cum-Wisely, Biffordshire, CW8 78X.

Closing date: is not really applicable

Please read the below terms and conditions before entering

  • Entrants must be under five stone in weight. Proof of weight may be required before any prize(s) can be released from their underground lair
  • Employees of Monkeybroth, Going Underground Mole, Mole, Mole or their families cannot enter the competition. Nor can anyone who works for Tesco. People living in Bedford, Grantham or Whitstable are not eligible
  • No cash alternative is offered. If you don’t want to win your own body weight in moles, it’s probably best if you don’t enter to be honest
  • From time to time, Monkeybroth and Going Underground Mole, Mole, Mole would like to send you other offers and possibly mole related information. This includes Going Underground Mole, Mole Mole’s monthly newsletter The Mole. If you would rather not receive this information simply send us some tiger fur, a wizard’s stick, a pair of Des Lynam’s socks and some whispers to the address above. Going Underground Mole, Mole, Mole will send you stuff anyway, I expect. That was kind of the agreement we had with them when we set this up to be honest. Still on the bright side you might win your own body weight in moles, you might not, whatever really.
  • In case you hadn’t noticed this isn’t a real competition. Being able to win your own body weight in moles isn’t that practical really. Owls on the other hand….

Good luck!

Monkeybroth public service announcements…

Welcome to Monkeybroth’s public announcements service. Here at Monkeybroth towers, we take our public service responsibilities very seriously. We love, cherish and respect our communities. We want to hug them and squeeze them dry.  We want to leave them dried up and properly spent. No more juice in them at all because we would have squeezed every drop out of them. Because we love them so much. That’s why we squeeze them. Hard.

  • Have you got tired and tatty buckets just lying around your house, doing nothing like a bunch of drippy, wispy-bearded, spitty little fag smoking hormone- pumped teenagers? Perhaps you have some much loved buckets which have seen better days under the kitchen cupboard, just crying out for some much needed TLBC – that’s tender, loving, bucket care in our book! Well, fret no longer. We will sporadically come around your house and breathe new life into your buckets using our special carbon life form based bucket glue. Totally toxic and harmful to pets, it will spruce up your buckets proper style. No more embarrassing grotty buckets for you, oh no! Visit bucketsnotgrimynomore.com yesterday!


  • How often do you wish you could turn your cherished family memories into spoons? Wish no longer – Memory Spoons has got a (spoon) handle on it for you! It doesn’t matter what your memory is, we can spoon it for you – bar mitzvahs, birthdays, family circumcisions whatever the occasion. Why not turn that time Uncle Colin fell into the canal into a spoon? Perhaps your mum’s hysterectomy would look good in a carelessly designed and created dessert spoon format? Nothing says ‘sorry to hear for your loss’ more than turning cherished funeral memories into a spoon and sending it to the grieving parties involved. This week only… ladles! Big chunky ladles full of your memories. Yes. Visit memoryspoonsarethefuture.com today and we’ll do the rest. Memory Spoons – we’ll do your remembering for you by putting it in memory spoon format, so remember us today. Don’t forget to remember us!


  • Rock and indeed Roll – turn your family pets into members of 80s rockers ZZ Top with our new food supplement. Simply add our special ‘ZZ Top Up’ sauce to your pet’s food and hey presto, overnight your pet will turn, miraculously, into smaller but just as furry, members of ZZ Top! Your pet will be giving YOU all the lovin’, with ZZ Top Up. Don’t let your neighbours be the talk of the cul-de-sac with their Hawkind llamas or Iron Maiden goldfish – they are rubbish!  ZZ Top your pets today and relax, this idea has legs! Visit yesmypetsareboringpleaseturnthemintozztoptoday.com for more details. You’ll regret it!

Aaaaa – it’s Rock Stars in the morning folks!

Rockstars in the morning…

No.2: Phil Collins

Phil Collins’ Mum: “Phil Collins!….Phil Collins!…come on you’ll be late for school. Are you getting up, it’s 7.45!”

Phil Collins: “Yes, mum, I’m just coming…”

Phil Collins’ Mum: “In the air tonight love?”

Phil Collins: “No….I am just coming down for breakfast.”

Phil Collins’ mum: “What do you want? Sugar Puffs or Crunchy Nut Bites?”

Phil Collins: “Erm…Sugar Puffs”

Phil Collins’ mum: “Please…”

Phil Collins: “Please….”

Phil Collins mum: “Good boy Phil Collins, good boy.”

More morning musical mayhem next time, folks!

Another thought of the week – with the very Rev Archbishop of Toad-in-the-Wold

Thought of the week

With the extremely and hugely reverend Archbishop of Toad-in-the-Wold, Dr Robert Carolgees…

“Many of you will know and appreciate I am certain about the church’s stance on same-sex marriages and it is with this thought running through my head that I sat down with my live-in helper to play Scrabble the other night. As you may recall my house is kindly paid for from the generous pockets of my parishioners, and as  Gumpert and I settled down to lock mental horns over a taxing game of word play, I plumped my cushions in order to comfort myself for the challenge ahead. Gumpert was noisily masticating on the last Findus Crispy Pancake, which he had snuck away at the back of the freezer out of my ecclesiastical reaches, the little scamp.

As the crumbs from his meaty treat scattered themselves onto the floor, I felt annoyed that alas the vacuum Hoover, kindly supplied to me by my parishioners, had long lain dormant in the cupboard, and was resting lazily against the bottles of communion wine left over from my New Year’s Eve party in 2004.  As Gumpert crunched against the crust of the pancake, which, I was to discover through a spray of reconditioned chicken meat and orangey breadcrumbs, was his favourite bit of a crispy pancake, my thoughts weighted heavy on me. How would we ever get the half chewed and saliva encrusted pancake from the expensive Persian rug, so kindly provided to me by my parishioners?

Holy Henry Hoover

Holy Henry

As I pondered, I resigned myself to having to clear up the ungodly mess with a dust pan and brush. Gumpert wasn’t in a position to help; he was too busy draining a can of Vimto and had decided at that very moment to roll one of his foul-smelling Moroccan cigarillos. As I stood to fetch the dust pan, a sudden beam of ethereal light illuminated the handle to one of the drawers in the drawing-room. I rose to investigate and pulled sharply at the drawer to discover a transparent pouch stuffed full of Hoover bags. I do believe that the Lord was speaking to me at that very moment.

Suddenly the solution became clear to me – why, perhaps by changing the bag on the Hoover I could rid the rug of crispy pancake globules and indeed perhaps be able to tackle the now spat out Vimto with effective gusto. Rising in an almost trance like state I fetched the Hoover and simply, and without fuss, changed the bag. With Gumpert now snoozing on the sofa in a rather natty pose, I simply hoovered up the offending crumbage. What would have taken me many hours with my dust pan and brush and taken mere seconds – verily the Lord doth move in mysterious ways!

More divine nonsense from Dr Robert Carolgees next week folks!

Rockstars in the morning…

No1: Billy Idol

ROCKSTAR BILLY IDOL’S MUM: Rockstar Billy Idol! ….Rockstar Billy Idol!….. Its 8.15, you’ll be late for school. Are you getting up?


Next week more morning related shenanigans with music stars from across the globe!

Just getting started…

Give us a chance to set things up and we’ll provide some material that’ll help wile your life away without learning anything useful. And that is a promise. Just possibly.